Husband Says He's Still Not Connected to Youngest Child

This is so normal. Men connect with children more as their personalities emerge. It can be hard in the beginning for them. Once he gets home and gets to know his son he will feel that connection.

I'm with Laura.

Having served in the USMC, you see this all the time. People get pictures of the kids they haven't seen in 3 months to 1-2 years, and they're just blown away. The "OMG, I just can't believe this is my kid!!!" Then they show the pictures all around, showing off big muscles, smiles, teeth they hadn't seen...In a lot of way it's similar to the newborn "Ohmygosh look at this! I just can't believe it...look at the little fingernails...I just can't believe it."

Of course, with deployments, it's different. There's regret mixed in with the pride, surprise, & awe. If there's more then one child (my father didn't even meet ME until I was four months old (he was in a submarine chasing Russians), or my sister until she was nearly a year)...they have very solid, concrete thoughts about the other child(ren), but the new one...is nebulous. It's like it hasn't quite sunk in.

I would be very much surprised if he wasn't trying to share that moment of awe and discovery with you.

Best of luck, and have fun.

i just wanted to point out that a lot of men having trouble bonding with infants, and it's not until that infant becomes a baby that they are able to really bond with their children. perhaps that is your husband's problem, because he did have to leave at such a crucial time in your son's life.
i hope you when you guys reunite that everything works out. just give it some time, and give your husband lots of time and space to get to know this small child that is his.

We are looking towards the begining of a deployment rather the the end with a young child. It is difficult for kids and parents. Kids younger than 2 won't have many memories with dad. Just think of all the changes and growth that happened in the first year that your husband missed.
Give it time and the bonding can still happen. Be patient and don't force it.

I just wanted to add something to the good advice that has already been posted: my husband returned from Iraq in January after 9 months. He was fine with the kids--at almost 3 and almost 5, they remembered him fine thanks to the miracle of video chats! But what we did experience was that it took a while for my husband to get back into the rhythm of home life. I think that during the first few weeks back, I really underestimated the adjustment that he was having to make and the stress he was going through; it definitely took about a month before he was feeling used to being at home. My reason for saying this is to counsel you to be patient with the bonding process with your younger guy. Your husband may be too overwhelmed by his own post-deployment transition to focus on that, at first. Later on, I'm sure that he will be delighted to build his relationship with your littler son! Good luck.

My husband was gone nine months out of our little girl's first year, and he said time and time again that he just couldn't believe that he was a dad, that she was his, etc. When he got home shortly before her first birthday, it took him a while to get on her wavelength and understand her personality and needs. But now they get along great. Remember that children change a lot in their first year. The 3 month old that he bonded with has added many new diminsions to his personality. Calling him a new person would not be greatly exaggerating. Plus odds are your youngest doesn't respond to daddy the way your oldest does. They may need to rebond when he gets home, but that's perfectly natural.

Your military medical center or chaplaincy or counselors should have information on baby bonding and other like issues. This sort of thing happens a lot. I wouldn't worry about it.

Bless your heart- A. -- what I hear your husband saying is ''''help me connect the wonderful INFANT I left - with the walking, talking ( well- working on it) little boy I see in the picture --- how do I connect the two into one???""" My youngest daughter is married to a Navy Corpsman who is assigned ( at his request) to a Marine unit- he's been deployed to front-line duty 3 times --- God help all of you--- it's really tough- but it will happen -- I promise. Inch by inch he will see that the two totally different '''''' people'''' ( the infant and the toddler) are the same person- and are HIS littlest boy--- Children never change as much in any other period as they do from birth to a year - . Can you put together a ''''first year'' journal with pictures and maybe even some text that talk about your baby's first year??? -- You are all in my prayers ---

Old Mom -- aka - J.

A. - Maybe what he means is he can not believe that the one year old boy you are showing pictures of is the same 3 month old baby he left!
Just a thought

He probably isn't all to connected with him now. Things will get better. When I was born, I was number two, my dad got deployed when I turned 4 months old. I was almost 2 years old when he came back and I remember later reading letters from dad that said he forgot I was even born... After he came home he was able to actually meet me and I hate to brag but I'm my daddy's favorite! I'm also having to deal with a deployed hubby. My son is 4 months old... My hubby has me sending him pictures every week of him. Maybe you should try that.

I am not a military mom, but I think a lot of men have a harder time connecting until their babies turn into kids. Your older son was a "real person" when your husband left, and even though he got to spend a few months with the baby, babies don't "do" much. He has been gone a long time, and I bet once he get's back and spends some time with this little guy that either is walking or will be soon he will start to bond with him more. I feel for you for having to be apart from your husband for so long, especially having young kids ... thanks to you and him for serving our country!

A.,

Hunny... I know exactly what you're going through. My husband is also deployed and coming home next month from his second tour. We have four kids (9, 6, 3, and almost 2) and he's been gone since our littlest was only 6 months old. I know that, while he really loves all of our kids, he's going to have trouble adjusting to the fact that these kids are really his kids. Our 3 y/o was born during his last deployment and it took a good 6 months after he came home before they really connected in any way.

Just know that it -will- happen. I made sure to do video chats with my husband as often as I could while he was deployed so that he'd be able to "watch" the changes. I can't tell you how many times he's teared up when he sees the kids. All of them change so fast that it's unreal!

When your husband gets home let him be as involved as he wants to be. Try to remember that, while you've had the time to get to know every detail of your little one's life, your husband is just learning it. He'll make mistakes... but try not to let it bother you. If diapers aren't done the way you usually do... just let it go and remind yourself that it's getting done. If he's not sure of how to do something... step back and let him try to figure it out himself. Stepping in every time he starts to do something "wrong" won't help and will lead to resentment in him and a rougher transition for the kiddos.

Just try to remember that this is a huge change for him. Three months just before a deployment is only rarely enough time for a connection to be made with a baby. Let it happen. Ask your husband to help with "baby stuff". It will help the bonding. Just don't "force" him to do stuff, though. Maybe start with making bottles (if your baby still takes them) and don't hand him a poopy diaper to change first thing. *chuckles* Let him get used to just the wet ones first. After all... it -is- kind of nasty and hard to make sure that it's all cleaned up right. ^_^

I hope this helps. I'm always available for advice, so email me if you'd like at ____@____.com

Good luck and hope things go well when he gets home!

~A.

Most men are not that into newborns/infants because at that age they don't really "do" anything but eat and sleep. Seeing a gas smile isn't as exciting for a man most of the time.
Then there is the fact that he was mentally detatching himself from the family due to the deployment, you know the two transitions that happen before and after a deployment. I have been on both sides being retired myself and my husband is as well. At least your husband was lucky enough to have been around when his son was born, a lot are not but they are the first to be reunited upon return to meet the newest memeber of the family.
They will bond once he is home and the stress of deployment is over and he can relax. You didn't say what he does in the military but the higher ranking he is the more stressful usually and he might have been going through combat training right before leaving and getting told all the time at work to detatch himself. I bet his relationship with the 4 year old will be different as well. Mine changed with my two after being gone for 7 months (they were 2 and 4).
You just make sure that little boy is seeing pictures of his daddy so he knows who he is and isn't scared of him as much when he returns, that will help speed up the bonding. It will work out, don't force it though. Your husband was just being honest with you. How are you with nieces or nephews you haven't seen in a long time, you remember them at the last age you saw them at not older, same thing going on here. It was not meant to be a slam from your husband so don't take it that way.

A., Don't worry - it will just take time. Infants are usually closely connected to the mother in any case, usually because she's the one doing the feeding and putting down for bed. I know a couple guys who didn't bond with their kids until they were more in the toddler years, and they were home every day!

At one, your son is beginning to really show off his personality. And by this time next year he'll be talking and rough housing with big brother and dad. Just give them plenty of time and don't press the issue with your hubby or stress him out about it. It will come! Blessings
J.

I wouldn't worry. In the first 3 months, the baby almost seems more like just an extension of mom. He didn't show his personality much then and held no special place in his heart for anyone but mommy. Even if your husband did bond wonderfully with him then, he would be bonded with a 3 month old baby that doesn't exist anymore. Then 1 year old boy now is nothing like the tiny baby he held last year, and he has no idea who this toddler is. It will take time to get to know him. I am sure your son feel the same way about his daddy. I am sure you husband loves the little one, but probably more like a nephew than a son right now because they just don't know eachother well.

Try to be patient and don't make your husband feel like he is wrong in his feelings or that he should pretend to feel something he doesn't or keep the truth from you. I am sure that being away from your new child that long so young is a horribly hard thing to have to deal with for you both. I am so sorry, and my prayers are with you all.