May Need Good Divorce Attorney.

hi K.,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, i know how it feels. If you are willing to find a good attorney, why don't you hire a private investigator first, just so he doesn't give you the whole "i'm not doing anything wrong" speech. You'll have evidence of what he is doing at least and then when you have all that info I do suggest that you go to a mediator first instead of the attorney.

Best of luck,

E.

Not sleeping with you is a HUGE red flag. The behaviors you decribed: disappearing and not telling you where he is, out late,starting fights, etc: are all behaviors my ex-husband exhibited when he was having an affair 35 years ago. Our marriage ended in divorce. I was young and ignorant. Do not be ignorant. You certainly have the right to demand what is going on and expect a truthfull answer. Be calm and assertive. A screaming match will get you nowhere, except a fight, which settles nothing. Be prepared to hear the words you may not want to hear. I begged and pleaded with my former husband, but he wanted none of it. He wanted to marry that other woman, and in his mind he was already done with me. Be prepared for that. In knowledge there is power. Do your homework and make a list of all your assets, to include bank account numbers, insurance policy numbers, retirement plan & 401k account numbers, anything considered a possible asset. Consult with a divorce attorney to determine what you can expect to keep or lose in a divorce. I highly recommend Kathy Schlepphorst in downtown SJ, ###-###-####. Her address is 31 N. 2nd St. Kathy successfully handled my son's custody case. After seeing her in action, I wish she had been around when I got my divorce. She's very very good.
I hope you two can work it out, but if not, you must be strong and assertive. I've been where you are now, and I know how demoralizing it can be.
Good Luck

Hi K.,
You have my sympathies for what you're going through. I just wanted to say, *please* don't go to any attorney. I'm assuming you have kids, or you wouldn't be posting here, so if you do get divorced, you'll have to maintain some sort of relationship with your husband, at least till they're all 18, and probably at major events after that. Since that's likely to be the case, please consider going with a mediator instead. They are much cheaper than lawyers, and much less likely to get everyone at each other's throats, which is what lawyers (especially divorce lawyers) excel at. I can recommend Susan Shapiro, in Menlo Park, and Karole Goldie in Palo Alto. They're both excellent, and you will have a much less harrowing (and cheaper) divorce if you go with one of them than a divorce attorney.
Best of luck!

Hi K. --

You are not crazy. Whether or not he he has actually had an affair is a moot point -- your husband has abandoned you emotionally, and the physical isn't far behind. The fact that he has shared with you that he is engaging in chat room sex is abusive and controlling.

I know this because it happened to me eight years ago.

Give your husband exactly two options:

1) get into couple's counseling immediately, or
2) move out of the family home and file for divorce

This is NOT something you can let slide, nor is it anything you can work out on your own. You need help, and if he is not willing to get help, that means he is no longer the least bit interested in a real relationship with you. This is harmful to you, and more importantly, it is harmful to your daughter -- she will learn that men can do what they like, and women pick up the pieces regardless.

Talk to your girlfriends, your family, and your clergy. Get your support network lined up. Get yourself into counseling even if he won't go with you. Do NOT be ashamed of this -- you have no idea how common this situation is, and there is not a woman out there with half a heart who would not support you.

You MUST take care of yourself and your children. Your husand has made it abundantly clear that he only cares about HIMSELF. Fine, he can go be a big boy and live alone if he is not fully vested in the family. Again, K., this is emotionally ABUSIVE behavior and it will not get better on its own -- it will only get worse, and you and your daughter will be the victims.

HUGS and STRENGTH!!!!

J.

K.,

I am a divorce attorney. If you decide that you need a divorce there are many good ones out there. Not all of us try to make the process a fight.

First, I would suggest counseling. Divorce is a tough process and something that should be considered very carefully before proceeding. There are many issues and situations that you haven't even imagined that you will be put through and it is very hard. It is definately something you have to "survive."

If you really want to know if your husband is having an affair, you can hire a private investigator. Some are quite reasonable. Start looking online. Make sure you are prepared for what you might find out. It is hard to know if that is what is actually going on.

Good luck and I hope whatever decision you make, you find peace.

Dear K.,

I know a great family law attorney...write this down: Rachel Baer, ###-###-####.

Save it in case you need it, but your first step is to talk to your husband and be totally honest about what you see, what your fears are, what he thinks needs to happen, and what you expect, because you obviously can't go on this way. If he will go for marriage counselling, that could be very helpful. He may be confused, but you both need to sort things out. If he won't do it with you, then go yourself, or share your burdens with a good friend. Be sure you are well-informed about your finances, because his secretiveness could spill over into that area. No matter what happens, you will recover and be stronger for the experience. Best wishes for a satisfactory resolution !

K.,

It sounds like your marriage has been "breaking down" for awhile. He is obviously the one breaking it down.

Something is definitely wrong for a husband to go online and "lead women on..........."something is wrong with him!

In my opinion, it doesn't necessarily matter what he is doing when he goes out...he is breaking vows of communication with you, and that is cheating in itself.

I can tell that you desperately love him. I am sorry for your pain. You need to to begin to strengthen up. It sounds like you will be going through some things, and this is just the beginning.

Remember who you are.........you are beautiful, loving, warm, obviously patient, and I'm sure there's many other things I don't know about! You need to re-gain your confidence in yourself right now! Your husband is taking advantage of you, and he's used to you allowing it. But now.....you need to show him who you really are!

Change your "tone in your voice". Always be firm, confident, and serious with him. NEVER be easy, uncertain, and forgiving.....he has burned you way too much for you to keep being forgiving.

Start taking control TODAY, K.. It sounds like you really want this to work, but you need to be prepared for him to not want your marriage to work. And if that's the case, PLEASE do not wither away as if it's your fault......you will need to maintain a strong "attitude" to get through the initial seperation, should it comes to that.

But for now, you should confront him again after trying your new "tone" for a couple of days. If all else fails, you can pack up and leave before he returns from his "excursion". Or, if you are strong enough, I would pack HIM up before he returns and tell him to get out until he starts acting the man you married!

Blessings and strength are sent to you K.!

~N. :o)

K.

Hi,
It sounds to me like you don't need any more confirmation of an affair. Funny thing is you already know if he is and you just have to decide what to do about it. No there is NOT a THING WRONG with YOU! The issue is his and his alone. It is not your fault, its not your issue to claim or feel guilty about. Men do this for so many different reasons but the one reason they do not cheat for is because something is wrong with their wife! That said, it sounds like there are many things going on. My advice to you is do not fight when he chooses to pick at whatever, instead, be very indifferent. If you want to eventually work this out, then you have to remove yourself in every way, by that, I mean start doing things for you and going places etc. just as if he isn't there. This will sometimes put a man back to the reality he is lost to. No matter what you do or do not want, refuse to fight about anything (really gets em')then again if divorce is something you feel yourself leaning toward then its already over and you need to move forward that way.
Best of luck to you and remember to stay strong.
God Bless

C.

Dear K.,
Are you married to my ex-husband by any chance?
Word for word for word....that was my story too.
First of all, there is not anything wrong with you and you are NOT crazy. Your husband is being deceitful and you know that he is. He is involved in some thing, or things, that he shouldn't be.
I caught my husband in so many lies and I confronted him, but he always turned it back around on me. With a vengeance. One day his office called, furious, because he had taken off and never come back. I tried to reach him on his cell all day. He finally showed up 5 hours after he should have been home that night. I asked him where he'd been. He said he'd worked all day and everyone in the office had decided to go out for drinks afterwards. When I told him I knew that wasn't the truth because the office had been calling all day looking for him, he FLIPPED and started shoving me around. He's big, I'm little, and I was terrified. He said I had no right to check up on him or question him because I was just jealous and insecure.
If I had a dollar for every time he told me I was crazy, I would be a very wealthy woman. My point is, I wasn't crazy, and neither are you. Confronting my husband did no good because he would just tell another lie on top of the first lie. I told him time and again, if he didn't get help or if things didn't change, I was leaving him. As if I'd issued a challenge, things got even worse and then he acted completely blindsided when I filed for divorce.
You know in your heart that something is wrong. You can feel it in your gut. Your husband will either admit what he's doing and get help, or he will deny it to the bitter end. But you have to ask yourself how much you can take. Leading women on in chat rooms? That is totally unacceptable. Taking off and staying out all night? Totally unacceptable. Finding excuses not to sleep with you? Totally unacceptable.
Your marriage can only be saved if he wants to put the work into it and start being honest. I knew my husband was having affairs, but 12 years later, he still insists I had no right or reason to leave him. 12 years later, he still lies about every single thing. My son, now 13 asks why he does that and I just tell him I don't really know.
Start keeping a journal of these things. Tax time is just around the corner. I waited until I knew all our stuff was ready for the accountant and snuck it to an attorney to have it copied and back before he even knew it was missing. That way, he couldn't hide anything. I filed my papers and was instructed to take half of one of our liquid bank accounts. It was all done done very simultaneously.
Whether you ever get proof that he's having an affair really doesn't matter at this point. California is a "no-fault" state, meaning you don't need proof of that to get a divorce. And you don't need proof of it to know that you are not happy.
I am not suggesting you get a divorce. That's a decision you have to make. But for me, I wanted a chance at being happy and I didn't want my kids in the middle of the turmoil anymore. He was being a lousy husband and a lousy father. I married a dud.
I think you should contact an attorney just to find out what your rights are and what the best way to protect yourself and your assetts is. My attorney thought that filing legal seperation first would scare him straight, but it didn't. And I actually had to get a restraining order against him.
I know it's really hard, but try to think logically and methodically. And while you are at work, try to concentrate on work as a way of taking your mind off of other things. You need that little mental break.
None of us wants to believe our husbands will be any less than supportive and perfect, but these things do happen. And it's not because you don't deserve better. It's him. It's not you. You can write me privately any time you want if you just need to vent or if you just need a pep talk.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and I'll hope that there can be a resolution to this that will benefit you all as a family. If it doesn't work out that way, you can find many people who have been in your shoes. You are not alone.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. I was one who could barely eat also. But you need your strength.
I wish you the very, very best.

Hi K. -

Seriously you need to confront him and then move on. You need to respect yourself and not allow him to do this to you or your child. There is no excuse for a married man to be online chatting with other women whether he says he is leading them on or not. It is plain wrong.

Years ago my first husband did the same thing like stay out on all night or not come home. I finally decided this was not something I wanted my two young boys (ages 4 and 7) at the time to not think was acceptable. Because it isn't. Your children survive believe me. My two sons are now 30 and 26 and I am re-married for almost 17 years.

It will be hurtful to begin with, but I will tell you what someone told me before my ex and I finally split. They told me it would be like a big weight being lifted off of you and you know what? It was! The night we split up I realized I did not have to worry about if and when he would come up and what excuse I would give the boys about why Daddy wasn't home.

You and your child deserve more than that! Be brave and move on.

R.

Hi K.,

First, this is not your fault. You asked "Is there something wrong with me?" Do not take on guilt. My first husband had a problem like this and it made me feel so guilty. Finally, when all was finished I realized it was him and I felt a great relief.

Can you sit down with him and tell him you want to talk about your problems? Ask him to be honest with you. My husband formed a relationship with a woman that was interested in only married men so she could just break up marriages. It was a game to her.

The is a movie that should be available at the end of January called "Fireproof". I'd highly recommend it to you and your husband.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

D.

K. first and foremost is to take care of you and your daughter. I have been through two divorces involving small children and it is really hard. The system is very out-dated and cumber-some and has no room for too many emotions. I suggest that you get a therapist involved right away. Find a Marriage & Family Therapist that can guide you through and help you keep things in perspective. The only time to consider the attorney is when all your other options have ran out. And a therapist can help keep things in perspective when divorce is the only option and children are involved. I wish that I had started with a marriage and family therapist in lieu of an attorney and I think my last divorce would have been easier on all of us and a marriage could have possibly been saved. After several years of my kids and I working with a therapist when my current husband and I were heading the wrong direction he helped us see the light. Sometimes the elephant in the room is hard to label. If you find out what the problem is the solution might be easier than you think. Once you find someone (and it may take a couple tries to find the right person) invite your husband to join you. Let him know that it is not necessarily to "fix" things it is just for guidance. It will help you in either direction, to remain married or to separate ways. Go in with an open mind and an open heart. Do this for yourselves and your daughter. You all deserve it. Look to your higher power to help you relax until you have help to figure out the right path. It works I swear to it. My husband and I were separated for a year and have recently moved back in together with the help of a therapist. And had we not worked out our marriage we were already headed down an amicable path of divorce because of the sessions. Your on my prayer list. Please consider my advice in lieu of lining an attorney's pockets with money. Getting a divorce without emotional preparation is expensive. I wish you all the best.

oh K.,

The evidence glares of an affair to me. Even if he isn't having a sexual affair, at the very least it sounds like he is having an emotional affair with a woman online. The Bible says if you think a lustful thought in your heart of another woman, you are committing adultery. The fact that he isnt sleeping with you - just that alone - sends up huge red flags. The fact that he would disrespect you so much as to admit he is chatting with other women and continues to do so right under your nose,... that's pretty callous. No, you are not crazy. If he isn't sleeping with some else or contemplating divorce now, he probably soon will be. There are MAJOR problems in your relationship.

I can reccommend a book "love must be tough" by James Dobson. Please go get this book. Amazon.com might have it used. It has all the advice you need from a counselor who's talked to hundreds of couples in your exact position. He has much GOOD advice for you on the subject.

There is a way to look up the history of what he is doing on the computer. I wish I knew how to do it, but you might google "how to look up internet history" and see what comes up. There might even be software you can buy that can help you keep track on what's being done on your computer.

Hi K. - I didn't read all the other responses, but I saw a lot of "confront him" advice and I personally wouldn't confront him until I had all my ducks in a row. I would consult with an attorney to find out what my options are, open a personal checking account and transfer some money, and open a credit card in only your name. This is in case you don't want to work things out or are not able to and divorce is inevitable. Once you confront him, it will be much much harder to get your ducks in a row as he'll be "on alert" and think about the fact that he may already have a retainer and be moving money around. Good luck - I will keep you in my thoughts!

Your request and the replies are bringing up a lot of emotions and hurtful memories for me. I'm sorry to hear you have been going through this hard time. Here are my thoughts: Before you confront your husband, get as much information as you can about his activities because once you confront him he will change his passwords, stop using his regular credit cards, and hide what he can. Check the address book in his cell phone for names to go with the phone records.

You will need a counselor/therapist at least for yourself, and preferably for both of you -- it can really help to have a third party facilitate discussion. I stopped counseling because of the cost and wish I hadn't because we separated and the divorce process (if you end up there) can be lengthy and difficult emotionally. In my case I became withdrawn and lost the support systems I had early on.

I do think it helps to know your legal rights. I hadn't been working at a real job in almost ten years and although the system is out of date there are still rights to financial support if your husband has been the primary wage earner. By investigating his activities you may get an idea of what his problem is -- an affair, gambling, drug use, homosexuality, mental illness, etc. He should also have a good physical. We tried mediation and it was not successful and are now using attorneys to negotiate a divorce settlement. For referrals, ask friends to put you in touch with divorced and separated women they know -- these new contacts will be part of your new support system.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong! Email me at ____@____.com if you would like to talk.

Dearest K.,
My heart is with you during this difficult time. You are going to get a lot of advice but I feel you've recieved the best from Nicole so far, she is right on.
Bottom line as a human with emotions and dignity you deserve more, and your family deserves more. Do not get caught up in what you could have done or should have, if he is having the affair then he is the one who has done the damage to you and to the family.
He needs to Man Up and be a Man and a Father.
Affairs are very selfish acts, and marriages can survive them. But he must become a man first and seek help. You are not crazy, and girl, I am so sorry.
If I were you I'd print out the emails and keep them with you for strength.
I know you are a wonderful person to care so much. Be strong.

He is lying to you, chatting online with women and says it ok since he is also lying to them, picks fights , stays out all night, doesn't sleep with you. What could be worse than all these? And why would you want a man like that? It has nothing to do with you and no matter what he says it is not your fault. You do need to see a counselor and a good attorney. I am glad you have a job. Whether or not he is having an affair is beside the point. There is something drastically wrong with him and he needs help, but it is unlikely you will want him in your life or your daughter's life....Good luck and do get on with your life

Hi K.:
Unfortunately, you already know the answer to your questions. The hardest thing is getting him to give you the truth. I believe the only thing you can do is prepare yourself and plan to either move out or tell him that you know what he is doing and as much as you love him, for your sanity it is time to separate and go on.
I assume you have children together? Are you capable of taking care of yourself and them alone? Do you have a strong support group?
If you can be calm and rationale one of these days, ask him to sit down with you and just be honest with one another and say it is the least that you can do as friends and spouses. If he is unwilling even to do that, then it is time to get out.
I have some names of divorce attorneys but use that as your last resort, unless of course, you are already there.
Good luck and stay in touch.
T.

Dear K.,

Everyone has had such great ideas about being realistic that something is going on. My part is to say that your husband could be involved with drugs/alcohol or gambling, could be developing a mental illness, or could be having affairs (real or on-line) to fill some need. I would advise going to a therapist yourself, especially if he keeps denying or puts you off. You need support and care now and for some rocky time ahead dealing with whatever is going on. Perhaps it is good you have not had a sex life for a bit because if he has been physically unfaithful, he will probably not have protected you. I would want to have a checkup with my physician, too.

Your relationship may not be over and may be able to be healed, but honestly for you and for him is now imperative. Talking with a lawyer lets you know your rights, even if you decide that is not the way you want to go eventually. Try to keep your kids out of this until you have a handle on what is happening. Many time people tell their family and friends and then if they decide to try to work things out there can be a lot of angry feelings from others that can cause a lot of stress. I work as a relationship and sexuality therapist, so I've seen these issues before.

Good luck, K..

L.

K.,

I know you are probably an emotional wreck and I am in no way in a "PERFECT" relationship. We have our problems just like any other relationship.
I would ask your husband if he wanted a divorce because he is disrespecting you by chatting up women on the internet. I can't believe he is using an excuse like "I am just leading them on". I think you should just divorce him unless he is willing to work on your marriage and so are you. This is a big decision so make sure you think long and hard what would ultimately be good for you and your family. Good luck and I am truly sorry.

I was cutting him slack, thinking maybe he was working on a nice Christmas present surprise for you...until you got to the part of him chatting online with other women and not sleeping in your bed. There's NO reason to chat online with other women - even if he's "just leading them on". Hogwash! Even if this were true, it's still disrespectful to you! You're not paranoid, but I don't know how you go about confirming your fears. Sorry and good luck!

Next time he leaves change the locks.

hi, sure sounds fishy,sorry. you had better find out for sure. I wish u the best and hang in there.HOpe both of you can put your daughter first and make things easy for her.take care

Hi K., I've never done this before either but I had to respond because I am going through the same thing, I ignored the signs for as long as I could until I actually saw a woman driving his car. I fallowed her and she told me he told her we were seperated. I made him leave and told him he needed counseling before he could come back. He did and was doing well and I let him back in knowing that affair was over, then another girl and another came forward because through therapy he had ended these relationships. One of them lasted our entire marriage-3 years. So, again I made him leave until he can prove I can trust him. He lost his job and had no money and I could see he was trying hard so again he is at home. We've been together for 18 years so it's not so easy to just walk away. But if your husband is not willing to get help and is not remorseful then you can expect it to happen again. I'm so sorry you're going through this,it sucks. It helps to get proof somehow and confront him with it then get a hold of her and tell her the truth. Then make him go to counseling with you to prove he wants to make it work. If he doesn't then it's not worth saving and putting yourself through hell. As for me I don't know if I can get over this and ever trust him again. It will be a long road. I hope your situation is different. If this is his first affair and it's only been going on a month then you have a good chance but take care of it now. Good luck your-not alone.

Hi K.,
I am truely sorry to read what is going on in your marriage, I can't begin to imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel. I am supporting my father who is going through a very messy divorce for almost 3 yrs now. I have gained a little knowledge. The first thing I recommend you do is hire a private investigator to confirm your suspicion. You will want to have some evidence to back up the accusation that he is cheating. I strongly recommend trying to settle outside of court through meidiation, it is much less ugly and it will be over much faster. Plus, you won't have to deal with attorneys and the coury system, which will drag things much longer than needed (unfortunately, some will drag it out soley for financial gain). If your husband will not give you what you feel intiled to in meidiation, seek out an family law attorney, but really do your research (we're on # 3). If it is proven that he is cheating and you have evidence to back that, he has voilated his fiduciary duty to you as a spouse and will very likely have to pay out of pocket for that. As for attorney fees, while interveiwing them explain your situation. Some will work and get paid from the settlement, or it is also very possible your husband will have to provide the finances for your council.
Best of luck to you, stay strong!
Happy holidays,
B.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not crazy, he is. Confront him on his behaviors. All of what you say is abnormal, inappropriate marital behavior. Then get into marriage counseling if you think there's a chance of making a change, and if you could ever trust him again. Even if he won't go to counseling, get yourself a good counselor to help you through this tough situation and help you stay strong.

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom Be Yours,
A.

Lay it on the line with him. Ask him and tell him your suspicions. A lot of the time if you ask he will tell you or you will be able to tell he is lying. It definately sounds like he is doing something wrong. I would talk to him and based on the conversation decide what to do. If there are children involved I would also think about what effect this will have on them and keep any arguments, discussions, proceedings on the down low. Good luck

Red flags red flags! You do need to confront your husband first and foremost, and like the other poster said... do it noncronfrontationally. If you feel like you can't trust what he is saying then maybe hire a PI to follow him. I am an online woman and that is how I met my current boyfriend. UNbeknownst to me he was married, but he did leave his wife for me (unhappy marriage before I even showed up) and our affair had led to our son.
The fact that he won't sleep in bed with you is a big red flag for me since that is what my bf did with his wife. They used to fight a lot and he would take off.. a few times he drove the 2 hours to come see me and I could never understand why he was so angry. I was just oblivious.
Online cheating is SO easy and is SO readily available. Most the men who go on there are looking for something other than just friends.
Good luck to you and I hope that your suspicions are wrong! :(

K.-
This must be very awful for you. It seems very likely that he is betraying your trust. You are not crazy nor is there something wrong with you. He lied to you and his behaviors are at odds with your relationship.
Like others have mentioned, I strongly suggest counseling first. Stand firm and accept no excuses on his part.
Also, take care of yourself - you are in a state of shock and you need to be kind to yourself.
If it is very important to find out the truth and all the details, you can hire an investigator or do some of your own investigation (look closer at phone records and web site visit history)
Best to you

I have lived this same thjing and it is most lkely an affair. Confront hi on it and tell him you know and pressure him until he tells you. You do not have to live like this.

Hello K.,

I feel for you. I have been married for 7 years and have gone through the roller coaster. My husband had a myspace, promoting at night clubs and hanging out with a lot of young single guys. He was staying out late and making excuses I was starting to feel the way you do and so I put my foot down. I sat him down one night and told him how I was feeling I cried, I got angry, I even threw my lap top at him and told him to STOP or I was out!

I gave him an option. See we have a daughter (6) and I have two step sons 17 and 15 which live with us. My husband travelings to LA a lot for work and tends to party with that scene leaving me at raise the kids on my own. I started reading self help books that my mother gave me to build my self confidence and hope that I could find my way.

After many arguments and hurt feelings I started packing up my things I took all the pics off the walls an started putting things in boxes, I called the boys' mother and explained that she may need to take the boys until my husband could get on his feet with out me. I called the landlord and told him that I would give my noitce and as much as I love my 4 bedroom home I couldn't keep it. I looked at apartments and made sure it was known. I was having a hard time at work I was stressed, not eating and just plain worried what was I going to do? I loved my husband and just wanted my life back.

He could not believe that I was really leaving he broke down he thought i was just throwing one of my fits and that if he ignored me I would get over it. Instead it gave me the strength I needed to move forward.

I have read your story time and time again and as my mother told me, "you have no proof of cheating YET but is the life you have right now the life you want your daugther to have, she is learning from you and will choose a man as you have".

We are strong women and even though we struggle with what the outcome might be you DESERVE the best life has to offer even if that means being alone for a little while.

Ask yourself do you really need the proof of the affair to want better? I agree with the others about an attorney maybe confront him first with the option of divorce and see if he wants one. Tell him that if the tables were turned would he stay and if not why should you? Trust me I have asked myself these same questions... If you need to talk I am always here.

I hope you all the best and know that you are never alone!

L.

Call Dr. Laura on weekdays between 12 and 3. I think she will say if you think he is having an affair, he is. Her advice is good. She does not like to break up families for the children's sake but it depends on the individual situation. She may have some ideas for you.

The signs are there, hire a PI to follow him. Someone told me her man would come & run to take a shower & not touch her. My friend told me his wife started acting different & he didn't know why. She moved out,but I had a talk with him about it. His behavior is what made her leave, don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy. Leading girls on is not right. Its expensive to put a device on his car to follow him. Try not to stress out as much. When I was with a guy, he left me alone alot to get drunk & come home late. I was depressed the whole time. Try not to worry, do something to distract yourself. Less fighting you do, the better. It will take alot out of you worrying about him. If he smells, somethings up. When he's asleep, check through his car if you can, or the trash for anything incriminating. Couples were aren't happy lead to divorce. I hope things change for you. G.

K.

I read some, but not all of the postings. My advice is follow your instincts and trust yourself. His behavior is not acceptable. Ask yourself "Do I want to stay married?" Can you forgive him and trust him even if he stops? Get a lawyer and file for seperation (even if you're not sure you want a divorce--the legal seperation will help to protect you). That way if he makes stupid financial decisions you can cover your rear. Don't move out--make him move out, especially if you own a house together. Take stock of all your finances. Look at bank statements, call to check into his retirement accounts and any credit accounts. Most of all protect yourself and your children financially so you can continue on with your life.

Also, do not have sex with him until you are sure he has not contracted any STDs and you know for sure you are going to stay married. You don't want to get sick or pregnant while you are trying to figure things out.

Best of luck to you during this trying time. Stand tall and be strong.

J.

First, try counseling- especially if you have kids. Even if it turns out for the worst, you will need to communicate as you share parenting responsibilities and at if counseling can't save your marriage hopefully it can save your co-parenting relationship. Good luck, sorry you are goung through this!!

Leading them on... OMG, what the heck is he doing talking to women online in the first place! He is married. I would definitely be talking to an attorney. Since he is not sleeping with you anymore, it is pretty obvious.

If you are in Sacramento, I used a fabulous attorney years ago. I was actually in Texas and the attorney I had was an idiot to say the least and I found this gal. She is beyond fabulous... Kristine Cummings on Madison Avenue in Carmichael, I believe. It might not be Carmichael, but I'm sure she is easy to find.

I am so sorry and I wish you the best.

You've had a lot of great responses, and I agree that you need to "confront" him, but not by asking for the truth. That just gives him a chance to deny or turn it back on you. You already know the truth: his behavior is not acceptable. It doesn't matter what else he's done: the unexplained late nights, the refusal to sleep with you, the picking fights with you, and the "leading women on" online are all unacceptable. Tell him this, calmly, and ask him to be a good husband and father or leave. No questions, no opening the door for excuses. Tell him if he doesn't, you will leave. Today. You deserve better from your spouse, and you have a choice. You have to take control of this situation, not by controlling his behavoir (you can't), but by controlling your own.

God give you strength!

K.,
Absolutely not insane! You would be insane not to be terribly concerned about the behavior of your husband. Maybe you should locate a good divorce attorney and find out your rights and rules of separation or divorce. Then, you could calmly (and that is critical) inform your husband of the steps you are going to be taking to end your marriage. Being very matter of fact about it is key. You could also focus on how he'll be missing out on. In particular, you can act as if you're interested in his happiness and point out how devastated he'll be not to be parenting his child and seeing her grow up. I think sometimes people don't think about all the things they'll be losing. They're too emotional and one-dimensional in their focus. This could hopefully gently prod his brain to think about the inclusive price he'll be paying if he continues down this road.
I really am sorry to hear about your troubles. I think, however, that being strong and non-emotional about your plans and always talk to him very rationally and calmly. I know that is an incredibly hard thing to do. Of course he deserves to be yelled and screamed at. But, the goal is to find the best resolution for you and your daughter. I think that straightforwardness and firmness and a certain amount of detachment is key. Best of luck!
If I can help in any way, please feel free to email me @ ____@____.com.
Regards,
D.

First I would say that you are not crazy and you are not over reacting. As for your husband. It is completely inappropriate for him to be online talking to women, especially leading them on (as he says). It's also not okay for him to be out all night all the time.

If this is the first real problem that has arisen in your marriage, I would suggest telling your husband what you think is going on and tell him that you want to get marriage counseling (if you are interested in trying to fix the problem). But you will have to be totally honest with yourself in evaluating the past years of your marriage to decide if this is really the first time something like this has come up.

Good luck!

Sad to say but no, you are not crazy, it sounds like all the signs of an affair. And he says he's just "leading them on???!!!!??" That's sick!!!! But that's the least of your problems.

My ex-husband had affair(s) on me too, and in hindsight all the signs were there and it should have been obvious. I read a magazine article once on the telltale signs of an affair and I could have checked off every one of them (new clothing/hair, husband incommunicado, change in sex habits, etc. etc.)

If a divorce is your answer to this, then you'd better start planning quick, and figure out how to hoard a little money.

You could try taking him to counseling etc., but I'm guessing from what you say of his behavior that he won't want to go and he probably has no interest in changing his behavior. He sounds like a jerk.

Sorry you have to go through this.

Hi K.,
First, document everything on paper. What day did he lie, what did he say, etc. Go onto his computer and print out the chats he is having with other women. If you are in CA or another community property state, that computer is half yours anyway. You may never need these documents, but if you end up going to court, you will be glad you have evidence of his behavior. He has violated your trust and is being emotionally abusive, imo, so don't feel bad about going on to his computer. To be blunt, I don't think you need to know if he is cheating on you. You already know that he lied to you, he is picking fights with you, he no longer sleeps in your bed, and he "leads women on" (at best) online. That is not a healthy relationship. You are not crazy for fearing the worst, and I think what you already know is bad enough. If I were you (which I know I am not), I would tell him that the two of you need to start marriage counseling starting *now* -- as in the next week or two -- or the marriage is over. Then you need to stick with that. I think this is going easy on him. Something else to consider, and I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes people act in a passive aggressive way to end relationships. They will push and push the other person so that the other person will end the relationship because they don't have the guts to do it themselves. If your husband wants to save the marriage, he will go with you to counseling. If he is not willing to work on his issues, either purely his own or with the relationship, there is nothing you can do to change his behavior -- nothing. His behavior is his responsibility, not yours, and you cannot change another person. Only he (with professional help) can change himself. Don't fall for his saying that he will change but not going to counseling. There are clearly major issues that require professional help. If he refuses, get out of this marriage now, not after spending another ten years in relationship hell. It's not good for you or any children. You might want to get some advice from an attorney even before giving your husband an ultimatum, but do both soon. I almost never suggest ultimatums, but his behavior is so bad that I think you are going above and beyond giving him any chance at all. You deserve better, even if you do not believe it right now. If you do not believe you deserve better, seeing your own counselor could help you get to the bottom of why you feel that way and help you realize that you do deserve more. When you give him an ultimatum, though, be prepared for him to refuse and then move forward with retaining an attorney, etc. If you cave, you will have lost all your power, and I fear his behavior will only get worse. I apologize for the "tough love" tone of my post. To my outside perspective, it is clear that your relationship is seriously unhealthy and either needs to change asap, which will only be possible with a counselor, or end. The thought of someone staying with a man who is behaving this way is tough to stomach. I know he has his good qualities or you would not have married him. However, no amount of good is enough for you to put up with his current behavior. I wish you the best.

I think you may have already answered your own questions. Your title is "may need a good divorce attorney".. Please do not let yourself stay in a relationship that is bad. But, try some counseling, and if he does not go for that, try asking him if you can come along with him when he goes out. Or ask him if you can sleep on the couch with him. See what he says. Sorry for your pain.

You are not crazy for fearing the worst if he is chatting on line with different women. First of all, I would ask him. Maybe he'll be honest and let you know. If that doesn't work then, if possible, maybe you can hire a PI to follow him, you can do it yourself- take a day off or something, or you can have a trusted friend do it for you. Find out the facts and get proof first before you accuse him.

I am sorry for your troubles! If you think you want to save your marriage, then I think you need to talk to him frankly about your suspicions. Try not to be accusatory, but question huis behavior: why out so late, why separate rooms? Does he want to try to work it out? instead of "I know you are cheating." Tell him that you have been fearing the worst and ask him what you and he can do to strengthen your relationship (if that is what you want) or if he wants to find a new place to live and get on with your separate lives. If you do decide not to work on the marriage, you should file for separation right away to protect your assets and credit. I sense that you think it is an affair because of the online stuff, but maybe he has a gambling addiction or something else going on? Best of luck to you. You have a rough road ahead... and it does not sound like you are crazy! Please don't be too hard on yourself!!!

I know your request for help is a few weeks old but I just ran accross it and wanted to express my symphathy. It is not okay for your husband to "just lead them on." That is sick and a violation of your marriage vows. I hope things have turned around and your life is more enjoyable. May God bless and keep you and your family.

K. - this must be a very difficult time for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, there's probably NOTHING anyone can tell you that you don't already know... Right? Your instinct is telling you something is not right. And your feelings are completely valid. Only you know the right way to approach this... Every situation is different. Depends on what you want the outcome to be. You hubby may deny everything till he's blue in the face. So, it's just a matter of "actions speak louder than words". Go with your gut and do what is best for YOU! Any decision you make will NOT be easy.
All my best.

Hi K.. It looks like you have a lot of good advice here already and a lot of options to consider. It sounds like this has started pretty recently - maybe things can be worked out. Do not take it out on yourself if it can't. Please stay strong for yourself and your daughter. Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck to you.

K.,

Unfortunately you know the answer to the cheating question. Now you need to decide what you are going to do about it. If this were me and I already had my husband on the computer flirting up many women, out all night, sleeping on the couch and picking fights with me so he could walk out I would pack up my kids and leave. See how he reacts when he comes home and you're gone. If he wakes up then good the two of you can move forward if he is relieved and was just waiting for you to make the move and walk out so he doesn't have to feel guilty then why would you want to be with someone like that in the first place.

You don't need to catch him in the act to know that his disrespect, lack of compasion and complete lack of your feelings is enough to tell you that his actions are unacceptable and not something anyone should put up with. The sooner you leave and take control of the situation the better you will feel in the long run. Don't let him torture you any longer.

Hire a Private Investigater and find a good lawyer. I can give you a referal for an attourney in Grass Valley/Nevada City area.

T.

I am kind of going through the same thing you are going through right now and it really sucks. You know when you have these gut feelings in your stomach and they don't go away. You know it's got to be true. So my advice to you is to protect yourself in every way shape or form. So it would be a good idea to go see a legal advisor for yourself and your kids. Protect you and your kids from any type of bad emotions. Hope everything turns out the best for you and your kids.
Rocky

Hi K., I am sorry. I know the feeling. Does your husband work? Have you flat out asked him about what you thought was happening? My husband had an affair 8 years ago. It was the worst time in my life. So many lies. He would leave early in the morning, come home late at night. I found several things on the internet that were not right for a married man. At one point, he flew across the country to meet up with her, because he was worried that she was going to contact me. When I found out where he was, I told him to turn around and come home, which he did. He then confessed to everything. Of course it was all about him. He swears that the affair was only a one weekend thing when he had to go out of town on business. It was more of an emotional affair that turned into more. I took away the cell phone that he had, got all of his "secret email address", he left the job that he was in, and basically did everything in his power to save this marriage. There are so many ways to find out things now. You can put spyware on the computer. You can also get a gps tracking system and put it in his car. I of course learned about this just recently. I don't know how bad you want to save your marriage, but some people do well with counseling. What I did, was open a page of the phone book, and start writing down divorce attorneys. It took him awhile to know that I was serious. Things have been better now. We had been married 19 years when this happened. It really was the worst time in my life. I had friends who told me to leave, but I couldn't throw away all those years. I am glad I stuck with it. I do think he realized what he could have lost. I know that time heals, but it takes along time. Good luck to you, I really hope things work out.