How to Stay Involved with Your Teens

I have a 14 year old boy and 16 year old girl, I make them come with me to events, my 14 year old will sometimes say he doesn't want to do something, but after a while when he sees everyone else having fun he will usually join in. I joined a pirate re-enactment group, my daughter who is into theater was quick to join as well, but it wasn't until my son was kinda forced to hang around the group that he joined. He saw how much fun everyone was having and got to spend time with some of the men and now he is a pirate too! I know this must sound kinda strange, but we all have fun going camping at renaissance fairs and attending parades and stuff. My point is you don't have to always join in what they like to do, you can find stuff to do as a family, just have fun together. They will not show interest at first, but they'll come around. Hang in there!

Hi,

My oldest is 22, when he was in jr high and high school he was involved with the band so I was very involved with the band. In addition to attending every event I became vp of the parent boosters and helped with all the events, attended many of the practices etc.

This was a great way of meeting and getting to know most of his friends and being a part of his life without feeling like I was intruding.

If they are involved in a sport or group they always need parents to help out.

Good luck!

Hi M.,

I've taught high school for 11 years now (another four at the junior high level) and I can tell you, without hesitation or doubt, that your teens really do want you involved in their lives. It's tough. Here are some ideas I've picked up along the way...

1) Make a weekly coffee date (or ice cream, burgers, hot dogs, whatever) and just listen. Don't judge, don't offer advice, just listen. This is very hard for parents (myself included...my oldest starts high school tomorrow) but the rewards are outstanding.

2) Give them structure and limits appropriate to their level of responsibility. Believe it or not, most teens feel better with a routine they can count on.

3) Be interested in their academics. Check up on their grades, chat with their teachers, ask them what they've learned. This is a lot like pulling teeth from a tiger, but, again, the rewards are worth it.

4) If you can, get involved at the school. Help out with sporting events or volunteer in the office. Don't feel bad, though, if it takes a while to get this going. High schools just aren't used to parents wanting to volunteer! <g>

5) If you haven't already, start inquiring what your student wants to do after graduation. College? Military? Get a job? Again, without dominating the conversation, work your kid around to how they're going to accomplish that or expose them to the idea. For example, I want my kids to go to college. So, I've stressed academics and we visit the local university several times a year so they can run around and get used to it. We wander the halls, the library and see what college kids do (within reason, of course). This past summer, I enrolled my 14 year old in a "discover college" program through 4-H and he's psyched and ready to go to college...and willing to do the high school work necessary.

6) Even when you're really, really mad at them, try not to curse too much and call them bad names. They know what they did was lame, stupid or idiotic, but to be called lame, stupid or idiotic (or worse) sticks like gum on the bottom of your shoe.

Stay true to your principles. Teens are masters at sniffing out hypocrisy.

Good luck.

When they are little you have certain issues to deal with that are hard, like not wanting to go to bed or throwing tempertanturms. When you hit the teens they don’t want to know you or don’t have time for you. I faced that with my now 19 year old son and am facing it now my 15 year old daughter. Now my parenting challenges include having to figure out something that they find “fun” to be involved with them. I was struck by the lady whose dad stayed up at night to talk. My son is a night owl too and often he is very engaging when I want to sleep, so I’ve missed some sleep. My daughter wants to share the (boring) books she reads with me or see movies that I’d pay to get out of. I go, I read. It’s a matter of finding out when and how they want to interact with you. It’s a very individual thing with each kid. I find that I have to be available when those moments of interaction can occur. Try everything and be watchful for moments of opportunity. It makes sense when you think about it, after all, most of their life up to their teens they were involved with you, and in many ways they were doing things that you found interesting or fun. You set the stage and they followed. Now the shoe is on the other foot.

this summer (but you could do it all year) my 17 yr. old son and I had lunch out once a week. he got to pick the restaurant (it couldn't be the same one twice) and we spent that time together. it's hard to sit and eat without talking and we actually had a good time try it hope it works for you

Hi M., A lot of parents have this issue. I am a mother of 3, two sons and daughter, I have always been a hands on mom, chaparone fields trips, volunteerd in all 3 of my kids school rooms, my first born was very open with his life and shared and wanted his father and I envolved in his life, our second son was not like that, I honestly had to pry my way into his life, around the age of 19, he finally let me in full flege, my daughter and I have almost been like siamese twins, she is now 19 and she loves me haning out with her and her friends and her friends think i'm cool. One of the things that we learned in our patrenting teen clases, he that need to make home mre appealing than the streets, make our home a refuge for not only our kids but their friends as well, our kids as teens loved for ys to do things with them, as teens they hugged us in from of their friends, but their friends would hug us as well, My husband and i always tried to show an intwerest in what ever they were interested in, and they saw that effort, I even gave my sons music a chance, I'm 51 years old and like a lot of the same music my sons listen to, my daughter loves all the old school music that i like, our kids get to a certain age, that although they still needs guidance, but more they need exceptamce and encouragement, When my now 21 year old kept us ( what i felt was arms lenght) my first though was, he's doing things he does not want us to now about, that was short lived wen he lost his walet and asked me if I could help him find, and I was in his room going through drawers, pannts pockets, his wal unit, and he didn't care that I was going through those things, so I knew he was hiding anything. and when one of his friends got kicked out of his house twice we took him in, one of his teenage female friends, had a fight with her mom, I saw her sitting outside out home at 4:00 in the moning in the winter time, and I brought her in the house and made her hot chochlate to warm her up. Be available for your kids and their friends, don't be overly crictcal, of clothes, music, things like that, in our home we picked our battles, and if if won't keep our kids out of heaven we don't spen to much time on it, their music, if it has curse words or lurics that are derogatory towards they muct head sets. Our kids are grown now, our firt born will be 25 in october, he's married, and lives in AZ, another son 21 he lives at home, and is putting in packet for armed security and then our daughter 19 who lives at home is in college and is a dancer, you have a few more years left to really get in there, you sound like a mom who is dedicated to her family, si I believe all will be OK with you and your kids. I have one question are your son's like best friends? mine have been almost their whole lives, if so that;s great, if not encourage the 17 year old to be there for the 15 year old.

We started going through this with our now 18 year old 4 years ago. My solution was and still remains everyone will be at my table for dinner PERIOD! At the table, to get things going each of us has to list the funniest or best 5 things that happened to them that day... it is often hilarious and it keeps the conversation flowing. It also keeps in mind that more often than not it's the little things in life that matter. It also helps our kids to see us not just as parents, but as people who have things going on in their lives too.
At 18, my son is just too cool (busy) for us a lot, and I end up feeding his girlfriend more then I like to, but the rule remains and I tell them that even after they move out they will be required to come home on Sunday's for family dinner for as long as Im alive!

what I do is take time from whatever I'm doing and focus exclusively on them. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes and a "connection" is made. I either sit close to them, watch their computer game or activity without saying anything. Eventually, they make a comment, gesture.
Many times, I'm purposely inside their rooms when they arrive from school (fixing their closet or something) and I'll comment, "I'll be out of here soon". I check my watch...not 5 minutes pass when they'll talk. I may ask a question "what did you do at PE?" (instead of the boring "how's school" which only gets us the eternal "fine" reply).
Here's the catch. TRANSITION into adulthood is independence.
You go to them. Don't expect them to come to you like when they were four. Enjoy watching them grow. There is a wonderful joy in seeing them make mistakes, correct, mature.

You may not think TV is such a good thing, but you can just watch some TV with them. It will spark conversation and that can be a very good thing.
It sounds as if you kids aren't participating in sporting or music events. This keeps parents very busy. Maybe they could help you with what you teach. Just a thought.
Also ask them to make the dinner once in a while. They give you a list of what to buy.
Gossip with them about their friends.
Play ping pong with them.
Aren't you teaching them to drive?
They "must" go to some of your 9 year old's activities.
Buy a pool table and all learn.
Ask questions.
Don't give up.
B.
____@____.com

M.... I know the feeling and now have two who are off in college now. I always felt it was important to stay connected to your kids even when they transition into a more independent life. That connection is so important even when they are acting like they are pushing away. For me, it helped when I tried to enter their world, their interest, etc. Do you boys play sports? That was always a nice way for me to remain involved. Most boys that age enjoy skating so maybe a trip with boys and mom to the Block in Orange and they can enjoy the Van's skate park while you sit and watch and take them to lunch. If not, boogy boarding is always a favorite for boys their age. You sound fit and I'm sure up to the adventure. Make it a mom/boys day and tell them you want them to teach you to boogy board. My son still recalls how funny it was watching Mom trying to boogy board and it actually was a blast! I have a daughter but set aside time for my son doing things he liked and lunch/dinner just with him. I think eating out with just your boys is a nice way to get them out of the house and it's just the three of you. They open up and the dialogue seems to just flow after a bit. As much as I hated it, yes... I learned to play Playstation Madden football. In time they loved it when I would get killed on the football field and would crack up. I think it's finding the connnection and trying to share their world with them that makes a difference. They have been a part of our world since birth but are exploring their own, when you find what that is for them and show an interest you will see they are more welcoming to share it with you. I don't think it's about them not wanting to do things with you, it's more that you have to try different ways to do things they like. They love the attention and find it funny when dear ol Mom is trying something new with them. Talk to them about YouTube, MySpace, their iPod and stuff like that. I remember one night staying up until 2am laughing hysterically when my son showed me YouTube and some of his favorite funny videos. People slipping off boats into the water, funny weddding mistakes, skating mishaps, you name it. All young people these days check those things out. I found one video that was hysterical and told my son I have a good one for you! He showed his friend and said... dude, my Mom found that one! Just talking to them about a story you read in the paper about someone their age and instead of inserting your opinion (like I had a tendency to do), I would say wow, what do you think about that? Their friends were a big connection point as well. Maybe when my son was at home, I would say.. hey, want to go to the Block and catch a movie? You can invite your friend. I would meet my girlfriend there and get a Starbucks and they would catch a movie. Of course they were hungry after and all of us would grab something to eat. The boys would have their side converstaitons going on an usually about someone they knew. Later I started to know all the scenarios that were going on in their inner circle and instead of "how was your day" it allowed me to ask, so did Jason work things out with his girl? Before you know it your son is telling you what happend and how he feels about it. Shoot, it got to the point that my son would come home from a dance or football game and I made it a point to be in the living room watching TV. We would stay up for hours and he would tell me all about who did what and what's going on. He never did that before I showed a true interest in his inner circle and what was going on with them. I don't know your sons' interest or personalities but to sum it up, I think finding ways to create a connection with them will make you and them feel closer. Shoot, I remember telling my son... I know you are getting older now but guess what? I'm even older, lol. I still have a desire to want to be as close to you as I was when you were five. My son just laughed like ok, Mom but I saw a smile on his face. I do believe he felt good about me being honest about feeling a bit disconnected and wanting to be closer yet giving him his room to grow. Now I think I am probably one of the first one's my son calls when things come up in his life and if it makes you feel better just know at one point I was exactly where you are. Your boys are just getting older and you are simply recoginizing your relationship with them is transitioning. It's much less mothering than they when they were younger and more mature relationship developing at their age. Yes, you will always be their mother but it just takes on a different role as they age. Just be open to looking at their current interest and if you share that with them they will in time reconnect and enjoy doing things with you... best wishes!

They are at a tough age. My husband and I have gone to do everything family oriented and always make sure to include their friends. We have a pool so make it so they can come over and swin with just a cheap Bar-B-Q.

Hey M.,

Hi, I have a son that is 17 and a daughter who is 16 and I myself, feel like I am already going through "empty nest symdrome"!! They do want to spend all their time with their friends and at their age it's understandable!! I communicate alot with my kids and we still go to the movies, dinner or just hang out watching TV sometimes!! As long as they know the rules, respect and communicate as well, I have to realize that they are growing up and need and have their own interest!! Your lucky you still have your 9 year old daughter and I am sure she really likes to be around Mommy!! And in your own words, just stay supportive and remember they are always going to need you!! Good Luck!!

V.

Hi M.:
Wow,It seems like only yesterday,that my sons were that age.They were two years apart as well.They got along fabulously. Your right,when they reach their teens,they really are spreading their wings,and they spend most of their free time hanging out with friends.Don't you believe they no longer look to you for support or advice. They still need to know your there,when ever they need you.Sure,they want to try things on their own,but its sure great to have mom there, just in case.Best thing you could do for you and them,is keep the lines of communication open for them. I've always been a realist M.. I guess I could have pretended ,that my sons were to mature to allow themselves to be pressured into anything by their peers,but I remembered my own experiences,as a teen,and it just wasn't that easy to be the leader all the time.I told both my sons,that I knew they would be invited to parties,and that it was inevitable they would be put in a situation,where they would have something to drink. I told them,if they ever got into a bind,where their designated driver for the evening,had drank,and they knew he shouldn't drive,to call me.I told them,I didn't care what time it was,or where I had to drive.I told them I wouldn't drill them or lecture them,that my only concern was their safety,and the reasurance,that my sons would return home safe,(even if they did slip up.) Your probably wondering,if they ever used my service. God bless them,(They did) A couple times.They kept their promise,and I kept mine.They were wise enough not to get in the car with their intoxicated friend,and I never reprimanded them.I'm sure,there are those that would (gasp) at the thought of this arrangement,but like i said,I'm a realist. My sons appreciated that I understood the temptations,and peer pressure that go hand and hand with growing teens.Those days were merely another stage.They learned from it,showed compassion to a mothers concerns and fears,and most wonderful of all,They survived those (crazy teen years) I wish you and your sons the very best.

sounds like you have gotten some good advice. i am a mother of a 14, 13 and a 4 year old so sometimes it is hard to balance them all and find activities for everyone.

i agree with a lot of what i read. my kids are involved with sports and/or music. i try to volunteer so i see what they are doing and also meet there friends. i also let them bring friends home for the same reason. so i can get to know them and be involved.

we also have always sat at the table for dinner. as busy as we are we always try to make time for dinner around the table and try to talk. you can get more info usually if you dont ask too many direct questions. i will ask what is something good that happened today and not how was school.

we also try to do as many family trips as week can. couple days at the beach. or a trip to the zoo. the older kids enjoy watching their lil sis see things for the first time. she is a funny kids and we can all laugh together.

good luck and never give up. teens are an up and down thing but i know that someday they will look back and appriciate us. not for the trips to disneyland but for the daily being there for them and the small traditions.

Hi M.,

I just read some of the responses and couldn't agree more. Great ideas out there and I've used most of them. My sons are both in their 20's now and they still talk about the fun we had when the team came over and family night, etc. In fact when I run into team members they still talk about it with me. Whatever you do don't push them to open up. Just make sure there is plenty of opportunity to do so when they are ready. I always made sure I was the one doing the driving so I had a captive audience. They may seem like they are pulling away but in reality they are just growing up and becoming men. Never forget to be their parent but try treating them as young adults and I guarantee you'll see results. Just remember how you wanted to be treated at that age. Good luck to you.

L.

I am the mother of 3 (two boys now 22 and 19 and a daughter 15). When my oldest was in high school we would host Monday Night Football for him and his team mates every single Monday night. We cooked burgers and would play their game tape at half time. We continued that tradition for the second son, even after my husband passed away. It was something that they all looked forward to doing. For all my kids I am one of the mom's who will always drive. It is amazing how you can get to know all the kids when driving them around. We have always had the house that they all want to hang at. I will watch movies with them, even if it isn't the kind I like. Listen to their music, take them to concerts that we both enjoy. I also volunteer at their school and I make it a priority to make it to every thing they do, be it sports or otherwise. We also have dinner, at the table, at least four nights a week. Not all of them make it at the same time, but they know that it is there nonetheless. I make it clear to them that I am NOT trying to be thier "friend", but that I do want a close, open relationship that is built on trust. They know that I am more aware of what is going on in their lives and the lives of their friends than I let on. It is hard because they want to start to have thier own identity, and they start to pull away, but you have to always let them know that family is important and that you will always be there.

There is a lot of good information here from other people. Listen to your own instincts and try not to "force" too much at one time.

Good luck.

The poster about the boogy board and video games was right on. You have to do what they like to do. Appeal to their interest. What teen boy doesn't want to eat? Take them out for fast food or to a restaurant one night a week. Make it a standing date, even on a school night. That is your time to connect. Also, make a big effort to have one-on-one time with each of them---you can do the fast food thing, or carve out different chunks of time doing whatever their fav thing is. Some of my best memories w/my oldest son was late night movies.....I'd drag my butt out of the house for a 10:00 movie with him when his younger bro was asleep and dad stayed home. We'd stop for Starbucks or something on our way, then hit the late movie, or stop for fast food on the way home. He loved scary movies, so that's what we saw the most. Also, most boys love playing poker or blackjack, and sometimes other card games (spades, spoons, a**hole, etc.) and you can even have a mandatory card night once a month. Buy yummy snacks--things you don't normally have on hand---toffee nuts, M&M's, lemonheads, gummies, etc and put them in little bowls on the table. They love that. You can even have guy friendly foods for dinner and make it an entire evening, if you can corral them that long. (Nachos, buffalo wings, fried mozz. sticks, etc.) Figure out what night you'll have your "card night" and put it on the calendar the entire year. For instance, the 3rd Wednesday/Sunday, etc. of each month, and do not deviate from that. You'll be amazed at how much your boys will come to love that, and the memories it will create!! Just make regular plans, don't let them get out of it unless it's for something SUPER SPECIAL (like a concert or other rare thing!!)!! It's takes some effort and creativity and a little bit of a tough hide (to mask any hurt feelings initial complaining might be heard), but dig in your heels to have them do this, and stand on your head to make it FUN!! (In a way it doesn't seem fair you have to do all the work, but it's so worth it!!) Another thought is a donut and coffee run (the few times one of them is up early). Also, I had some success w/knocking on my son's door to wake him and asking if he wanted to go to the Pancake House for breakfast (sometimes yes, sometimes no). He could easily go back to sleep if he didn't want to go. Another thing---if they're sports fans, take them to an Angels game, or Clippers, or whatever they (or he if it's just one) like.

It is natural for teenagers to start pulling away from their parents. This is the way they prepare psychologically for adulthood. Are they in any trouble? Is your relationship with them still loving? Are you available to them when they need you? I know from experience its hard, but they do start living their own lives. It sounds like you are on top of things. There is a book entitled Primal Teen that helps understand some of the changes kids go through. I know it helped me feel better.

All these responses made me cry! I have a 5 yr old, so I am still far away from these years, but I know they will come quickly enough.

One thing two different friends with older kids told me was that massage was good trick (but not sure how early you have to start). When they get to the age where they don't want to be touched, and you long to touch them, they will still usually want a massage :) Also, one friend said that when they are in that relaxed, going-to-sleep state, they may keep talking so that you keep going wit the massage--they don't want it to stop. Then they end up sharing/ tell you things. I suppose it won't with all kids, but hey, if it works for some, why not?

Thank you all for sharing such great advice. I will for sure keep this post!

Speaking in terms of how it was when I was that age... my most fondest memories is of how my late Dad handled that, and how close we were to him as a "Dad."

His "style" of Parenting... was that he ALWAYS made it clear to us that he was ALWAYS there for us... without nagging. That we could ALWAYS talk to him about ANYTHING, not matter what... AND WITHOUT JUDGMENT. No, he didn't act like a "buddy"...but rather, a Parent who loved his kids no matter what, unconditionally. He was always proud of us, even if we were different in philosophy or opinion or personalities.

Sometimes, when he knew something was bothering us... he'd stay up late at night, making like he was just watching t.v., but he "knew" that when we were ready, we would initiate a conversation...about what was bothering us. It was very comforting and non-confrontational...which was very productive at this age.

I remember another time, when as a teen, I had painted my bedroom in a "cool" abstract design...ALL the walls. I was SO proud and when my Dad came home from work, I showed it to him excitedly. (Note, that I was not "afraid" of him or showing this to him)....and upon seeing my "creation" and seeing how "proud" I was... he did NOT yell or scold me...but RATHER told me how "creative" I was... and how good at art I am... and that if I want to take art lessons, he'd look for some good classes for me. I knew he was sincere and not just telling me a "fib." He too had extensive art and design background and was a true "Renaissance Man"... so his attitude on this was very different than most Parents. However, seeing how my Dad reacted to me and handled the situation... I REALLY learned about life, and appreciation, love, and respect. I really also respected HIM for that too, and learned about "honoring" my Parents.

He was never a "hammer" Parent...but rather, gave us wings to soar with, and respected us. Individually. THIS is invaluable to a child and their later development.

Later, when we were "adults" my Dad explained that he did this because he wanted us to feel "safe" and happy at home... thus, preventing us from seeking negative outside influences and dangers.

As a Mom... this same approach can work. ALSO, with boys... you must encourage communication and expression of their feelings....so they don't get all pent up and frustrated.

No matter what "phase" or manner of dress we went through.. he always showed an interest in our lives...without having to nag or "control" us. But yet at the same time, he instilled enormous values in us, and appreciation for life and it's lessons.

Just have a "grown up" talk with them... let them know that you understand them, and are ALWAYS there for them too.

Growing up this way, in the manner that my Dad "taught" us, unconditionally, was so so great. We were closer to my Dad than my Mom... although they are both loving Parents.

All the best,
Susan

I would like to know what you find out...it would be helpful!

Hi M.,
When my three boys were teen agers, mostly I went to see their sporting events. Are your boys into sports at all? I also encouraged them to have friends over for pizza and a movie or games. Making sure you eat supper together as a family also helps maintain contact. How "involved" you can be depends on the personality of the son. My middle son wouldn't even come over and get his lunch from me at high school if he forgot it and I brought it. My younger son would jog over and give me a hug and a thank you. Try not to nag. Try making a chart with requirements...chores that they need to do with check boxes when done. Explain it to them at supper or another sit down and tell them that they need to learn responsibility and so you are going to try not to nag them, just let them look at the chart and do the things needed. One of my sons was a "neat-nick" and his room was always clean, another's room was a total disaster. I just closed the door and told him if things were not in the hamper they would not be washed when he wanted to wear them. Each has their own style.

The only time we did things together was when we went on vacations or down to visit the grandparents and went to the zoo or beach. Mainly show interest in what they are doing and in their academics, grades,school projects etc. Go shopping for things like shoes and clothes (or if like some of my sons they hate stores...then pick up what they request for them to try on, but be prepared to take them back and try again numerous times...my one son appreciate me "being his store" as he was very involved in sports, music groups, and young peoples.) Show interest in where they are going, ask if you can do anything for them such as pick up pizza for them to have at the house, plan food with them and help get food together for them for an outing or things they need for school projects etc. Try to meet all their buddies (and girlfriends too) so you know what is going on. If possible, again, have your sons bring them over sometimes. Also talk to them about the future and whether college is what they want or a trade school or training. My sons were all academic, but some people are not and getting an apprenticeship for an electrician, carpenter,plumber could be the way to go. It is the time when you need to explore the possibilities for the future. If they are college bound, explore campus close and also ones they are interested in on vacations. It is the time of life they really need to know you are there for them, but also need to have some room.
I wish you the best,
H.