How to Tell My 4-Yr. Old That His Grandparents Are Getting Divorced?

Dear E.,

If your son is close to the man he calls “Grandpa” and the man you refer to as “not my Dad”, then before he leaves it would be nice for him to come over and say goodbye to your children. He might want to keep in touch with the kids by sending post cards, birthday gifts, and maybe even the occasional phone call. He could tell them he’s going on a long trip/adventure, and doesn’t know when he will be back. You could tell them the same if he’s unwilling to say goodbye.

I really don’t subscribe to outright lies, but children grow up too fast and don’t need every detail of the messes adults manage to make of their lives.

Blessings….

Hi E.,

I would not necessarily take this opportunity to explain the concept of divorce to your 4 1/2 year old. That's a lot for someone so small to take on board. If he thinks that married people can decide not to live toegther any more that might make him start worrying about other married people he knows - namely you and Daddy.

Instead of focusing on the grandparent who is leaving I would focus on the grandparent who is staying. Expalin, as the previous writer suggested, that Grandpa and Grandma aren't going to live together any more because Grandpa is going on an adventure so we won't get to see him as much any more BUT aren't we lucky that Grandma is staying right here and we're still going to get to see her all the time.

My grandparents didn't get divorced, but when I was 5 my Grandmother died and my much loved Grampa, who was not my mother's father and who my mother didn't like, disappeared from my life, but I didn't know it. "He" sent postcards and birthday gifts, which I found out years later my mother had written and sent. I'm not into lying to kids, but I really appreciate that she did because I think losing both of my grandparents at the same time would've been awful for me.

If Grandpa is cooperative then he could send the postcards to keep in touch. If not and your little boy is missing him at a particular time, you could always send a postcard 'from Grandpa'. It might help him feel better.

Good luck. This is a tough one.

All my best, D.

Dear E.,
I went through this same thing with my parents when my son was about that age. My mom and step dad had been married for 15 years. He was the only "Grandpa" my kids really knew as my father, "Pappaw", was on the East coast.
My daughter is 10 years older, so she understood. Even still, we didn't get into the logistics of everything with her.
We didn't really say much to my son about it. My step dad stayed in their home as it was his before they married, and my mom moved in with my sister and her family for a time. We live an hour away from where my mom lived, so my son was just happy to see her more often. He didn't really ask too many questions. On holidays, the kids and I often stay at my sister's and I remember my son being so excited when he said, "Nanny, I wish you could spend the night too," and she said, "Honey, Nanny IS going to spend the night and we're going to have some fun!"
He never thought a thing of it. He did say one time that he wanted to go to her house and I said that she didn't live at that house anymore. She had a new house now. So, I took him to her new house. She had just got settled in, but her familiar things were there and he thought it was a good new house. Grandpa did call us from time to time and we saw him on occasion. But I guess as long as my son knew that Nanny was okay, he didn't worry too much about it.
The main thing with little kids is that you don't want to give them too much adult information. You know, TMI....Too Much Information.
You don't mention how close the relationship between your son and your step father is. That, I'm sure, might make a difference. I mean, if they were pretty close buddies, hopefully your mom won't mind if Grandpa stays in touch once in a while. I know that my mom had no problem with that.
Either way, I think the main thing is not to make too much fanfare about it. Little kids just want to know that people in their world are okay. And in your case, Grandpa is fine...he got to go on an airplane (or whatever) and go travelling around a bit. If your son asks why Grandma didn't go with him, you can tell the truth and say that she didn't want to go, and it's okay, because she wanted to stay and they are both happy that way.
This age is way too young to explain divorce or why sometimes people don't stay married or all of that. It just confuses children. Hopefully there won't be a "new" Grandpa to explain in the near future. LOL.
Like I said, bottom line is that little kids just want to know everyone is okay and their world is safe and nothing really has to change as far as it concerns who loves them and takes care of them.
For your "emotionally intense" son, the less you say is probably for the best.

Best of wishes and good luck to your Mom. My mom is doing great on her own and so proud of herself.

Hi :)
My husband's parents are divorced. My daughter's grandpa often leaves for long periods of time to live on tropical islands. He repairs after hurricanes. Right now he is in the Virgin Islands. We never know when he is going to return it just depends on the work. With the distance we do not get to go see him. The whole point of my prep story here is that while he is away we tell my four year old where he is.

I prepare her before he leaves. "Grandpa is going to St. John's". When she asks if we are going to go visit him. I explain to her the distance as "Grandpa is very far away." When she wants to see him I show her pictures of her playing with him that I have on my computer.

Make sure you get all his contact information; address, e-mail, cell #. My four year loves that we can sit down and text or e-mail Grandpa. She also loves to send him pictures both by cell phone and e-mail. Even if we don't get replies I still reach out via these type of communications whenever Becca asks me too. Also, sometimes she colors pictures for him that I help her drop in the mail. Even if it feels like a one way communication I still let Becca make the effort.

Hello E.. Sorry to hear about their decision to divorce. With all do respect It is there decision and explaining things is not your burden to carry. I do understand though your desire to protect your children.

I recently went through a divorce and sympathize with your situation. My daughter was 3 @ the time I bared the burden to tell her what was happening. I used barbie dolls and acted out a scene with them. Made it as simple as mommy and daddy are no longer friends so they will not be living together anymore, making clear she understood where she was going.

As someone stated in a previos response kids do not need to know about adult matters. They just don't understand nor do they care. My advice have grandma and grandpa sit down with him and your daughter to explain their decision to live apart cause grandpa wants to explore like dora:) and grandma wants to stay home. making it clear that they both love him and this decision has nothing to do with their grandchildren and they are very happy!! The person below is right kids just want to know that their immediate world will not change and everyones happy. They may ask questions later but hopefully they feel fulfilled with grandma around that grandpa will become just a memory. Best of luck to you and your family. God Bless

I think your kids are too young to understand divorce, and I don't know if that's a necessary detail, anyway. The main thing is that Grandpa is moving away. That's sad, but that's the only part you need to focus on. If they ask why, you can say he has to for some reason, and then explain in more detail in a few years.