Married Moms Advice/

I suggest that instead of focusing on what she's doing you focus on finding a way to spend happy times with her. I suggest she is doing this to have more satisfaction and happiness in her life. You are trying to get her attention by doing good things but these things are not what she needs. Actually, I suggest what you're doing is what I'd expect my husband to do. They're a natural part of being a family. She may be taking you and what you do for granted but she is not disrespecting you. And you're not going above and beyond normal expectations. Good for you to do them but not such as to expect her to how at your feet.

I suggest you are not doing anything wrong. You may not be meeting her needs. Again, I suggest a change in your focus. Ask her what she needs. Discuss ways both of you can meet each other's needs. Stop demanding and start cooperating.

I suggest you read The Five Love Languages and think about what is yours and hers love language. Talk with your wife to learn how she's feeling and what she needs from you.

Focus on making your relationship with her. Be supportive of her choices while talking about things you and she can do together. Force yourself to stop being critical. Even if she's having an affair your jealousy and criticism will not repair your relationship. I suggest she's not having an affair but if you continue in the way you're acting now she will have an affair.

I suggest she I looking for a bit of excitement and approval. Praise her for her work with the football info. Recognize her need to be more than a wife and mother. Help her explore ways to get validation for who she is. I suggest couseling can help both of you develop a happier life.

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT US ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would think you would be supportive of your wife learning a new trade that she loves and can bring money into the home. UNLESS..... you are so insecure and controlling that you can't handle that she could possibly be successful at a new trade.

Sounds to me like you are jealous and insecure. If she just started a new job, learning a new trade it takes some training... You don't just walk in and have the experience and technique instantly.

If you were my husband, I would read this as you are very insecure and I would be pocketing every penny I made for myself and my children for when I could financially get out of a relationship that is so controlled. I refuse to be controlled by anyone and maybe that is how she is feeling.

Holy insecurities Batman!! Glad I am not married to you. Learning a new trade is not disrespectful but your lack of trust in her is.

I can't see why you are upset by this!! I can put it in all caps if that is your favorite form of discourse. Your wife is learning a trade and you are insecure about it. Get therapy if you need it but your attitude will drive any woman away.

I paid SLU 32k a year to take me away from my family 18 hours a week. Why is it different if it is a trade? He is teaching her which is taking away from his efficiency. In turn she is doing some work as she learns to make up for that.

Rose, "Please dont delete me, i know this is a moms forum, im a dad and in distress and need moms and ladies perspective." and it goes downhill from there.

If you and your wife are secure in your marriage then you both can have successful careers and still remain a happy couple.
In no way is her interest in a job any sort of a disrespect to you - adjust your ego.
Either you trust your wife or you don't - have some faith.
She can be interested in a job and not be interested in a co-worker.
Maybe this guy is happily married - maybe he's gay (might still be happily married).

Realize that your problem might really be just a problem that YOU are having while your wife is being perfectly faithful.
If she's not being faithful - the problems will get worse and become evident and then you get a divorce.
Since you are not feeling secure then tell your wife you want marriage counseling and you both go and work it out.
Oh, and you can always go and make friends with this guy.
If you know him better you might not feel so threatened.
He lives with his Mom for crying out loud - how much of a threat do you really think he could be?

Hi Shaka,

It sounds like you suspect that your wife is having an affair. And yes, there's always a possibility that this is happening. However, if you compare the number of people who actually have affairs with the number of people whose spouses THINK they're having affairs, well, the second number is a whole lot bigger. I, as a stranger on the Internet, have no way of determining what is or isn't going on in your wife's life. But I do have one piece of concrete advice for you, and one general principle.

The concrete advice is this: Set up a time to talk with your wife, where you can speak openly and with privacy. Then, say exactly, precisely the following:

"I have a question to ask you. But before I ask the question, I have a promise to make you. Whatever you say, I won't be mad. I won't act crazy. I won't do anything stupid. I might feel hurt, depending on what the answer is, but I'm going to take your answer like a man, and I'm going to handle this like a grownup. I promise. Now, I need to ask you this because there's something I can't stop worrying about. And more than anything else in the world, I need us to be honest with each other. Okay -- I promise I'm not going to be mad, I'm not going to yell, I just need to know: Is anything going on, romantically, between you and 'Sam'?"

If she says yes, just keep your promise and stay calm. You don't have to be happy. You can be as devastated as hell. But say, "Okay, I need to clear my head. Walk away, thing for a long, long time, and when you're with her, act calm.

And, if she says no, believe her. If she says, "There's nothing going on between us. I just really want to learn this craft. I want to be a printer and open my own shop," then you say, "I'm so glad, and if this is what you want to do, then I am going to support you, every single step of the way. Now let's work out a plan, so you can pursue this career." And then, do that. Support her. Help make this work. Stop keeping tabs on all her hours. Stop costing out the monetary value of every evening in her life. In a happy marriage, people support each other as they grow. This kind of keeping tabs, even if you have the best motivations in the world, is toxic.

Welcome to mamapedia!

I'm not sure if you are a troll or not. I'm sorry - but to read a supposed grown man use "n" instead of AND and misspelling??? I want to call troll..especially since this is your second time posting the EXACT same thing and your SWH on that one says "no response - wow" - that screams TROLL to me....now on the off chance you are NOT a troll and this is for real....here's my response..

You either trust your wife or you don't.

You obviously do NOT like this guy. And you do NOT like that your wife is learning something new.

You say that because of YOUR hard work - your families finances are almost caught up. You do know that SHE plays a role in that as well, right? You state that she leaves work - so BOTH of you are working or if things are behind and YOU are the bread winner?? Then whose fault is it that things are behind?? YOURS..

You "war dial" your wife - sorry - but if MY husband were to war dial me??? I would ignore the calls too. My husband KNOWS I will pick up if I can. You are obviously not trusting your wife and it shows.

You feel that everything is one-sided...you do this...you do that...take a step back and find out what your wife does for you....

How do you handle this?? You CALMLY tell your wife how you are feeling. This feeling is called jealousy. You are upset that she is spending more time with this guy than her own husband....doesn't matter if she's learning a new trade that could possibly bring in more money to your already cash-strapped family - you are jealous.

What will it take for you NOT to be jealous? For her to quit her passion of photography and printing?? Go to work. Come straight home? Go ONLY with her family to outings...

You need to make a decision....and you need to either trust your wife or NOT trust your wife...which will you choose??

You can ask your wife to go to marriage counseling. You need to learn to communicate better. Do you KNOW for a FACT your wife is "cheating". How is she disrespecting you and your marriage? Because she's learning something new or because she didn't pick up the phone when you called her a dozen times....

You already stated you're ready to "give up" - so you aren't as committed to your marriage as you say you are...either you're all in or you aren't. Make a decision.

Good luck!

First of all, she absolutely should not be taking a job that hasn't started paying her yet, and that only pays her $8 and will keep her away from her family in the evenings. You are right, she will not make enough money for this job to be worthwhile.

You need to tell her that this is not acceptable to you. Even if he is "not her type," you are not happy with this situation, and as your wife, she must care about your feelings and wishes.

You are NOT unreasonable in this. Let's just say she's telling the truth, that she has no interest in this guy. She is not making enough money to justify being away from the house in the evenings when her family needs her.

When one person in a marriage cares deeply about something, the other spouse HAS TO listen to them, and respect their desires. Your wife does not get to feed you a bunch of b.s. about this being God's work.

I'm on your side, and you're right, this is not a good situation.

p.s. I am reading below and everyone else seems to think he's too controlling. If she's trying to learn a new career or have a hobby, okay, one or two days/evenings a week maybe. But FOUR days/evenings a week? That's too much, sorry. How would we wives feel about a husband who was out doing some sports-related thing FOUR evenings a week? You don't get to volunteer FOUR evenings a week when you have little kids. If this situation were reversed, and it was the husband who was away FOUR evenings a week with some other female doing some unpaid work, and leaving his family at home, we would be all over that guy. Why is it okay when it's the woman doing it?

Spouses have to consider each others' feelings. I agree with Ronda - there is not enough money in that job to justify the stress this is causing to the marriage. OR, she needs to cut it down to once or twice a week.

p.p.s. I keep rereading this post to see what I am missing that everyone else disagrees with me on, and the only thing I can come up with is that maybe you are jumping the gun on this? Did she just start this week? In that case, my advice is that if this is the first week, give it a month or so. Then, if she's away from home too often, you have more ground to stand on.

I don't know - Have you asked her? You obviously don't trust her - why? You don't seem to communicate. Maybe being your spouse isn't enough for her and having an outside job where she is appreciated fulfills her.

And the caps and punctuation on this post scream troll. Doubt this is real, but I'm bored...

Hummm interesting name. Did you know Shaka, founded the Zulu Kingdom of southern Africa. He became chef in 1816. He became mentally unstable to the point where his own half brother murdered him on September 22, 1828. September 22 is just 3 days away. Do you have a half brother?

Yes I'm calling troll on this one.

Why the distrust? She is learning something she wants to know more about. My husband supports my desire to learn and take on new things. Heck, he pretty much ran the household and all kid activities that I had to put on the back burner for the last year of my MBA. I was still very involved, but couldn't do it all...and he stepped up. He even supported the fact that a gentleman in the class was willing and able to help me beyong class time to get me through one really tough class.

I agree that you should tell her how you're feeling, but you need counseling. This isn't normal or healthy for you at all. Trust me, been there done that...counseling will give you what you need to deal with this.

It's on you, not her. Get help. Even if she has given you concrete reasons not to trust her, you'll want someone to help support you as you all go through rough waters. And I mean a counselor, not a girlfriend.

This boils down to communication and respect for one another. You are partners in this marriage. You need to sit her down and tell her how upsetting this is for you. Be honest and open. Lay it all on the table. Ask her why she needs to volunteer and why it took so long to return your calls. LISTEN to what she says. If you are in a good marriage, both of you should come to a compromise. If there is some discord, , then you two might need to see a marriage counselor to help you work out these issues.

You sound like a control freak -- I would divorce you.

You both sound like you have issues that are contributing to the distance in the relationship. I would make an appointment with your pastor or a therapist ASAP.

It sounds like she's found an art that she's interested in. She may be learning a lot from this guy and not even interested in him at all.

So you have kids. Is she leaving them with you all this time? Perhaps you need to find some friends to do stuff with and tell her you have plans and can't take the kids. Then she can manage them on her own.

On the other hand. You say he's paying her? It's a part time job? She's like an apprentice? Learning how to do all the stuff he does in his business? And this is a legitimate hobby she has since she takes a lot of the team photo's?

It sounds like it's out of control BUT I work evenings too and sometimes I don't get home until 9pm. I am not out screwing around, I'm working or talking to my boss or stop to eat something because I didn't have time all evening.

If you and your wife had a good relationship before this then you need to visit with her about what's going on, is she going to be working for this guy from this point on? like a career change thing? or is it something she's going to learn then use on her own?

I do wonder though, you sound really insecure and controlling. It may be that you need to take a breath. You've met him, he lives with his parents for goodness sake. He's not some Casanova with a love hideaway in the back room of his photo place.

There is nothing wrong with your wife having her own job. But how about you two sit and talk and you tell her how important it is that she spends those other evenings at home with you when you are not working. Tell her you miss her and you want to spend time with her. Ask her if she could look for a different job that has different hours. Ask her how she feels your marriage is going and if she is unhappy in any way. Tell her you wish she wanted to spend those evenings with you. Say these things sweetly. I am alarmed at how jealous you are - that is not right. It's not a big deal for your wife to work with, gasp, a man! You need to trust her more. She is not disrespecting you. You sound like perhaps you have something of an ego. Anyway...have a calm, loving talk with her. Be honest...tell her you are jealous and you hope she will look for a different job with different hours. Apologize for your insecurities, but tell her you just can't help how you feel and you will try to work on that. Trust. It's all about trust. If she chooses to keep this job, perhaps she can change the days/hours she works. If she chooses this job, you need to get over your distrust and jealousy.

STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!
She gave him her "available hours." Does that mean she's "working ALL of those?
I dunno, but I'm thinking maybe her new "job" isn't really the issue.
Good luck to y'all!

I happen to be looking at the season 1 of Ally McBeal. I never looked at it in its heyday. I am so pissed at Georgia for putting up with Billy and Ally's BS!

So, hopefully you get my take on your situation.

BS!

Your wife needs a reality check. There is not enough money in that 'job' to make the stress it is causing to be worth it.

I know my fiancee too would not be comfortable, he would make it very clear to the man that I was taken. Me as well,if in the same situation, I would not be comfortable with it. Now though you said this is something she wanted to learn, something she wants to try or whatever. I am an artist, so I know what it is like to want to learn something new that you enjoy to do. When some one gives you the opportunity to learn such trade, you get excited and whimsical and hopeful. Some times it can be a bad thing, as this person has similar interest, if there are problems at home, besides this one, then there might be something to worry about, but if not then it probably is just what she says it is. If you make a bigger deal out of something that is nothing and start causing issues at home over it, she may end up feeling like she is not supported at home and may send her closer to some one that seems to understand. I can't say this is here, as I don't know her I just know how I would feel.

If I was your wife, and this was just something that I truely wanted to do, something I am passionate about, and you tried to keep me away from it because of your fears, It would crush me. I would probably revolt against you, saying something like " why can't you just support me, " I would feel attacked and depressed and then I would feel lonely in my indevours of the artistic field. Like you don't understand. That would then draw me closer to the person I was working with, because They understand, they listen. Now mind you, this doesn't mean this person is any better, and this doesn't mean you are not a wonderful person that does all these wonderful things, but in the moment of anger or sadness or loneliness, one tends to forget what they do have.

Here is what I propose. Perhaps make it a habbit to stop by her work unanouced from time to time when you are able, Just to relieve your worries that anything is going on. When you are there though watch how they interact with one another, that can usually give you indications of anything that could possibly be something to worry about. Ask her to make sure to call you if she is going to be late, but make sure there is an actual time when she is suppose to be out of there. If she is suppose to be off by 8 pm then have her call if for whatever reason she is going to be later than that. Perhaps ask that she be no later than a certain time as you would worry for her on her drive back. Long drives even 20 mins, things can happen. ( I used to drive about the same distance to work, in the dark, often seen deer.) Try not to smother her though, try to make sure she knows you support the things she does, that you want her to peruse her dreams, but that her alone with a man you don't know much about concerns you. Jealousy can be flattering sometimes but if you start nagging about it every day, it can just become nuisance to someone that isn't doing anything wrong. Try not to make it a bigger deal. If you start making it a daily fight, like I said, it may send her looking the other way for some one that she thinks understands her more.

If there are other issues going on at home though, where she has become more distant from you, angry with you, acts differently around you than she normally does, then you might have something to worry about.

I am not sure that I helped, but I tried to give you my view on how I see things and how I would probably react. I wish you the best of luck. Hope things work out.

I suspect she has been a stay at home mom (SAHM) for quite some time. Perhaps it is just time for her to learn and do something for her. Your calls and comments just make it sound like you are trying to interfere with her wishes.

If he is paying her $8/hr and that is not enough, perhaps you should find a class that she can take from a community college and quickly learn the skills she is seeking.

Then she can be paid an appropriate amount of money.

This guy may not have an interest in your wife other than the helper he needs to run his business.

Best wishes.

Your ages and the age of your marriage might be big factors here.

If this is a trade that she is serious about learning, then she should have a timetable and more reasonable daily schedule for it. If you are uncomfortable with her being alone for hours in the evening with a strange man, that's valid, and she should take that into consideration. Maybe a trusted friend or relative can accompany her. It's not necessarily about not trusting her. It's just about not knowing him. People working together in such close quarters can lead to unexpected things for multiple reasons, and you want ot protect your marriage from the what-ifs of that. And then there's the time away from family. She needs to be able to give you an idea of how long she expects it to be this way.

From your mouth, it's going to sound like you're just jealous or controlling or insecure. Get some counseling. Before any of this goes any further, sit down with someone who can help you to navigate it.

I think it is not a good situation and my husband would understandably be upset too if I spent all that time away for no money. When I stayed home we both decided that I would not take on duties that detracted from the home life we were trying to establish for our marriage and children.
If she is truly interested in learning this than offer to set her up in night classes or whatever she needs to learn it. The guy is obviously not doing great at it financially himself if he is still at home with mama.
She sounds bored and smitten to me. Do not come across as needy and demanding. Maybe counseling for yourself would help.