My Grandmother Is Dying --- Grief Advice for My 12 Yr Old

Hi C.,
First of all, why do you see it as giving up? Maybe your grandmother has had a long full life and wants to die a natural death and go be with the Lord, naturally ! I'm a grandmother and I want to die a NATURAL death.....that is NOT giving up. If your daughter is close to her then, it would be unfair to keep her from this. Dying is a part of living and all people will share this experience. What a comfort it would be to grandmother to have her loving granddaughter, to be the last person she saw before leaving for heaven? If your daughter is not involved, she will have no closure ! Think about it ? Your daughter is not you ! I hope this perspective helps you understand grandmother a little better.
Love & Prayer for your family,
A.

I think that maybe you're allowing your grief to manifest itself in your daughter. If YOU view the situation as a positive experience, then so will your daughter. Grandmother is not giving up, she's dying with dignity. Everyone has a right to die with dignity. Grandmother may understand that, at this stage in the cancer, chemotherapy and radiation would only make her more sick. More than likely, the cancer has metastasized and there is no way to cut it out. To Grandmother, it's better to accept her fate, love her family while she can, and know that she was lucky because she had the time to say goodbye. Most kids don't get to say goodbye to their grandparents. Your daughter is also at the age that she's capable of understanding what's going on. I think it would be helpful to pull out some Pathophysiology books (you can find them at the library) and let her explore the "why's" about cancer. This will also help deter her from smoking and things, because she'll understand how EASY it is to get cancer, and she'll know exactly what happens in the body. There are also books at Barnes and Noble for your 2 yr old. You may think she's too young to understand, but she isn't. My 7 yr old still remembers his grandma and she died when he was 2.

Contact right now with her grandmother is crucial. Understanding human nature is difficult at any age. But, her knowing that her Grandmother loves her is very important.

Especially at the end. Do you live nearby to her? If you do I would suggest letting her spend a little time with her. Maybe have a special item or blanket. Or doll even.. I remember a few weeks before my grandmother passed, she gave me a doll that meant very much to her. I kept that with me during the greiving process.. and still to this day.

Let her experience every bit of this now.. so she doesn't have to deal with hidden sorrow later. Allow her to talk about her grandmother. Let her tell you how she feels. Maybe share with her about your experience...and remember.. crying is healing...

You are doing a great job. Just be ready with hugs and kisses.

Hugs,
A.

C. death is a hard thing for all of us to accept but especially for a child, Your daughter need to spend as much time with her grandmother as possible but not tooomuch time if the grandmother is in a lot of pain or really beginning to have a different look of features of her self. You don't want your daughter to get to the point that she is afraid of someone she loves, explain to her what is happening to her grandmother in a very passionate way and let herknow that her grandmother loves her and wants her to be a good girl and a brave girl, let her ask questions about death and try to answer not with any of those false stories give her the truth tell her that her grandmother is going away God and she will see her again one day, give her something special from her grandmother, a necklace a pin to wear on her clothing , or maybe a picture of the two of them together to put on her nightstand, let ker know that her grndmother will always be there watching over her.

I am not sure if this has been addressed or not. So forgive me if it is repeat advice. Last week, my best friend of 20 yrs' 14 yr old was killed. My 12 yr old is having a hard time. They were on spring break last week, so today I called and spoke to his counselor at the school. She is going to get him involved with a group of children who have suffered the same loss as well as speak to him. Kids will speak with outsiders sometimes, easier than family. In my case, I am terribly hurt and mad and I just am not a good source for him right now. I hate saying that, but I felt so good after I talked to his counselor and she was so eager to help.

Anyway, I am sorry about your husband's grandmother and I hope you are able to find exactly what will help your daughter most. I am 35 yrs old and death is the one thing I have a hard time with.

Take care,
A.

C.- I am so sorry for your pain. I do worry that sometimes as parents we try to shelter our children from too much. Explain to her that her grandmother is hurting, and that she's tired of being in pain. I think the letter is a great idea. Have her write it, and let her tell her grandmother how much she loves her and how much she will miss her. She needs to understand that her grandmother's going to a place with no pain. Her grandmother will always be looking down on her, and be a part of her heart. Children need to know that death is not something to be afraid of, that it's part of life.

C.,
my mom died of cancer when my son was 9 and 3 weeks later my grandmother died too. It's the hardest thing in the world to go thru, but what helped my son is talking to him about what to expect and everything when she was dying and I did the same as you, I made sure he talked to her and told her anything he could think of. So he had no regrets cause he got to talk to her before hand. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. My prayers are with you and your daughter.

When my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer at age 73, she too, refused treatment. Fortunately, when they removed the cancer, they were able to get all of it, and it had not spread. Chemo was still recommended after surgery as a precaution, but she didn't feel she needed to put herself through that because of her age. She was ok with what happened next.

Since I don't know everything it's hard for me to give advice. If you think her grandmother is just ready to accept it, and does't want to put herself through treatment, then it should be explained to your 12 year old how she (the grandmother) feels and these are her wishes, and I think preparing her for it now will help your daughter tremendously.

Now, if her grandmother has a good prognosis with going forward with treatment, and just refuses because she is depressed, maybe you should try to talk to her (the grandmother), explaining how this is affecting your 12 year old. Not saying that you probably haven't done so already, of course.

Hope that helps, and I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers, praying for a good outcome to all of this.

Good morning C.,
First of all, let me say that I am praying for your family. I would definitely have Grandmother have a heart to heart talk with your daughter. Maybe even have Grandmother put together something special, just for your daughter, like a treasure box of things that the two of them have done together or a special photo album. Something that your daughter can look back on and smile, not be sad. Remember that we only mourn the loss of the p[ersons body because they are still with us in our hearts. remind your daughter to celebrate her Grandmothers life and their time together.
this is a very heart breaking situation, but I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
I wish you a great Tuesday.
Thanks :) J.

Hi C.,
I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I am a social worker for hospice and am very familiar with what you and your family is experiencing. Is your grandmother on hospice? If she is, contact the social worker and he/she should be able to help you talk to your daughter. THere are some support services in the Houston area designed to help children grief their loss. One of the places is Bo's Place. I don't have the information on me right now, but if you are interested in it and have any other questions, feel free to email me at ____@____.com Since she is 12, she understands more than what we give most kids that age credit for. Be honest with her. Let her know how this illness is affecting you and then she will know it is ok to talk about it. I would encourage her to talk to her grandmother and be afforded the opportunity to say goodbye. And if hospice is involved, they can help. Also, refusing treatment is not giving up - sometimes it is knowing that she doesn't want to spend the last part of her life being sick from treatment or in the hospital. I would love to help, so let me know if there is anything I can do.

R.

C.~
My heart goes out to you! My father is very ill and "the end" will come sooner than I am prepared for. My 6 year old absolutely worships her PaPa and it will be devastating for her when he does pass on. To prepare for this I did some research on books for my daughter to read. These are some that I found that might be helpful for you too.

Thumpy's Story by Thumpy the Bunny
What's Heaven by Maria Shriver
The Next Place by Warren Hanson

I'm sorry I don't have more advice to give, but I hope this helps.

R.

Hi C..

Bless your heart. I am so sorry to hear of this. The first thing that came to mind while reading this is, does your daughter know she is refusing treatment? If not, I don't recommend you tell her. You CAN tell her that she is very sick and probably won't live very much longer. I think the letter is a very good idea. Now, if she does already know that grandma is refusing treatment, you can talk to her about it - try to put yourself in the grandmother's shoes, for instance. You didn't mention her age but maybe she's older and just doesn't have the energy or feel like she wants to fight it. Maybe her husband or others close to her have already passed and she looks forward to reuniting with them. Just try not to be angry with her for her decision. Again, I am so sorry to hear of this and I pray that God comfort you in the weeks and months to come.

Is she currently on hospice? The reason I ask is that I work for a hospice and we have literature for younger children about dying. Its called "sad isn't so bad" if this is something you may be interesed in I can send you the brochure. Also, with hospice, there are social workers, chaplains, and bereavment services that are available and medicare pays for all hospice services related to her diagnosis. If you have further questions or with to pursue these resources, you can check out www.odsyhealth.com or call ###-###-####. I hope this is helpful for you.

Best of luck in your journey