How to Talk to Daughter About Strangers

H.,

I have been reading the scholastic book "Stay away from strangers" it's by kid guardian. My daughter at 3 had me reading it and now she is 4. She actually asks me to read it to her quite often. They have a nice collection of books (911 and crossing the street)about important subjects that I have found my daughter has grasp the concept. Driving in the car She often repeats the rules back to me and has learned her address and phone number.
It's challenging so my best to you! M.

I teach preschool and have been able to affectively communicate the message that some people seem really mean but they aren't, and some people seem really nice but they aren't. This is a valuable lesson for so many reasons. You are teaching her not to judge people based on appearances alone, which seems to be a tougher lesson for adults than it is for children. There is a Bernstein Bears book that I have used with three-years-olds that uses the illustration of an apple that looks good outside, but has a worm in it. They also show an apple that looks bumpy and odd but is tasty and delicious inside. It is a bit wordy for three-year-olds, so I use the pictures more than I really read the story. I just kind of "tell" the story. Blessings to you and yours! :)

Maybe you should work on teaching her about people's personal space? That other people may not want her in their 'bubble'? Children with a lot of empathy seem to struggle with that. Because they feel other people so strongly they seem to struggle with what is their and what is other folks emotions. My advice may sound strange...but try dance classes, ballet to be exact. Part of dance is..this is your dance space...this is their dance space. It also helps with self-esteem, kinetic awareness, muscle tone, coordination...just to name a few. My husband is very empathitic and struggled with the same issue.
And while strangers can be dangerous..the sad fact is that the majority of molested and hurt children are hurt by someone that knows them and their families.
I hope this helps..
Tam

I would only worry about it in public places. Tell her not everyone is nice, and that if anyone makes her feel uncomfortable, weird or funny, she should trust her instincts and stay away from them. Usually children have a built-in radar for people that are "off" and would do harmful things which bring out the feelings I mentioned above. Most children who have encountered "bad people", ignored those feelings to be polite and were hurt. In the old days, my mother and grandmother encountered people that were not safe - long before they talked about "such things", and they could sense danger, and kept away.

If you think about it, we rely on strangers a lot. I don't think we should condition our children to be paranoid. However, I DO think that we need to be wise in telling our children that if someone makes them feel funny, weird or uncomfortable, they should stay away from that person. Teach them to trust and go on their instincts, and bolt the door in such a way she can not get out when Mommy is suddenly "indisposed".

I agree with not talking about strangers just yet. It is a serious subject and, at 3 years old, she can not even comprehend that someone would be dangerous, much less mean to HER. She feels safe and you have given her a great base of self confidence.
I recommend, for now, getting flip locks for your outside doors. That's what my mom had to do for me (35 years ago). Easy to install, easy to use.
You can start discussing bounderies. For instance, with the appraiser... "He is working." "He is not here to play with you." (Yes, soon they have to understand that they are not the center of *everyone's* universe. <grin>) And at the store... "you have to stay where I can see you". And discipline when the rule is broken. She has to know you are serious. (Time out for 1 minute by the grocery cart is fine.)
My daughter is 5 now and she has always been as you described your little one. When my daughter and I talked about "a stranger is someone you don't know", she concluded that as soon as you ask the person their name, then you know them and they are no longer a stranger. I don't believe at 3, you could have a conversation that would "end" the behavior. And you never know, out of ALL the words you say, how she will comprehend it. You will have to remind her constantly until it sticks. As they grow, they have greater comprehension and you will be educating them continually as they are able to understand.

We started the conversation after reading "The Bearenstain Bears Learn about strangers." It is a start and age appropriate. You can get it from your library.Good luck.

We also switched our backdoor lock to a key lock. We have a hook high up on the door where we hang the key - so it's right there to use but my son can't reach it.

You've gotten some good answers. I think that maybe instead of talking about "stranger danger", that you could focus on personal safety. Far too often, the people who harm children are known and considered safe. Personal safety would also cover running off, crossing streets, and avoiding other dangers. Here in Salem, there is a summer program for preschoolers called Safety Town. It's great, and is very reasonably priced. It's an 8 day program that teaches all about personal safety. While adults run the program, the children work in small groups with volunteer middle school and high school teens. Both of my children attended as youngsters, and had such fond memories that they were volunteers when they were in middle school. If there is not a similar program where you live, I think the reference librarians at your local library could recommend some good books.

I don't have suggestions for talking to her about strangers (I know that's your question) but I had a related idea. We put doorknob covers on our doors that go outside once my 2-year-old sons learned how to open them. Now, I don't have to wonder if they can escape the house while I'm otherwise occupied. That's one step that might help resolve your fears. Good luck!

My friend suggested a book called "Protecting the Gift" that covers this exact topic. I haven't read it yet, but it is on my to read list.

I hear you!

Formerly in our culture we used scary fairy tales to frighten kids into staying inside ... I've never found a useful replacement. I kind of tell my kids as much of reality ("some people do very bad things to kids," expanded as necessary) until the kid in question 'hears' enough to rein themselves in.

But I have one, that has nearly gotten herself run over twice, and consistently disappears to places she understands to be "safe" (which doesn't mean I know where she *is*, argh!).

Prayer helps too ... because we can't protect them all the time ...

My daughter was the same way at age 3. Now that she's six, she won't talk to anyone, even if she knows them. My three-almost-four-year-old is still in the trusting stage although it's beginning to change. So I think it's the age, and you just have to figure out how to keep her safe every minute until she develops some fear (which at age 5 might become it's own concern). Easier said than done, I know. Good luck! I used a lot of safety gear--over-the-doorknob bulbs, safety chains, hook-and-eye closures that were too high for them to reach--you name it--just like the others mentioned.
J.

My son has this same personality.. I personally don't believe in doing the 'stranger-danger talk' until he's old enough to be doing things by himself (he's currently 5). I am always supervising my child when we're out, so I will be the one to assess if the person is dangerous. I don't think that adults should leave that up to a child of any age. There are just too few dangerous people to make children scared of everyone. I always want my son to be out-going and friendly with people, it's a great trait to have.

However, he also does touch strangers. He often startles people because he's so out-going. My stead-fast rule is that we only touch people that we know. I have kept reinforcing this over and over again. It has taken a little while, but he did finally get it. Once in a while I still have to remind him, but overall it's fine now. Most people don't really seem to mind my out-going child, but if he seems to be annoying someone I always redirect his attention.

I really feel that it's much better to have an out-going child, then I shy one. There really just isn't that much danger from strangers to worry.

Good luck!

Oh, how scarey for you, H.--. I'm a 63 year old Mom/grandmom and 40 year + teacher--- I have to ''weigh in'' on the 'don't talk'' side- and here's why. It is OUR responsibility to keep them safe for years yet --- even 7 year olds are NOT able to make the judgement - ''is this person an acquaintance of my folks and thus safe or could they be dangerous- too- since they make me feel icky when----'''' -- they are just too little. Now- there is hardware that you can install on your exterier doors that will make sure she doesn't go visitng- that is a HUGE issue- and one you can settle for -- oh-- I would guess the hardware would cost 15---MAYBE 40 dollars???? pretty cheap for the peace of mind. If YOU react to her friendliness with concern and worry-- she will inch by inch move into realizing that her safety is at risk. Right now she ''''' knows ''''' that you and her Daddy are God-like and will provide and care for her perfectly. While she grows into a more big-kid attitude ( which is sad but necessary) --- do what you can to keep your peace of mind.

Many blessings,
J.

Hi H.,

Personally, I don't think there's any harm in starting the conversation with her at the age of 3. Will she understand it all - no, but it will give you a starting point to continue to build off of as she gets older. With how affectionate she is, it seems like it might be a necessary thing to do. There are ways to talk about it without making it scary or anything.

There are a few good DVD's out there for her to watch that approach it in a subtle way. I got one called "Stranger Safety". It's a little silly, but it does a decent job grabbing the kid’s attention and getting them to watch. I like how they categorized people as "people we know" (green), "kind of knows" (yellow) and "don't knows" (red). I like how they have the "kind of knows" section particularly because the kids may feel more comfortable with them (making them more vulnerable), but they can be just as dangerous as "don't knows". The categorization setup is easy for me and my 4yo to remember when we talk about it. If you do a search on Amazon.com for "stranger safety DVD" or something similar, it will give you a few options. You can read through the descriptions and other parent’s reviews to figure out if there is one that appeals to you (which you can buy online or somewhere local).

I've talked to my son's preschool teacher about if they teach anything in class, and she said that they do have a safety awareness month where they discuss these things as well. She did advise me though that there have been studies where kids will go through a safety training lesson and then they walk about the door unknowingly being tested on some of these things and said that it was surprising how many of the kids would do something they were just taught not to do. (Keeping in mind too, that some of them did not.) So yes, it is a little young for them to really get it all, but I think that it's more reason to keep discussing it periodically to keep the information fresh in their minds.

I've really found that it works well to utilize time during car rides to talk about various things (since you have them sitting in one spot already and have more of their attention); one of them being stranger safety. (We also talk about fun stuff, like rules of the road, cars, clouds in the sky or anything that comes to mind for either myself or my son(s).) We'll talk about how people can seem really nice and may even have a cute puppy they want you to come and play with or offer a yummy treat, but if they're a "don't know" or even a "kind of know" he can't talk to them unless mommy or daddy are there. I also tell him that it's ok to run away if he feels uncomfortable and even ok to yell if he feels he needs to. I would rather have him feel comfortable doing that than feeling like he has to follow the usual rules even if he's feeling uncomfortable or in an unknown situation. (We've never had any issues with this rule otherwise in case you might think it would.)

**Also, we got a slider lock that we put at the top of our front & back doors so none of my kids can get out or answer the door without me or my husband being there. (Answering the door [or more accurately NOT answering the door] is another safety subject that we discuss.) We got the locks after my oldest son did just what you decribed, which was walk out front with no shoes or socks on and was standing in our driveway when I while I was taking a quick pee break. They sure can move quickly! We haven't had any issues since, and it has stopped many attempts.

You definitely have your work cut out for you with how friendly your daughter sounds. I'm glad you're reaching out to get ideas on how to approach it. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

I agree with Wendy. We bought the Stranger Safety video and had the kids start watching it at 3 and 4. It is a silly video that helps convey a very serious message in such a way that kids remember the lessons taught without being in constant fear of being taken. Check Amazon.com. The video was created by John Walsh and the creator of the Baby Einstein videos.
Also, we made the decision to put key entry deadbolt locks on our door. You need a key to open it both from the inside and outside. I was worried about switching to this type of lock. After attending a lecture on child safety, I changed my mind. The instructor said, which is greater - having a fire in your home or having your child escape your home? We placed a key in a spot close to the door so if we do need to escape the house quickly, we have the key handy. Now our little ones can not get out of the house without our knowledge. Good luck!

H. my oldest son is now 34 I had started talking to him about stangers when he was 2 my secont son the same & to this day Iam thankful I did because by the time they were 3 & 4 years old they new had I not done this I may not have them today because a stange man did try & get them to get in his car the cute puppy trick. there responce, we have a puppy & ran home thank god I started early on this leason I dont think its ever to soon to teach our childen. good luck & god bless. J.

I didn't read what everyone else said, so sorry if this is a repeat - I highly recommend the book "Protecting the Gift," by Gavin DeBecker it is excellent, informative and helpful. In the meantime - it seems like you need a chain or other mechanism for locking your doors up high enough that your daughter can't reach it even if she pulls a chair over. That's only part of the problem, but it would help keep her safe. The whole issue of stranger danger is addressed in the book but in a nutshell he says that teaching it isn't a good idea because you talk to strangers everyday - in fact you let the appraiser into your house (which I would say probably communicates to her that he is safe). Instead of telling her not to talk to strangers, you would help her figure out which people are safer than others if she needs help, etc. However, I have a three year old too and I feel pretty comfortable with the fact that at this point in his life his safety is soley my responsibility. You could check with an occupational therapist to see if they can help you with the personal space boundary issue, it could be a sensory thing. Good luck, and wow, this turned into a pretty long post, sorry.

Yikes! Runaway toddler!!!

While ours was super trusting, he wasn't an escaper (for which I continually count my blessings, although we didn't really give him the chance, either), although my nephew and a neighbor's 3 year old was. My nephew was found wandering around 3 stories down in the parking lot in the middle of the night more then once, and the neighbor's kid
A) was found in the middle of the highway (6 blocks away), unharmed but having stopped four lanes of traffic to keep him that way
B) Climbed in the car (stickshift) got the car in neutral, and it rolled all the way across the street and crashed into my parents house...wiping out one whole corner of the house.

Any of those 3 events could have been deadly, the last two to more then just the kids who went off on their own...and those are just a few examples. Escapers escape given the opportunity. You wouldn't leave rat poison laying on the floor...it's time to take drastic steps quickly.

1) Make it IMPOSSIBLE to go outside without asking, until she's old enough to understand. Fliplocks or chains on the doors...stop slides on the windows. ALL THE TIME.

2) Public Places...This is less of a concern, but scrawling your cellphone # from elbow to wrist best case gets a hold of you rather quickly, and worst case gives someone a contact person for ransom or which morgue to go to. Also...we've got a lot of family in Europe, where people actually walk a LOT. Teathers & leashes aren't inhumane, especially for a child who likes to take advantage of distraction to slip away/run into the street/talk to a stranger with a care door open...they're lifesaving.

In any event...I second the idea of getting her involved in dance or sports if you want her to start learning about personal space...but before anything else...it's time to make escaping absolutely impossible.