How Would You Feel About This? a Little Bit of a Vent....

Just let it go....and give them alittle opportunity to have a nice family vacation. When it all comes down to it....why in the world would you want her to split the profits with you...just how much do you think she is gonna make off of used clothes? Actually....I hope she makes tons!

I think when you give a gift, you give it with no strings attached.

I would never expect clothing back that I've passed along. The recipients are free to do what they wish.

Did you specify that you wanted it back?

(And I have had the exact same experience that you're having!)

You gave it to her.
Rich or poor or whatever she is, you gave it to her.
She can do as she wants.

When I give clothes away, I never expect it back.
I often tell the person, just pass it on and give it to someone else who needs it etc.
If I wanted it back for whatever reason, then I don't give it away in the first place.

I think it is the cost of it that can be made from it... that is the problem here. In hindsight you saw the profit from it.

You gave SIL the clothing to begin with, because as you said, they don't have a lot of money.
Now she is selling the clothes. Fine. And she is doing it because they would like to go on a family trip. Fine.
So... to me... the clothing is STILL helping them out. But in a different way. It is for a family trip.

It wouldn't bother me a bit. When I give things away, I GIVE them away. What the recipients do with them is their business. I'm just happy to have more space in my house and know that something didn't go to a landfill.

A family vacation is hardly a vice...it's not as if she'd doing it to buy some crack or lottery tickets or go to the casino. Really, let this go. It's not your business.

Once I pass clothing down, I have no expectations and I no longer consider it "my" clothing.

I have passed a lot of Abercrombie, Hollister, nice cocktail dresses, etc to my sister in law because they can't afford to purchase these clothes for my niece. They truly appreciate them and it's my way to help them somewhat.

Once it is out if my house, it's not my business.

I have given a ton of clothes away over the years and never, never, never have I given it another thought once they left my house. My neighbor is a recipient of most of my clothes. They have garage sales and I never even thought about going to get the clothes I gave her.

So, I don't get where you are coming from at all. Your post has some contradictions such as: "So, my brother and sister-in-law don't have a lot of money" vs. "I am not in dire need of money"- if that's the case then what is the problem? OR, "I didn't ask for anything back and never really expected it." vs. "It's the principle of the whole thing that bothers me." - what principle are you talking about? You gave them away w/ no expectations!

If you gave it to her, it is hers do with as she wants.If you told her you wanted it back, then she should give it back.

I was taught that when you give a gift it then belongs to the receiver. You no longer have any claim over it and what they choose to do with it is their business. Case closed.

"So, my brother and sister-in-law don't have a lot of money."

You gave them to her, therefore they are hers now to do what she wants with. If you are not in dire need for money, and they are, why do you care?

If your kids are older than hers, and cannot fit into the clothes anymore, why would you need to pick through it?

Unless you told her you wanted specific items back, you have zero claim to the clothing or the profits. When we GIVE something to someone, it becomes theirs to do with as they please. I'm not trying to be rude, but geez, don't sweat the small stuff.

Sorry. You gave the clothes to her as a gift. She can do what she likes with them. It is what it is, but you CAN change what you will do in the future: clothes to SIL or sell 'em yourself? ...enjoy your vacation!

If you gave it away then it isn't yours anymore :(
A lesson learned I guess. Next time, if it's really good stuff then don't give it away, SELL it!!!

I have given a lot of clothes away! I have 4 kids, all girls, so when they all grow out of them we have a LOT left!!

Okay, I thought about this and I would not be ONE BIT upset if I found the people did this with the clothes. In fact, I'm always uncomfortable when they act like they owe me something because I gave them clothes (I think, to myself, "Heck, WE don't need them! Why not give them away!?").

I also worked for a couple years in a children's boutique. Um, we had some special, pricey kids clothing. I bought when it was majorly on sale:) Deux par Deux, Zaza Couture, Zutano, One Kid, and Kushies to name a few brands. THOSE SELL VERY WELL!

But, I chose to give them away. AND, I would not have one ounce of annoyance, displeasure, anger, or anything negative if I found that the clothes I gave away were eventually sold. When you give something away, you give something away.

I'd actually be happy for them that they were able to get more out of those clothes.

...and heck, this is coming from someone who could use any little bit of extra money!!! Interesting, huh?

Did you ask her permission anytime you sold/gave/regifted/donated anything she's given you?

I would think my SIL is very resourceful and would be glad if some of my no longer needed clothing would go towards helping them take a family vacation they may otherwise not afford to take.

I would also consider if I had the time and energy to have one of my own for the next set of outgrown clothes and items. It can be fun, but it also hours and hours of work.

If you knew what you were giving away was worth a lot of money, you could have chosen to sell it yourself, but once you give something away you're choosing to let go of any rights to profit from it.

Something to think about the with the next set of clothes you no longer need, anyway.

You gave her the clothes without any expectation of getting them back. It sounds like they were a gift. I think you should be happy for her that she is continuing to be blessed by them. Perhaps she should split the profits with you, but she may just not even be thinking that way. It may be that she has all these clothes and needs to earn money, so she's selling them. At least they weren't thrown away! You have doubly blessed her. Be content in that knowledge. Please, don't begrudge her of this. What a great gift you've given her.

You gave this family clothes to help your niece. Think of this sale as helping your niece have a nice vacation. You added to her life.

I don't know if "crazy" is the right word, but you gave them to her to do as she sees fit.
When I was prego with my daughter some good friends of ours gave us a whole crib, changing table, and armour(sp) set. It's about $1500 and they just gave it to us! LOVE THEM! I told them I would give it back when we were done using it since they could probably sell it or use it if they were able to have another child and she said...ummm...we are giving it to you! Sell it when you are done.
Okay.
People have given me lots of clothes for my daughter and I have consigned them or given them to other people when I have been done. I never thought to myself that I should ask the "giver" if she would be okay with me consigning *my* clothes.
I see you are going to let it go...good choice mama.
L.

Hi K.,
I feel like if you gave them to her then in return if she gave them to someone else then so be it. Technically she can do what she wants with them though. Personally, yes it would irritate me. I had a similar situation with my mother in law. My husbands family if from Mexico and my husband always wanted us to box up our out grown clothes and send them down there. Sure! That's great to be able to help his family that is less fortunate. Umm yeah! The whole time im doing this (over 3 yrs) I got to her house to help with the annual spring break garage sale. Imagine my seriously irritated self when she was pulling out all the damn clothes I had packed up to send to Mexico! Not only did they not send them she put them in her own damn garage sale and keeping the money! It still makes me mad and now I list them on craigslist! I understand completely!

That is great that they are trying to be thrifty in order for them to get enough cash together to take a family vacation. I wonder how many times they have done that seeing as they are hard up for cash?

Sounds to me that you should be happy they are able to scrape up enough cash to have a great family memory and try to escape the financial stress for a bit to enjoy life.

Don't sweat this, it's family. You should feel good you have been able to help them not once, but twice. If you are really perturbed about this, then don't give them anymore hand me downs and strictly do consignment from this point on. What ever you choose, don't let this effect your relationship with them.
Take care.

I can definitely sense your frustration. I'm kind of torn on the situation. A friend of mine gave me a TON of stuff - clothes, bouncy seat, swing and tons of other gear. Seriously, tons of stuff. I offered many times to pay her for it or return it when I was done, and she always refused. A couple of times I treated her (and her 4 kids) to meals, but still not even close to the amount she gave to me in clothes & gear.

Anyway, I'm now ready to start getting rid of a lot of it. I actually have loaned a lot of it out to friends, but always got it back from them, since I wasn't totally sure we were done having kids. But there is some stuff that no one wanted and I don't even want if i have more. So, I have been thinking about selling it.

I worry a little that my friend would be offended if I tried to offer her the proceeds from the sales. I would probably still offer it though. If not, I think I would end up donating it to a local kid or family-oriented charity. I just feel weird keeping the money for myself and profiting off of something that wasn't mine to begin with.

Bottom line: if you gave the clothes away without expectation of having them returned or getting paid for them, as much as it sucks, you should probably just let it go. I can totally understand why you're upset and I agree that it's wrong of her to sell it purely for her own benefit.

I agree that it is kind of rude. In the future, why don't you take the best clothes to the consignment shop and give the rest to her. You want to be helpful and kind but not a doormat.You have to look out for your kids first . Hang in there =0)

A cousin-in-law had a baby one month after mine and asked me flat out for all my extras. I assumed it was because she was poor and no one liked her. I gave her everything I didn't need and she sold it for pennies on the dollar, brand new stuff. I was ticked. I could have gotten 20 times what she did or regifted it.

From then on I only gave something away if I didn't care what happened to it. I never "lend" anything to anyone because most people, even wealthy ones, won't replace it if it breaks.

Well, I'm on the other side of the situation. Our family isn't poor, but we make a lot less than my sister's family. She lives across the country (and at one point, overseas). She has a daughter who is 5, and my two girls are 2.5 and 7 months, so she has sent us TONS of clothes, shoes, baby/kid stuff.

I do plan on selling/giving away the clothes when my girls grow out of them. In fact, I've already sold some stuff. And while I did NOT offer to split the money from it, I did use some of the money to buy presents for her kids. We're not splitting hairs over it. When one family visits the other, each side is fairly generous as far as hosting/gifting (well, as generous as we can afford). We figure it all evens out eventually. :)

I understand where you are coming from. It would kind of annoy me as well. But you have to think positive! Always! They may have gotten as much use out of them as they could. And now your niece will be able to have a fun vacation and you are kind of helping with that :-) I would let it go, theres no use in stressing about it or wasting time being angry

I went through something similar some time ago. I finally just had to laugh at myself.

If I've given someone a gift... it's theirs to do with as they please. Including giving it away, selling it, using it for something completely different than it's intended purchase, etc.

Otherwise I haven't given it to them, I'm letting them borrow it AND maintaining creative control over it.

I would be mad IF IT WERE A LOAN. If someone is selling my stuff, I'd be ticked. If someone is selling their own stuff? Why would I be mad about that?

Once I give my clothes away (to cousins, the goodwill or whatever) it's gone. It's theirs to do whatever they like with it. That's just me though- the reason I give it it away is because I don't want to deal with it. I would never go to the trouble of tagging and selling a bunch of used clothes. not worth it to me... it's used, just "gift" it to someone who is in need.

I do think you're a little crazy about thinking she should split the money with you and being upset over "the principle"... but we all have our own little crazy things so I don't judge! ha ha :)

i see where your coming from. you give these clothes that will be needed for their child yet they are selling them so they can take a vacation. your hurt over it.
yet you gave them away. maybe instead of giving them all the clothes start consigning them instead (atleast the pricier ones).

I mean, we get to have feelings and we're not crazy for having feelings. Feelings are not rational.

I don't think we get to make destructive choices or maintain damaging thought processes using our feelings as justification. And, I don't see holding onto feelings as being productive very often.

But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.

I have no idea how I would feel given the situation. I feel all SORTS of things almost all the time. I have big feelings. So maybe I'd feel totally irate.

Here are my thoughts:
Giving someone something makes it no longer mine. What they do with the gift is up to them. Give it away, sell it, keep it, sew it, love it, hate it - it's not mine anymore. Gifts should not be, in my mind, conditional.

When I loan something to someone, I understand that wear and tear will occur. If I'm not good with that, I shouldn't be loaning it out. In other words, it may return worn/stained/torn/lost and if that's going to eat my lunch, I can choose not to loan it.

That's how I think about it. Doesn't mean I don't have big feelings moments though.

Yeah, you have to make it clear with people if those clothes are being loaned or given. Also, a lot of those clothes are 8 years old... she probably isn't going to make a killing off of them.

When I give away clothes, I keep my favorites or sell the best pieces, then I give the rest away so there will never be any hard feelings.

(I would have felt a little like you though...)

I think your not being fair to the sister in law. if you gave them to her and didn't ask her to give them back why are you upset that she is selling them to make a little bit of extra money when she is done with them. you have already said they don't have a lot of money. maybe after selling them she is going to be able to buy her daughter something new for the vacation. your not really under the impression that some clothing that you passed on after it went through your 2 girls is going to fund a vacation are you? I don't agree she should split the money with you for these items. however in the future if you want the money for the clothing then you should have your own sale.

You gave them to her....now just let it go. Don't bring it up, don't expect any money, don't hold a grudge.

My thought on people selling things that other people need is that it's selfish. Those clothes were given to her because she NEEDED them, doesn't she think someone else might NEED them? I go to my younger sister every time I am getting rid of clothes and every time she finds a friend of hers who NEEDS clothes for their kids. I am MORE than happy to give them away, even though we could use the extra cash as well.

I just don't get selling things when other people need them - if you don't need the money to put food on the table or something. Then I totally get it. We've sold things when we had to have the money for bills or to feed the family...

But...I would not expect any money from her at all. I would think if you wanted money from them you could have sold them yourself...but once you give them to her, they are hers.

Not at all. I would from now on only give them a few outfits and consign the rest. If anything is said just say with this economy I need to conserve my pennies. So I am consigning most of her clothes so I can afford to buy more.

I am a reciever of a lot of "given" clothes but I have never been able to sell them...not comfortable with the idea...I have "given" or donated everything I have recieved. Most of my friends are like "just sell it" but I personally can not.

I'd be bummed that she is doing it...

It is hard I know. I remember driving up to my SIL's yard sale and seeing a lot of my stuff tagged and selling. They don't have any money either and have poor spending habits. I told myself to let it go. I will say that after baby #3, I got a lot of clothes from a lot of different people. So many that I had no idea what came from whom and I couldn't have figured out who to give the clothes back to if I wanted to. I bagged them up and they are heading to the next pregnant person that I know.

I can see why you might be annoyed but once you give it away it is no longer your decision. Now you know and might make different choice on what to do with outgrown things.

It is incredibly rude of her! I would simply call her and say---I recognize the clothes that we gave you and am a bit suprised you are selling them! Don't you think it would be appropriate to ask me if I wanted them back before you went to sell them? See what she says...she may have no idea how this looks to others. Then wait to see if she offers you the money. If she doesn't...ask her! Good luck!

M

Yes, I would be mad. Bottom line, you don't sell something that was given to you. If you do, you give the person who gave the clothes to you the money. I have inherited a lot of clothes from good friends and would never sell them. I offer to give them back and hold until they decide whether they want them back or not. I mark everything coming in with a blue laundry-proof marker dot to make sure I can sort through the clothes and give everything back. Even if they said to sell them, the proceeds would be theirs because they bought them clothes in the first place! I am not usually one to confront but in this case I would make it clear to them that you sacrificed to give them the clothes vs selling them and you want them back when they are done. Good luck.

If I was in your situation, I would be okay with her selling the stuff but I would be a bit bothered that she didn't bother to tell me first or ask if I wanted to go in on it with her. You're right, it's the principle of the whole thing and just about being courteous. These days, I find that less and less people care about being courteous and think more about themselves. Just let it go.

I think your feelings are natural, and that it's unethical of her to profit from your gift to her. It shows a lack of integrity. Feel that way, vent here, and then try to move past it.

Hi, K.:
I understand how you may feel that what you gave her
had no value to her to be having a yard sale.

You learned something about your brother's wife:
1) She is not as pitiful as you may have thought.
2) You can decide the next time what you are willing to
give her that makes no difference what she does with it.
3) Live your life and enjoy your children.
4) Find friends that value your friendship and your compassionate
heart.
5) You can't choose your family but you sure can choose your friends.

All the best.
D.

No, you're not crazy! I do agree with the below comments tho. I would never expect clothing back after giving it away. I doubt you would really get alot of money off of clothes that have been worn that much anyway. Try not to let it bother you too much!

Like you, I would feel a bit miffed. And like you, I would let it go and be done with it. Not everyone operates with our same set of manners...oh well...

I'd be a bit angry and resentful also with her blase behavior - I'd be resentful enough to NOT give her anymore EUC (Excellent Used Condition) clothing.

I would just let it go.
From now on, since you have an opportunity to make so much on consignment, put the clothes in a consignment shop and get the money for yourself.

It's just my opinion, but you gave her the clothes. You didn't ask for anything back.
I don't see how you can feel she owes you half the money she may make.
What if she ends up donating what isn't sold to charity?
Will you want a receipt for half to write off on your taxes?
I don't mean to sound terse, but if you've given something away, especially expecting nothing in return, especially knowing the clothes wouldn't fit your niece forever, especially knowing your brother's family doesn't have a lot of money, I don't see why you'd want half.

That is just my opinion and I mean no offense.

people who are attached to their give-aways should just not ever give them away. i cannot for the life of me imagine why anyone would spend one iota of time fretting over clothes they were finished with and had gifted to someone else.
if you wanted to retain ownership rights over the clothes it was your job to be very clear about that with her at the beginning.
they live HOURS away. you don't even have a child who needs them any more. and yet she was supposed to check with you before slapping that .25 cent tag on a 10 year old twice-used t-shirt?
it boggles my mind.
khairete
S.

Do you want or need them back?
Why is this bugging you?

Clothes worn by 3kids that are 8-10 years old?
I'm not sure they'd fetch much money at all, but good luck to her garage sales are a ton of work!

Honestly, you have to let it go. If she feels like she has the wiggle room money wise to do this, (like...she will have enough money to buy the kids new clothing in the future to replace these) then thats her business. If she ends up selling these clothes, goes on vacation and then ends up with nothing for the kids thats HER fault and hopefully she will learn from her mistakes. Has her daughter outgrown these clothes? If not she'd better be careful. I can see how you could feel hurt if they never got used and she is selling them to go on vacation. Lame. But hey, you gave them to her, and thats her business. If they truly are strapped for money, I feel sorry for her acting so silly.

She probably doesnt realize her lack of class in this matter.... basically from just plain ol' ignorance. You might communicate in a sarcastic way just to make the light bulb go on in her head "Wow, let me know how much my hand-me-downs fetch, I'd love to know".... and leave it at that.

i think it might occur to me to be a bit disappointed that i am missing out on that cash, BUT - i'd let it go as you are planning to. you did a good thing. it actually makes a lot of sense, what she's doing...better than letting them get ruined and throwing them out, right? you said yourself that they don't have a lot of money, so she is being mature and resourceful. very responsible. just think of it as another way you've helped them out. and you didn't even have to do anything in addition to giving them the clothes to begin with.

id probably be a little annoyed too but definatley wouldnt say anything about it its not worth it