Husband Always Stressed Out When We Take Kids Out

Nope, you can't change him. But you can expect him to do something he doesn't like every once in a while, just for you. Tell him what you'd like, well in advance. Tell him you know he'd prefer to stay home, but twice a month you'd like to go somewhere as a family. He loves you, he'll do it.
When you're out be understanding that he's uncomfortable, don't expect him to have a great time, but be grateful that he's there for you.

Mine is exactly the same. Gives me the shits. It's like he can't possibly sacrifice a bit of time with a good grace to do something the whole family can enjoy.

Men's brains... unlike a Mom's... has a hard time, thinking about MULTIPLE things at one time (ie: the kids and minding them)... hence they short-circuit. And get stressed.
Hence he likes to stay home, with them all... because it is a more contained... chaos. Versus, outside, he can't control, all factors.
To him, being out with them ALL, at the same time... is probably like trying to catch a bunch of loose marbles... in a sloping road.

But at least, your Husband is home... not out with the boys at bars or just not coming home and making excuses about not coming home.

Probably at home, he is just a homebody, too?
So maybe AT home... he can do activities with the kids? Teach them things, play games, do yard work or gardening etc. My Husband, would teach my kids how to build things, how to paint boards, how to dig with a shovel, how to take out the garbage, just playing in the sprinklers, playing tag in the yard, playing hide and go seek etc.

HAVE your Husband, DO THINGS WITH THE KIDS AT HOME.
THEN... YOU GO OUT. And have a break.
(wink).
That way, you get some time off. And he gets to stay home... with them.
Since he prefers, that.

Or, once a month, plan something out as a family. That way, your Husband gets a head's up... and knows AHEAD of time, and maybe that way he can mentally prepare, for it. Instead of just getting something/some idea dropped in his lap, suddenly.

take the kids & have fun....it's your win & your husband's loss.

On the other hand, if he was a homebody prior to kids.....then really you don't have a leg to stand on! Quit trying to change him...embrace him for "who" he is & allow the family to be happy.

I do agree, tho', that he needs to be doing projects & activities with the kids on the wkends....think about his skills & what he can do/teach the kids!

Wishing you Peace on the homefront!

C.,
I am wondering if your husband works outside the home and you stay at home during the week. If so, that may be why you want out and he wants in. I know that if I have had a week where we have been in the car on the go all week, the last thing I want to do on the weekend is go out. Conversely, if I have been home all week, I need to get out! It really may be as simple as that. Of course, if you are both out at work all week, that blows my theory. :) Does he have a long commute? Is he with a lot of people all week? He might just need a break from the noise and people, other than his own people at home. Perhaps you can make of list of things you'd like to do with the kids long term: parks, libraries, museums, etc. Then, before the weekend arrives, ask him if he would be willing to go to one of the places as a family. Let him pick from a list of things you are interested in (and let him contribute to the list if he is interested), and go. Not everyweekend, but maybe 1-2 times a month. It does get easier as they get older.

I can't imagine there is any pleasure to be derived from going out with a three and a half year old and twin one year olds. Especially at night when they are tired and cranky.

If I were you I would just wait until the kids are older and there are more things to do and a bigger window of opportunity.

Wow, I went back and read some of your other questions. You really haven't a clue what it is like to work do you. Your in laws are selfish because they won't be on your beck and call on the weekends because they only work all week. Your husband is selfish, have you considered that everyone else is doing the best they can and you are the selfish one?

Sounds like a perfect opportunity for you to start to have one-on-one time with your kids, leave the others at home with your husband where he feels more secure about taking care of them. Or you take 2 of them and leave him home to have that time with the other one.

You said it yourself - " Prior to having kids my husband wanted to stay at home too." You can't change him. If there is something he likes to do or seems less stressed out doing as a family, just focus on doing that - maybe do something "out" as a family a few times a year - Easter, Christmas, Halloween, etc. Expecting him to be different than he was before is just going to disappoint you and annoy him.

Do things at home with all of you as a family, or use that time for him to have daddy time and you to have you time, or split the kids up so they each have special mommy time/daddy time.

Do fun things with your kids during the week when he's at work. Then stay home with him and hang out on the weekends. Watch movies, play games, hang out and have fun. Be light hearted and cheerful and maybe he'll change his mind. =) Good luck!

I think it might be that he's a homebody in general and prefers at-home family time.

I would tell him that you acknowledge that he is a homebody, BUT you and the kids want to go out. Have some weekend days when you stay in or stay in most of the day and some where you go out, with or without him. When the adventure is important (say a kid wants to do something on his birthday) then talk to your DH about how he should go for the child and try to enjoy the outing for the day.

You should also say that this complaining and attitude about outings is hurting your relationship with him, so you'd like to resolve this for multiple reasons.

You cannot change him. He has to want to change and I suggest that change is unlikely because his basic personality is one that prefers to stay home. It sounds like he hasn't changed. He's always been a home body.

I suggest that the best chance you have for some change is to back off and don't nag him. Be understanding of how he feels. I think S.H. is right. He's unable to manage several things at once and feels out of control outside his home space with 3 small children. I suggest that empathy and patience may enable him to relax some but he'll never be the outgoing, adventurous man you want him to be. Hopefully you love him enough for other attributes that this won't be a deal breaker.

I agree with S.H. about having him do things with the kids at home. This may help him realize he does have sufficient control to manage them away from home.

Then plan, ahead of time, to do something together. Talk about it. Include him in the plans. Present this as a compromise. Be sure the activity is simple and low in stimulation. Perhaps a walk in the park with the older child playing on the playground. Be patient as you coach him through it. Be careful to treat him as an equal.

As E.S. suggested, this seems like a perfect opportunity for you to be able to out with or without the kids. Find a woman with a home body husband or no husband at all if you want adult company to go with you. I've spent many fun hours with girl friends and their children.

When we are able to admit that we can't change someone else to meet our needs we can be successful finding other ways to meet them.

I think it's fairly typical for men to be more stressed about taking babies / kids out. They feel so helpless and embarrassed when the kids aren't "under control" and would just rather not.

(I don't think this is just a guy thing...I've had times where I felt this way, too, but I think as moms we have a bit more patience...)

If your husband works all week and you are home, I can understand him not being "up" for the hoopla that going out requires. I would approach this gently at first: "honey, I know it can be crazy when we go out with the kids, but I really enjoy the time we have as a family (plus it gets easier with practice!). Is there anything in particular that we can do to make it less stressful? Keeping the kids cooped up really isn't an option, so let's see if we can make this work."

If things don't really change, maybe you can take that time with one of the kids at a time and have a "date" while daddy holds down the fort and has his own "quality time" w/the others....

Good luck!

Its not a dad issue, its just the person he is. My husband and I take our 3.5 year old and one year old out all the time. I l take them out shopping and to lunch by myself to get out of the house. My BIL and SIL also have two little ones and they have only been to a restaurant with their two year old (and a well behaved one at that) once. They have stopped going to church, and they just took her to her first theme park ever a few weeks ago (ours has been to various theme parks 10 times). My sil can't even handle the grocery shopping and makes her husband do it. They are both high stress, regimented, and inflexible. Bottom line, they are miserable outside of their schedule, known quantities, and comfort zone. the thought of their life makes me depressed and the thought of our life makes them stress out. I hope you can both figure out why the other one needs it the way they need it and compromise. I feel sorry for you. We are having the time of our lives with our little family and from our vantage point, our BIL and his wife seem to be waiting to live. I have another SIL and her husband was not so much a stress case as a giant stick in he mud. she did things with her kids without him, including family vacations. I hope your husband is not this bad. I'd be pulling my hair out too. And FYI, my husband is a home body too, but he loves having fun with his kids so we do stuff for their sake! I think you should allow your husband to read your question and responses.

Our son was 2 1/2 when our twins were born and my husband was the same way about taking the kids out. It was worse if we paid for something because if we had to leave early, he would go on and on about what a waste of money it was. Oh, the complaining!!!!

Plan things that are easy where anything goes like a picnic at a nearby park. Take a kite or a plastic bat and ball for your son and husband. Bubbles for the twins. A place with a nature walk is easy and fun for kids. Don't make it too long. A couple hours. If it goes well, show your appreciation. I always tell my husband thank you for going along and go on and on about how much it means to the kids to have him spend time with them. I would continue to take them places by yourself and would plan things as a family once in a while. Now that ours are older, my husband will actually suggest things we can do. Huge improvement!!
Don't give up! If MY husband can get better about this, there is definitely hope for yours! :)

The only place my husband ever wants to go with our kids is out to eat. No trips to downtown Chicago, no zoo outings, no mall outings, no museums, walks, parks--just meals where the kids are sitting down. What do I do to cope with it? I take them out anyways. If he wants to see his kids, he will get off his duff and join us. If not, he can stay home and catch up on some sleep, but I expect him to play with them intensely when we return home.

If he works all week, he may be feeling that the weekends are his only "down time" as well as his only time to see the kids for more than a very short time at bedtime, etc. That may be the root of his hating to be out and about on the weekends; it's possible that he sees doing outside activities with the kids as cutting into his time to be at home, to be with them, to recuperate from the week at work.

However, and it's a BIG however, that does not mean he should whine, complain and be a drag when he DOES agree to do family outings. Maybe you both need to sit down without the kids around, at a time when you and he are both calm and happy with each other, and talk about this: Does he realize at all that you see his behavior on outings as being a drag and a complainer? He might not; he might sincerely believe think he's doing OK just to be there and he might think he's being supportive when to you, he isn't. If you can calmly discuss this, and not make him feel as if you're attacking him (which will possibly make him defensive and he might start in with "At least I agree to go! What do you want?!" etc.), then maybe you can compromise.

Look at yourself too: Are you wanting to be go, go, go both days of the weekend? Will one day of the weekend do? Are you into big, busy, noisy and active family festivals and events, when he might be more OK going with the kids to a park or mini-golfing just as a family instead? Can you compromise, say, on your taking the kids to the big festival alone or with friends, while both of you take them to the park (or he does, alone) the next day?

Are you the one picking and/or arranging most of these outings? Maybe he should have more input, or even be the one taking the lead. Show him the newspaper listings for family-friendly events and places and let him choose. Or is he complaining that the outings are OK but take too much time? You find one that's shorter next time. Is he upset that there were outings two days in a row? Tell him you know that, and next weekend you can hold it to one day -- and would he be willing to be positive on that one day? Etc.

What's the root of his issue? Does he just not get into doing kids' activities and so he's bored? Some adults just cannot ever embrace participating in family activities; those parents are the ones who usually are more active with their kids once the kids are older and the kids share some of the same interests and activities the parent likes already. It's not a great situation for the other parent, or for the kids, frankly, but it's just the way some adults are; they are not used to being childlike and never do get used to it, but that doesn't mean they are bad parents. However -- yeah, another however -- he should make the effort at least sometimes, so that the kids SEE dad enjoying THEIR enjoyment in things. That's a point you may want to make with him: Children need to see their parents enjoying the children's enjoyment; it makes the children feel their parents think their (children's) feelings and choices are interesting and important. Even if the parent is frankly bored at that moment.

Also, you mention almost in passing that "Prior to having kids my husband wanted to stay at home too." Would it be correct that prior to having kids, you were the more outgoing, active, adventurous half of your marriage? If so, you knew what he was like as a person; having children has not changed that. You say you "don't know if I can change him on this." You probably can't change his fundamental self but you can possibly talk with him (and maybe have some of his dad friends who are more active with their kids talk with him) about why he should compromise and maybe do at least half the outings with you and suck up any boredom and enjoy watching the kids having fun even if he would rather be at home. And while you're asking him to compromise and lighten up and choose some activities with the kids that suit him better, be sure that you too offer to compromise and do more at home together at times too.

A lot of men are homebodies & don't care about socializing. They also figure, "I work all week, and all I want to do is be at home with my family." For them, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as the family is together.

I think women feel obligated to always be taking their kids out for new adventures & experiences, and therefore, like to do family time outside of the house, especially if they are a SAHM. Women are also way more social than men, in general.

A happy medium can be reached in which you both are satisfied. What about one family outing every other weekend?

Are you a SAHM? If you are, then you're used to dealing with the kids out & about all week, however, your DH is not, and it probably IS stressful for him. That age range of children is not easy, and it's a pain to just pack everything & prepare for the outing, let alone go on the outing & deal with all the possible issues that will come up.

I don't really think this is that big of a deal in the scheme of things, honestly. I mean, really, I'd think it would be a lot easier & less stressful for EVERYONE, if you just stayed home. In any event, talk to him to see what kind of agreement you can come up with.

Too bad we don't live closer. I'd join you on your escapades. My hubby is the same way too. Since I'm antsy in the morning and he's not, I just take my 18-month-old out without him. We got to fairs, festivals and the beach. Then we return home for her nap and go out as a family in the afternoon.

Don't sit around the house waiting for him to change. Don't bring him along because your children will only remember the grousing and crabbing when they get older.

You and the kids go and have fun. Maybe he'll start to realize what he's missing. But sadly, with folks like this, they usually don't figure it out until it's too late. That is why it's important for at least one of you to do something about it and get the kids out and about while they're young and when it matters. The time to bond with the kids is short. Your investment in them will bring rewards.

You won't have this opportunity when they're older. Now is the time. Don't let it pass waiting for hubby to figure it out. Just be careful not create a wedge between the kids and dad over this. Never complain about it or argue about it in front of them. If they ask why he doesn't come or when he does, why he's crabby let him do the explaining and stay out of it. That will keep things neutural for you and give hubby a window to change his mind if should and not be the bad guy.

Well, if your hubby was a real home body before, the kids are probably going to make going out to him that much less appealing, unfortunately. But I agree that it is important to get them out and about, especially places like the zoo and the park where they can get some fresh air and exercise. I've also found that the earlier they get used to going out places and having reasonable expectations as to behavior, the easier to gets to take them out later because they are already used to it and know how to behave themselves. From the sounds of it I doubt he will feel differently as the kids get older, so you need to have a talk with him and try to get him to at least be willing to go out without complaints - if you can convince him how important it is to you and how the kids will benefit, then maybe he will consider coming around.

My husband is also a major homebody and a major complainer. It actually brought me to tears the other night because I can't stand his constant bitching and he literally huffs and puffs about EVERYTHING. I swear, the universe is just a major inconvenience for my husband. I love the man to death but it's getting really old really quick. Your kids are only little once, and it sucks to think that all he's going to remember about their childhood is how much he couldn't wait for it to be over. He absolutely loves our kids and is a wonderful dad, but I feel like my husband spends all day on the weekends (and the 3 hours he sees them on the weeknights) counting down til they go to bed. It sounds like your husband is a lot like mine: they really just need/want their own personal down time, all the time. I try to let my husband have a chunk of alone time on Saturdays, I'll take the kids out and do something fun by myself for 4 or 5 hours. Then on sunday we do a family outing. Consequently, I never get any "me" time but I will one day. Good luck with everything--i can relate, and i know how hard it is :(

a) If you knew how he was and didn't like that, why did you get married and have kids with him?
b) Is it serious, like he WON'T go out, ever? or is it possible he'll compromise?
c) Find mom friends who also like to go out and go out and so stuff, sometimes with all the kids, like trips to the zoo and so forth and sometimes just with women and no kids. Like to a salon or shopping or anywhere you like!

No my husband isn't like this one bit. He is an avid mountain biker as his own personal hobby, and as a family we have always done a ton of stuff with the kids. I have 3 kids a 5 month old, 4 yo and 5 yo. I take the 3 of them by myself all over the place, since my hubby is working full time and studying for his CPA exam on his off hours. And we also go lots of places as a family.

My advice would be work out a compromise. And make him chill out if you are going to go out. No point in going if he's going to make everyone nuts...

You don't need to change him. You just need to pick up your kids and go where you want to go. Invite him, let him decline the invitation, and then go on your merry little way.

My husband does the same thing. He would stay home all day everyday if I didn't insist we go places. And when he does agree to go, like you said, it is usually miserable because he complains and just is in a bad mood which makes the whole outing not fun. It is hard to now want him to go so we can do things as a family. But on the other hand, it seems like it isn't worth it to make him go if he is going to make it a bad expereince for everyone. Unfortunately he will probably never change in that aspect. You just have to go and do those things by yourself as a few others have mentioned. Although it is not fun to leave him behind, it is also not fun for him to ruin the experience.

You can't change him, and will only frustrate and anger both yourself and him. You knew this before you had kids, so let it go. Do your whole family a favor and let your husband rest and recuperate on the weekends at home. Perhaps ask him if he will go out with the family once a month; but if not, let him stay home and you go out with the kids. It sounds like you are a stay-at-home mom, so maybe you can do some stuff during the week while he's at work. Either way, you can get together with a friend (whose husband also hates going out on weekends) and then you and the kids can go out while your husband stays home.