Husband Doesn't Understand

What I don't get is he "retired" in 2008 which means you chose to have a child with a man who sits around all day. What exactly did you think would happen? Did you have a discussion about responsibilities before you decided to have a child?

He "retired" without saving for retirement? My dad is retired, he doesn't work, his wife doesn't work. Sounds like he didn't retire, sounds like he quit because he is lazy and didn't feel like it.

Anyway there is no way to get through to him, he is the person you married, he is the person you chose to have a child with.

Yeah, you married a selfish man. You've tried the things I would have recommended. Outside of asking a respected relative to talk with him, you simply need to recognize that you married what you married. I can't imagine retiring at an early age and doing NOTHING. My parents and inlaws are all retired and they all are very active. Their houses are clean, their grandchildren are pampered, my father in law volunteers in basically a full time job, my parents both create so much art they could open their own museum. He's entitled and lazy, but that's what you picked. That's sad.

He sounds like he has some major mental health issues. He needs help. His behavior is not rational if he can't care for his own daughter without stressing out. Does he not have his own car? Why can't he do the daycare driving?

If I am off base with the mental health thing then you have a lazy jerk for a husband and you are allowing him to treat you like a servant. Was he like this when you decided to have a child with him?

It sounds like he wants to retire from life and not have to do anything for anyone.
If he's THAT retired then maybe you should retire him from marriage and raise your daughter without him.
It's what you're doing now except he's there at home to aggravate you while he's laying around doing nothing.
Maybe he'll have to come out of retirement if he has to make child support payments.

Why did he retire at a young age? Was there a medical reason for the retirement?

He can't do things because he gets stressed out? But he's okay with stressing YOU out? If he has this much stress, he needs to get into counseling to figure out how to deal with this stress and what is the issue of the stress. Personally, it sounds like he uses that as an excuse to not take care of his child, not help with the house and basically doing whatever he wants to do.

This is not a partnership. You are the adult with two "kids". I would have a very serious conversation with him and explain how this has to improve. That YOU are getting stressed out and can't keep doing everything without some assistance.

He needs to get a physical, he needs to grow up and start taking responsible for his life choices. He needs to start acting like an adult and partner to you and a father to his daughter. If he is not capable of those things, you need to make the decision if you can continue this life style. You want to be a good role model to your daughter and she needs to understand that marriage is a partnership not the Daddy sitting home all day doing nothing.

I agree with the others...you need to take the stress off yourself even if he won't help you to do. Which means that by default, then, his "retirement" savings goes to use for the help that he refuses to provide.
Hire a nanny and a housekeeper.
I work full time and could not live without either of mine.

Let the housework go a bit. I'm not saying live in filth, but if he doesn't like it, he can get up and clean. That would be my last priority, honestly.

Basically, if he refuses to behave as a "team", then you are a one man show. Which means that you also don't need to consider him in your daily routine. Don't worry about his dinner, laundry, cleaning preferences. Etc. Basically, he's forcing you to live like a single mother. So I would stop treating him like part of the family.

Sometimes people just need to figure things out the hard way.

how is this a partnership? i applaud you for being as chill about it as you are- i'd be seething with resentment if my partner were this lazy and useless.
i don't know what to suggest beyond counseling. if he really thinks this is okay, he's either really really stupid or just a jerk.
i'm so sorry, hon. i hope you can fix this for all of your sakes.
khairete
S.

Retired or not, if he lives in the house, he should be doing his fair share of the housework. If he is that child's father, he should be doing his fair share of child care.

You say he retired. Can you update your post? Does he have a medical condition that made it so that he couldn't work anymore? Is he on disability? Did he strike it "rich" and decide to retire because he didn't need a work salary anymore?

Or, did he just decide he no longer wanted to work and you have to do it all?

If you have enough money to live off of without him working, hire a cleaner to come in every week, even if he doesn't like it. Hire out whatever it takes. Tell him that if he won't help out, then someone is paid to do it and that's just the way it is.

Four year olds are not easy, and I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to take care of her. After all, he doesn't want to work at a job either. He obviously has very little motivation, and that includes in being an involved dad.

If I were you, I would DEMAND that he go to the doctor and talk about his inability to deal with stress. It sounds to me like he has depression.

Whatever you do, don't have a second child with him.

Did your husband retire early due to a disability? If he's dsiabled talk to his doctor about what he is capable of. For example, if he's on kidney dialysis he will be completely exhausted on the days he's had dialysis.

Or is he just lazy?

If he's just lazy then you need to stop doing things for him. Stop preparing meals for him, stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning up after him. Care for you and your child. If you were to divorce that's what you'd be doing - caring for you and your daughter only. Whe you make dinner make a burger for you and yoru child and let him figure it out by himself. Let him wear dirty clothes - who cares? you're at work during the day - he'll figure out how to run the washing machine if he needs to.

I assume if he doesn't want to do anything to help he also won't go to counseling. He needs counseling - desperately. To me he sounds like he's dealing with depression at the minimum - or some other mental health issue. It's amazing what the proper medication can do if he's willing to admit he needs help.

If he won't go alone or with you then go by yourself and figure out what you need to do. Can you stand to live like this the rest of your life? It seems like he fully understands - so it's not about getting him to understand that you need his help- instead it's getting him to understand that he may lose his wife & child if he doesn't get off his butt.

If he's got a mental health problem or two (there's often more than one issue) he must seek help or you will find a place for just you and your child. He needs an ultimatum - and you need to carry through on it.

So he doesn't contribute to the finances, household duties, childcare, or any emotional support. Why exactly do you keep him around?

Did you guys talk about how your lives would be different after he retired?

It sounds like you each have different expectations of what life would be like after he retired. Perhaps those need to be clarified.

He retired from his job, not life. Bills still need to be paid, lawns still need to be moved, house still need to be dusted....the earlier you retire the more there is to do.

In my opinion, marriage is a team effort. We divide and conquer. Whoever can get it done, gets it done so that we can enjoy our evenings or weekends together without being stressed.

Doesn't sound like you guys are on the same page. You need to be.

Hire a cleaning lady, and perhaps a baby sitter that comes to your house. If he doesn't like it, too bad, then he can step up and do it. Hopefully he will come around.

Best of luck to you.

So he feels he's retired from everything, not just from his job? Doing the math, your DD is younger than mine so she was born after he retired. Did he try the SAHD thing when she was an infant? Would he be at all willing to try one day a week now? Or take her for a Saturday? It is different when a child is 4 vs 1. I would also look for preschool for her, because if she's going to be away from you, she might as well get the benefits of a preschool or preK program vs just a daycare.

I think you need to lay the cards on the table. Point out to him that you pay x per week for your child to be in daycare because he says he can't do it (not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP). How could things change if you could save that money? Or spend it elsewhere?

If it is too stressful for him to work, but too much to do anything, have you considered that he might be depressed? I would insist he seek an evaluation because "I'm not doing anything" just won't fly with a family.

If he doesn't know what to do with a child, that's on thing. If he doesn't know how to keep up a house, that's something else. You've already hired PT help so you can work (which he doesn't like but won't do anything to change), and if he won't even get her dressed or brush her teeth or do a load of dishes, either there's something else going on or he's fundamentally lazy. What are his reasons for not even taking the child to or from daycare? Or giving her a bath?

My DH can retire early due to his long service at his job. But if he pulled this I'd insist he go to the doctor because not working is different than not being a part of the family. You are essentially a single working mother with the current situation - you pick her up and take her back to the office, even, to facilitate whatever is going on with him. That's not right. For any of you.

Basically, he needs to be checked for depression, especially if he retired from a military or other high stress job, and you should also consider marital counseling to decide if you want to keep doing it sort of alone or if you need to really do it alone.

K.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Okay- WHY is your husband retired? Is he medically retired or did he make a boatload of money and now wants to enjoy HIS life?

If it's the latter...sorry..he's married and a father...he needs to set up. Period. he is part of the household and as part of the household is - not SHOULD - but IS responsible for helping out. PERIOD.

He can do the laundry.
He can take care of HIS child.

If you can't get through to him? Well, you have three options...marriage counseling, divorce or just live with it. Right now you are a "married" single woman. He's more like your child than a PARTNER.

don't give ultimatums...tell him what you expect. Tell him you've found a marriage counselor to help get things resolves since he obviously doesn't speak your language.

If he's retired because he made a boatload of money? Hire a housekeeper and he pays for it. Tell him if he can't be bothered to do anything other than create a mess - he needs to fork over the money so you can rest on your down time....

heck - I might even hire a chef to get my point across if he made a lot of money...yes...that's childish of me. but how childish is HE being for NOT contributing to the household??

If you can't learn to communicate EFFECTIVELY together? You aren't going to have much of a marriage. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be mean. I do understand what you are saying...it's hard when you have an adult who only thinks of himself.

Good luck!

It sounds like you've had this conversation with him time and again. And it doesn't change anything. So I doubt another conversation will magically have a different outcome. In this case, the only thing to do now is to answer this question - are you better off with him or without him?

And he does what all day? There would be a war if this was my house!!!

He must be great in bed, because I can't see why you would stay with him otherwise.

2 things come to mind. Male depression can make them bears to live with. Check that out.

Otherwise, marriage counseling. Both of you need to be heard and then you need a mediator and compromise.

I grew up around there. Good luck changing that male's mind. But if you don't try, divorce is much harder. You have to be totally clear on the consequences of his choices. Sometimes men don't appreciate what they have til it's walking out the door.

If he WILL NOT change?
Hire a nanny and a housekeeper.
I wouldn't accept that life--or his attitude.
You're a team-and a family-whether he's retired or not!

It sounds like there could be some underlying issues here. Did he not have a "plan" for when he retired? I know MANY people who are retired, some retired early and most have a part time job to stay busy, alert and it brings in a little more money.

Does he realize that by doing nothing he is draining his retirement account probably WAY too early and is he willing to go get a job while in his 60's or 70's in order to make ends meet?

Could he be depressed because he is not involved and this is causing the downward spiral of pure laziness.

He retired and you ended up getting another instant child to care for. Marriage is teamwork.... he has responsibilities as well.

What does he do all day? I can't imagine just sitting around idle all day. How boring of a life would that be.

Maybe a visit to the Dr for a complete health check to make sure he is ok physically and then a visit to counseling to get him off his rear before he loses you emotionally and possibly permanently.

You don't have a husband or your child's father in your home - you have a roommate. Red flags everywhere!!!!!!!!! Sorry to say but you've become a doormat. I hope you gain the strength to do what is needed. Good luck!

He can't bring himself to get off the couch or out of the computer chair to pick up HIS child at daycare if you need to work late?

I often think/dream about winning the lottery and while I wouldn't be working I sure wouldn't be sitting at home either. I think of places I could volunteer and that sort of thing. You don't say what your husband is actually doing, but from your post it sounds like he's sitting on his bum doing absolutely nothing.

You need to have a serious talk about what needs to change in your lives.

M

Is there some reason he can't get a job and you also continue to work? I mean.. your daughter is already in daycare regardless... so that isn't something that is going to adversely affect her by him going to work.

And ditto the others who said he's selfish. He wants her home but he can't handle her alone all day? Like cake and eating it, too, huh? So what is HIS solution? YOU put her in daycare... what did he come up with as an alternative, since he doesn't care for your plan?

Retirement can initially be a challenge, but you say he's been retired for 6 years now... so this isn't new. This was the case before you had your daughter. How does he fill his time? Sitting with the TV or video games all day?
You both could likely do with some counseling...

Tell him either he helps at home or he comes up with the money to pay someone to help you. It's not fair that you are your family servant. That is basically what he has made you.

Stop doing everything. If you continue to do it then that proves to him that you are capable and should HAVE to continue doing it.

Why do we do this? I don't know. I am not the family servant. Hubby is assigned dishes and trash plus the outdoor stuff.

If he doesn't do the dishes I DO NOT go do them for him. If I do that even once he'll expect me to start doing it all the time. No one is going to die from the dishes sitting for a day. Or even 2. His consequences of not doing the dishes is he gags when he finally gets in there to do them.

The results? He gets his hiney in there for at least a month doing the dishes every single day. He'll slack off but leave them sit overnight or through the next day and he's in there gagging again and then doing them religiously every single time a dish gets dirty.

We have to train them to do what we want. Love and Logic is a way of life. Consequences are that if "they" don't do their chores then I/we should never ever rescue them. They might be appreciative but then it's OUR chore again.

Assign hubby something that needs to be done every single day, at least 3 things if you can. Then do not ever ever ever do that chore for him. Let it sit and sit and sit. When the house starts smelling from the trash he'll be home all day and have to smell it. He'll get the idea and go take care of it.

Hubby does his chores all the time now. It took about a year and he got the idea. If he's sick it sits until he's feeling better. I don't get a day off from cooking, they'd go hungry if I did.

Assign hubby certain days to cook dinner. Make up a menu with him every Saturday for the next week. Go buy groceries on Saturday afternoon as a family OR have him go on Monday when kiddo is at child care. No reason on those days she is gone he can't cook the full meal.

You come home with kiddo to dinner on the table.

Teach him like he's a little kid. Train him to do what you want. He's an adult so he's going to rebel. If you do it right he'll comply without really knowing what you're doing.

I don't get this. How does he spend his day? Is he disabled? How does he want life to look? Perhaps therapy could help.

Hire a housekeeper to do the big stuff. Use his "retirement" money.

I agree with the "walking out the door" comment below. It's possible he has depression or some other mental issue, and if not, I would force him to a counselor.

Or just hire the housekeeper, make do, and find someone better when your daughter's grown. You can't be attracted to this useless guy.

He is not acting like a man, a husband, or a father. My friend recently divorced her husband for behaving the same way, she figured if she was going to do it all on her own anyways she might as well have one less mouth to feed.

If he is not going to work then there is no reason for the child to be in day care, he is her father, and he should be more then capable of doing that job. If he does not want to be a stay at home dad and daycare is something that is not a hardship for you to afford then great, but then he needs to be taking on the lions share of the housework. Taking care of the kids and the home are not the "woman's job", and he needs to get that straight ASAP. You are a team and he is not holding up his end of the deal. I would tell him point blank what you need from him, and consider entering into counseling. If he refuses to change then I would consider a temporary separation as my next step to give me time to assess my situation and to think about what will be best for myself, and show the best example to my daughter about how a man should act and how a woman should be treated.

So what exactly IS he doing?

I have many friends that retired early, but they did this with a plan of what they would be doing once retired and this in NO way included sitting around.

Has he had his testosterone checked? He sounds like he has low testosterone, this is very normal and he can get help. He sounds depressed.

Some of my "retired friends" have become very involved in volunteering actually sitting on the Board of directors for different groups, they became very involved in their children's schools, some of them started new businesses.
Part time work doing things they were always interested in.

Heck I have a friend that works part time for a funeral home. He drives the cars to and from the funeral home. He is a greeter at the home. Sometimes he drives the van or hearse to pick up "a client" to be brought to Austin for their own services.

If he is not working on anything, then he needs to at least take care of the household. Make a list, Men are not like women, they do not see or sometimes even realize, keeping up a home takes work every day. They clean it once and think, oh good, don't have to do that again! Ha!

He should be the one dropping off daughter and picking her up,
Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping.
Mowing edging and trimming the yard.
Repairs and maintenance to the home and the cars.
Being a layabout is a wasted life.

If he is not willing to share the duties, I would insist he go to marriage counseling so the 2 of you can learn to communicate, He needs someone else to bring him into reality, because right now he is not living a full life.
He is setting a terrible example for your daughter.

I'm sorry, was he not in on the discussion to have a child? He seems horribly inconvenienced by her and anything else that "stresses" him out. If he wants to be left alone all day, he should move his butt out. At least then you know where you stand and won't expect anything of him.

That's kind of insane...he is not acting at all like an adult. What is his issue? Why does he not go get a job? What does he do with himself all day long? Why does he not want to do things as a family on weekends? That is so strange to me. My husband lives for the weekends and doing fun things all together. Why won't he pick up your daughter when you have to work late? He is at home all day yet he won't help out around the house at all? Is he insanely lazy? What is he doing? Was he like this before he retired? Is he depressed or just a jerk? I am really having a hard time understanding him. I don't think I could stay with someone like this bc it would make me so angry with him all the time. Make a list of all the house work on a big piece of poster board. Split everything half and half. Honestly, he is home all day so he should take more than half...but this is a start. Give him 1/2 of the child responsibilities (pick up, making lunch, bath time, bedtime, whatever). On weekends he can have one day to veg out but the other day he needs to either give you a day off or do something as a family. If my husband could not do at least this I would tell him, I'm sorry, but I think I am better off without you. Tell him. This is it, buddy. The END of our marriage unless you can step up. How is he going to like it when a huge percentage of his retirement is going for child support payments AND he has to do everything for himself and not live like a big, selfish baby anymore?

Give him an ultimatum. Either man up and be a full time husband and father or get the heck out. He is useless anyway.

One can retire from employment but not family and household duties. Was he like this when courting you? Was he like this early in your marriage?

Nothing you say will suddenly inspire him to start helping. You have to decide how long you can put up with this. In the meantime here is what I would do.

I would sit down with a list. On one side it would state your name and on the other it would have his. Then under each column I would list the duties you both are currently doing.

Then I would tell him that this list is VERY imbalanced which spills over into your marriage. This is a very imbalanced marriage. I would then ask him which duties he is willing to take on so as to balance out the list. If he is unwilling to take on more then you tell him you are going to hire out for help.

I would also tell him that your marriage needs help. He is unwilling to lift the burden off of your shoulders. That is selfish, immature and cruel. Not three qualities admirable of a husband, father and man. Most men who love,cherish and adore their wife and family would seek opportunities to help relieve a burden. Especially in a scenario like this when he has absolutely NOTHING on his to-do list each day to take him away from his home and family.

I would tell him that you need couple's counseling. If he wants to find the counselor that is fine. He has two weeks to research one. If he doesn't then you find one. He can come along or you can go by yourself. Talk to someone. Get tools from a professional of how to maneuver this next stage of your marriage.

He can totally do the SAHD thing. Just because he "tried" it out doesn't mean he can't. To me it looks like he doesn't want to, nor do much of anything. As a SAHM I can understand his frustrations. It is TOUGH being responsible for the care of kids and household duties full time. But, with reading books and taking some Parenting classes and talking with a child behaviorist, I (we) learned tools to help us as I(we) raise our three kids.

I have a feeling he takes the easy road on all things and just quits when things are difficult. I could be wrong in this assessment but it appears that way from what you have stated in your post.

I wish you the best. This is a tough road to haul. You are doing the job of a mother and a father all by yourself, with an occasional dinner made for you by your spouse. This is not a good example for your daughter to see. Mom doing everything and dad loafing around.

You do have to add why he retired so young... Is he somewhat disabled or rich or lazy? Big differences... What does he do all day btw??

What works here is when I get as frustrated as you sound, I take a break. I take a day with or without the kid and leave. I just did it on Sunday. Hubby annoyed me and then sat right next to me and asked where are we going and I had to explain, I was going and he wasn't. I told him I needed a break.

When I came home I had a warm welcoming husband again.

You cannot get through to him. He is the only one that can change his perspective. You could get through to you though. See things for exactly what they are and not for what they should be or what you would like them to be.

Dwelling on the "shoulds" is the road to hell. Whether he should do something or not is irrelevant. He isn't doing it. Get really clear with what is and then make some choices and decisions accordingly.

If you release all of your shoulds about him and simply accept what is you are then free to care for yourself and your daughter in the healthiest way. For example, if he doesn't help with housework and you need help, hire some help or re-prioritize or let some things go (like all of his stuff).

Create clear boundaries for yourself and then follow through. Find a really good counselor to support you in seeing what is and then being able to have the hard conversations and make the hard decisions. It is likely with what you have shared that he will be resistant to any counseling. Focus on you. Get support for yourself.

As you heal, he will be left with some choices of his own. The kindest thing you can do for yourself, your daughter, and him is to allow him to be who he is. At the same time, shift focus to you. You have things to heal and learn about yourself that have contributed to you choosing this man and to you tolerating his behavior. There are things that keep you from setting boundaries and standing up for and caring for yourself. Heal these things and you will be amazed at how the world around you changes.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

A couple of really good resources that might help are:

The Work by Byron Katie, www.thework.com -- she has some amazing tools to support you in questioning your thoughts and being able to move past all of the shoulds to a place of choice. Many of her videos are free, there are a ton of youtube videos of her doing the work, and all of her worksheets are free.

"Boundaries: Where you end and I begin" by Anne Katherine

"The Art of Extreme Self-Care" by Cheryl Richardson

I would not force him to be a SAHD like someone suggested. Not all moms are meant to be a SAHM so I'm pretty sure not all dads could be either. And if you insist, then he will be resentful, your kid will not be taken care of, and no one will be happy. If money allows, get a housekeeper to come every other week so free up some time and energy for you. I would meet with him and just flat out tell him of your concerns. Tell him you need him to step up if he isn't going to work. Don't just say, what can you do? Say things like, can you do all the laundry and take out the trash and cook dinner Mon, Wed and Fridays? Can we go out to breakfast every Saturday and then to the park as a family? Can you babysit every other week so I can go out with my girlfriends? I think you get the idea. Try to find out the things HE is willing to do then lock it in and make a schedule. Good luck.

I have two words for you. Divorce him!!!!!

He's correct that he shouldn't be doing all the housework and childcare. He didn't retire to do that. However when someone retires they usually go through a period that's almost like depression unless they have something that they can't wait to do. When my mom retired she was pissy for years because she didn't have anything to fill her days. My dad, on the other hand, had always wanted more time to spend gardening and reading so he was pretty happy.

In your husband's case it sounds like he's depressed and you are very stressed out. Not a good combination because neither will feed supported emotionally. Have you thought about counseling? Either as a couple or just by yourself? It'll help you get to the bottom of exactly what the actual issues are (because it has nothing to do with his retirement) and work on the foundation of your relationship.