Husband Is an Internet Addict

Hello,
My husband is Active duty Army and yes he likes to come home and relax and maybe play a game or watch a movie with me. But he isn't addicted to the internet. I have never had this problem you are having. I would suggest maybe get it dis-connected for a while and see what happens then. If he like the computer that much maybe he can get a game to play without having to be on the internet. Also since you know about computers maybe you can go in and block those sites he goes too. It may help to confront him that you know he is going it. If he doesnt believe you then just name some sites off to him that he goes too. He might think yo are a fool and don't know. I know you are not a fool but he needs to know that as well. Ask him what he wants from you emotionally or sexually. He might think you know but in reality you don't. I hope everything works out for you.

I don't think you're overreacting. In my opinion, cheating with online sex is not all that different than actual cheating and could easily lead to it. He needs to accept responsibity for what he is doing and get some more couseling or something.

No, I don't think you're overreacting. He should not be chatting with other women in a sexual matter at all. This sort of behavior if allowed to continue could lead to worse. If he was just occasionally looking at women I wouldn't be concerned, but looking or chatting with them a lot is reason for concern. I know you have been through counseling already, but I really think that's what he needs again if you are unable to solve the problem yourselves. Try going to somebody else and really find the root of his problem so he can overcome it. This is a problem that your husband is having and it is in no way your fault.

I see no harm in letting your husband talk online to other woman while your in the Air Force just as long as he dosen't cheat on you. By the way thank you for helping save our countrty.

DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! I have never actually had to deal with this problem before but in my opinion, he is cheating. And once a cheater, always a cheater (sorry if I offend anyone saying this!). And him trying to blame you by saying that you don't have enough sex is ridiculous! Good luck and sorry if I didn't help more!

TO me whether you go online or phone calls to sex chat lines.. is a form of cheating. He is cheating mentally. I had this problem (not when I was preg) with mine. We talked about it and I told him how it made me feel and how it looked to me.

I think that if he (your hubby) can't control himself then he has to continue to seek help (counselor) if he wants you in his life. I also believe that he has to be more vocal about his needs/wishes regarding sex. I know that some womens sex drive goes up when preg, mine didnot.. and my husband said that i was even more attractive when i was preg.. I told him to stay off those damn drugs.. cause we all know sometimes we just don't feel that way.

Bottom line-- this is something that you have to either search your heart & soul and possibly talk to a counselor and see if this something you want to accept if he doesn't change his ways. But again my opinion is you need to give him the option and chance to change...

Hi,

I've read the posts with advice for you and want to mention something that wasn't mentioned by anyone else. It's not okay if you find it disrespectful. Someone who loves you and respects you will not do that to you if you do not approve. I think that marraige is the most precious bond, and if someone doesn't feel the same way, it is obvious. You take care of yourself, your child and your one on the way. You'll be okay and your children will respect that you stand up for yourself.

PS: It doesn't matter what your husband does for a living, respect is respect. My husband is in the Army and I would be insulted if he did that to me.

M.-

If you don't want a divorce, you should at least separate from this man. And don't give into the idea that just because you're not having "enough" sex that he "has to" go onto those sites. Sex is desingned to bring husband and wife closer, not just satisfy physical desire. Your husband needs councelling and needs to treat his internet problem like any other addiction. In wedding vows we pledge to "forsake all others" and that includes pornography, sex chats and the like. You are not to blame for your husband's problems. And if sex has become a source of stress, then it isn't any fun for you, either. You may have to buckle down, kick him out and cut him off, for his own good as well as your own. And think of your daughter... she doesn't need to be accidentally exposed to any of this either.

If your husband is chatting with other women, and he's unrepentant in the fact, blaming you and expecting you to jump through the hoops to satisfy his overactive sex drive, then I'd say no. You are not overreacting by wanting a divorce.

Keep hanging in there and do what is best for you and your child (and the baby-to-be). Best of luck to you.

B.

M.,

My heart goes out to you. Your husband has an addiction. There is nothing YOU can do to change it. It is something he has to want to stop. You could give him sex three times a day and it would not fix it (trust me - I have been there). There are books out there on ########### addiction. Educated yourself - knowledge is power. Then before you jump to divorce see what he is willing to do. Does he want to change? Is he willing to go to an addiction recovery group and counseling?

Also, we installed Net Nanny (www.netnanny.com) and that has been great. It helps protects him from slipping up when he feels weak.

Dear M.,

It sounds like you have done your part now, except you need to stop being concerned about his internet visits. You now have to give him time to readjust, and you need a rest from worry.

C. N.

I was curious how you look to see where someone has been if you dont' have a history on the computer? My ex-husband was an adult site addict too. He would wipe out the history and I never could figure out how to find the sites. I want to know these things for future reference so I can be more cautious the next time.

He's blaming HIS problems on you. My ex did the same thing and continues to do the same thing of not taking responsibility for ANYTHING that he does. Your husband might also try getting overly angry at you to divert the blame back onto you. Men can be very sneaky with all their tricks to keep the heat off of them when they're doing something wrong. He might say it's not cheating, but just remind him "if you're having to hide it from me and it's not something you feel comfortable w/me knowing about or seeing...then it's cheating". He's taking time away from you and it's precious time right now w/you being pregnant w/his child. My ex cheated on me w/my former best friend when I was pregnant. So I can kind of understand how it would make you feel doubly cheated of his time.

A good book you might want to read to give you better understanding of any defense mechanisms your husband might use against you is "When your Lover is a Liar". It helped me immensely and made me see all my ex's patterns and realize it wasn't my fault.

I hope things work out for you. AT least you're still in the military and can make it on your own. I was out of the military so I might have put up with more than I should have.
Being financially independent gives you a lot of options and a lot of power.

Best of luck!

Having an internet addiction is a bad thing that destroys many marriages. Most times unfortunately it does take the other spouse walking out before the spouse having the online affairs will wake up to that fact of what they are doing, just like with any other addiction. But unless he wants to change the behavior and wants the marriage to work it will be an endless battle. That is where it is your choice to either stay in the relationship and continue to allow it to happen or walk out and make it clear that it isn't going to be tolerated. I wish you all the luck. I have been there and ended up walking out because even with the documented proof of logs he still tried to deny it was happening.

If he can't be honest with you about this who knows what else he is lying about. That behavior seems pretty gross to me, I'd leave. Sorry to be harsh but that's my opinion.

I was married once to a military guy....and I had the same problem. Not so much with the online cyber stuff but he was constantly looking at stuff like that. He never understood why it upset me so much. It made me feel less attractive for him. I think that if you have already gone through the entire thing already, you should leave. He isn't willing to change, and you can't make him either. Sooner or later you will get sick of it and tell him where to put it. I know you are pregnat right now, and it is harder to leave. You need to consider the babies health and your own. That sucks that you have to deal with that.

I too have been fighting a similar battle with my husband. He is in the Navy and we too have been married 3 years. We have a 9 month old son. I have repeatedly caught my husband looking at adult sites. Every time I talk to him and let him know that it is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. I feel like it is wrong and is very close to cheating. In the very least it is very disrespectful. My husband would lie and say he wouldn't do it again. And of course, in a matter of time, I would catch him again. Recently, I laid it out. I told him how it makes me feel and if he wanted to continue looking at the sites that he would be on his own. It's now been a month since then and so far so good. There was a time that I thought about putting parental controls on our internet. I didn't because I am trying to trust him.

It really sounds like your husband is addicted and needs help. If you are willing and he will go, try counseling one more time. I would exhaust all efforts before leaving. Your children need their father. But only if he can fix the problem that he has. You deserve a husband that respects you. I definitely would let him know that it is his absolute last chance. I wish you luck.

Hi, Use divorce as a last resort. Once you say it you can't take it back. He does need counseling. It is a form of cheating. He is not just looking, but contacting these people. As you get further along, it will be harder to engage in intercourse. What will happen then? You will have to be creative with other froms of intimacy. Just take it slow, our emotions run high in pregnancy. You can't get yourself stressed out. Seek counceling for him and you by yourselves and as a couple. Let him know how you feel and what this is all about. Good luck with this...

M.,
I suggest if you don't want to get divorced that you better continue to go to counseling or get something to help. Otherwise, you should leave him. Trust me, I don't believe in divorce, except for this because he is CHEATING on you - ADULTRY. don't let your daughter and new baby coming soon live with a man who is being unfaithful to you! God wanted you two to live in a faithful marriage but when this happens the bible tells us that divorce is okay.

Good luck and God Bless

My husband is the same way. I believe it's a guy thing. They need all the attention in the world and more then we can give them at time. My husband says it's addictive and that it's just like smoking and hard to stop. I've tried everything. I've finally told him that it's fine as long as he doesn't talk to other lady's or go farther then the internet. I've turned the other way, but keep an eye out for things that may lead to other things and stop him before it can happen if I do find things. I guess it's something every women has to deal with. Sorry I don't have a cure wish I do!!!!! Let me know if someone gives you any advice that works. Good Luck.

I wouldnt give him the time and day if he says it was because of us not having sex. Id say fine then have fun with the floppy drive. I will not stand you disrepsecting me anymore. We had vows. You having affairs online. Id print those out and file for a divorce. Find a man that will respect and cherish you and the kids.
Or better yet if you want to be treated this way. Which i know you do since you havent filed any actions yet towards this. Disconnect the internet. Burn or give your computer away to the needy. Situation resolved =)
I am not trying to be mean or anything it's just You need to put your foot down.Remember you must be respected. Have you even thought if he meets these women? Maybe act like your one of them woman online and ask to meet? I still suggest divorce or no computer in the home if its destroying your family.
Good Luck

You know it's good to know that someone else has the same problem with their husband. My husband is in the Navy and he used to visit those sites quite often. It's very upsetting to find those on your computer. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough or that my breasts weren't big enough. My husband said it was because we didn't have sex enough but I changed that and he still watched them. He said the real reason for looking at them is because he likes to see something different once in a while. I don't really have any good advice about it. But one suggestion is to make him go to a councelor by himself. My husaband quit looking at it after i told him I would divorce him because it's embarassing to me and degrading to me as well. He doesn't look at it anymore. The part about him chatting to them as well; i think it's disgusting and if he's doing that he may be doing something else. I had that happen to me before and I consider that cheating. It's called cyber sex and just because it's ot in person doesn't mean it's not cheating. They are still showing them selves to other women and doing things on a camera for them as well(if that's what he's doing and it sounds like he is). I would ask him for a divorceto be honest. Don't be afraid to tell him why either, maybe he will change his tone once he finds out his family isleaving him. I'm sorry that you have to go through this and I know it hurts because it hurt me when my husband was doing it.

I am so sorry M.!!! That is SO hard especially when you're pregnant! Your heart will let you know what you need to do, you just have to listen to it! And don't let this beautiful baby cloud your judgement. You need to be true to yourself before anything! Oprah had a panal of guys and asked them a bunch of manly questions. One was why do some Men cheat? They're answer was ultimatly that there was some part of the relationship that was worth losing. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't appriciate you, he doesn't adore you. Those are things you should be getting from your husband and if you're not something needs to be done. Lots of hugs M.! Surround yourself with those who love and support you right now! I'll pray for you!

Hi M.. I am not a therapist and I'm not sure about giving advice, I am simply responding because I feel just so saddened by your situation. I feel as though you must live everyday wondering what your husband is doing and why... coming home and checking the computer and what not.. I feel anxiety and pain just thinking of what you must be feeling. It is my wish that nobody has to hurt by other's addictions, but this is not realistic. You can choose to not support his addiction. I hope you are surrounding yourself with love and support anywhere you can. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself. This is a serious issue.