How to Relate to Pre-teen Girls in Battlefield

Haha, as a mom of two completely different girls and a leader to many Girl Scouts(11-15)I feel for you. Don't push the one that is Daddy's girl, you may not ever get close to her and you need to accept that and just try to keep the peace. The other two, find out what they like just by chit chatting. What kind of movies? Take them to see one. What kind of books? Go to the library. Don't try to buy their love, just spend time with them if they want you to. Listen carefully when they talk, if they mention their favorite toppings on their pizza, next time get that pizza. It will shock them that you remembered. Just don't show fear, they will feel it and be uncomfortable with you.

Good luck,
D.

oh pre-teen girls.. hang on for the ride. I have 2 boys and a teenage girl. The boys are so much easier and rarely have moods like she does. Listen to the girls talk and try to interact with them as much as possible but don't be in their faces all the time or they will feel that you don't trust them. Show them a lot of love even though they think it's lame at the time. I know when I tell my daughter I love her and she doesn't respond that she at least knows I love her and later on will hear comments from her when she is writing a story or talking to a friend and then I know everything is ok. The quiet girls are the ones that you have to watch more as they are hard to read and don't know what they are thinking. Mine tends to be quiet so I look for ways to help her open up or try to find something special to take her to and spend time with her. It's tough with girls as they have all those hormones going and want to feel accepted by everyone and peer pressure seems tougher on girls as they are worried about their looks and what people think about them more than boys do or that is how it is with my boys anyway, they are easy going, have a lot of friends and don't care what other people think. In fact they would rather wear off-brand clothes than the name brands because they found out they are more comfortable. The daughter tries to be in the latest fashion and hard to find clothes that she likes.

Cher A. completely nailed this issue! Her response rocks, & my sister is proof that this approach works.

My sis met her boyfriend just months after her divorce. She was fully-embracing being a single parent & (for the 1st time in her children's lives) felt that her Mom job of putting the kids 1st....was a priority....rather than all of those years of battling an alcoholic husband. Because this was so important to her, she was honest upfront about the kids being her #1 priority.

The first couple of guys she met did not understand this. BUT her current boyfriend (1 1/2 years now) totally gets this, because that is also his approach. When they're together, the entire focus is on the kids. Not on the parents making friends with the kids....just normal -no in your face, I want to be your friend dialog. By seeing their own parent completely trusting, happy, & relaxed...the kids were able to easily embrace the whole issue.

Even at 1 1/2 years together, my sis & her bf still do not do holidays/birthdays together. They keep the same family traditions, & keep their relationship to "just dropping in for a while" ....so there's no feeling of horning in. They have weekended together, sometimes with his family & sometimes with hers. They are all comfortable together. His kids were 15 & 17; hers were 19, 16, & 11 when they met. So my sis is proof that the hands-off approach works!

Okay... I think a lot of what the other ladies said are great suggestions. I would think coming from a family full of boys YOU would have a lot in common with tom-boys.

Now for a second thing to think about... My sister, AND My brother are both divorced and they both have kids AND they have been in new relationships for a couple of years. I have a niece who is 16 and nephews 13 and 8. All 3 children are periodically "rude" to the significant other, and other times they "accept" the situation. My sister is very upset with her sons' behavior and can't understand why he just won't be nice etc. I keep reminding her that if he was to "give in" to her boyfriend then he would be(in his mind) betraying his father. (who is absolutely the text book dead beat dad) The boyfriend has given him a roof over his head, groceries, a room of his own, he picks him up from school, and takes him to boy scouts, has taken him hunting & fishing...IS DOING EVERYTHING HIS "FATHER" SHOULD BE DOING. But yet... my nephew continues to act like a brat on occasions (by the way... he has not heard from his bio since christmas, and before that was fathers day) Okay...now for my 16 year old niece who wasn't "daddy's girl" UNTIL he introduced his girlfriend. Anytime we (the family) get together she fains sick, (therefore my brother must give her more attention than the girlfriend) OR if she is not pretending to be sick she sits on her dads lap BETWEEN the girlfriend. But the girlfriend and her go shopping, trips and they have a GREAT time. Both kids return to their mother and tell her how much a Bitch she is (I still have a great relationship with my sister-in-law) My sister in law has a boyfriend that is so nice to the kids, and My brother continues to tell me how much they HATE him.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is... don't try so hard, be yourself, include the girls when appropriate, but don't push (ask once etc.) and don't take ANYTHING personally. They probably secretly like you, unfortunately they may never show you due to the "betrayel" they may feel if they do.

Good luck.

The best thing you can do is not try to relate to them on their level. You are not 11 or 12. They will eat you alive if they see how unsure of yourself you really are. Get to know them just like you would get to know anyone. Treat them with respect and expect respect back. You may never be good enough for daddy, but then again if you put yourself on their level, they will not see who you really are and how good for daddy and them you may be.

Show an interest in their lives without being nosy. Get to know their likes and dislikes without trying to change them, or comparing yourself to them. Keep a little bit of distance until they decide to close the gap, if you move too fast they will find a reason to pull away.

Remember that daddy was theirs first and like all women they will be territorial. If you allow them to see who you are while doing your best to see who they are, you will be better off.

When going on family activities, you will want to take a step back. Watch the way he interacts with them, and the way they respond. Remember that they may have certain family rituals that you are unaware of, if you become an obstacle to those special times, you will become an unwated intruder.

For example if you are invited to go fishing, remember that this used to be daddy and his daughter. You dont want it to become daddy, his new girlfriend and the daughter as the third wheel. If things progress and move toward becoming a more permanent situation, you will eventually become part of that ritual in your own right. You would rather become a welcome part that unwelcome part.

I wish you well, but you are entering into preteen territory and daddys little girl territory all at once. Expect things to be bumpy and be happy when they go well.

Hi D.,
I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I am a grown up tomboy - I like all kinds of sports, UFC is my favorite, I play softball, I do not like shopping or makeup or clothes/shoes. I have 5 brothers (God has a great sense of humor, for goodness sake!)and only have 1 friend that is a woman - the rest are all guys. However, my bonus daughters are all about the girly stuff, so I had a hard time relating to them. The oldest, who is now 13, still is daddy's girl and always will be. I understand what everyone is saying about not pushing the boundaries, but if you do not draw the line with regard to how they approach you, speak to you, and treat you, you will pay for it in the long run.
You have to establish that you are the adult and, as such, they must respect you first and foremost because you are the adult, and second, because you will earn their respect. You also need to explain that if they want the same respect in return, they also must earn it. They are all smarter than you think - be sure to tell them: 1)you are not trying to take their mom's place, 2)you are not trying to get between their dad and them and that you know that in his life, they come first, 3)you realize how special their dad is and that even though they feel no one is good enough for their dad, you are going to do your best to prove otherwise and that you will be kind to him, good to him and treat him with respect as well. The key to this whole relationship working (between you and the kids, him and the kids, and all of you together) is to listen to all of them with an open mind and heart and be sure to follow through with everything you say. Good luck!

Well be yourself but don't get bossy. That is their parent's role. just remember nobody is exactly alike and some people take to change easier than others. this goes for kids to. some like a challenge and others don't. I would suggest just take it slow and watch for clues about how they truly feel.

also just remember they are just as confused and scared as you. also once in awhile try inviting them for a girls day out where they pick what they want to do and where they want to go. it may suprise you but they might respond to it.

Just be yourself. Do not put yourself in their space let them check you out while you are also checking them out. Do things as a group like bowling or minature golf/glow in the dark golf go to the Zoo. Again, be yourself and show them that you care but are not replacing their mother or even them in their father's life.

I have a daughter age 11 and I've found that some 11 year olds are more like 15 and some are younger, still playing with dolls. Mine is in between, she likes to go to movies and listen to music on her ipod. She is into playing Wii, and i think going bowling is a good any age thing to do, you can have bumper gards for the younger kids and there's interaction at a fun level. Enjoy them! Most importantly listen.

You could take her to a Wizards soccer game. The tickets are about $25 dollars a piece, or at least they were when I looked a couple of weeks ago. Just try to be interested in what she likes, or maybe take her to Dick's Sporting Goods in Overland Park to climb the rock wall, or Cabella's or Bass Pro Shop. Obviously she isn't the type to go get your nails done and talk about boys. Just treat her like a human and I'm sure you two will have fun together!

Good luck!!

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My opinion, just be yourself. You are a woman, so are they (kinda) you can find ways to relate. It sounds like you and the man you are in a relationship with are doing good taking it slow with the kids. Its hard on kids when they always see someone new, they tend to not take them seriously if they think they will be gone soon. You mentioned one of his daughters being tough, if she disrespects you and her father lets her, that should be a red flag to you. You dont want to end up with a man that lets his kids walk all over people. I know thats a little deep but as a single mom, you dont have time for nonsense.
I sort of disagree with the last post, too many rules, just be yourself, have fun, and if thats not good enough for them, then they are not good enough for you!
Good luck!

without your three year old (who is probably too young anyway, or perhaps someone could team up with him to be "one" person), what about family softball or kickball or something? you could do a picnic in the park too. not this weekend obviously, but maybe once it warms up. also the zoo is always fun for all ages (if they're not in that "that's so not cool" stage). just a couple thoughts.