How to Discuss Grandma's Cancer with Kids

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.

I'd recommend taking a gradual approach.

My parents started experiencing major health issues right about the time that one of our pets died. A friend gave us a copy of "Lifetimes" by Robert Ingpen. It was beautifully written in a way that a 5 year old could understand. "There is a beginning and an end to everything that is alive. In between is a lifetime. It is the same for people as it is for plants and animals, even for the tiniest insects." We read the book to him even though we weren't facing any imminent deaths. And then we would occasionally talk about lifetimes. When the flowers died at the end of the summer, we'd talk about it being the end of their lifetime. When we saw a baby bird that had died, we talked about it's lifetime. He gradually grew to understand that everything has a beginning, and it also has an end.

When my mother passed away unexpectedly a few months ago, we broke the news to him by explaining that just as the flowers and the baby bird had reached the end of their lifetime, so had grandma. We had also read "The Invisible String" to him, and we reminded him that even though she wasn't with us on earth, she was still connected to him.

ETA** I was just talking to a friend who is facing a somewhat similar situation. Her mom is videotaping herself reading her granddaughter's favorite books so she can "keep reading to her" after she is gone. She is also videotaping herself talking about her granddaughter's graduation, wedding day, etc., so the tapes can be played by her granddaughter on those special days. Not sure where your mom is at with everything emotionally, but I thought this was a fantastic gift to leave for her little grandbaby who will hardly get the chance to know her.
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I think preparations are a good idea, but I think doing it too far in advance is not advisable. 5 yr olds are pretty "in the moment." I personally would wait until it was closer to your mother's "time" before getting in to any details. Opening the discussion via books about the end of the journey as it relates to plants, animals, etc. would be something you could start with now, though.

A couple of other things to consider - what are your mother's end of life arrangements? Will she hospice somewhere else or in your home. If she does hospice in your home, please consider finding alternate living arrangements for your children at the end. Movies and books portray quiet, peaceful, and sometimes poignant end of life experiences. This is rarely the case. I was with my both my FIL and MIL (from my first marriage) when they passed. No child could have been prepared for what happened in the last days of either of their lives.

I'm really sorry about your mom.

Sorry about your mom. Cancer sucks. It takes away good people.

I was at the library today looking for books to help with my sons shyness. In the same area was a lot of kids stort books that explain death and loved ones dying. I would read her a story. Explain that grandma is very sick and ask her if she has questions.

It is really touching that you are thinking of this at this point, but for children it is truly okay to be more "in the moment", as MilitaryMom says below. Prepare *yourself*, but your children can be addressed about everything when the time comes, when she is dealing with her last days or even just when you need to explain a funeral.

Please call Hospice. They are experts at this. They will come in and work with the family and help you through all of this.