Husband Forced to Be Stay at Home Dad and Not Making a Passing Grade :(

I would wait for the responses and let him see it then have a sit down talk with him. He needs to get it together. He needs to either take care of the finances or the kids and he does not seem to be doing either. Good luck!!

J.,

What a difficult situation for your family to be in. I'm sure that there are more than a few women experiencing what you are going through right about now.

Your husband may be depressed and overwhelmed. It sounds like he left a job that wasn't working out for him (in some way, or he wouldn't have left), transitioned to a new job that disappeared, and now is at home taking care of the kids. This is probably a task he'd never envisioned himself taking on.

Many women who have vital career lives and have developed a self-perception of themselves in that capacity become very bored and depressed to find themselves at home. We love our kids, but for many adults, spending the day with our children doesn't provide the intellectual/social stimulation we need to feel satisfied with our days. Women are admittedly much better at social networking and finding support amongst peer moms, but dads have a harder time of it.

Add to this the wrinkle that he's probably feeling like he's not measuring up in your eyes. That can really hurt and feel defeating. Plus, he knows you'd rather be home, and I'm sure he feels like he's disappointed you.

One concrete thing I would do is set up a chart, like we caregivers for young children keep at daycare. You know, a log that records what the child ate and how much and when. Same for diapers, baths, etc. And then just ask him to fill it out. When you get home, take a look at it and get your information from it, not from verbally asking him questions. The same for phone calls from work--just ask him how *his* day is going. This becomes a call where you are connecting with him instead of correcting his parenting. Literally, I wouldn't even ask him how the kids are doing.

When you do find things that you think should be addressed (maybe the kids need a little more to eat), try approaching it from a coparenting perspective. "Do you think we could fit another feeding in right here, at three o'clock?" or "How do you feel about giving them a bath every other day?" This acknowledges that he does do the bulk of the parenting for now and deserves to have a say in his day, instead of taking directions from the All-Knowing Mom. (I write this with a smile on my face...please know that I'm not criticizing you, but trying to see this from a male perspective!:))

I had to take a big step back with my husband and let him figure out his own way. I've had years of experience with kids, and am writing a book on parenting...however, I can't expect him to parent like me. He's found his own stride, listens to my suggestions--some of them, he's implemented; others disappear into the ether and I wonder whether he's even heard me. But I have to keep my mouth shut and remember that he's doing his best. I truly hope that you and your husband come to a place of feeling equally respected in this parenting venture. It's a tough goal to strive for, but worth the effort in the long run.

I think that your husband is depressed. I've dealt with depression all of my life and do find it difficult to do much of anything. what has helped me tremendously are anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications. When I'm not depressed I once more can function.

He may also be ill. If he's anemic he won't have any energy either.

my first suggestion is for him to have a complete physical and talk with the doctor about the possibility of depression.

I would look for a support group for stay at home dads. I think I've heard of some.

He could also take the 3 youngest ones to an open gym. This would get him out of the house and has the possibility of getting him started thinking of other ways to live.

A good resource is a large pamplet that you can find for free in stores. It's actually more like a short magazine. It's the size of most magazines and is called Parent Resources.

I also suggest counseling. If he won't go, you go and get help in learning how to handle this situation. Recently I heard of a couple where she started and 6 weeks later he joined her.

How helpful are your older kids? Would they co-operate with a chore plan? Have a family meeting and brainstorm what could be done and what is important to each person. Narrow the list to just a few to start with and have each person choose their chore(s). Be sure to list what you and Dad are already doing. If it's age appropriate let your kids choose something that you're doing and you choose something else.

A 14 yo could certainly do the laundry. Probably even the 10 yo. Make a plan. Have natural consequences. If they haven't gotten the laundry done they won't have clean clothes. Do not rescue them.

You make a short list of the things that you expect to be done by the time you get home. Again ask each person to choose what they will do to make your homecoming more pleasant. Praise them often. Provide a treat from time to time. Such as a trip to Baskin and Robbins for an ice cream cone.

Build some fun into family time. When families play together they also co-operate with chores better.

Talk with your husband about nap time. The two of you decide when the babies will have their naps. And decide after what time they will have to be up or kept up. This will help with the bed time eventually. You may have some cranky babies at first. This may give Dad the incentive to get them down earlier.

Does your husband have a hobbie or interest outside the family? If not, encourage him to get started taking care of himself. Encourage him to get out of the house for a few hours every week. Is your 14 year old responsible enough to watch the 3 yo or the nearly 1 yo'?
If so Dad could take one or two of the babies and get out of the house.

I wonder how it would work if you spent a few weeks supporting your husband encouraging him to take care of himself. Brainstorm with him when he's ready to do so to find activites he'd like to do or try. Focus on hubby instead of kids and chores. Work at not nagging anyone. Plan one night/week during which you and your husband have time alone together.

Doing any of this will take lots of patience and lots of time. I've heard that if we've had a habit for 1 year it will take 2 years to break it. I don't believe it has to take that long but I do know that it takes persistence, time, and energy which you may not feel that you have right now. Choose one thing to do and work on that for awhile; then add others as you feel stronger.

If this were my situation I would focus on my husband, building his ego up, working on helping him get out of the rut and take care of himself. I would also insist on a physical exam and the possibility that an anti-depressant would help.

We are in a similar situation. I have a 3 yr old daughter and an 8 month old son who we recently had to pull out of daycare and my husband is now at home with them. Fortunately, we have the benefit of the kids being used to the daycare schedule and my husband sees the importance of maintaining that schedule as close as possible to minimize the huge adjustment that will happen when they have to go back to daycare. (We fully intend for that to happen.) However, he doesn't do things the way I would it's taking a lot of adjustment on my part to let him find his path. I pick my battles and only say something if there is something that I'm really concerned about. I agree with the others that are encouraging you to set things up ahead of time and take an active role in the off-hours...I'm listening to that advice too. The biggest reason I'm responding though is to extend the offer to hook up our husbands. I don't know where you live, but we're in Aloha and I know that my husband would love the opportunity to get out of the house and relate to another adult in the same situation. Or maybe we meet other mom's on this post that are in your neighborhood or mine and we can conspire to create a dad's group!!! Regardless, keep working on him, your kids and your family are worth it.

If your husband is not interested in changing, then I'd recommend putting them in daycare and asking him to take whatever job (fast food) he can get to cover the childcare expenses. If he is interested in changing, then the best solution would probably be to sit down with him and make out a daily schedule for the kids. This will help him remember when each kid need to be fed and napped, etc. You can also make out a list of lunch ideas so he knows what he can choose from. He may have no idea that a sandwich should be combined with a soup or fruit, etc. Also include a list of appropriate snacks. Explain that snacks can only be eaten when the schedule says snack time. In the schedule you can include such things as outside time, learning time, tv time, etc so he doesn't sit around in front of the TV all day. He may just not have any ideas and may just be bored. Also include fun outing places, walking trails, parks and such. You may even find other stay at home dads in the area by looking for a dad group so he can get the kids together and hang out with other dads and see how they do it.

I am in the same boat your husband is, but I am the mom. I didnt expect to stay at home this long and sometimes it is hard to know that I have to be the one to be totally responsible for my ONE child and the house. I am a bit depressed and am taking medication, but it doesnt alleviate all of the anxiety surrounded by the responsibilities since this was not the original plan. My partner works full time and will be going back to school for an MBA which I fully support. I have a child that up until a few months ago was very clingy and would barely give me a chance to go to the bathroom for a few seconds let alone get anything done around the house.

I cant imagine having to take care of three little ones under the age of 3 and doing what I do each day. I have friends who are doing it, but arent doing much more than your husband is each day. Please try another tactic with your husband. Please try to notice all the things he does well. Say thank you for cooking dinner and doing the dishes. That sometimes is all I get done in a day. Also, give him a break about nap time. It is hard to be with the kids all day long and when you can get a minute during the day, you take it. yes, it messes up bedtime, but sometimes that is too far down the road to think about.

Okay, I am identifying with your husband a bit. But I do feel valued and loved and supportive by my partner. She knows that I am not a schedule person and that I would not do things the way she would. That is okay. However, I understand your concerns too. The kids need to be fed and washed and dressed. How about scheduling activities outside of the house that will force him to get them dressed and be more on a schedule, like gymboree or story time at the library. How about if you help by making some meals ahead of time and having them in the fridge to just grab (mac and cheese, sandwhiches, cut up fruits, vegies and dip) something your husband doesnt have to think about.
I know you have alot to do too, but if you want to make sure it is happening, you may have to take a more active role. How about spending an hour on the weekend and having the whole family help with cleaning the house and then you will know it got clean to your liking at least once during the week. It sucks to have to do it all, but sometimes that is what is needed.

I am sensitive to your families plight. It is hard when plans change and you are doing things you did not want to do. I am sure you are a bit resentful and depressed that you dont get to stay home and do all the things you wanted to do with your new family. Your husband probably never thought he would be staying at home with this responsibility. Some people just dont have the inate sense of what kids need, especially when it changes from day to day. Have you tried talking to your husband about how you are both feeling. A counselor may be in order. It took 4 tries to find the right one for both of us and it is finally really helping our relationship.

Hang in there with your husband. Make sure you let him know how much you do appreciate all that he is doing and do what you need to to make sure your kids are getting what they need. I feel for you. I know the stress stinks especially since you are working a full time job and the transition to home is not easy. I wish you a speedy resolution so that all in your home feel happy and content.

Good luck

Hi J.,

Sorry to hear about this! I also had to work while my husband stayed at home with our baby, but that was just one. But even with just one he was as *bad* as your husband. It was hard not be be exasperated and angry and, to be honest, I was pretty resentful. He had such a great opportunity and he just moped and whined, and like you say, didn't get much done in the house. There aren't many stay at home dad groups, and moms don't easily accept stay at home dads in their playgroups. At the time, not much helped, to be honest, I never found a good way to approach it. But, I think you really need to.

Now my husband is in school, and sometimes I *catch* him coming home in the middle of the day and just goofing off at home while our son is in daycare. He could be doing laundry or dishes or vacuuming or anything helpful, but he doesn't even think of it. So, I told him that it's not fair. That I have to stay at work all day, and then come home and do half or more of the housework and childcre on top of that. And he got 4 hours off during the middle of the day.

So, that he did understand. (Apparently) like your husband, he has slight depression, which makes him just fold up and do nothing, even things he knows have to be done. I also have dealt with a lot of depression, but that's not how it manifests in me, so it's kind of frustrating.

That said, he does have a handful with the 3 kids, especially twins. Maybe pointing out that 3 kids in daycare would be running you about $3000 a month would help him feel more validated (but that never worked for my husband). Anyway, I would talk to him and tell him that you're going to work out a general list of things that need to be done, and a routine during the day for the kids, just like a daycare. Because, essentially with three kids, 2 very little ones, that is what he is running. One good thing he could work on is having the 3 yr old helping a lot. Give him tasks that he can give the 3 yr old. Then, you can also write out an evening routine. Maybe where you take the kids, and he spends an hour or so on the housework, and then has some time to himself. And point out that you each need an hour or so to yourself each day, so that after you are done with the kids in the evening, there shouldn't be anything that you're having to do that gets in the way of that.

You can also talk to him about what a special time this is. I don't know if he'll get that, sometimes depression gets in the way of really feeling that. But, the good thing is that my husband is now a way more intuitive dad than he ever would have been had he not had that time at home. He is very close with our son, much more than a lot of dads.

I don't know if any of this will help. But I hope you find something. It broke my heart that my husband couldn't appreciate what he got, when I would have done anything to stay home in his place.

Best wishes.

I agree that your husband is showing signs of depression. Maybe you can sit down with him during a quiet moment (I know, I know, with little ones around that isn't easy) and discuss your concern that he may be depressed. I would pose it in as non-threatening as possible. It is natural to have depression when one loses a job and times are tough. He may be dealing with a host of personal issues and feels conflicted about taking on this stay at home dad position. Is there anyone like a clergy person your husband could also speak with? It sounds like he needs some additional support to sort out what is going on. I hope he can get some counseling that will be beneficial. I am also sorry for your situation because it must be soo difficult for you with the little ones at home, dad feeling unable to cope with their needs, and your having to work while also worrying about what is going on at home. My heart goes out to you. I hope things get better soon.

Take care!

Is he not feeding them at all, or just not solids? What about putting increasing amounts of cereal in their bottles (then they get the solids and he's still giving bottles)...in the short run it could help.

How about a twins group?