I have a very complicated history w/ my family....real father is deceased, 1st step-father was an abusive drunk, 2nd step-dad I actually really love. My mom....whew! i could write a series of novels lol. She is what I would think is possibly bi-polar, a narcisisst..granted i am no doctor. Just a few theories. I try to make the best of our relationship although I keep my gaurd up and I am no fool. I know that she is DRAMATIC, irresponsible, clingy and somewhat of a user (money etc) But a few years back, after being exhausted arguing w/ her and being angry and disqusted I threw in the towel and realized this leopard will NEVER change her spots. Again, it would take me DAYS to fully explain her. But I am aware of it, and I deal. On the up note, she IS a good grandmother to my kids. She makes efforts to visit them, she comes over when we invite her to dinner, or parties etc. She enjoys watching them from time to time, and if I really NEED help she will offer. I do have a hard time once in awhile still w/ alot of her behaviors but I am fully acceptant of the person she is. My siblings, are kind of the same story. I don't have strong bond w/ them but I do try. But I also no longer allow them to use me, or hurt me for that matter. So if i don't want to deal w/ them I don't.
My in-laws...well that's where I struggle. I have posted a few times about my struggles with them, and I have come to accept that they just are not who I thought they were, that they tend to also be users and i shouldn't let it bother me. My problem is I have a hard time even answering the phone when they call. Because 9 out of 10 times it's ONLY because they need something. And that includes my MIL. Anymore when I see her name on my caller ID, I cannot make myself answer the phone....I know it's terrible, but I just get instantly irriitated. I hate biting my tongue listening to the phony sentiment she blurts out before asking for whatever favor it is she needs. I'd prefer she just call my husband so he can handle it, but she doesn't. It's always me. Now my mom NEVER calls and bugs my husband lol So I feel like why am I getting it from both sides?
My mil will call my husband if I don't answer, and he always asks "Why didn't you answer the phone?" Part of me wants to say "Because I think YOU should have to deal with it"but I know that sounds terribly nasty. But honestly, there's been so many hurt feelings on my end that I am afraid to talk to her or my SIL because they might sense my feeling, or I might say something snarky.... How should I handle it when they do call? I know this sounds childish, but I have really been at my limit with them lately so it's close to boiling over.......HELP!!! LOL Please no attacks here. There is a laundry list of things that have happened over the last few years, and I honestly have been trying.
I forgot to mention that my huband usually treats "mommy" like a child. It's actually nauseating sometimes lol while he fully will admit that she uses guilt to manipulate, it seems only HE can say that. Never me, so I feel like i have to be careful as to what I say to him.... In one breath he'll point out the issues we have w/ her but then turn around and place her on a pedestal....
His family so he should answer their calls. I really believe that.
You were on the potty, in the shower, getting the mail, changing the baby, etc...
I think I'd answer my husbands question of "why didn't you answer your phone?" with something along the lines of "I no longer feel I can remain diplomatic when speaking with your mother, under these circumstances, and in the interest of maintaining the relationship the two of you have, I feel it is best for you to be in charge of communication for the time being."
Telling your husband that you want him to deal with his mother is not nasty. It's a reasonable boundary. Talk with him about how you feel and how you'd like his help at a time when his mother hasn't called him. It's good that you recognize your limit. It's good that you don't answer the phone and it's reasonable that you ask your husband to step in.
After your SWH When you talk with him use I statements. Talk about how you feel without describing your MIL. "I need for you to be the one talking with your mother because I am having difficult" sort of statement. "I feel xxxxxxxx. I would really appreciate it for you to be the one who talks with her." You're asking him to help you without criticizing his mother.
One day when things are not crazy say "Honey, I want to talk about our family. You know how I created boundaries with my mom and siblings because of how they are and I don't ask you to deal with them for me. I would really appreciate it if you would be the one to primarily deal with your mom. I know she calls you as soon as I don't answer and I really hate answering the phone to her. It's probably because of my experience w/ my family but I just can't do it anymore." Another option would be to tell MIL a time of day that is least intrusive for you (maybe when you know hubby will be home and can say "honey can you get that").
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Trusts me, It's the same with husbands, he can complain all he wants about YOU, when he's with his buddies on the golf course or at the bowling alley, but just let ONE guy chime in and say something like, "Yeah man, your wife is a real piece of work"!, and most husbands most will come their wife's defense.
It's pretty universal, one can dis their kinfolks all day long, but don't let an outsider go too far. It boils down to the "blood is thicker then water" saying.
Sometimes you just have to love your family members from a distance. I no longer attend family events where I KNOW I will be made to feel uncomfortable by some word or deed.
I love my mother, she is 82 and did not raise me, (her mother did and has been gone for 12 years). In her attempt to take on the mother roll, she wants to know EVERYTHING and I mean everything I do, where I go, people I see and what time I'm coming home. Therefore, I too, screen my calls....my mother will say, "I REALLY need to talk to you", well most of the time she "REALLY" doesn't, it's just a control thing. So if I don't want to have a conversation, I send her a long email letting her know what I've been doing, as far as what I WANT her to know.
I have told her sometimes her calls feel more like an interrogation instead of a conversation. She just laughs and says, "if I have a question or a comment, I'm going to make it".
So, I find when I back away from family members who can be judgemental, hurtful and sometimes just mean....when they do get back in touch, they tend to be a little nicer.
Blessings....
I would just not answer when you MIL calls if you know she'll call your husband. You are right he needs to be the one to deal with her. She probably does it cause she knows she can get you to give in easier if she's that much of a manipulater. The only time my MIL calls my phone is if it's one of the boys birthdays and she's usually already call my husband and he's told her to call me to get them. Granted I love my MIL but she calls him. It would be different if ya'll were close.
Good luck and God Bless!
I would start answering the phone and just telling them NO to whatever they ask you. When she calls your husband, does HE say no? If so, just tell hubby that she calls and only asks favors and its getting old. So you are going to start saying NO to her, just so he knows. I think you need to be honest with hinm instead of thinking you're just being nasty. He is your partner in life and you need to tell him whats going on so you BOTH can come up with a plan to resolve it. Tell him "if I ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy"...then wink at him and he'll help you out real quick. =) Good luck!
I am sorry you are dealing with so much family drama. It is definitely no fun.
First of all, I think you need to talk to your husband about his side of the family. If they are causing problems, he should have to lay down the law with them.
In the meantime, get your head in a happy place about all this. Decide that you are NOT going to let MIL play your heart strings when she calls wanting something. Simply say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks. Sorry, I can't help you," and change the subject. If she persists, then tell her you have to go. Also, don't feel like you have to answer every time she calls. I am sooooo over people expecting you to answer the phone anytime they call. Perhaps you were driving, in the shower, on the pot, alseep, enjoying peace and quiet, etc. I only feel obligated to return calls to those who leave a message. If no message, I may not call you back--especially if I don't want to. If it were important, you would have left me a message.
Exercise your power over how you allow others to make you feel, and get your husband on your team!!
Good luck to you!
I'm not going to address all of your issues because honestly I have no clue how to, but I will state what I do. I'm not fond of my MIL and I distance myself as much as possible and only go around her when necessary because she is toxic to me. I'm not a fan of most of my biological family and I distance myself from them completely other than occasional minimal contact online on Facebook.
When I have to be around those who I do not care for I am cordial but I do not go out of my way to talk to them, but I am not rude or disrespectful to them. If I am at there home I bite my tongue even if things are going against what I would do/how I would behave because it is their home. However, when they are at my home, which sadly has to happen at least once every year or two, I let them know that no they are not welcome but if they insist on being here they must treat me and my home with respect.
I hope you're able to figure things out for the benefit of yourself and your family as whole. Best of luck
I have a niece that I hate and a sister that I dislike. I have decided now that our parents are deceased to not take their calls or return texts unless they are of dire concern. I even put that on my cell voice mail--"please let me know why I need to return a call--otherwise my work schedule is very busy at this time." They live in another state so ignoring then is a somewhat easy task.
i feel ya im the same way for some reason my mother inlaw always calls me before she calls my husband. my husband says its normally b/c i know what the answer is more than him which is true but still esh! my fil texts me instead of my husband and most of the time its bc hes trying to get info out of me so annoying. i have gotten to the point to where i dont answer and she will leave a message then i will call her back if i feel like it or just text her later. hope this helps. and my hubby treats his mother like a child too its sick...
When he asks why you didn't answer the phone, tell him you were busy with _____. That's easy enough. The fact that HE doesn't want to be the one to deal with them is very telling to me. He has probably told them in the past to direct their requests/issues/needs to you because you're "the one that handles things in the house" and he's "the one who's busy at work/doing man stuff."
I know certain people who will call and make nice but inevitably are calling because they want something. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. If I answer, I do so bracing myself to be able to say "No, I can't" if I really can't or don't want to but I also brace myself to say "Yes" if it's a reasonable request. I file away the times I agree to their requests so that when I need something, I can remind them if I have to that I did them a favor that needs to be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not one to keep score, but there are two or three people in my life that are like this. The rest are normal people who ask for normal things and will reciprocate or offer to do nice things without my having to ask because they're not selfish people. :-)
