Our neighbor (Jeff) is an alcoholic. A few years ago he was arrested twice for DUI, his wife left him, and he lost his job. He would occasionally talk to my husband about his issues, and he would ask us for rides to attorney appointments, job interviews, etc. We would usually try to help him, as did many of our neighbors, and there were a few times that we bought groceries for him and paid for his prescriptions. However, after a while, it became clear to us that even though he told us he was done drinking, he was still finding ways to buy beer and wine. We realized that we were enabling him and we cut back the support drastically. Even after that, he continued to ask my husband for advice, which he rarely followed. In the last 9 months he's been unemployed for 5 months, and quit 3 fast-food jobs. He quit his 4th on Friday after working 2 hours because he didn't like something the manager said. My husband has been far more patient with Jeff than I have, and I haven't interfered with them. All of the neighbors that were trying to help him either became angry because of the way that he treated them, or they also decided to not enable him.
Yesterday, Jeff stopped by our house as my husband was leaving. I didn’t realize that he was at our house until I opened the front door to look outside. When Jeff saw me standing there, he glared at me and stopped talking. He then told my husband that he would wait until I closed the door. I was a bit surprised by his demeanor and responded by saying “Jeff, I’m in my own house. I’m not doing anything wrong.” Jeff’s responded by saying: “Well, go in or go out. Make up your mind. Don’t just stand there.” When he saw my facial expression, he said “Save the drama for your mama.” My husband immediately told him that he was in our yard and his comments were uncalled for. I closed the door at that point and saw Jeff leave a minute later.
I was furious, and I told my husband that unless I heard a sincere apology from Jeff, I didn’t want him in our yard again, nor did I want my husband interacting with him. I told him that his loyalty needed to be to me, and he commented that Jeff may have just burned his last bridge. But an hour later Jeff showed up at our front door again and my husband walked down to his house to talk to him. According to my husband, he told Jeff that he needed to apologize to me, and Jeff told him that wasn’t going to happen. I guess my expectation at that point was that my husband would just walk away. But instead, he stayed for another 20 minutes and listed to Jeff’s latest issue. He said that Jeff asked him if they were still friends, and my husband’s response was “You need to apologize, but I’m not mad at you.”
That made me even angrier! My husband’s perspective is that Jeff’s house is being foreclosed on and will be going up for auction soon, so he’ll be out of the neighborhood and our lives after that. But to me, that’s irrelevant. I’m just baffled as to why he doesn’t understand why I’m upset by his lack of loyalty.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Thanks everyone for your feedback and for helping me see this in a different light. You're right that my husband has been nothing but compassionate and kind towards Jeff, and I can't fault him for that. I was the same way until I realized that it wasn't helping and was possibly hurting his recovery. (We barely even knew Jeff before his first DUI, so I don't know what his past behavior was like.) You're right that Jeff will never sincerely apologize because, at this moment in time, he is entirely self-centered. If he won't change for his kids, he's certainly not going to change for us.
I think what hurt me the most was the "I'm not mad at you" comment. But my husband told me that he views Jeff the same way that he views any body with a mental illness. If we had a neighbor who was schizophrenic, we wouldn't be angry at the person because of his behavior. We'd simply understand that it's something they can't easily control. And, as someone mentioned, in a few months when he's finally forced to move from his home (most likely into a shelter or temporary housing), I want us to be able to look back and know that we did what we could to help him.
I don't expect my husband to always just side with me no matter what, that seems unreasonable. He did what you asked, he told him he should apologize, he doesn't have to be angry about it just because you are.
Your husband is a good compassionate man and you are complaining?????
He did nothing to hurt you. You can't tell him who he can talk to or not... unless you look to be single soon.
Appreciate your man! Let the drama go from Jeff. Gees
Well, let's see. From your description, Jeff is an alcoholic, whose actions have caused him to lose his family, his house, his friends, his finances and his jobs. He quits jobs, exploits neighbors, and is deceptive. He's intrusive and rude. He's been arrested and has a record.
And this is the person from whom you expect, or demand, a sincere apology? There's nothing sincere about Jeff at all, from your description. You're not going to get even an insincere apology.
Stop obsessing about Jeff. You tried to help him, but he didn't accept the help. He continued to quit jobs, and continued to act in a rude way, even after neighbors showed him mercy.
Your husband, on the other hand, should be where your focus lies. He's showing basic kindness while not enabling Jeff's addictions. He's listening. He's not giving him money or buying him alcohol. He defended your home and you. Your husband doesn't need to be angry at Jeff because you are. When Jeff showed up at your house, your husband told him that this was your yard, and that his comments were wrong. And so, in order to show Jeff a little mercy, your husband walked to Jeff's house. It doesn't sound like he brought him any money, booze, food, or medications. He just listened.
The person who deserves an apology is your husband. From you. Thank him for staying true to his convictions, and thank him for being the man that he is. You want him to give up his integrity because you're offended by Jeff. Your husband is loyal: to you, to his word, to even someone as undeserving as Jeff.
Your husband sounds like a steady, kind, balanced, good person. Be thankful for that, and embrace what you have. If Jeff had been the man that your husband is, he'd still have a family, a home, a job, and a life.
You need to let this go and be thankful you have a kind husband. He should be allowed to have his own conversations and even if he wants to be friends with this man.
You are angry at this man, your husband will not like being put in the middle so you need to let this go.
I'm coming late to the party, but I disagree with the other posters. Sure, your husband might be a kind and compassionate man, but I firmly believe that starts at HOME, not at the neighbor's house. Where is his compassion for YOUR feelings. Why in the world is he "siding" with a drunk who makes ill-mannered comments at his family IN THEIR OWN HOME/YARD?
I think your husband kind of likes being sucked into the "drama" of the situation and I really think that it stinks that he continues to go down to this person's house after being nasty to his wife.
This isn't about you telling him who to be friends with or who to talk to - this is about respect, or in this case, your husband's lack of respect for you.
Good luck.
I think your husband is a gem that he sees Jeff as a person suffering from the disease of addiction. A person in active addiction will become a complete ogre in personality. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. Try to not take it personally. Jeff is obviously acts this way around many others as well. Jeff was short and rude in the way he spoke to you. Yes, he should have found a more respectful way to have a private conversation with your husband. And your husband DID call him on it in the moment. I get why you don't want to deal with Jeff, that 's totally understandable. But I think you should allow your husband to be an independent grown up and make his own decision in befriending Jeff. Did you want him to get angry with Jeff? I think he knows that if he did, it would serve no purpose but to make things worse. The incident is over. I wouldn't expect a sincere apology. But hope there is something still connecting in Jeff's brain that he gets that he was wrong and he won't repeat that kind of rudeness and disrespect. Without even you having to tell him, your husband will probably continue being the one going over to Jeff's place to get together because he knows you are upset (understandably so)
Jeff's an alcoholic, and he isn't ready to admit it. Your husband just wants to help his friend, but the only person who can help Jeff is Jeff.
You gotta let this go. Your husband isn't being disloyal to you. He's just trying to help a friend. This isn't really about you. Jeff made a stupid comment, but that's really just the alcoholism talking. Don't be mad at your husband for Jeff's stupid comment.
Jeff is an alcoholic. The only thing he's thinking about is how to get his next drink. He's not thinking about so stupid comment he made to you. The only thing he was thinking when he said that to you was, this lady is trying to keep me from getting a drink.
Don't be mad at your husband. And really, don't be mad at Jeff, either. Feel sorry for him. This is his own doing, but you have no idea what it's like to live with addictions. It's hell until you are ready to admit it to yourself and get help.
Someone wrote on here I think it was, a while back, how you can't make sense of non-sensical relationships. Jeff is a mixed up person and regular rules of conduct don't seem to apply to him. There are people in my husband's family who are like this. They get away with bad behavior because of their predicaments. It drives me nuts - I don't get it, but my husband (because he is connected to them) allows it to happen. We went to counselling - he has to have boundaries so that this negativity doesn't cross over and affect our family. That's what we agreed on, and beyond that - I stay out of it, and I don't hear about them.
I don't think he's being more loyal to Jeff. He just doesn't want to get into it. My husband, doesn't want to get into it. He can't stand these relationships he has - he gets nothing from them - but he cannot sever the ties. I respect that. I support him - not the relationships, but I have to accept that it's important enough to him.
These people are not kind to my husband - but they aren't kind to themselves. This guy Jeff sounds like a jackass - to you, to everyone and also to himself. He's just a mess. Hopefully he gets help one day and figures this out - for now, let it go. It seriously is not worth it.
Ditto the responses about compassion. I won't repeat all of what you are already aware. But, another (side benefit?) aspect to being kind, knowing he will be leaving soon, is that people who are unstable (as a non-functional alcoholic is) do unstable things. You really don't want to get in his face and instigate a major blow up. No, you did nothing wrong, he did. And yes, it's appropriate for your husband to defend you and draw a line with Jeff. But considering he'll be gone soon, why irritate the wound and potentially create an angry unstable neighbor situation for the remaining time he's living they're? Who knows what an angry drunk might do at 3:00 a.m. some morning. Nobody wants to deal with that. I'm not saying he would sit there and plot against your family, either. Don't misread me. Just pointing out that he is unstable and an alcoholic. So really, he could do anything.
Don't play with matches around an open container of flammable liquids.
Neighbor Jeff will be leaving (or homeless) soon.
Addicts seem to be drama magnets.
You wish you could shake them and insist they make better choices in their lives.
They dig themselves into a hole and burn their bridges behind them.
I get why you are angry.
Jeffs addiction comes before everything else in his life - and you are mad and feel betrayed that you (and others) tried to help him and it just didn't work.
You've had your last straw with this guy.
Your husband isn't quite at that same stage yet.
It's this difference between you and your husband that is making you upset with him.
It's not a question of loyalty.
I don't think it's a hill worth dying on.
I get why you're upset with Jeff, but let me suggest that any apology he would make would be totally meaningless, right? He's severely ill and compromised, he's nasty, and he's probably feeling desperate given his circumstances. He seems to have a nasty streak and I'm not sure I'd work that hard to get an empty apology if he tends toward anger. If he's truly on his way out of the neighborhood, is it worth drawing a line in the sand? You're right, of course, but is that the number one goal, to assert that over someone who didn't even value his own wife? I'm not sure he's capable of giving you what you want.
I think this is much more about your husband not sticking up for you. I don't understand "You need to apologize but..." because "I'm not mad at you" really translates, at least in Jeff's mind, as "you really don't need to." This is about your husband not being able to sever ties with Jeff. I think you have a point, and so does your husband. Your husband is, perhaps, enabling Jeff too much even though you aren't giving him money, but he's still trying to be compassionate. Maybe that's more about making your husband feel better than making Jeff feel better, I don't know. You're trying to protect yourself from being used any more and being abused verbally, and that makes sense too. The problem is, publicly (in front of Jeff), you and hubby aren't on the same page. It's up to you whether you can make peace with someone who's just a complete mess even if he's nasty. I guess the question I would ask is, "If he's gone in 2-3 months and out of our lives, how will I want to look back on my actions and hubby's actions?" If you are going to be so mad at your husband that it affects your marriage, then he needs to hear you and choose you over Jeff. If you think this can be let go, then let your husband continue as he does. It would make sense to figure out why he's so intent on helping Jeff and what need this meets in his own mind.
When I first started dating my husband 13 years ago , to everyone else he was an alcoholic with a severe weight problem. I saw a hurting guy who wore his heart on his sleeve, who had been through hell and just needed someone to listen , push him gently to go to rehab, be there for them and get them back to a good place.
It doesn't always works this way,but in the end I was right and all that work was worth it. I think your husband , is hoping to help him.You are right to worry a little, I don't think you should have to apologize either.
I understand that you're angry at Jeff, he disrespected you, in your own property, and in front of your husband, but at the same time, you need to realize Jeff is mentally unstable. He is unemployed, losing everything else (his home, his wife), and he is an alcoholic. People in such situations CAN and DO say stupid things. I think your husband is just being kind to Jeff. Jeff is going to move out soon, as he said, and considering everyone else has turned their back to him, I think your husband is just indulging him and lending a listening ear.
I would ignore Jeff and try my best to not interact with him. He is at his wits' end (understandably) and may not even realize or admit his out of control addiction and that it has caused all this damage in his life. He may be thinking everyone has abandoned him because they don't care about him, rather than looking within and seeing he and his addiction have pushed people away and caused his issues.
As others have stated, an apology from a mentally ill problem won't carry much weight. I think your husband was plenty loyal asking him twice to apologize to you. You simply cannot take the rantings of an alcoholic as something serious. It's only a matter of time before he slips up and says something else that will offend you. Just like you may ignore the obscene comments of a drunk on the street, you should do the same when it comes to Jeff. He has no filter or thought process due to his alcoholism. Picking a fight with a drunk is at the same level as picking a fight with a mouthy child. Don't stoop to that level.
I've read, and agreed with, many comments here.
I'm in the 'let it go, move on' corner. From my own experiences in life, I'll just say this: you are going to get out of this situation what you put into it.If you are deciding that your husband is insulting you because *he decided* not to be emotionally triggered by Jeff's bad behavior (and my, I find your husband VERY healthy for not giving Jeff an emotional response)-- you are giving Jeff a lot more power than your husband is. Loyalty isn't about people feeling the way we want them to about a situation, or getting all macho and in an offender's face, it's about what we see from our spouses on a daily basis. Your husband didn't lie to you, speak poorly of you, or cheat on you-- all actions which would suggest disloyalty. Instead he chose not to create a worse situation.
We (my husband and I) have had a few experiences in the past where I was unhappy with how he responded to certain situations. What I discovered over time is that most usually, he was trying to deal with the given moment in the best way he felt possible, in order to minimize damage, as it were. Sometimes, we cannot control others but we can control ourselves and how we decide to respond. With that in mind, were I in your shoes, I'd want a plan going forward: "what should we do if Jeff shows up at our door again?" Creating plans with my husband ("what do we agree to do if X happens again?") is a much better use/resolution to a bad situation than holding onto anger toward each other. Don't give Jeff that much power, okay?
Girl - you need to let this go.
This is a mole hill you're making into a mountain. Seriously. This is like a high school dating game. I'm sorry - I'm NOT trying to be mean - but really? Your husband stated the comments were uncalled for. He WAS loyal.
Jeff is an alcoholic. You don't like him. He doesn't like you. Just drop it. Get over it and move on. You're wasting your time on this and expending a LOT of energy for someone who really isn't worth it. ANY apology FORCED is NOT an apology. Stop demanding something that will NOT be sincere.
