How to Unspoil a Toddler

Good for you for recognising the situation for what it is! I do need to warn you that it will take determination (and probably time) to "undo" this behavior but, I BEG you as a former teacher to tackle it and stay with it!! Children who start school who are used to having their own way- and everything they want- are at such a disadvantage (to say nothing about what life will be like for them as adults!!) Other children often have trouble being friends with them and teachers have trouble handling them.

The most important factor is CONSISTANCY! Regardless of what they say or do (even temper tantrums) you must stay firm! Decide WITH HER before you enter the store whether or not you will buy her something. Unless there is some reason for a special treat (reward for some specific good behavior or...) the answer should always be no AND,once that has been stated, there must NOT be any giving in!

Stay firm- and loving- and you will do this chihld a huge favor! G.

Sometimes you just have to say "no... because I said so" and let her know that the tantrums do not bother you. Don't buy her things on a regular basis or bribing.

All this is easier said than done, but whenever I wonder how to handle a situation I look to an example. My cousin (5 years) still throws tantrums, doesn't do anything himself, and whines like crazy - that is becuase his mom is always giving in. She will say no, no no no no and finally get tired and give in with yes. So I tell my son that "no means no". A little spoiling is okay but not if it leads to that kind of behavior!

The best way is to stop taking her to the store. She sees this as her treat time and will continue to ask for things. You can get her something about once a month, then slow it down to every other month, until she gets the idea. She will start throwing a fit when you don't get her something, but don't let that deter you into getting something for her. That will just start something else like crying whenever she wants something. So don't start to get her anything to quiet her down if she cries. She will eventually learn that she doesn't get everything she wants when she wants it.

J.

J., I know it's hard not to buy our cute little darlings something whenever we are at a store. My daughter, our first child, was always gotten something by her Aunty or Grandma...and our house if full of toys. Even if we tell them not to, they still will buy my kids something.
My daughter got used to it. Its a 'habit' they learn, from us.

Okay so what now? Well, when my daughter was 2 yrs. old, we just started talking to her about it, laying out 'rules.' BEFORE we went to any store, we just explained to her that we are NOT buying anything... but she can look at put it on her 'wish list' for a special occasion. AND we differentiated between 'shopping' and "running errands" for necessities. Thus, she learned what 'going to the store' meant. Over time.

We also, began to teach her about money then. And over time, she learned that 'money' cannot buy everything.

Its all about exposure to a concept and our showing them how.

We also taught her about, how instead of buying something for 'herself', how about we buy something thoughtful for Grandma or Aunty, since "they are always so nice to you and care about you...." kind of concepts. My girl really got happy about 'buying' for other people, for special reasons.

Then, with our 2nd child, who is 2 now... we simply do not buy things for the kids, just because we are at a store. We look at what toy they show us with cute faces... and then we say "yah, that's nice... but we can't buy it now. You can hold it, but we have to put it away before we leave...maybe next time..." So my son, is SO much less into 'buying' things. To him, we just leave things at the store. That's all he knows. Once in awhile, we do buy things for the kids...but we always limit it to a certain dollar amount only.

When I was a kid... my parents had a once a month "toy day." AND, only if we had been doing our chores etc., then once a month we got to go to the toy store. But it was not an 'obligation' on my parents part.

Its all just building up a habit... that over time they will learn. Or you just say "no." Period. They may tantrum, but oh well. Just keep walking and distracting them. They WILL deflate on their own. Don't buy something just because of a tantrum. Me, I didn't care if it happened in a store. I just kept walking.

You just do not give in. Place limits on it. Or, if she is allowed to buy something.. then tell her she has to give away something too. That is what we do with my daughter too. But she is now 6 years old, so it's more age appropriate.
We also 'taught' her about what "window-shopping' is. So when we go to the mall, sometimes we will just say "we are going window shopping..." and she understands, completely.

Many ways to curb "shopping-itis."
All the best, you are not the only one, and I for one am not perfect about it. I just can't resist my kids sometimes... and I feel like a kid in a store too sometimes. But when I buy something, I talk to myself OUT-LOUD about it. ie: "Hmmm, I wonder if I should buy this? What do you think? Mommy doesn't REALLY need it, it's just cute. Hmmmm. Well, maybe I will put it back until I have more money. And besides, I already have a black t-shirt..." So, when they hear you talk about 'shopping' and EVALUATING your purchases... they learn from it. My girl now, will even give me "advice" about what or why I should or should NOT buy something. And I ask her 'opinion' on purpose... to practice her thinking process about 'shopping' or how to evaluate purchases, wisely. It's great for her and me. She has learned the 'thought process' about shopping.

Anyway, well good luck. Just change the 'habit.'
-Susan

Hi J.,

I just wanted to second a few ideas already mentioned...

1) Just say no...and be ready for the meltdown
2) Parenting with Love and Logic will give you great tools for handling the meltdown
3) Consider looking in to child psychologist John Rosemond for some additional no-nonsense approaches to parenting (I've used many of his techniques and philosophies with amazing success

Last but not least, for your sake and the sake of your daughter, PLEASE teach her that she is NOT entitled to everything she wants. I teach at the high school level and the students who think they deserve whatever they want because they are cute, pretty, a jock, brilliant, have rich parents, have parents who believe they walk on water, you name it, are the bane of any classroom...both for teachers and for students. They are universally disliked, except for the insecure sycophants who believe in cool by association. What's worse, these children are universally unhappy because they don't understand why they are so disliked. Food for thought...

Good luck!

2 of our oldest and still standing rules are:

1) You don't get what you want if you whine.
2) You don't get what you want if you throw a fit.

At six, I can pretty much just say "whining", and my son will IMMEDIATELY correct his tone of voice. The throwing a fit we have more problems with...but...you throw a fit, you don't get it. Whether it's a toy, candy, to leave, to stay...whatever it is, you don't get it.

A friend of ours says "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"...which works great for them...but we like direct causal relationships.

Nope...sorry honey...you threw a fit about the gum. It's not happening. Maybe next time.

We also don't let it bug us. IE, no negative reaction to either...just "not gonna happen". If a fit got thrown in the store when our son was little, and it was apparent it was going to go on for a while...I set my basket down, took him outside and sat by the door. We weren't going home, we weren't going to finish shopping, until he was done. Then, we'd go back inside and finish. No Matter What he didn't get what he threw a fit about. Next time, if he asked nicely, and DIDN'T throw a fit we MIGHT get it.

I'll tell you, a lot of people think we "spoil" our son, because we, too, get him a lot...especially when he asks for it...and even MORE frequently when HE pays for all of it (or half for big things). We mostly get him small things...like grapes or goggles or a lollipop. Things we'd be getting him anyway. But he has to behave and be thoughtful in order to get it...and in order to KEEP it. We do say "nope" a lot. But we buy him things, and he saves his money for things, and he gives his money away.

(He's already bought 1/2 of the cost of our puppy...has paid for 1/2 his phone...and is currently saving for a 1/2 a laptop. When he has half, we match it. It took him 2 years to save for our puppy...and is going to be slightly longer for the laptop because he gave 60 dollars away to a kids' summer lunch program. No matter what, it's still Mum's rules...even if "he" bought it. We do draw the line at flamethrowers and foghorns. ;) Mostly...he buys Eclipse sweet mint gum and strawberry frappuccinos from starbucks.)

It's ironic that it's those same people, who say "omigod how could you allow your son to get x" who ALSO comment on how polite he is...and how well he takes being told "no". Like it would be impossible that we could do both at the same time. Easy? No. 100%? HA!!!

______________Personal Story Time_________________

I'll never forget the time I was sitting outside the door of the grocery store (pretending not to be mortified, and just repeating to the sobbing thrashing 3 year old..."Sorry, honey, I love you...but you threw a fit. So you don't get it. We're going to wait until you've calmed down and then we're going to finish shopping. No we're not going home. No we're not going to the car. I know you're embarrassed love. Nothing to be embarrassed about. You're LEARNING. I know, honey, I'm sorry too, and I love you...but you threw a fit..." Over and over. (He kept calming down enough to either say he was embarrassed and wanted to go...or since he'd calmed down could he have "x" and when I said no, would start up again.

Sigh. This happened a couple of times, before he "got" it. And of course, still cropped up from time to time. What made it different that time was that, afterward in the store, I was seriously questioning my own actions (I felt like I was breaking his HEART...poor little love), and seriously considering getting him the "x" as a reward for calming down ...when a VERY old lady came up to me and patted me on the shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said "good job". And my SON stood up straight and puffed up his chest in that little toddler way, and smiled. He knew HE was doing a good job, too. Now.

Usually the childless would give me a glare, or at best I'd get a long suffering grin from another parent. But that was the only time anyone ever said anything to me. Perfect timing. I Seriously needed that. And I'll never forget it.

My personal mantra is, "I won't give in to terrorists" -- even if those terrorists are my kids. The rule in our house is also, "You will never get what we want by throwing a fit, or crying and whining for it." This takes a backbone of steel because kids don't mind noise or the commotion that they kick up as much as us adults do, but if you are really serious about not raising a spoiled child, "no" always has to mean "no", your children can't get everything they want when they want it, and some of the things that they receive have to be earned with their good behavior and, when they get older, chores.

Hope this suggestions help you with your little one.

Hi J.. With all these other great advice, I hope you won't mind reading one more from me.

One thing I learned about being a parent is to know which battles to pick. If she wanted a toy (or something else she can't have), my husband is good about distracting her. She may cry a bit so we take her out of that situation, meaning we go to another section of the store or give her one of her own snacks/toy and walk away. I don't think kids this age understand that they can't have everything they want. At this point they think what's theirs is theirs and what's yours is theirs; hence, they feel they "gotta have it." If I were you, I'll keep one m&ms in her bag every time we go to the store so when she asks for it I can show her she already has it and we don't need to buy it.

As for the un-spoiling part... My MIL watches my daughter when we're at work so she's spoiled at grandma's. There was a time I've asked my MIL not to give candy and sure enough when I came to get her she had chocolate smears around her mouth. So, at home we make sure she won't see anything that we don't want her to have - kinda like out of sight (or reach), out of mind. We try to be consistent about it. When my in-laws visit us, they notice how 'different' she is at home. I think kids are smart enough to know who will 'give in' especially when they use the tantrum tactic.

On a side note, I think it's great that your daughter says please; it's just good manners. In my experience, I get a better response whenever I say please :)

Hi J., First what you need to decide is your little girl just spoiled, or is she a spoiled brat? I believe there is a difference. My 3 were spoiled but not spoiled brats. For example, they new that when they went to the store with their dad, and didn't ask for anything he usually bought them something, Our kids didn't cry or throw tatrums cause they didn't get what they wanted or their way. Kids will try and manipulate with the please, and the more it works the more they use it, my advice to you is do a turn around, what you have been doing that spoiled her in the first place do the oppisite, not cold turkey but gradually. Hope this helps. J. L,

At the age of 2, diversion or avoidance is the best approach. A child that age, cognitively does not understand no like we do. Piaget and others in studying children extensively found that they are normally at that age entirely egocentric and therefore they want what they want without much ability to understand reason. For items that are health and safety oriented obviously they cannot be allowed have or do whatever it is they want to do. For other items such as throwing food on the floor it is better to just divert them or to avoid the situation. Tantrums are a sign of stress - so trying to avoid the triggers is a good approach. That being said, you don't want to set up the situation where you give in to everything at the slightest sign of a melt down. So for the candy issue, which is a health issue, I try to avoid bringing my little 2 yr old to the shops and when I do, I give her a box of pasta to rattle and then do what I call precision shopping ie go in quickly get and get out. I try to find the aisle that doesn't have the candy - not always possible and if we do find it and she grabs it, I try to see if she will forget about it before we check out. When all else fails, I take it from her and put it back and try to explain that it makes your teeth rot but I expect a meltdown and often get it. At 3 and beyond you can explain before you go somewhere what the expectation is but at 2 it is a little more challenging. Your child is not necessarily spoiled. She sounds like a developmentally normal 2 yr old with all the joys of that age :) Enjoy.

First of all, don't give in to her tantrum. This will only enforce that behavior. If you have to, take her out of the store until she calms down and if she doesn't, consider doing the shopping later. You're not alone. I've caved in before for the sake of getting the shopping done without a fit. And I payed for it later. It takes only one time to reinforce an undesirable behavior and fourteen days to correct it. Make sure your husband is gonna back you up with this so you don't confuse your daughter. If your want her to have less candy, explain that candy is not good for her and have an alternative ready in your purse. Be ready for some unfun shopping experiences and HOLD YOUR GROUND! Good Luck!

J., First, Good luck! Second, you have to be consistent with whatever measure you and your husband decide to take. For example, be sure you both are on the same page. Tell your daughter BEFORE you go to the store, she can't get any candy. Period. Remind her once you are there and then ultimatly when she asks and says please, tell her firmly NO! and if she pitches a fit I would remove her from the store, if possible or deal with it, if you have more shopping to do adn then reprimand her again when you get to the car. Consistency is the key.

Good Luck Again!
M. PS I am a mother of 4 (16, 13, 3.5 and 19 months)

Hi J.,

she wants so little, m&m minis, to me it's ok for her to have let's say 3 of them once a day
if she wants to buy them next time, tell her, oh we do still have some, we do not need to buy them, and because you are such a good girl, you can pick your three colors
my daughter thought m&ms are sooooo good for maybe 2 months too, now she does not care about them, her new must have are raisins

good luck

D.

This is a tough one, that so many of us deal with! Try telling her, before the next time that you go, that you will not buy candy, and STICK TO IT. Children respect us for following through, even though their initial response is a tantrum. The consistent follow through gives them security that they can trust us. Very young children have short attention spans, and limited ability for patience. With this in mind, you might want to practice with a very short shopping trip, saying, "We are going to the store to buy _____." Give her verbal and physical praise (thank you for not kicking, hugs/kisses) for acceptable behavior. As she extends her ability to wait, trips can get longer. At home, try giving her one "M&M Mini" for doing something that you want her to do. This can help with learning to "earn" things, helpful if/when you start asking her to do more things. Since candy as a reward might pose problems, try switching to a healthier edible reward (do it gradually). You also can tell her that the minis are all gone, and that you are not going to buy them (good practice for us, since we will always have to face this, and it gets harder as the things they want get bigger!) Good for you, that you are looking for positive choices for you and your child. Take care.

Hi J.-

You've already received great tips so I just wanted to add something small. When setting the limits for your daughter, use lots of empathy. She probably won't understand why the rules are changing now- why "please" doesn't work anymore, why you suddenly stopped giving her candy, etc. So even as you are telling her "no", also tell her that she probably feels frustrated and confused when mommy and daddy say no, and that's tough- none of us like it when we don't get what we want. Encourage her to express her frustration in words, not tantrums, but at this age I think tantrums are quite understandable because their emotions are so overwhelming and their frontal lobe hasn't fully developed to control their impulses. I'd give her lots of compassion as you go through the transition. Let her know it's okay to be angry, and she's allowed to express her emotions, but it won't make you change your mind. You can even explain that in the past you did give her lots of things but that things will change now, and you can explain why. She won't like it but I think it will convey respect and help her understand in her own time.

Good luck!

Explain to her before you leave what you expect from her and that she will not be getting any candy on this visit and that they should be no tantrums. You might still get one but NEVER give in you will train her to cry to get what ever she wants. I know it's hard but you are doing it to teach your daughter behaviors she will need for the rest of her life your job as a mother is not to make sure your heart doesn't ache for your child or that it is easy remember it is always what is best for the child and just say no and move on. Best of luck to you and your little one. If you do the work now you will reap the rewards later and today with hugs kisses and loves.

Hi J.,
We've all been through it! My input would be very similar to what Riley wrote. What I mainly did with my son was set rules about unacceptable behavior that would automatically take things off the table.
If you have a tantrum, then you automatically do not get whatever the tantrum was about.

If you ask for a treat while I am on the phone, the answer is automatically "no" and the item is out of commission for the entire day.

We also had rules about needing to speak calmly and politely (no whining, yelling, demanding, etc).

Also, I would tell him that if a particular item was such a problem, then we would just not buy it at all anymore.

It was amazing how well he understood the rules and was able to monitor his own behavior. There was even a time when he asked for something while I was on the phone, and then when I got off the phone, he handed it over to me, acknowledging that he had asked while I was on the phone, and that the item was an automatic no all day.

The rule about tantrums really made a huge difference. I started that when he was about 2.
Another that I used to do with him to help him pull out of tantrums, was to have him take 3 deep breaths with me. The breaths alone actually do help to calm, but then with each breath, I made a sillier face, and by the third breath, we would both be laughing. Worked like a charm.

Oh, and one more thing that I had rules about was things that became off limits on days with tantrums - treat type things. We would give things a rest for the day, but would start fresh again the next day. I manly used that for really big tantrums, and gave him plenty of warnings and choices for changing behavior.

Wait, there's one more thing coming to mind. I used to also give him the option to start over and choose a new attitude. Sometimes if things seemed like he was in too deep, I would call time out and suggest just starting over. I would tell him that I loved him very much, and ask him if it wouldn't be nicer to have a fun time together rather than tantrum time. At first, I might have been talking to the wall as far as I could tell, but then one day, I get this little voice asking me if he could start over, and that he wanted to choose a different attitude. It still brings tears to my eyes. He is now 6 and we still use that. Kids will have their moments and their upsets. We can't eliminate them, but gosh, if we can teach them that they can choose anew, wow.
Okay, I've talked enough. All the best to you and your family!
M.

this is funny! i never thought about it before, but thats what we did with our oldest as well. we spoiled him but then unspoiled him after he was a toddler.

the main thing is making sure you and your hubby are both on the same page and telling her the same thing. be consistent with your daughter and each other.

what we did with our son is we explained to him why we couldnt buy him a toy or a candy every time we went to the store. we liked to tell him that not every child gets treats, he is lucky to be able to get a treat once in a while. and so he can know that its not the end of the treats, we dont give him a treat out of the blue for no reason. if he does a good job helping mommy set the table or does an extra little job around the house, or if he gets all the stars on his chart. and you can make a chart for them to do that has a bunch of random stuff you want them to do, like go pee in the toilet or brush teeth or make the bed, and put a star or sticker on each subject after they did it and they feel that accomplishment and are proud of their reward.

so thats a good way to phase out constant treats and not give them up completely as well as getting her to do certain things that you've been trying to get her to do.

its always best to remember to use your (and your hubbys) best judgment with these things, every child is different. we mamasource moms can not tell you what you need to do with your child becuase we dont know her well enough. read the requests and use your mothers instinct.

We do not give in. The key in consistentcy. She can ask - ONCE. If the answer is no and she asks again, then the answer is still NO and the next time she wants something, as well. She will test the new limits, and you have to be prepared for the worst, but this worst is nothing to what you are going to have on your hands when she's 11.

Our kids know that when we give an answer it is well thought out and the answer stands. Sometimes (very infrequently) my 6 year old will ask twice and my 2nd answer is, "Do my answers ever change?" His response is, "No." He knows that the next step is a double whammy. Our 2 year old gets it as well.

Hi J.,
I know how difficult it is to say "no" to your darling toddler. They're just so cute. I guess my advice would be similar to a lot of the other moms. I'd prepare snacks and toys and have a talk before we go into the store explaining that she won't be able to get her m&m's and that crying and whining is not acceptable behavior. I think the biggest and most important thing is to be prepared to pick her up and leave as soon as the tantrum starts. You might not get any shopping done the first few times but she will understand that you are serious. Good luck.

well first of all, don't feel too bad, this happens to all of us in some way or another - our darn kids are just too cute! :) I would just make a pact with your husband that the next time she requests something you both say NO. Say it nicely to her, when my son was two I would tell him "we already have candy/toys/books at home, we don't need this one, let's go home together and look." Surprizingly this always got us out of the situation without a tantrum (and my kid was the king of tantrums!). IF she does go ahead and start to scream just tell her quietly and calmly that if she keeps screaming you are going to leave the store. Then leave the store. Maybe you could plan a trip just to show her the lesson so that you aren't tempted to stay and get the shopping done. Just walk out of the store with her kicking and screaming, put her in the car calmly and drive home. When she's done screaming say something like "Maybe we can try to go shopping again tomorrow, ok?" This shows her that you have faith in her ability to control herself and that she will get another chance to prove you right. Also, prep each shopping trip with what you expect of her, "we're going to buy milk and cereal, we are not going to buy candy today." I also let my son pick out his own cereal (within healthy guidelines) and then he can snack on it while we shop - keeps his mind off the candy. NOW, with all this in mind, I have been using these tactics for over two years now (my son is four) and he STILL asks for things every time we go shopping! He knows that candy is out of the question (as we pass the candy he says "we already have candy at home, right mom?" and by the time we're home he has forgotten about the candy), but he asks for random things like a cheese grater or tongs, or paper cups. He's just testing me to see when I'm going to crack! Just stick to your guns and make it clear what you're there for and what behavior you're not willing to accept. None of this requires belittling, or yelling, or losing your temper.. just calm clear expectations, she'll get it with a few practice runs! :)

This is probably going to be an unpopular answer, but why don't you just buy her some? Why the power struggle? She isn't asking for much... and you guys set the precedent by buying them for her every time you were at the store.

Do you or your husband have things you buy every time? How would you feel if your husband all of a sudden said that you couldn't have a special item that you like and buy every time? Your daughter doesn't understand the "why" behind it because she is so young - she is confused and frustrated, not spoiled.

read the book "parenting with love and logic" by Jim fay- it will help significantly if you follow it!!!

good luck

L.

J.,

Well when you say No, you need to stick with it regardless of the tantrum or the child's reaction; not to mention the amount of embarrassment you'll need to surpass.

Also, explain to the child that just b/c they say please doesn't mean that they will get what they want. Our 4 year old learned this and he understands it. He whines a little then says, okayyyyyyyyyyyy. But he also understands the good manner side of it. He has good manners and is polite by saying excuse me when people are talking. Patience is our next challenge.

Just be consistent and realize that you will be embarrassed every so often by the child.

Good luck.

C. B.

I would say that you have received lots of good advice already. I just want to add that if you don't try to correct the problem, your child may grow up to feel entitled to have things all the time or may see her belongings as being the way you show her love. I think you should focus more on being active with her, doing things with her...then she will remember that this is something my mom or my family did together with me, instead of "I have this expensive possession because they love me." Please read Dave Ramsey's books geared toward money matters for children. And just love your daughter, don't refer to her as "spoiled" or let anyone put a label on her.

Best of luck,
J.

Hi J.,

I think you are just going to have to bite the bullet here, unless you want a tantrum every time you go out. Just say no. She's two, so you can keep the explanation short--something like, "Candy is a special treat--only for sometimes. Maybe we can get some candy another day." Later when she is older you can add that candy costs money too, and perhaps you are not choosing to spend the family's money on candy that day. You can also talk about how candy is bad for her teeth and will make "owies" so we can't eat it all of the time.

Of course, she will throw a tantrum when you say no, but it will stop and she will eventually accept it as long as you stay firm. You just have to be a broken record.

My four year-old son knows that grocery stores (like Vons and Ralphs) will give kids a free cookie in the bakery. Sometimes I say no to that. I base my no around many things--his behavior that day, what he's already eaten in the last day or two, what we already have at home. Sometimes I just say no so that he doesn't expect it every time we are in the grocery store. Even if he complains he gets over it pretty quickly because he knows that there will be the possibility of a cookie at a future grocery store trip. He'll even say to me, "Okay mom, maybe another time."

It will work--you just can't be afraid of the tantrum. (Two year-olds have them. Most of us know this and feel for you when it's your kid's turn to have one. Those crotchedy other people?? Sheesh. They just don't remember what it's like or are too selfish and self-centered and anti-kid and therefore must give moms a hard time).

When my son acts up in public, I do my best to just repeat calmly, "I know you're mad because I said you can't have a ____. I'm sorry but we can't always have a ____. Maybe another time." I think that most people sympathize when they hear and see that you are making a sincere attempt to curtail your kid's negative behavior. For those that don't, you can't control that, so don't worry about it.

Happy Shopping!
:-) D.
P.S. I agree with those moms who said you have to be prepared to leave a store during a really bad tantrum. I've done that. It's hard on us moms but I think it has to be done sometimes. I've also had time-outs in the middle of stores before--I've taken my son out of the cart and plunked him on the floor and ignored him until he calmed down. That worked. Also--when my son asked for a toy on occasion, I would let him play with it in the store for a few minutes (when he was two) and then he would forget about it and I'd put it back. Now that he's older, I just tell him, "That's a neat toy. You can tell Santa Claus/the Easter Bunny about it" or "Perhaps for your birthday." That works too.

not sure if this will help since we have done this since first was little. when we go into a store we allow him to select a toy to play with while we are in the store than before we leave we put the toy back so another child can play with it when they go to the store.

the turm the terrible 2s is no lie .just because she asks doesnt meenshe had toget you smail and say maybe nezt time give her a hug and a kiss the take he by her hand and continue toshop for what else you need she wount like it but eventialy learn mother of 4 adulte and 7 grandchildren just teach her and love her you willdoo

Well, the obvious answer is to suck it up and refuse to ever buy her anything impulsively at a store ever again. this will result in massive tantrums. Another solution is to get the book "the Bearnstain Bears Get the Gimmies". This book explains how the little bears had this same situation and what they did to resolve it was to discuss what they would get ahead of the shopping trip and mom and cubs would agree that it was a suitable "gimme". There was no asking, no whining, etc. It was just added to the shopping list. That means you still have to get her something, though. But I guess you could run ALL of your errands in one day, and then she only gets one treat for the week! Good luck!

It's hard not to spoil your baby. You want to give them everything. I too have a two year old, and to make our matters worse, she has two doting sisters (8 & 11) who will do anything for her. She has learned that if I say no, she goes to her big sisters. I am reading Dr. Dobsons "Parenting isn't for cowards". If we din't get a hold of the situation now, it's only going to get worse. Just keep saying No. When you go shopping, try for a while going with your husband, so when the No doesnot work and the fits are being thrown, one of you can tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and is she continues, she will have to wait outside untill it stops. WOrked for my oldest. I have other issues with my youngest. It's very hard to be consistent, Good luck to you
K. E

J. B

It is easy to spoil a toddler, it is also much harder (as you have found out) to unspoil a toddler. When going to the store, stop buying your daughter anything until she discontinues her tantrums, although these tantrums are embarrassing your daughter needs to learn she cannot have everything she wants when she wants it. When she behaves herself, allow her to pay for her own treat, then she will learn at an early age that it takes money to buy these treats. Since she is (from what you have stated)your only daughter, allow her to learn the meaning of a treat. The treat must be earned, this can be taught while she is young. This will also benefit her in the future, she will be more responsible as she grows and associates the action of paying for something as an earned privilege. The treat is not something that is continual and with no other reason than because she wants it. Good Luck.

I too would encourage you to get/read any of Jim Fay's Love and Logic books. If you go the website you can get books on cd(great to mom's on the go) as well as plenty of other support in the area you need.
I learned about love and logic in my Montessori preschool teacher training and can say without a doubt that it transformed all of my relationships for the better whether they were in class or at home with my own family.
I've been telling families about it for over 10 years now!
Best of luck... she's only 2, you've got plenty to time to reverse any bad habits you've fallen into.

I would advise you to STOP the spoiling now for her sake if not for yours. Perhaps once or maybe twice a week she could have the treat - let her choose the day. Or you could say today or tomorrow and let her choose one, an REMIND HER OF HER CHOICE. Be prepared for "stormy weather" However, the "storms" now will be a lot less that the ones that she encounters as she grows older.

Good luck

S. H

You are in charge and you need to plan trips that you know are practice for her to hear no.
You can tell her before you go to the store very quietly and firmly that you will not be buying treats. As soon as she starts unpleasant behavior, you immediately leave the store. Expect tantrums, and tears, and don't escalate your emotions, just remain calm. Take her out, or to the car and tell her when she is calm you can return to the store. If she doesn't calm down, go home. hat's why you have to do practice runs, when you really don;t HAVE to shop. Once she realize you will not give in her behavior will change. Any rewards should be things that do not include food, like reading to her, playing with her, feeding ducks or birds, going to the park. Usually when we overindulge children we are trying to make up for something. Do you spend enough one on one uninterrupted time with her? By the way, a child that age really should not be eating sugar. It can cause many problems, not limited to tooth decay. Good luck. Be loving and sympathetic but stay strong. The thing that cause he most problems in children in not enough boundries. I'm sure you're a great Mom.

Yes! It is easy to spoil they. Either tell her No! right off & prepare for the fit in the store. Or make sure you are ready to leave then tell her No! & let her see you put them back. Children seam to think that please & sorry are supposed to get them their way. If she also is using please at home. Then make sure she know that please only works for some things like getting a drink & something more to eat. But that please after you have told her No. Doesn't mean that she is going to get it even though you told her no before. Explain that only once in a while will she get a treat at the store, & not every time.

Let her have her tantrums, and ignore them. I have been blessed with a little girl (23 months) who hardly EVER has temper tantrums. BUT when she does have them. I completely ignore her. I just think she knows that she gets absolutely nothing when she acts that way. I have always been consistent with those rules. This is why I feel she hardly has them.
You can try to reason with her. Tell her "we can't buy anything this trip, we can play with all of your other toys when we get home"
It might just work.
But, definitely ignore the tantrums and she will soon learn that she won't get want she wants acting that way. When the tantrums eventually stop, you can reward her with positive reinforcement however you chose.
Good luck!

Hi, J.,

I set a limit on how much sugar (desserts, candy, and soda) my kids can eat. I tell them that each person in the family gets to choose ONE treat once a week from the supermarket. (My husband and I generally don't buy unhealthy items.) After my elder son, who is now 2 1/2, chooses about half a dozen items, I tell him he can take only ONE item from the store. This way he gets something and he has some choice, but not everything in sight.

I know one mother who lets her son choose ONE color chip in a basket of chips at parties. This seems to help him place limits on his consumption without completely denying him snacks.

Good luck,
Lynne E

I would highly recommend that you listen (online) to this week's Focus on the Family radio broadcasts for Wed, Thurs and Fri. @ http://listen.family.org/daily. It's WONDERFUL advice! (I'm a grandma w/4 grown kids and LOVE parenting!)

Thanks for asking the question. i have 3 year old twin girls. Very polite until they dont get what they want.
They give daddy "pretty eyes" that work every time.
Sadfully since there are two of them and one of me most of the time. THEY WIN. They are very independent and strong willed. If I say no to one thing, it might be okay because they find somthing else. It is a battle but my two are not stepping foot in a store till they behave.

HI J.,
You've received alot of really good advice so I cant really add much but I have a two year old girl. She used to tantrum at the store too. Not over candy but over any little thing perhaps a banana, not wanting the cashier to take 'mommy's food'. As I explained to her the expected behavior and role of the grocery store she has made the grocery store a great experience.

TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION- How to Unspoil. When I have allowed my girl to develop an undesirable trait usually when I decide to untrain it I just tell her the new rule.

For instance, I used to let her hoot and holler and yell at the store. Just for fun. As she got older and her voice got older, one day in the store I just told her plain and simple, "we cant yell in the store anymore, we can only yell in the car, at the park and in the house" And that was probably 7 months ago and I've only had to remind her once.

That is the technique I use with other bad traits that I allowed her to develop. I tell her the new rule and I tell her why we have the rule.
Good luck

Yep you did it!!!!!!!!!!!!! i did the exact same thing when i had my 1st child i was so blessed to have him i spoiled him. anytime we went somewhere he was allowed to get something then it got to the point by 2yrs we would go into a store to shop and he thought he could put what ever he wanted in that basket,he was shopping to. of course this had to be broke. when i started saying no he would act out or throw fits do you know how many times i had to leave a store with out my things and i recall on two occasions walking out of a store giving him a spanken and was commended on my effort by perfect strangers that witness our ordeal. he is now 10 yrs old and still ask but the fits are gone when told no. you better nip it now best of luck

well, I have 13 kids and my youngest is 21 months old and he is so spoiled. his dad let's him have what he wants at the store. when I take him I don't. he is more spoiled than my 23 year old ever was. I wish i had the answer to that one.

Say to her sweetie to much candies like the M&M's is not good for you, besides candy rots your teeth. Offer her a fruit and let her know that fruits is better for her and much healthier or even the fruit bars.

Hey there,

What a good question and good for you for recognizing the situation. Parenting classes may be a good idea because they will help empower you and you can share your concerns w/ other parents. If you haven't learned how now to give in, its tough to switch to another way of doing things. Best of luck to you and your family!

Jen

We have a rule in our house when at any store: If you ask for something, you will not get it. Period. I started it with them when they were little and it usually works pretty well. My older son tried frantically pointing at things he wanted instead of asking so we had to include that in our rule. If you can make it work, it ends up being more fun for you because you don't have the tantrums and you get to offer something to her. Every few times we go to the store and it is good, i ask would you like to pick out .... a piece of candy/a special snack/ whatever. It makes giving more fun for you when ut is your idea, not hers. Good luck!

Hi Momie: I had this problem with out son, but it started later at about 4 years old. So, his school psychologist told me to create a reward box at home. I was to purchase small items, cool pencils, little toys he likes, those gumball machines that have little toys instead of candy, and put them in a box, and when it's time to reward good behavior, he would get to pick one item. I know it sounds tedious, but it conquers the compulsive habit of "getting" that isn't healthy for later in life. Your daughter is young, it's hard to have patience, we would always say, maybe you'll get the suprise at (Holiday) time! Then we'd distract them with a different thought, or sing a little song or finger play quietly, and take the child away from the check out area a.s.a.p. by the other parent. You can show love a different way.

James Dobson has some great books on how to discipline children with love. Just google him and you can usually get them at the library. If you have a library card, you can go on line and request them if they are not available at your local library and they will notify you when they come in. Sometimes they tell you there is a $.50 fee but, I have never been charged. Good luck. I have raised two children. They are now 21 and 25. My friends constantly ask us how we did such a great job raising them to be considerate, articulate adults. Believe me, it wasn't easy and we had our moments. Just don't give up. My 25 year old daughter just graduated from Law School and my 21 year son is a Junior Mechanical Engineering student with honors. I am very proud of them but, like I said there were moments when I wondered if we would get through the stages - especially with girls because her daddy liked to spoil her and they get hormonal around age 12 - 13. I had a friend that had a daughter and a son. Her daughter came home from college one day and asked her mother why she liked her brother better (she really didn't like him better) and my friend responded "Terri, if you had two dogs and one bit you and other licked you, which would you like better." lol I thought that was perfect. I swore that would never happen to me and my daughter but, there were a few years where she tested me. I didn't always win but, she has made me proud.

It's funny because I read this after my morning trip to the store for my lunches for work, and I had just talked myself out of unnecessary treats...

I have to agree with the Mommy's who suggested communication...when my son and I go shopping (grocery store, Target or the Mall) I explain to him where we're going and what we're going there for and if he is going to get something I tell him either he can pick our a special treat OR we need to you clothes, socks or whatever it is he needs. My son gets treats from Grandpa when he comes home from work two days a week, and that's fine with me as long as it's explained that he can only eat them after dinner.

Rules and guidelines are important. IF my son sees something he wants he'll ask me if it's okay first, and if I say not today, he doesn't freak out about it. His tantrums at stores have decreased now that he understands more about what the purpose is for our trips and knows in advance what he will be there for and if he will get something.

When she tantrums take her out of the store and when she's calm explain to her that you love her company at the store and that today you were at the store for XYZ, but you have to go home now because she couldn't behave properly (of course only after you've told her why you're shopping and that she can't get something today). Over time, she'll get it and will be able to be your shopping buddy and she won't ALWAYS be looking for those mini M&M's (my son loves those too).

Just be consistent and be patient, but be firm and be honest with her about the difference between needs and wants. We need food, even though we WANT candy we can't always have it.

Good Luck!!

just say no! Mine just know by the look on my face and tone of my voice. If not, then just use the age on the item. Oh sorry honey, this say 3 and up your to young. Worked with mine till they figured it out!!!

Mine are a 13 years old boy and 8 year old boy/girl twins.

First off, she's not spoiled, she's just being two, and two year olds want everything! So she is very normal. I always tell my kids "before" we go in the store that we "are" or "are not" going to buy somthing. That way they know ahead of time. Then you have to follow through with what you said, so they learn to take you seriously. I have to say at two years old it is a bit tougher than when they get a little older. Just follow through and each time you go will get easier for her. Eventually she'll get used to not getting somthing every time she's in a store! Also praise her for the times she doesn't have tantrums - give her a little treat at home, etc.

I don't suggest leaving the store just because she's having a tantrum. She will learn that all she has to do is make a fuss and you will take her out. You'll never get your shopping done!!

Good luck!