Husband Not Your Best Match?

I had a marriage like that... and after six years I left. Well, there were other reasons too but we just had nothing in common and we didn't do much together.

Now I am married to my soulmate. We are best friends, share everything, do everything together, always thinking and saying the same things at the same time... almost eerie... but it works so much better.

I'm not saying end the marriage... but it is what I did because I was very unhappy with the marriage before... and now I feel so blessed.

Ouch. I got married at 18, had NO idea what marriage really meant. 18 years later I divorced. We were very different people with very different ideas on life. He loves football, beer, bars and being indoors. I like reading, gardening and family. As hard as I tried I couldn't find a middle ground that pleased us both. He is a good man but just not my life mate.
Hubby number 2 shares my interests (well, he doesn't like to garden but he does like the outdoors) and is absolutely my best friend! I can't imagine not spending my free time without him. I have told my adult children the formula for any good relationship consists of three things; Friendship, Respect and Trust. If you don't have those then you don't have a quality relationship IMHO. The next step is having a family, I don't believe that any family can hold together without a strong marriage as it's corner stone.

My anniversary is next tues , 3 yrs. We've been together for six. I ask myself this everyday. A lot of times I don't like my husband...most of the time. I love him, absolutely. I often find myself thinking after baby gets big enough...I will leave. So my answer is...not very well.

I don't really have any advise, but I COMPLETELY relate. We've been together 10 years and married for 6 1/2. Sometimes I wonder if we should even be together or if I'm sticking around because of our son. We are totally different. I do think of us more as friends and roommates than spouses and lovers. He sleeps on the couch 90% of the time by choice so he can watch TV since I got to bed like 2 hours earlier than he does and jus doesn't bother to come to bed and it's been like that since we got married. Makes you kind of wonder how we ended up with a baby!!! LOL

You are not alone and I'm interested into seeing what your other responses are.

What a thought provoking question! :)

My husband and I have been together for fourteen years and are very different people. I am introverted; he's very gregarious and outgoing. I love to read; he loves video games. I'm quite disorganized and distracted; he is neat and detail oriented. We have almost nothing "in common" except for our love for each other, and the fact that we live in the same home with our four-year-old son. We were more alike when we began our relationship as teenagers, but grew to have less and less in common as adults.

We have definitely had tough times, miserable times, times when we argued and had nothing to do together. Through counseling, we learned how to communicate more effectively. Mirroring really helps -- repeating back the other person's words before responding to their argument. Speaking my husband's opinion aloud makes sure I'm really hearing him and understanding him. And I've had to accept the fact that we really won't agree on many many things.

I try to take the time to listen to him at the end of the day, even if I don't understand what he's explaining from work, or if I'm not interested in the game he just bought, or if I don't really get the joke. It's the act of telling me, and making eye contact with me ... that connection that brings him joy. And when I'm lost in another book, or gone in a bubble-bath for an hour for the third time this week, he has the ability to understand that THAT is what brings ME joy. ;)

Overall I think this relationship works because I finally have a deep respect for who my partner is as a person. He may be nothing like me, and wouldn't be my best friend in the real world, but he is an amazing person (and fantastic father) in his own right and I'm lucky to be married to him. I've stopped trying to change him, and have cultivated a love of who his is -- not who I wish he would be.

Scientific American recently did an article about lasting love -- they found that people in arranged marriages eventually grew to have twice as much "love" as those who married for a love match. The key to lasting love isn't love itself, but comes from things like trust, respect, and understanding.

well, my husband and i are nothing alike. we don't like the same movies, we do not read the same books, he is quiet, i am explosive :) i am confident he is not. we have one thing in common, we are dedicated to our family and each other. everything else falls into place. we do not fight. we do not raise our voices, we still get frustrated with each other, but we have learned to communicate. we have known each other for 9 years, married 7, and i cannot imagine not being with him. the way he loves our kids, and how committed he is, is what makes me happy. but it took time for us to get here. communication is the key. no i did not marry my best friend. i have my best friend, i didn't need to marry one :). i wanted to marry someone calm, dedicated, hardworking, intelligent, and i did. on top of that i got a great father for our kids.

You don't say how long you've been married. After nearly 40 years with my husband, I can tell you that there have been times when I felt much like you do. I think a lot of people decide they have 'fallen out of love' because of such feelings and end up getting a divorce. However, I can attest to the fact that a marriage relationship is a fluid thing and will change over time. The longer you are married the closer you should get, and probably one day you will realize that you are much more alike than you are different. It's worth the stay! Concentrate on the ways you are alike and what caused you to get married in the first place. Recognize your differences and allow each other some freedom in those areas.

I think you're normal to be "feeling" this way........Obviously, you and your husband were once very much in love to even get married........then, of course, children come along and life takes us in a different direction..........

My hubby and I are in a funny place now because of the direction that children and "life" has taken us.........I consider it temporary, though. It's just with kids, homework, sports all mixed with our jobs there just isn't the time (or energy) to keep "the love alive" as we used to. We talk about it though...............every now and then, we talk about an "old memory" to reminise about and that helps us understand and be patient with our life NOW.

We try "date nights" (although not often enough) and when we're sitting across the table from eachother, we find the only thing we have in common anymore is our kids :o) Thankfully, we are able to laugh at our "phase" of life.....probably because we have great examples of marriage from both of our parents who have been married to each other "forever".

Recently, we agreed to try to "hold hands" more :o) It sounds silly, but we are hardly ever together (because of schedules)......and in an effort to keep our marriage feeling like a marriage we decided to try to hold hands more. It's cute, and it's working a little. The kids like it :o)

Like you, I am fulfilled in my life and am very happy.......but it would be nice to share that happiness with my husband so i try to do "little things"........After 17 yrs, I know the things i will never have from my hubby emotionally......so I try to focus on the little things that I loved about him when we first fell in love.........what I discovered in this process, though, is that those little things were BURIED under all the things that bugged me about him.....so this has been very theraputic for me :o)

I refuse to "let myself down" by attempting to watch a romantic movie with him......he's never been the kind........thank goodness for my mom and sister whom I share that with.........the "movei thing" is just an example of what I try NOT to ask of him........of course he would watch it with me, but he would talk through it........frustrating :o)

Honestly, I think my husband feels the same way as i do......although, he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and probably would never tell me. I know he loves me, and he probably gets fulfilled in his life, too.........he seems very happy........

So, as you can see, I think you're normal :o) Or perhaps I should've been the one to write this posting (lol)......

My "goal" right now is to "ride it through" this phase.........my hubby and I are great people, and even though I don't consider him my soulmate, he is a wonderfu man and appreciates me for almost everything I am :o) I feel the same for him.......I feel as though when are kids are older, then gone onto their own lives, then we can begin our 2nd life together.........that's the plan anyway :o)

I hope something I've written can help you understand and relate to your situation more. Sometimes, a simple "understanding of things" can make it easier to work through it.

I wish you the very best in your life..........and love :o)

~N.

My husband and are would not have ended up together if we went on match.com LOL. We are totally opposite! I am more strong and controlling as well, I am uptight and like things on schedule,etc. He is laid back, spontanious, goes with the flow, doesn't care so much about rules- making, enforcing or following them. I love to read- he hates it. He likes to go out and have "adult" time and fun- i would rather stay home and play with the kids or go do something "kid fun". I love to run, he hates it. I love to be outside working in the yard, garden, etc. He would rather stay inside or tinker in the garage. Our desires (in life, the bedroom, etc.) are totally different as well.
Even though my husband is ok with letting me be "the boss" he still needs to be respected as the man of the house and head of our family. I am working on that. Read the book love and respect- it really will help you understand your husbands needs even if he is not the dominate partner in your relationship.
Although sometimes I think I would appreciate to be married to someone more "Like me"..... i realize that many of the things I love the most about my husband are the exact opposite of myself! I also realized recently that my best girl friends are alot like my husband as well. They would have been a better "match" then us but I guess that is why we work. Just as these women are my best friends in the world- so is my husband. I do get aggravated and frustrated with him- but who doesn't and have tried changing him more then once- but realize that we are who we are. I don't want him changing me and I should try to change who he is either.... although changing some habits is ok! Just know I understand. Some people do seem to be perfect together but I think that is more myth then truth! Noone is exactly alike anyone else so either they are faking it or have found a way to make those differences work.
Hope this helps :)

The response from Brooke B is my exact to the t situation as well. My husband and i are very different and over the years our difference in priorities has really seperated us. he wants to make love every night, be on my every second he gets. i would love it too, if he would just look around and see other things that have to be done first. dinner, dishes, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed, laundry, cleaning. i do it all, and still he doesn't understand why i'm too tired to hold him at night. and with our third one on the way, it really questions my faith in him if he will really step up to the plate or if eventually i am going to be alone one day with just the kids, which sometimes almost seems a lot easier than trying to put out. if you can save your marriage, my blessings to you. but i've fought too long, i'm all out of advise for anyone else including myself. just make your decision before it's ultimately too late.

What I'm reading into this, and I may be way off base, is that you think he wants someone else. You think a more demure woman would suit him better. Why do you think that? Did he say that or are you jumping to conclusions? He may be very happy with your strong, confident personality.

As far as getting what you want from the rest of the world, my husband and I both feel that way. We go our seperate ways and do our own things and meet up at the end of the day. He has his interests, hobbies, friend, and I have mine. Having our own lives keeps it fresh and gives us something to talk to eachother about. We don't "need" eachother. We do however, love spending time together. We laugh and talk about EVERYTHING.

No one is perfect but we can't focus on their flaws. Truth be told my husband is not the father I want him to be to our kids. But, he's their father and I can't replace him.

I wish you both a happy and fulfilling marriage.

This is so sad to me. My husband and I dated for 8 years before we got married and we are still like best friends. I guess I just don't understand how you marry someone that is not your friend first. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments when I wonder why I married him, but then I have the moments when I look at our 2 beautiful boys and the life we've created together and remember why we chose each other. We have the same interests, hobbies, and values for the most part and I think it's very disheartning to hear that you're married to someone you don't share any of those things with. What will you guys do when the kids are gone and all you have left is each other and you guys don't share any of the same interests and aren't even friends?

Page,
I think many marriages are in trouble because we go into it with and for all the wrong reasons. When we see what we like, we go for it and then we see that there are things that we don't like and think we can change them. I suggest you try counseling, either with a church or just through a professional. One of the things that the pastor that counsel my husband and I told us was to respect each other and each other differences. Never to expect to change one another. But to cultivate each other's personalities. We are not the same by all means, but we respect each other and each other's opinion. Go back to that moment when you said "Yes" and try to start by meeting each other half way. The pastor told us, "you know how they say marriage is 50-50?" we said yes, he said "well it's wrong, it's 100-100, if you only give 50% of yourself in a relationship it will never work!""you need to give it your all, a 100%"
Try to at least one night a week, maybe on the weekend, go lay down with him on the couch. Fall asleep with him. Communication is key in any relationship, specially marriage! If you have children, the more you need to try to make this work and make positive changes. Make his favorite meal, talk to him, ask him how his day went, tell him about yours, tell him that you missed him. Go to the park together, just go walking if you can, hold hands, buy him icecream, I hope you know what I mean. Do little things for him that you know he'll appreciate. Don't wait for him to do it, you take the first step, why? because he is your man!! and you want to keep it that way, because you deserve a healthy relationship that gives more than it takes!!!
You deserve that, so treat yourself to it.
I'll be praying for you! Feel free to email me if you need to talk.
Blessings

Hi Page....what a nice way to say that...:-).......I too, am in a marriage similar, in that my husband was very different than I am, but I didn't find out until after the wedding. He is the opposite of what I was looking for. He is very demanding, reproachful, macho and his demeanor is like nails on a chalkboard to me. However, I too, want to keep our family unit and do the best I can. What I *try* to do, is do the things that we like to do together each week, so we can connect on some levels, that we do enjoy about each other......and then the times when he is at his worst, like in the morning and later evening, I find something *I* prefer to do alone, (like walk or exercise, or read, or go see a friend or tea with mother), and somehow that seems to help. I found our common ground areas and and reinforce those. And then try to *deal* with the middle areas as best I can. I hope that helps a little......I wish you love, support and all the best. L.

Page,
I do not think that being your best match and being your equal in interests is the same. I have been married to my husband for 23 years and we are very different people. We compliment each other in having different ideas ad hobbies etc. He and I talk all the time, he learns from me and he learn from him. It is good to be different, I think that makes for an interedting life together. Being the same is boring. Talk. That is my suggestion. Talk about each others day even if you are not all that interested in it, just listen. He will do the same if you give him the time to talk. Don't judge or critisize, be a good listener. The main thing that keeps a relationship going is when each partner has the others best interests at heart, that way both are satisfied, I think of my husbands needs above mine, and he thinks of my needs above his. All are satisfied. I allow him to do things with out me and he allows me time to do things with out him. That way we have plenty to talk about and learn about each other. I repeat...same is boring . Different gives you spice. : ) Hope this helps.
E.

I would recommend "NOT TO ABANDON THE BOAT" Try to see the wonderful things that your husband has and do not expect nothing from him, JUST RECEIVE!!!! He might be much less strong than you and maybe that is the reason why he choose you, but for sure he has LOTS of talents that you DO NOT HAVE, try to see that wonderful person that GOD put in your way, THERE IS A REASON!

Good luck!

Victoria

Well Page,

Your husband picked you because you bring out the best in him. I am assuming you are extroverted and he is introverted. He is probably into his own world and like you said you get your energy from outside. If you start a family unit, he will be the committed kind and you probably need that. My dad is like your husband and my M. is probably like you. She does have moments when she wished he would be "involved" more, hang around her friends, etc, but when it boils down to it, he supports her all the way in what she wants to do and of course every now and then he wishes she would stay "quiet" and meet his needs. They've been married for more than 35yrs. So I would say give and take. You probably don't notice it but he does bring out some best in your life..you just have to find it.

My husband and I are completely different. He is unsocial, rude, and controling. I am easy going very social, get along well with people. We have had our problems in the 37 yrs of marriage, but we are good friends. Over all we go everywhere together and have a great time. I don't how long you have been together, but keeping a family unit together or getting along with the rest of the world isn't going to cut it for a life long relationship

I think that is a very thought provoking question. I love self-help books. I don't think that we have to necessarily have a problem when we read them but we just want to expand our knowledge of the world. I find that they are so great for me and help me raise my children as a much more confident mother. I could see how this would be a great question for the experts. I am sure that there are plenty of wonderful books on the subject. It is not a problem that can not be dealt with. Maybe you can get your husband to read a book also.

You said " but he picked me".

The day you got married and said "I DO" ~ YOU PICKED HIM AS WELL.

Maybe it would help you if you look deep down into your soul and see what you are doing wrong in the relationship and get some advice on how to change yourself. We can not change our husbands, but if we want to make it work then we need to change ourselves.

I am sure that this is not what you want to hear, and I am sorry if this upsets you but that is not my intent.

We all can make the decision to LOVE THE ONE WE ARE WITH or LEAVE.

Best wishes to you both.

I am really sorry to hear this. A husband and wife should be best friends for a healthy relationship. If your not bringing out the best in each other your children will eventually pick up on this and it is not healthy for them because they may treat there spouses the same. You really need to work on this or go your seperate ways. It is not healthy for you to be unhappy with the man of your life. Good Luck!

If you are not unhappy and plan to keep your family unit together, why are you even asking?
Marriage is a blend and both husband and wife sacrifice and submit. You must be able to bend in the bad times, like a willow tree. And also stand firm in the times you feel are most important to you, like an oak tree.
My Husband is very supportive of me, even though we are so different. And I support him just as well, because we love each other. Love is the mainstay of our relationship, and trust me it has had it's trials.
Hope this Helps!
Pattib

The only reason your probably even thinking about this is because you have had too much time to think about it! I have found myself thinking the same thing at times, but what it boils down to is: When you have exciting news, who do you want to tell first? At the end of the day, who do you want to spend time with? Do you miss him when hes not around? Do yall have date night at least two times a month to just enjoy each other? Is there strain on the marriage bc of some determining factor? Do you know without a doubt that if something tragic happened,he would do anything to take care of you? Think about the important things that matter, not the menial things.

Hi Page,
I married my husband after 3 months of knowing him...13 + years later, we are still married. True we sometimes have our differences. Maybe not for everyone, but I think if we did things any differently, neither one of us would be married today.

My adult daughter on the other hand, has had one serious relationship in her life. They moved in together, but split up. She has been single now for 3 years. She has dated, but felt she could find the perfect person. She just hasn't found him yet. I finally had to explain to her, there is no perfect person. You are taking 2 people who were raised in two different homes and of course they are different.

I feel it is much more important to be concerned with the good times and being with who makes you laugh and smile and leave the strengths and confidence to each individual. If you are realizing you are somewhat overpowering hubby, than perhaps tone it down a bit.

Live & Love.

I think the best marriages are the one's where you both love each other, but also pursue our dreams outside of our marriages as well (sounds like you do).

The strongest marriages are the ones in which you don't need each other because of insecurities - you need each other because you CHOOSE to want each other.

My hubby and I are POLAR opposites, but we compliment each other. I went to an all women's college and am quite an outspoken feminist. I run the ship and I like to and my husband likes my strength. I suspect your husband also feels very secure knowing he has a strong, confident female in his life.

You say you are not "unhappy at all" and that is all anyone can want in life! Men don't want wimps - they want Wonder Woman!