I have had a very good friend for YEARS. I love her like family, and would do anything for her and vice versa. She has always been extremely judgemental of everyone, and most of the time I can handle it. I usually bite my tongue and don't say anything knowing this is just her, and she "means well". However lately, it is REALLY getting to me. She hates all of her co-workers, her family, their spouses, etc etc. She's is always telling me what I should do with my life and choices, and sometimes gets downright rude. She makes snotty comments because I stay home and she chooses to work. Now mind you, this means we do without alot of things that she openly goes and purchases, which is totally fine. She can afford to do so on 2 incomes, we can't and I never fault her for it. But lately shes making comments to me like "Well I don't GET to stay home like you, I have to go to work" It bothers me because I feel like we've both made our choices, why be nasty about it? Yes I GET to stay home, but that also means we have ONE decent car that we share, we dont buy new furniture we buy used if at all, most of our kids clothes are second hand, I grocery shop on a TIGHT budget, we never go on vacation, etc etc. I make sacrifices to stay home with our kids and I dont regret it. Should I point out these things to her because I am really tired of the harsh comments she keeps making to me. I'm sure in a way shes envious, but the grass isnt always greener. I dont want to start a fight, but I feel like shes being unfair. Should I let it go, or say something??
I also wanted to add that by me quitting my job a few years ago, we basically cut our income in half. I plan on going back to work part time when the youngest starts preschool next year, for sanity and money purposes lol. So I really feel like I understand the difference in our lifestyles because I've had it both ways.
***Thanks everyone, your responses make me feel alot better, and realize I need to "nicely" let her know that I dont want her rude comments anymore. And frankly I dont deserve them!! I may also start watching what I do talk to her about. We are growing apart, and although I love her dearly, i despise her negativity, and am tired of it. Thanks again :)
DEFINITELY talk to her! i had a friend (my cousin, actually) who i was super close to, we had issues that started small and weren't talked about... resentments built to a boiling point, and I lost the best friend I ever had. Dont risk it!
If it was me, when she says something like that ("Well I don't GET to stay home like you, I have to go to work") I would most likely say "That's right, just like I don't GET my own car or vacations right now". She'll get the hint!
I have friends from high school and we are all kinda on different paths...but what we choose to talk about when we do get to see each other (About once every 2-3 months) are things we have in common.
If she isn't able to do this or if you think talking to her won't help then it is time to cut ties because best friends would not make those comments.
I've only read some of the other comments....so here's my take
1. She's not a friend - at least not one I would want around.
2. She's NOT happy with her life - if she was, she wouldn't "hate" so much.
3. She needs to be put in her place and if you don't do it - she will always be nasty and bring you down.
You can tell her - you MADE A CHOICE, I put my family first. YOU made choices in your life. I may not work OUTSIDE the home - but don't think for a second I don't work - I just don't get paid for what I do.
You can suggest that she find a counselor to discuss why she is so negative. But really - the more you hang with her, her actions and negativity will rub off on you. Just think of it this way - if she says nasty things about others when they aren't around - just think of what she tells others about YOU when you aren't around....is that really a friend? I (italicized, underlined and bolded) don't think so. You deserve better in your life. Do NOT settle for a "friend" like this. Let HER go.
It seems to me, if she is a friend, she should be more sensitive to what spews out of her mouth. Perhaps the next time she starts her rant you can tell her she can stay home too if she can learn to budget/prioritize and wants it badly enough, but more than likely she'll be stunned you have an opinion of your own. It sounds like she is just clueless. Sometimes friendships have run their course and it's time to move on.
...and do you call this woman, "a very good friend"! . Excuse me, what ever you chose to do with you life is your only business. Having this type of friend with this type of behavior tells me you like to be surrounded by people like her. Why would you put up with someone that is constantly criticising everybody's life? You choose your friends and it sounds to me you've had a "lapse" by hanging out with this person.
I don't get why she is your best friend. You don't seem to like her very much. She doesn't seem to respect you very much. I would handle it by putting some distance in the relationship. She seems like a bit of a downer and you don't need someone putting you down. I think that eventually will lead to a natural cooling off of the friendship anyway. If she notices, than it will be time to have a talk about all this. If she doesn't than it really didn't mean that much to her anyway.
When she makes comments about you getting to stay home, tell her that you are blessed to be able to stay home but that means you have to go without. Or tell her back "Yah but you get to buy whatever you want!" or tell her "We all live our lives differently. I don't judge what you do or don't do, what you can or can't afford. Please don't judge me. I know you don't mean to but it hurts my feelings sometimes the way you say thing."
Or just bite your tongue and don't talk to her as much. she'll get the hint and when she asks why you are being distant, tell her every time you talk she's saying something unfair so you'd rather not talk to her if she's going to be like that.
If she does the "I HAVE to go to work" thing I would just calmly ask "would you like to stay at home? If you would, I'd be happy to help you with the budgeting to make it happen for you." See what she says. This is either going to open the door for you to nicely let her know what you do to make it work for your family or she'll quickly say something like "oh I like working, or I could never do without such and such" and then you can say yes it was hard giving those things up. Maybe this will open her eyes without you haven't to get into a spitting match about who has the easier job :-).
Good luck,
K.
Clearly it's bothering you enough to post it out here. I would say something.
You don't want to start a fight with her, so your tone of voice will be very important. But you might want to just point these things out to her as she makes comments.
She probably doesn't realize that it's bothering you, or that she's being snotty.
It's time to start speaking up. You need to call her out on the fact that she constantly berates everyone. Speak your mind to her. Hopefully she will understand and begin to watch what she says. If she doesn't, I see you becoming estranged from her anyway. One can only take so much negativity before it just isn't worth having them around any more. Good luck!
It seems like you really care about this person, but they sounds completely miserable. One think about how much time you spend around this type of negativity and two I would start responding to each of her complaints as she expresses them. You may also consider sitting down with her and being extremely honest about your thoughts and if you put it like you did here I don't see the problem. I also stay home, but dont have children and when my friends with kids say things, I only respond with a smile and say "You're only a decision away" ...I work my Mary Kay business from home full time now, am single with a mortgage, car etc. so I understand.
Say something, but make it count.
I have a friend who sounds similar. She finally pushed me too far critiquing my driving one day...because I didn't use my blinker on an empty freeway with no one in sight. My comment was, "Well aren't you just a judgemental little s*** today." She looked at me a bit shocked and never said another word and has backed off on other things as well.
Set your boundaries and enforce them, just like you would with your kids.
I have a similiar situation with my SIL. Some one told me that she was just jealous of what we have. But it still hurts.
How much of a friend is she if everything is based on monetary things? You might have known her for a long time but that does not mean that she needs to base your relationship on what your possions are.
I think you need to talk to her. Maybe flip it around and ask her if she is happy with her choices in life. What would she change to make her happy? I would make it conversation about choices in our life. That teaching your children how to know to make the right choices are in the small steps, like the choice to put the pink socks on or the white socks. But then it had you thinking about the choices you have made in your life and the wonderful choice to be friends. I am just giving you and idea on how to start the conversation. I have had a similiar conversation with my SIL and unfortunately she is not easy to talk to unless you are mad. But I think this is a softer way to start off.
Don't let it go, it will eat you up. She might not enjoy talking to you afterwards but at least she knows that you are not going to take it anymore.
I went through the same thing with my best friend after her daughter was born in 2008. My son was born in 2007 and I left my job to stay home and be his mother, a decision I love and would never take back. She criticizes my home, our choice of vehicles and where we shop.
Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her in quite some time. My husband said she was using me for her punching bag and trying to make me feel inferior to her. I think most of it stems from jealousy though, her's not mine. I made frugal choices for the first 5 years of my marriage so that when the time came to stay home, we could afford to lose my income. They bought an extravagant home and expensive cars and therefore sealed the deal they would both work after children. It all comes down to choice. She chooses to work, whether she likes it or not, and I choose to pinch my pennies in anticipation of staying home with my son!
Best of luck to you....and I'm sure you are doing your most productive work being a mom!!!
Although you think of her 'like family' it sounds like it's time you let her go. I know it'll be very difficult but you obviously need a different atmosphere to be in. Just explain to her that it's just not a good idea to be around her anymore b/c of her negativity all the time. Just let her know you're choosing to now be in a more positive environment & if she continues to be negative, then you will need to discontinue your relationship. Hope this helps & good luck!
Since she's your friend, before you say something you might regret, think about what's causing her to be so unhappy. Has she always been this way? Has it gotten worse? Her rude comments and criticisms are a symptom of something else. She's stressed. She's overwhelmed. Maybe you can have a heart to heart talk and say you wonder if there's something you can help her with because you've noticed she's taking on a lot, seems unhappy, etc.
If you decide you no longer want to be friends, then say what you want and don't have anything to do with her, but please don't punch her in the face like one person suggested!
Sometimes it's easier to keep quiet. I work 7 days per week, 24 hours per day in my HOME. So a lot of people look at it like I don't really have a job, even though I work my arse off. Sometimes daycare parents make comments about how nice it must be to be home as if all we do is just play tiddly winks all day long. Then on Fridays I always hear how wonderful it is to be Friday. Really? What's a Friday look and feel like? What's a weekend feel like?
You are right when you say that we all make our own choices. People are selfish, we ALL are. See what we really want is the nice things we see in someone elses life. We don't want to see or feel or experience the downside to anyone elses life. In fact, most people are so short sighted that we can't see what those would even be.
Sounds like she doesn't know how to get over "having to work". Out-of-control jealousy + immaturity = nasty, snarky comments. If I were you, I'd take a break from her and not spend so much time with her anymore. People like that are a drain on your happiness and you need to get her out of your life for a while.
The choice of whether or not to talk to your friend about her rude comments is up to you, however my advice to you is to not surround yourself with that negativity. A true friend would support you and make you feel good about the choices you've made in your family. The issues are clearly with her and not you at all and most likely aren't even about working vs not working. Good luck and let us know what happens.
I would tell her she could stay home too but she chooses to work so she should be happy and if she is not then she needs to re-evaluate her choices instead of taking out her angst with you.
Read the recent answers from Page's question.
If you can't level with her and get your point accross...find a new best friend!
Blessings.....
I'm sure you've gotten lots of good suggestions. But here is a thought I have:
It seems fairly clear that your friend is unhappy. Maybe, when you two have a quite moment, you could bring up that her comments/etc. are more negative than usual, and that it seems like she is unhappy, and ask her if she wants to talk about anything. You could tell her it seems like she is unhappy (possibly her job), and that it seems like her unhappiness is causing her to say hurtful things. And just point out that you value your friendship with her, but that the things she says are sometimes very hurtful, and you wondered if she was saying these things because there she is having a tough time with something.
I would say to try this when neither you nor she is already upset, and when there are few distractions (like kids or other people around), so you can try to approach it calmly and productively and hopefully not have either of you get defensive.
You are right, though -- you do not deserve to bear the brunt of her unhappiness. If she refuses to try to change and stop belittling you and your choices, or be nasty about it, perhaps it's time to let her know that, and just put your foot down.
been there! talk to her and b honest, tell her how you feel, or it well continue , untill you snap! and it wont b pretty! God bless:)
Sounds like you 2 are growing apart. this is not unusual. You are a mom with children making the best decisions for your family.
She sounds immature and has not been told that some comments are just not appropriate. Or she needs to change her delivery.
Just speak with her and let her know her comments rubbed you the wrong way. Also do not be shy about letting her know the sacrifices you all have made so you can stay home with your children. I always tell people, I was very fortunate to have a husband who is a hard worker and I can stay home and work when a project pops up, but we also drive 10 year old cars, do not go on vacations, do not purchase new furniture, our house needs major repairs.. But we are happy.
I personally wouldn't want to be around such negativity , it's a downer. It sounds to me like she's trying to change you into something that you're not. You're a stay at home momma, one of the harder jobs going. I'd say something, don't get trampled. Get in there and tell her what's up.
why do you bite your tongue? why is she allowed to have opinions and express them but you are to stay quiet? Pipe up and she'll be put in her place and hopefully start using her brain as a filter before opening her mouth in the future.
In more charitable terms, perhaps she is really unhappy and admires you but is aware that she is stuck in a life and is feeling jealous? Point out to her that she has choices and the sacrifices you make. Then she'll have it laid out for her so she can decide if she wants to change her life or continue on.
