Husband Not Wanting Me to Make It Big

KNow that the military does not pay much is he worry that if you make more then he does. he may lose you. I am not saying that he has grounds to think this but you know how man can be. I would sat down with him and have a long time about how much he means to you and how you two can make some kind of plan that works for both of you. Maybe you can limit how much or when you work each day so the both of you will have time together when he is free.

I'm sorry but it really sounds like a control issue to me. If you are excited and want to do this, any spouse should support the other one in their goals. We all know the extra money comes in handy these days. Family is very important but I would hate to feel like I had to give up what I wanted to do so my spouse would be content. That sounds very selfish of them, especially if the family needs are being covered. Good luck and I hope you are able to continue working.

D.,
I am not going to give you advice, but tell you a little of my story. Perhaps it will help. We have been married for 38 years and have two wonderful adult children, a fantastic daughter-in-law and two beautiful granddaughters.Early in our marriage I didn't want to work. I was very content to be at home. Our son was born while stationed at Fort Sill in the Army. Fast forward a few years and we both returned to college to complete degrees. My husband a Masters and my under grad degree in Speech Therapy. Our daughter arrived soon after. I still planned to stay at home for a while. Due to different circumstances it became necessary for me to work. I resented it at first, but then over the years, loved it and ir sort of took over who I was. I even insisted on having my own checking account. This went on until four years ago with me climbing the ladder, becoming the Executive Director and Vice President of a Company. I am woman hear me roar! I was self sufficient and there wasn't much that I didn't feel that I could accomplish on my own. It all came tumbling down in one day. I had a medical procedure done that left me unable to work and today I am disabled and at home. The good part about all of this is that I have discovered so much with the time that I have on my hands. It has been a painful process, but one that has made me a much more balanced person and partner. I am a Christian and rely on the Lord to reveal his plans and purpose for my life. I thought I had done that my whole life but have realized that I was doing most on my own. When I first came home, I was in panic mode. What will my family do without my income? We will be in ruin. After wasting time and energy that I did not have, I realized that I had never truly allowed my husband to be the head of our household. I was strong and wanted no one to tell me what to do. When I gave up this fight, I found peace. My husband stepped up to the plate, rearranged some of our debt and we are doing fine. I thought we might lose our house, etc. I really can't see a difference in our life style since I had to retire. I am free to do what needs to be done and now have to take care of my body so that I can stay healthy as long as possible. I have RSD that is now full body. With RA in your feet, I can relate. I know that this is long and may not help at all, but I felt the need to give you a little insight from way down the road.
D. B.

Are you sure he doesn't want you to succeed or he just wants you around when he is home. Has he been stationed overseas during your marriage??

I'm not military but I live in a town where a lot of the guys are overseas and, when they come home, they definately want their wives to be at home so they can spend time with them.

Maybe you could schedule your driving around while he is at work and your computer time for just a few hours in the evening or early morning after he leaves for work. As long as you are there with him when he goes to bed and wakes up in the morning - and throw in a few hours of time with him every evening - he'll probably be more cooperative

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!!
I am wondering if you've really sat down with your husband and talked this all out--does he know that his griping makes you feel like he doesn't support you in what makes you happy? My husband and I have had similar issues, and when we were finally able to talk things out (CALMLY), we were able to come to an agreement that we were both happy with.
It is true, your hubby could have some control issues, but maybe he just thinks its more important to devote your time to the children instead of worrying about having the nicer things in life.. this was certainly true in my case.
In my situation, my husband and I were able to compromise.. instead of me working full time, I am a stay at home mom most of the time and have a part-time job, working a few days a week.
I loved my former job, but I worked too many hours and didn't get to spend much quality time with the kids. My husband works long hours and only gets a few hours each day to see them. It was really important to my husband that I be around to give them the kind of devotion they need. Even though I didn't want to quit my job, I did because, after much consideration, I truly believed my family would benefit from it. I made a sacrifice for my family, thats what being a wife and mom is about sometimes.. I'm not sorry I did it. There are days full of frustration, and I may not have many expensive things..but being a "homemaker" is truly the most rewarding job there is. To me, this is "making it big".

It does sound like he has control issue. I was married for 23 years to man that was the same way about my working. He didn't mind that I made money but he griped about the house work not getting done as well and even went so far as to check the base boards for dust and complain about that. I worked off and on but always ended up quitting just to make peace. When my daughter went to college I had to go to work full time to pay for it since he wasn't going to help at all. The marriage ended soon after that but not just because of the work situation so don't take it wrong. Just stand your ground and don't let him bully you into thinking that you should be home all the time. You need to feel like you are a contributing factor not only to the family income but to society as well. Your self esteem is VERY important. Hang in there.

Hi D.,

This is definitely a control issue. You've been married for almost 3 years. Get all this out and settled now on what you want to do. I know you have a family and yes, you should take care of them, but as long as you can balance work and home, there isn't a problem. Military or not, he should help out also. It shouldn't be all about you having to do everything in the home. Do what you enjoy also. You are making strives to work for the things you want out of life also. Don't let him control your decisions like that and keep turning your life upside down quitting jobs every time you turn around. Nip it in the bud now. You let him get control on you like this now so early in the marriage, he won't stop and he will continue taking from you until you won't be able to make a decision. I'm not a womans libber, just been in your shoes with the control issue. Good luck!!

I would get marriage counseling. There seems to be some insecurity on both sides that needs to be worked out. Your insecurity over money could be making him feel insecure as a provider. The military life is tough for everyone. I'm glad my husband is out even though I miss the regular predictable pay checks. (made for easy budgeting) I don't miss the stress of deployments or chain of command issues that just don't happen in the civilian world. We were Navy, so I'm not sure what your equivalent of Fleet and Family Services would be called, but they are a good place to start as is Tricare. The FRG leadership is also a good place to ask about counseling services available to service members and their families at your new post. As to your kids, even the teenager still needs you for all that she's almost grown. I understand how it is when you have kids and a military husband wanting to have some income for just in case something happens to him or to fill in the gaps or to have nicer things. There are lots of places that offer military discounts and the Army version of Morale Welfare and Rec should have things like campgrounds or camper rentals as well as discount tickets to local shows and attractions. There are lots of ways to have a family vacation on the cheap and still have a good time. Ok, so it's not a Caribbean cruise, but it's not sitting at home either. I've been able to stay at home and still we are able to take the kids to see family across the country at least once a year. (I'm from VA and he's from LA, 1005 miles door to door)Ok, so we don't eat out a lot and I do little things to economize around the house, but the little things add up and tend on the whole to be better for the environment so I'm "making money" for the family and doing good things for the world too. Let me know if you're interested in some low cost family vacation ideas.

I realize it must be hard moving alot, and I think you being a consultant is a great idea..Maybe you and your husband need to talk about the matter, (when you have some alone time) and get to the bottom of what is really bothering him. I know its not easy to talk about certain things, especially when its a touchy issue, but hear his side, and you then let him know your feelings, and hopefully you can both come to a great solution. I know when I am upset over something and I need to talk about it to my husband (without us arguing) I think about my approach to him and how I am going to say things. I guess I have learned it is all in how we say things to one another....Believe me we have had our struggles, but after being married for almost 10 years, we are finally learning to communicate and REALLY listen.....I know its hard, but you may be very surprised with the outcome...I hope I have been of some help....I wondered what type of consulting you are doing from the home?????? I am looking for something from home right now.....Please mail me back,,and good luck..J.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. I work outside of the home full time and it is a huge part of who I am as an individual. I was raised by a single mother who instilled in me the passion to support myself and to be self sufficient. I know if something happened to my husband, that my son and I could make it with very little change in our lifestyle because of my salary/job/skills. My husband has said that he doesn't worry about what will happen to me if something were to happen to him nearly as much because I have the capability of taking care of myself. (Alot less pressure on him).I am a happier person now because I am self-sufficient and I don't have to depend on anyone to take care of me. I also think that my son benefits from me working because I am a happier person which in turn helps me to be a better mom. I think there is a fine line between you having a money making job and self worth and taking care of your family, but it seems that your children are both in school and you can set your own hours and be home when they are. I say if this is what you want, go for it and I would also find out why your husband feels the wasy he does.

Have you considered that your husband may be quite sincere in wanting more family time? That's it's not a control issue, but a matter of wanting a closer family? The question may not be, "Why doesn't he want me to do well?" but "Why is having a job so important to me?" As mothers, we make many sacrifices for the good of our families - our husbands as well as our children - and the fruits of those sacrifices won't be evident for decades perhaps. My father was a career Army man, and my parents decided when they got married that my mom would stay home with us kids while my dad would provide. She sacrificed a career, they both sacrificed a higher household income, but as kids, we knew our mother was THERE, and that mattered more than anything else. We wore hand-me-downs, we ate a lot of canned foods and pasta, and we didn't have many of the finer things of life, but we developed relationships of trust with our mother that saved us from a lot of heartache and trouble as we got older. This isn't to say you can't have your own interests - you MUST have them, to feed your soul and to show your children that you are not SOLELY a mother. Perhaps your husband recognizes that money does not make for happy memories, and he would rather have YOU WITH HIM than have finer things in the home or a fancy vacation. Isn't it nice to be married to a man who prefers being with you to having anything else?

You may need to reevaluate your priorities. Consider that he may feel just as strongly about his point of view as you do about yours, and remember that he isn't your enemy. People in families have to make different decisions than they would if they were independent adults - that's just how it works. If the money is not the only issue - if you like to work because you like to stay active and make a contribution to the world around you, perhaps you could consider volunteer work, which will fill important needs and also help you build closer ties to your community, as well as setting an example of service to your children.

I wish you well and success - and tell your husband that we appreciate the sacrifices he and you make for our safety!

D.,
Been there, worked through that. You didn't say if you have maintained a balance with family life while trying to build your business. Yes, it takes time to build a business. But you have children at ages that really need your presence in their lives. A 14 y/o needs you just as much if not more than a 4 y/o. Not just quality time, but a presence also. Can you limit your time to when the girls are at school and he is at work so that when family is together you are there? I have my 4th child that is about to leave the nest and I can tell you that you will never get these years back. I guess my advice to you is to try to strike a balance. I was a sahm for 21 years, got tired of my husband controlling the finances and wanted money for a few extras. Went to work for 4 years and realized my family still needed me. I hope you are in the position where you can grow your business maybe a little slower at least until your oldest is out of high school. Hope this helps.

it sounds as though your husband might have some security issues. was he married before? how did that turn out. he might feel that if he isn't your whole world you'll go astray. he might be scared of you meeting new people. you may want to think about some therapy.

I am a Mary Kay Consultant and at first my husband thought I was just spending money. Then he noticed how much I had coming in and that I was doing it week after week. He at first did not like the idea but after I showed him I was committed to what I was doing, I was doing it well and still had time for my family He started to back off. I have always worked outside of the home and we are in the same place must making it. When I had some more money coming in and I was able to use my income to pay things like our credit cards off and make my car payment he was impressed. I know it is hard to have a husband that does not seem supportive of what you are doing. I had to just prove to my husband that this is what I was going to do and this is why I was doing it. I told him if he did not like it then he did not have to ride in my car that was paid for by Mary Kay nor did he have to go on vacation that was again paid for by Mary Kay. I informed him that he had the right to sit at home a pout like a baby or he could rejoice with me in my success and help me build my business. It is a hard place to be in but I made the decision that this was something I was doing for my family and it also filled a void in me. I was a happier person and that was the change my husband noticed and what made him accept what I was doing. He now has 2 companies and asks me what I think he should do when it comes to building his companies. Do not let him get you down just keep working at it and reiterating that this is something you are doing to help your family.

Being that you are a military wife, I'm sure that you have been there and supported your husband 100%, so why should'nt he support you? Perhaps he's afraid that you won't have enough time for your daughters, but it sounds like your job is flexible which is great(wish mine was!). Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with him? If not, talk to him and let him know you have dreams of your own.

D.,

Sounds Like My Hubby

Every time u get a job or get excited about an opportunity for you he gripes or gives u a guilt trip to get what he wants like a 5 year old does if u give int o him he leaves it alone right.

my advice is to ignore him go ahead do what u want to do regardless of his little temper tantrum .

I hate to be harsh and I don't doubt that you love your husband very much but I don't think you went into this marriage with both eyes open. Somehow you painted yourself in a beautiful picture as a military wife taking care of things when he can't, living like every other wife in the country, being independent, able to make joint decisions, I could on ... ande on. Having been a Marine brat I knew what I was getting into if I married into the military. It doesn't matter which branch you are talking about -- if they wanted the soldier to have a spouse they would have issued him/her one. You can make as many plans as you wish but when the orders come in those plans go in the garbage. There is a third person in your marriage -- the military -- and it takes preference over you no matter what! You need some counseling from soomeone who understands this way of life. There should be services available on base for you to utilize. What you are going through used to be a woman's problem. With so many women now in service, the men in the marriage are having a hard time too and it is usually harder for them. They are men and have never had to give up their hopes and dreams like women seem to do when they get married. If you want your marriage to work, you will give up important things in your life ... he has and will. (He will miss important occasions (like birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) more often than you have fingers. You will share him with your country for as long as you are married and he is on active duty. You need to make some soul searching decisions about your marriage but remember, you are the one he comes home to either from the base or Iraq. You'll spend a lot of time waiting for him but if you want to keep your marriage then you will have to give up your dreams of becoming a CEO. He needs you more than you need him. You and the family are why he does what he does everyday. Either be there 100% or admit you made a mistake and get out of the multifaceted relationship. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you can live with them and being a military spouse is the hardest job there is except for being the military person. By the way, I am a feminist and for husbands in your situation just change the pronouns! Did I choose a military marriage? No, I didn't. I wasn't unselfish enough to take on the job. I admire every military spouse in the United States. They have a big job to fulfill. You have to decide if you are up for the job!!!

I think he is a little bit afraid of loosing you. That maybe you are going to be too independant or make more money than he is. There are several different things that it could be. Just make sure that he understands that he has your support and now you need his. That as a family, it is important. You should be able to work, if you want.

Your husband seems incredibly controlling and I would be concerned that this is just the beginning of a bad marriage that could end up much worse. What you describe is one of the first signs of an abusive husband. Good luck.

I don't think your husband doesn't want you to make it big. Men have a huge issue when they feel like they can't provide for their family. Ask him why he does this all the time. Ask with real concern in your voice and take the time to just listen. I just quit my job because I have wanted to for a long time and my husband would get so scared when we couldn't pay our bills and he kept me working even though I am disabled too from RA I have applied for disability with a lawyer who has a 90% success rate but it will take 2-3 years to get it maybe that is what you need to do. RA is ahorrible disease. I have it in my back neck and now both feet also. I am in pain all the time. I want more things for my daughters too I have 3 y/o twins but I can't work anymore that is all there is to it. I am older than you and believe me I didn't learn this stuff about life the easy way. I don't know where you are with God or if you have faith but ask Him what he wants you to do. He will listen and He will answer. I have just come down to this after working as a nurse again for the big money and then hurting for 2 days after working one day. Poeple all over are losing their jobs and struggling . God is trying to teach us americans that we can live with alot less than we think we can. If you are a proud military wife then be proud of your husband that he wants you to be his wife and mother to your girls some men would make you work no matter what. Like I said talk to him

Hi D.! I am curious what kind of consultant work are you doing? I have an Arbonne business and I also work part time as a RN. I love My Arbonne Business, it allows me to work around my life and my nurse schedule. I have made a habit of blocking out my calender a couple of months at a time. First I fill in my family and work obligations. Then I block out time for my arbonne business. Each week usally on sudays I go over the upcoming schedule with my husband so he knows what to expect. Share with him in detail WHY you want to build your business! Please feel free to contact me if you like! ____@____.com

Your husband has some personal issues that need to be addressed. He is very insecure. Counseling would help. If he won't go with you then go by yourself and learn some techniques for communication and eventually it will work itself out or you'll have to separate.

Good luck and keep working.

Wow! You guys need some counseling. If he's a control freak, something like this can lead to aggression. If you've explained your wants and needs for life and he's really not taking you seriously, you're going to need a mediator - someone he respects to tell him that YOU deserve this. Without forcing you to feel guilt or anger. There are some things you can sacrifice or compromise in marriage, this shouldn't be it. I'm a military BRAT, so I'm familiar with his need to hold you down. My father did the same thing to mom - before he left her, on her mother's doorstep with a 3yr old at 24 yrs of age, with no job skills whatsoever. She didnt even have a driver's license (stationed in Holland). Be careful sista, dont back down from this one if its what you truly want. Good Luck!

I use to have the same issues that you have. I was a REALTOR for many years. You have to work or you won't see any CASH. But I had a hard time working when it was "convenient" for my family. I divorced (for other reasons) moved here and married a wonderful man who was very supportive of when I worked and when I didn't. For other reasons than money and when can I work... I inactivated my Real Estate License. I now work from home downloading things from the internet onto a bookcourier. I have to work the hours I bill my employer sometimes it is hard finding the time to work, some how I manage. But it doesn't pay as much as I am used to making. So I started my own Send Out Card business. It's a lot of fun and gets me out of the house! Anyway, sometimes you have to put the blinders on. Your husband probably has an issue with you making more money than him even though he knows you need it for the family. He also has an issue with you not spending time with him when "he" is off work. So when I was a REALTOR I DID NOT work weekends. I still made double the amount of the job I quit to go into Real Estate. You have to decide when you are going to work and when you are not. With your consulting business only consult when your husband is working. You might have to miss out on some jobs but it will be worth it. I missed out on showing some people homes on weekends but life was better at home and I wasn't missing out on things "the family" was doing. I suggest letting your husband have a copy of your Schedule.... the days and hours that you are going to be consulting and doing things that get you the consulting jobs. See how that works for a couple of months. Good luck.

ok i dont know your husband but sounds to me like he thinks as most men do they need to be the bread winner. sit him down and ask worst is he'll tell you that it makes him feel less than when you are the one paying for all.. but just tell him that this is a partnership and what is yours is his. if you cant talk to him who can you confide in.. tell him that it does not feel like he is supporting you and this is 2008 not 1908 and women carry families all the time and does not make men and less of a man..

I have been married for 23 years we are Row crop Farms, we have money problems all the time. Actually the same time every year. My husband will complain every year " Why don't you get a job", I have had jobs and then he wants me at home. I do the paper work and finances for the Farm. He can't find anything when I am not here, he doesn't have cooked lunches, or the house is not as clean and orderly when I am not at home. So he wants me at home at all times. One of our daughters rides horses and her & I go off to shows he can't stand it, because I am not at "HOME". I wish you luck sorry no advice!

You need to ask him to put into words completely and exactly what he wants. Sometimes we say one thing, but think the opposite. He may not have thought it through. If he really does not want you working, and really doesn't care about the money and you are determined to work, you have some deep issues to discuss. If he is just being childish and selfish, expecting you to figure out how to get the work done magically, without spending time on it, maybe he will realize how unreasonable it is if he says it out loud. Someone has to give. I know it doesn't seem fair, but it is usually the wife that gives in. It is his duty to support you financially, and it is not your duty to support him. Don't destroy a marriage over it.(That doesn't mean you can't help out.)