I am going to try to put this as delicately as possible. My hubby is great in many ways, however, he turns into a bear when he gets sick. Case in point, he just went through a kidney stone, which, I understand, is about as close a man can get to childbirth as possible. Very painful. Well, I tried to be the caregiver he needed, however, whatever I did was not good enough. This lasted about 5 days. It was horrible. I did not complain, I tried to be at his beck and call, rearranging my schedule, taking care of the kids, etc. I got very tired, plus it was that time of the month, and all of this was very draining. Finally, I got tired of his yelling and snapped back. He then basically cut me off from taking care of him, giving me the silent treatment, etc. Finally, effective last night, he is almost back to "normal". He feels unappreciated and uncared for. I am a little resentful, because I feel he didn't appreciate all I did while he was sick. I don't want to make this more of an issue than it already has been, so my question to all of you is this...actually two questions. First, are all of your husband's like this? and secondly, is there a way I can humble myself and put his needs before mine in this situation? Thanks!
Wow, still getting responses! :) Well, right now, all is pretty good. My husband and I are having some "communication issues" right now, so we have emailed each other. He emailed me and told me the stuff that was hurting him, I emailed him back regarding all the "abuse" I took while he was sick. We haven't addressed our emails face to face, but both of us have seemed to take what the other one wrote to heart. So, hopefully, the next time he is feeling poorly, I am going to do my best to talk to him first regarding his needs and expectations and then explain to him what I can take and not take. I need to pray a lot...and keep remembering my vows "in sickness and in health". Thanks for all the replys, and the personal messages too. You are all helpful in sharing your experiences and stories.
YES! My husband is like this! He does not let me care for him then he acts mad that I did not take care of him. Even worse, if "I" get sick he won't help me with the baby- I have to care for my daughter even when I have a fever of 103.9 and then since I am sick - he acts like HE too is sick.
As far as how to fix it- Im going to be reading any advise you get!
@}~>~~
my husband, as I classify him, is my first child. He's very needy, even when not sick. Men just don't get it.
No, my hubby is not like this, but I'm sure many people are. All you simply do is talk to him and tell him just what you wrote above. You are sorry you snapped, but at the same time you wish he didn't just think of that, what about the 5 days of care before that. The only reason you need to bring this up is because he is obviously feeling hurt by it, so you need to communicate. You have every reason to feel the way you do, it is hard to do everything for everyone else, it would be nice for that to be acknowledged. This is definately one of those things that has to be cleard and closed out between the two of you. If not, it will just fester and re-appear even more ugly than before. Just talk!
First, you have the right to be treated with respect no matter whether the individual is sick or not. You also teach people how to treat you. If you continue to accept him acting attrociously toward you he will continue to do it because it is what is working for him. Would you accept this behavior from a friend? Then why would you allow it in your home? Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior no matter of whether or not the person is sick. This may sound harsh but someone once told me, If you don't want to be walked on get off the floor! I'm sure you teach your children to be respectful, but if they continue to see such nonesense from their father, this is how they will come to expect to be treated.
It sounds like you need to let your husband know you have needs too!! I think its pretty insensitive of him to treat you like that when you are bending over backwards trying to help the man. Tell him you are sorry he is sick but you are doing everything possible to alleviate his pain. If this doesn't work, maybe the doctor can get him some pain pills. It sounds like you are putting your needs above his already and he should respect(not belittle) you for doing it.
This did make me laugh. Not at you, but at our husbands. I'm not patient when it comes to adults who are dramatic, especially when they are sick. I want to tell them to snap out of it and handle it like an adult. When it comes to my kids I'm totally different and my husband has even pointed that out. If an adult is having major health problems I'll do anything I can to help them. But just don't whine about it!
So a few months ago I was in a car accident that left me in terrible back pain and I was miserable. I had to see a chiropractor and go through painful massage therapy. I was there twice a week for 10 weeks. My dh really pitched in and took me to almost every appointment, helped a ton around the house, did some of the grocery shopping or brought dinner home, etc.
So last week he got sick with a really bad case of the flu. He had the cold, sore throat, body aches, sweats, fever, etc. He was soooooooooo dramatic about it. I'm laughing now but he about drove me nuts with the, "I'm dying" comment over and over. You would have thought he'd just had open heart surgery. BUT! I felt I should do everything to help him because 1. He was a huge help to me and 2. I knew he'd throw it in my face if I didn't, lol.
Anyway, when we're tired and grumpy we're going to say and do things that we shouldn't. Your husband was hurting and grumpy. You were tired and grumpy. It happens. I would just explain that to him and say next time BOTH of you will handle it better.
My husband did get grumpy with the kids the other day from this. I told him I understood he was really sick but that was not a reason to take it out on the kids. He agreed and stopped snapping.
OH, I also remember a time when my mom walked through heavy snow to the store to get a chocolate candy bar for my dad because he insisted that would make his sore throat feel better!
My husband had surgery on his knee last year. He truely could not puit any weight on his leg for about the first 2 weeks. Our bed is very high, and the crutches were not always easy to get at, so I would have to physically help him out of bed. He was taking a lot of pain medicine and woke several times in the middle of the night. He was very barky and unappreciative. I just kept telling myself he is a new baby. We don't bark or be ugly to our babys when they first come home and wake every couple of hours. How much more should we care for our husbands who gave us those babys. Just buy him a card, put it on his pillow. or mail it to him at work. Be cute and tell him that you love him. Men are created by God with an instinct to be the provider, it is hard for them when they can't. You will get through it.
how's this for you? my husband didn't even take the day off work (or even come home early) the day i went in for surgery to have my tubes tied...my mother came over to take me to the hospital and my grandmother came to watch our children. however, when his dad needed a ride home from the airport...he took off from work at lunch. most men are insensitive pigs. and he wonders why we are having so many problems in our relationship lately and why i don't care to spend time around him much anymore.
my hubby is a big baby when he gets sick. you are not alone. i f yiu figure out the humbling thing, please let me know. i loose my cool after about 3 days.
Yes, I think all men are like this. I think that they will always want us to be their mothers. The only advise I have is at the first sign of a sniffle, hold your breath and go along for the ride. I just keep telling myself "for sickness and for health". The best of luck to you!
I am the mother of two, a husband and a 12 year old son.
sorry to be blunt here but 1)yes, all men are like this when they are sick or in pain, why? you ask! let me tell you it's because almost all men revert to babies when it comes to pain, and because they were not built to handle pain like we are lol! :) you should see my hubby when he's in pain, OMG watch out! :-D
2)just be a mommy and treat him as one of your children when he's sick and in pain, and if it gets this way again just take it in stride and let it roll off your back, because there's not much else you can do...
good luck with everything! :-)
I am just reading your responses and I have to laugh because I have always had the same problem with my husband when he is sick or hurt. My mom told me men were babies when they got sick (including my dad) and I just couldn't understand why. But these responses prove it once and for all. Men are babies when they get sick and us women will just have to learn how to deal with them. Good luck to you and all women with sick "babies"!!!
K., It's easy for me to laugh at this now because THIS TIME it's not my husband. But it's like reading my own story. My mother says the same about my dad. My mother-in-law says the same about my father-in-law. There is an old (I think) Saturday Night Live skit about a couple in a delivery room in a hospital. She's in agony during labor, and he gets a hangnail. He starts yelling and says, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PAINFUL THIS IS! Kind of sums it up.
I truly believe that the powers-that-be (God, etc.) knew EXACTLY what they were doing when they chose women to carry and deliver babies rather than men. We are stronger. They may be able to pick up boxes that we can't, but that's about the only thing they excel in as far as strength.
Men are the BIGGEST babies when they are sick. They have no concept of thought about how much we went through in labor, they aren't generally as good about 'stepping up' when we are sick and need more help around the house and with the kids. I just don't believe it's 'built in' the same as it is with women.
It's hard for me to not strangle my husband sometimes, especially when he's sick and whining like a child. But I have to try to remember that most women I know say their men are the same way, or that they are MUCH worse.
My mother taught me something important that I used to think was SO mean until I was a wife myself and learned that it was effective and true. When my dad was sick (whether it was a sinus infection or Graves' Disease... he covered it all!), he would moan, groan, and complain. My mother would tell him, I don't need to feel sorry for you. You feel sorry enough for all of us. Sad, but true.
I say the same thing to my husband now. Sometimes he gets a little pissy about it. Most of the time he ignores me. Sometimes he agrees.
Be glad you're raising two future WOMEN. I've got two future MEN that are going to burden some poor woman someday! ;-)
Kidding on that part... mostly.
Good luck. I hope you BOTH get some peace and good health for a while!
I had the same problem with my husband a while back in which I built up a lot of resentment.
Upon research, I found out everyone needs to enforce "boundaries" to prevent feeling resentful. In other words your needs are important along with other people, even when they are sick.
These personal boundaries are God given and are appropriate to have. You need to analyze how you feel and what your limit is in taking care of your husband when he is sick. When you have established your limit you can describe it in the form of a boundary to him.
Tell him something like: I love you but I have needs also. I will rearrange my schedule to THIS POINT and that will be all. I will bring you aspirin during these hrs of the day and only if you are considerate to me. I will determine if you are considerate because I know how I feel and what type of courtesy I like to have in my life.
Expect him to get mad, make you feel guilty, tell you that you are not a good person etc.
But stick with your boundary. And most of all ENFORCE IT.
This therapy can be used in all kinds of daily situations also.
Here's a good resource with lots of info:
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/videoserver/video.php?clip=C...
Or type in "Boundaries" in your search engine.
God bless
My Husband turns into a big baby when he is sick. Even a minor cold. I take care of him but, yes after awhile he gets on my nerves, and yes sometimes nothing is right or good enough. But when he gets better I tell him what a pain he was and how hard it was to take care of him. He always says he is sorry and thanks me for taking such good care of him and for putting up with him. I think most men are like that. I know my Dad isn't but a couple of my sister in laws told me that my brothers are the same way. So, yep, it's a man thing. But with each illness he gets better. I guess telling him what a pain he is when he is sick is finally improving his attitude when sick. Just let him know that you have things to do besides take care of him and be treated bad. Stand up for yourself.
My suggestion would be to ask him "What can I do to make you more comfortable at this time?" But yes, men need more attention than women when they are ill (or at least they think so). I am a 71 year old woman who was married to a wonderful man who became terminally ill and I took care of him for 2 years and continued to run a business. Not an easy task. But I learned that cradling him just like a baby did more good than anything else I could have done. As Moms and wives, women learn to manage several tasks and endure pain much better than men when it comes to physical pain.
Hang in there, this probably will not be the last time this happens.
Hi K.,
Oh, dear, I can certainly relate and you are NOT alone. I have this problem, even when he's not sick. And I think a lot of men are like this, maybe from insecurity? being spoiled as children? who knows? But when he gets like that I wait it out and he cheers up.
Good luck; everything is a learning experience we grow from, right?
take care,
L.
