Husband Had a Two-night Stand with co-worker..should I Confront the Other Woman?
Updated on
November 20, 2013
J.B.
asks from
Jackson Heights, NY
12
answers
This is a long story; I apologize for rambling…I can barely get through a day without swinging between extremes of wanting to divorce him and then thinking about putting it behind us like it never happened. I also think ignorance would be bliss…would be better off not knowing, he should have to spend the rest of his life living with the guilt.
My husband is an auditor and travels frequently; he’s usually gone for at least a week or two each month. He went to South Carolina for an assignment three weeks ago and I thought it was a normal trip like any other; he did tell me he was going with his co-worker, Emily, who I’ve met before and didn’t think anything of them traveling alone together. I hadn’t the slightest idea she was interested in my husband since she’s 16 years younger than him and has a serious boyfriend.
This past Saturday, I ran into his manager’s wife at the mall. We made small talk and out of the blue she said she had to hand it to me…she’s not as secure as me, she would never let her husband share a room with a younger, female co-worker. I was baffled, had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed it off that we had a very strong marriage. I spent the rest of my mall trip thinking about it and when I got home, I took the kids to the neighbors’ house to play so I could question him. I told him what his manager’s wife said and his face dropped. He came clean that his company was severely cutting back on expenses and asked him and Emily if they would be OK with sharing a room for the audit engagement; he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I believed him and left it alone, but I had a nagging feeling about it. I questioned him again after I put the kids to bed, telling him I didn’t feel right about it.
He broke down with his face in his hands; said he was very sorry, it meant nothing and he told Emily it couldn’t happen again and it was a mistake, and he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me. I was stunned, felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, and couldn’t believe what he was telling me. He was blubbering and I told him to slow down and start from the beginning and I wanted the entire truth and details.
He said the part about the company making them share a room was true and his manager and HR made a big deal about making sure it was OK with him and Emily. He didn’t want to tell me because he knew how I would react and there was no way around it because he had to go. They went about work normally, had dinner with the clients and went back to the hotel. I believe him when he says he didn’t have any sexual thoughts in mind and he didn’t think she did either; he says she hadn’t flirted with him at all. He said they both went about their night routines, got into the separate beds, the lights went out and they made small talk until it got quiet.
At this point, I thought he was going to have a seizure; he could barely find the words through his crying. He said he was half asleep on his side facing away from her, but could hear her moving around in her bed. He said all of a sudden she got into bed with him and when he turned around to face her, she kissed him and pressed up against him and he knew she was naked. He said he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark. He said they did it again before falling asleep. He said he woke in the morning and she was back in her bed. He went into the shower to get ready for work and to clear his head (genius that he is, he didn’t lock the bathroom door). She joined him in the shower and they had sex again. They got dressed and left for the client’s office without talking. He said the day went by without any awkwardness from her as if nothing had happened. Through his crying, he said they had sex three times that night and again in the shower the next morning before leaving for the airport. He said reality set in on the flight back; he was wracked with guilt and disgust of himself. When they landed, he told her it was a mistake and it would never happen again. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I was in shock, just couldn’t process it. I couldn’t look at him and told him that I would sleep in the guestroom that night.
I really owe it to his manager’s wife, I never would’ve found out otherwise. He came home and didn’t seem different at all. I believe he’s told me the complete truth and I can see that he’s genuinely remorseful and scared of losing the kids and me. I just wish I could get inside his head to understand how he could have sex with this woman seven times. He’s tried to explain it as being in another city, in a strange hotel arrangement and having someone so much younger aggressively come onto him.
I just don’t know if I can get past it. How can he come home and act perfectly normal? I’ve asked him if he enjoyed the sex and he refuses to answer, says he doesn’t want to add more hurt, but I want to know. They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested; thankfully he had a vasectomy. He says they don’t talk at work unless it’s work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says he’ll find an excuse not to travel with her again.
I just don’t know what to do. My mind is screaming divorce most of the time, but I also think about the life we’ve built together and our kids…how can I just throw it away without trying to fix it for them and then I think how he easily threw it away for cheap sex.
About confronting the other woman: While she shamefully broke the sister code, and deserves shunning at the annual Christmas party for that, she was not the one who committed to you. Your husband did. Confronting her will not lessen your pain. It is likely to turn into an ugly scene that will make you feel even worse. As will insisting on knowing if he enjoyed the sex. That seems like salt in an already very painful wound to me.
So where do you go from here? I think straight to a marriage counselor if you can. Cheating is serious, as is divorce. You need someone to help you weigh the pros and cons and figure out what you want to do - and what you are capable of. I have a wonderful friend who found out about her husband's 7-year affair and the child from that affair. She decided she wanted to fix her marriage and invite that child into their life and is very happy about her decision. And I have another wonderful friend who had her husband's belongings on the lawn after a one-night stand and felt good about that. Figuring out where you fit along that spectrum is going to take time. Be patient with yourself and good luck.
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J.H.
answers from
New York
on
Therapy. Now.
Both jointly AND individual.
Helped me survive my cheating husband (we ended up divorced, but he did WAY more than a two-night stand).
As satisfying as it seems it would be, I wouldn't confront the other woman. I certainly fantasized about running into my ex's tramp at the grocery store and making a scene, but looking back on it now I'm glad it never happened. It's not the kind of person I'd be proud to have been.
Good luck.
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K.C.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Confronting the other woman will accomplish absolutely nothing. This is between you and your husband.
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T.F.
answers from
Dallas
on
How do you think confronting her will help you? It might make you feel bigger and better for a few minutes but it is a moot point because it will show your current insecurity and jealousy. NOT saying you have always been that way but this is something that can very well deal a blow to the ego of the spouse.
Stop badgering your husband for specific details on the sex act. Gees, you know what went on, you know how many times it happened. Why do you feel the need to know details of every move?
Now it is time to determine if you want to throw away your marriage, disrupt the lives of you and your children for this stupid lapse in judgment.
I have a hard time buying that a corporation would ask 2 people of the opposite sex to share a room on a business trip. Top that with the HR manager's WIFE mentioning it to you. WTH else corporate information is the manager blabbing about? HR is supposed to be confidential and this manager has broken that deal with his blabbing.
In my 25 yrs in business and part of that with a large corporation sharing rooms has NEVER been suggested by management. That is not to say there was some room sharing probably going on. The fact that any HR would suggest this as a money saving tactic is stupid and asking for trouble. Top it off with a blabbing HR director and now the rumors are in full force.
Go talk to a counselor and see if you can get past this. If you feel as though you can't, then take the steps to be self sufficient and be there for your children until they are 18 and on their own.
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O.H.
answers from
Phoenix
on
Of course he "enjoyed the sex", he had it 7 times in 2 days. Stop asking for details, it really won't help. And no, you don't need to confront her. I believe in Karma and she will get hers in due time. Of course you would like to see it get her, but you probably won't. I would make it VERY clear that there will be NO MORE room sharing, which I can't imagine even being offered in the first place. I would seek out counceling for both of you. It will take a VERY long time for you to get past this. Personally, I have an ex husband and divorced him for less than this. He was texting and chatting with women and would not/could not give it up. I knew I did not want to live the rest of my life with someone I would always wonder what he was up to when I wasn't around. Divorce is not fun for anyone, especially the kids. So make sure you do everything in your power to save your marriage. If you make it, great. If not, at least you will know that YOU did everything you could and move on. Good luck.
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K.G.
answers from
New York
on
Dear J.,
This is all very personal and I completely feel and sympathize with you. You are completely right to be torn between holding on to your family and divorce. It truthfully depends how much you still love him, how much he loves you and how or if to rebuild trust and do you both want to. Before making any decisions you should ask yourself:
Why would he do this?
Why would he do it more than once?
Once a cheater... you know the rest. Do you think he's done it before?
Can you look at him now?
Can you talk openly with him?
Does he disgust you?
Do you still have a bond (love, communication, etc)?
Would you stay and work it out for you or your kids? If for the kids, then be ready for many miserable years ahead...
And the big question is would you be able to forgive him?
Counseling helps, but it's really all about love, trust and forgiveness, so if you can do it you have a chance. And then decide what you want him to do in return (transfer dept, get her to leave, he finds new job, etc...). You can't chain him to your home, so what can he do to regain your trust. No one can tell you what to do because we're not in your shoes, but hopefully if you can answer some of the above question you'll be able to figure it out.
Good Luck
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K.G.
answers from
Albany
on
I feel for you. I am so sorry this happened. It's a strange tale he has told you and I have to say something doesn't sound right. Seven times is not an oops it's a weekend fling and chances are it will happen again if he has to see her at work. Where is his impulse control and maturity? Listen to your gut. I would take some time apart and get some individual and joint support. This stuff doesn't pop up out of nowhere nor does it go away by itself. It is NOT about you and you have done NOTHING to warrant this behavior. You should not have to live in turmoil and sadness. He has to figure out his life and get honest before you two can put it behind you. I wish you all the best and good luck.
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K.W.
answers from
New York
on
oh wow!!!! I see your struggle, I dont't think anyone one of us have the right to say stay or go. But I do know that the trust you once had is forever gone, and if this is something you consider staying in you guys should get counselling ASAP!!! Good luck with everything.
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P.K.
answers from
New York
on
Wow! I can understand your rambling. I would feel the same way. My first thought is, why are men so stupid??? I heard that Angelina came on to Brad Pitt in a somewhat similar manner. I would certainly make your husband suffer and feel your disappointment, let him feel how close he is to losing you but I would not let a foolish fling like this break up an otherwise good marriage. I'm not so sure he did tell the whole truth though. I don't believe a company would require or even ask employees of the opposite sex to share a room. I also think he probably told her he had a vasectomy since they did not use protection. I'd grill him some more, make him come clean about everything but at some point you have to let it go and move on.
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H.L.
answers from
New York
on
I'm so sorry. I think its horrible that the manager made a man and a woman share a room that was the point of no return and temptation. God didn't tell us to pray lead us not into temptation for no reason! Why couldn't the manager share a room with her! That is so irresponsible of him and stupid. And then to have her crawl into bed with him! maybe it was a set up for him. What man would resist all this. Men are just not that strong its sad and detestable that men are like this I wish they had more strength. I don't think he really cares about this woman but you need to talk to a counselor and he needs to have strength. God bless i'm sorry.
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J.K.
answers from
Wausau
on
I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.
As for your opening question - no, don't bother confronting her. It would sure feel good in the moment but won't actually help you or do anything towards fixing your marriage if that is what you decide to do.
Take a few days for the hurt and rage to go from a boil to a simmer before you make any decisions. Stop asking him for sex details. That info is not going to help you either. Make an appointment with a counselor to start sorting through all of this.
Ultimately, I think you'll need individual therapists and a marriage counselor. You need safe help working through the betrayal, where you can say things out loud that you shouldn't say to him. He needs to get real and figure our what is going wrong in his head that made him risk everything. It could have started just as he says but he made a choice, it something that was done to him.
You're on a long road and I hope you can find peace with your decisions and end up in the place you most want to be.
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S.C.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
Gosh I'm so sorry this happen to you; I went though the same thing I really had to ask myself, Do I still want this relationship, would I look like a idiot if I stayed. I did stay but it was nothing easy and at times still plays in the back of my head. But at the same time I can say I honestly do love him and I was welling to work it out.
But its up to you the balls in your court. Good Luck in whatever direction you decide to go.
