Husband's Attitude Towards Normal Behavior of Toddler SUCKS

Seeing some of the alarming responses to your request, I'm amending my response a bit.

R., you are not asking whether you should leave this marriage. But I hope you'll consider it as one valid option. Your son has very limited life experience at 3 years, and his behavior suggests that he's a spirited kid with a great deal of anger toward his father's personal "behavior."

I grew up in a household with an ultra-controlling and punitive mother who really, REALLY, didn't have a clue that her three daughters had emotional needs that might be different from hers. My second sister sounds a lot like your son - willing to risk parental wrath to express unmet needs and protest our mom's crushing, authoritarian stance. And she did receive Mom's wrath, more or less constantly, for 18 years. She didn't buckle under it like us other two girls. Life at home was hellish. All of us ended up seriously messed up. I am still working to heal emotional wounds, but I have fared better than my sisters. (There was eventually a 4th sis, who was spared the worst of the pressure, but she thought our mom's sternness was counterproductive and hurtful, too.)

I have surprisingly clear memories of my childhood misery starting about age 3 1/2. I hated my mother passionately, and still wish I could love her more (I'm sure she was doing what she thought was right, based on some very old-fashioned notions).

Children that age certainly are beginning to understand consequences, but have very little impulse control. If they are happy, sad, or furious, they are really not yet able to mask the feelings. Your little boy is not planning to torment his parents, but when the opportunity presents itself to express bottled-up hurt, he'll take it. I expect he's simply responding in the only immediate ways he knows to express his dismay, and in a manner that has been modeled for him; you don't like what someone does, you take it out on them physically.

I hope you won't allow your husband to break his spirit. Kids can (usually) be "made" to behave by parents overpowering them, but that doesn't meet their legitimate, essential needs for communication, fairness, understanding and consistency, not to mention love.

Tender, respectful, patient and consistent behavior toward children is the main predictor of whether they will learn to behave in tender, respectful and patient ways toward others, and consistently manage their impulses. I've seen it over and over. And I've seen almost miraculous behavior changes in children who are lucky enough to find an adult who treats them that way, even if their parents don't. At least their behavior changes toward the adults who treat them like they respect them.

I put up with moods much like what you describe for many years from my first husband - he was emotionally abusive to me, and eventually also physically rough toward my daughter. I might have tolerated it for many more years, but I began to notice that my daughter always got quiet, anxious, and very small when her dad was around (she was normally a cheerful little girl). One time, he actually locked her out of the house and told her to go live somewhere else. She was sobbing in confusion and terror when I got home from work a couple of hours later.

It became clear after an additional year of "counseling" that my husband had no intention of changing. I left the marriage, with no financial resources except for a low-paying job. I should have left sooner. I still feel pangs when I remember how my sweet little girl suffered in silent fear. She had considerable healing to do, as did I. Took a long time to realize we didn't "deserve" to be treated so harshly.

Your husband is quit possibly mirroring the kind of parenting he had. That is sad, but it's no excuse.

Megan said everything I would have wanted to say to you about taking care of yourself and your little boy. Your instincts are telling you that this is a very big problem. And your son may well internalize what is happening to him and pass it on to the next generation, unless you do something to stop it.

My best to you. I know that you are in a tough situation, whether you stay or consider leaving.

R.- you have very valid concerns --- fear ( much less terror) is NEVER a good learning tool--- . As loving parents we want our 3 year olds to be a tiny bit concerned that if they are mean, aggressive, or hitting- that they won't LIKE our response ( ''' you hit, you sit'' --- or '''' OH I am so sorry you kicked- I will need to hold your foot so the foot doesn't kick again''' )--- but that is totally different from a 3 year old being frightened of one of the 2 people he should be able to totally trust. He is a BABY for corn sake--- of course he is doing impulsive things- he is THIRTY SIX months old - and has learned- in 36 months- to speak, and walk, and trust some people and dress himself ( at least somewhat) and perhaps color pictures staying ( sometimes ) in the lines and perhaps even know some simple counting facts -- perhaps - ) --- there is a limit to what he can learn at this age-that's why he has PARENTS who should have control of their tempers - and if one of 'em doesn't - that means you have to raise the question of '''at what point do I need to leave for my babys' safety?? ''' with the counselor you are in therapy with. Please be very clear - very specific and try hard to stay composed - as your husband likely will NOT appreciate your raising the question-- I'm so sorry to advise you to be so assertive- but that is my counsel.

Old Mom aka- J.
( been there - did that - and my children now thank me for it)

R.,

It's always so interesting to see the different ranges of perspectives on situations like these. Your husband obviously has some anger issues that he needs to deal with, and it's concerning that he's not seeming to be willing to recognize it, much less change it. Did he have that kind of example when he was a child? Have you talked to him after he loses his temper to discuss if this is how he thinks dicipline should be? Is he over stressed otherwise?

I agree that it's best to discuss proper discipline tactics (when your son is not around) and have some agreed upon ideas on what to do, but it takes two people to put in the time and effort not only to come up with these solutions, but more so to follow through on them.

In any case, what you've described about your husband's reaction is well beyond "bordering" inapproprate - it's completely inappropriate. Too many people view kids as little adults and have crazy expectation levels of what they should and can understand and comprehend. Yes, at this stage manipulation is something that is highly experimented with, which is very normal, but the idea of manipulation in the way that we view it as adults is quite different than how a kid views it. All the same, parents should not allow manipulation to happen and take steps to correct it, but it needs to be handle in a realistic fashion.

My father had the same kinds of anger and temper issues when I was young, and although I always knew he loved me, I resented him for it my whole life for his reactions and never felt safe with him. There was always a part of me that was on protection mode when I was with him, and that's not something any kid should have to deal with, with their parent.

I actually used to resent my mom even more for allowing it to happen without interference. She's talked to me recently about how she feels beyond guilty about it these days and will not forgive herself. She NOW tells me that she's realized as a mothers, she should have always protected me no matter what the cost or situation. I don't feel the need to make her feel worse about it than she already does now, but I definitely can't disagree with the idea of that, especially being a mom myself now. My husband has lost his temper with our boys a few times (in all honesty, I have too), but nothing to that extreme by any means, and we both recognize the damage that it does and catch ourselves and correct the behavior pretty quickly. It's difficult when you're at that point of frustration (especially from something painful), but it's necessary. Your husband needs to realize that. No child should be fearful of their parents. That's not creating the security that a child needs to grow and be confident in and your son will have issues in his future if you don't protect him from this fear. This kind of situation is definitely traumatic for a young child, and trauma makes a big dent in your life, no matter how old you are.

Please, please don't think that it's you. If you've truly put the effort into trying to get your husband and yourself on the same team, and he has not done anything to participate, then I'm not sure where you can go from there. The important part is that you must show your son not only that you're strong enough to protect him, but that his father's behavior is NOT acceptable. That will hopefully hinder him from doing the same things with his child/ren when/if he becomes a father. These are definitely the things that mold our children's minds. It would be great if you could work it out with your husband a good way to remove your son from the situation when your husband gets like that, but he would almost have to recognize his issue to be willing to do that, which it doesn't sound like he does. You should definitely bring it up with your therapist about it too. He definitely needs some anger management classes though. Undermining your husband is not usually my recommendation, but if he's not going to work on resolving his issues at the cost of your sons security, you NEED to do something about it.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

P.S. - Your sons behavior is VERY normal for his age, and not unhealthy at all. You are right on with that.

Hi R.,

I'm not sure I agree totally with Karma, and I think she may have missed a few key items in your request that are cause for concern.

YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING.

First of all, it broke my heart when I read that your son said to you that he's scared of his dad, and it makes him sad. I think that is a HUGE red flag right there.

Yes, to some degree, your son's behavior is developmentally appropriate. Children do test boundaries time and time again, and this is normal. They need the security of knowing that mom and dad are consistent in their expectations for proper behavior. However, it's scary for children when a parent (or parents) lose control (as your husband seems to do) and sometimes children lash back in anger and fear.

Karma is right, your son is old enough for some boundaries, and he does need to learn that no means no, and yes, you are responsible for teaching him appropriate behavior, but I agree with you. Your husband's reaction is inappropriate and out of line, and frankly, I find it rather scary. It concerns me that he is reacting with such anger. Children learn from example, and if we want our children to not hurt others, to respect others, and to not respond in anger, then we must do the same to our children. It's no wonder that your son ran over your husbands foot again if he is often treated with anger. Kids that are angry often don't know any other way of handling situations than to hurt those who are around them. If your husband is shaking your son, or is in other ways being rough or harming your son, then your son may not understand that it's not ok to hurt other people.

You used the word rage, and wondered if it was bordering on inappropriate...think about it...if you are using a such a strong word as rage, don't you think maybe you're past inappropriate, sweetie? You husband is thowing a tricycle, and grabbing your son roughly (to use your words). It sounds like to me that maybe your husband has some serious anger issues, and I am VERY concerned about your safety and your son's safety. It was good that you were able to remove yourself and your son from the situation, but will you always be able to do that?

I'm glad you're in counseling, that's a step in the right direction, but from the sounds of things, I'm not sure it's helping; what do you think? Sometimes it takes more than marriage counseling to help those with serious anger issues.

I see that you live in Seattle. I've included the contact information (including a 24 hour crisis number) for the Eastside Domestic Violence Program. I think they serve primarily the eastside, but if at any time you feel you are in need of help, call them, and they can probably help you out.

I've also included the Crisis Line contact information as well, and they help anyone, regardless of location.

You don't have to use either referral, just know that they are there if ever the situation gets to the point that you feel your safety is in jeopardy. You are not alone, and you are NOT OVER REACTING!

Eastside Domestic Violence Program
P.O. Box 6398
Bellevue, WA 98008-6398

24-Hour Crisis Line: ###-###-####
Business Phone: ###-###-####
Volunteer Line: ###-###-#### x404
Fax: ###-###-####
E-Mail: ____@____.com

Crisis Clinic 24 hour Hotline
866.4CRISIS
(866.427.4747)
###-###-####

I really, really recommend that your husband go to an anger management class.

My husband is an absolute sweetie, gentle and thoughtful and a real team player, but had a terrible fathering model where anger was concerned. Most of the time he just swallows anger but sometimes he just explodes. When he found out we were pregnant, he immediately signed up for anger management class because he was worried how he'd do as a dad.

What he found:
1) lots of us stink at anger management, but there are many techniques for coming to grips with it
2) lots of people have way worse problems with anger management than he does, and for scarier reasons
3) it's easier to go talk about this with other men, under a male counselor, than listen to family members, therapists, and/or females hassling you about it.

If your husband thinks a toddler pushing his buttons is enraging, I have news: it's not going to get better. Kids give us the greatest highs and the greatest lows, just by being themselves. So get some tools into your toolbox. Man up and go to school!

Maybe you should ask your husband what HE thinks the two of you should do to train your son in obedience. Convince him that you really want to know, urge him to take a few days to think about it, somehow demonstrate that you actually are willing to try things his way. (I suspect this will be hard for you, because you think you know better.)

This will get you out of the you-mother/him-child pattern.

Listen, yes, your hub has a problem with anger, but he's also right: your son's behavior is totally inappropriate! Not the first time, accident, but the second-time defiance -- deliberately doing it again just because your husband says no ???? That is totally inappropriate. It is not "normal behavior of a toddler" You're willing to tolerate and excuse it, okay, but I wouldn't. No wonder your husband is upset. He is frustrated. He knows that in order to be a good father over the long haul, your son must be trained in obedience but he hasnt been. He is the opposite of obedient. he is defiant. Your husband is painfully aware that he is failing as a father, which in the long run means your son WILL NOT TURN OUT WELL, and he doesn't know what to do about this. he doesn't know how to fix it. What's "normal" is for him to feel angry about this (though not to lash out at people who are weaker than he is -- he needs help to recognize and acknowledge his anger verbally so he won't act out physically.)

Father's often have a different perspective on parenting and it is just as legitimate and NECESSARY to a child's upbringing as the mother's -- especially for a boy! Back off, and let him actually father.

I suspect in your zeal to be the best mother you can be you have unknowingly emasculated your husband, preventing him from being the authority figure your son needs, sabotaging their relationship. Be careful -- if you rob your son of a father nothng you do as a mother will make up for that.

Your husband's rage is NOT bordering on inappropriate, its fallen into the DEFINITELY inappropriate range. Seriously, can "RAGE" ever be appropriate? You need to remove your child from this environment immediatly and seek help. Your husband needs help. The more he expresses hie "rage" towards your child the more your child is going to mimic that rage and begin to express himself in that manner. Then you have 2 raging abusive males in the house.
It is NEVER ok for a parent to "grab" a child and "yank" them off a bike or anything else for that matter. Nor is it appropriate to grab a child roughly and screem in their face. It sounds (from what you say) that your son is being abused physically, emotionally, and mentally. Its only going to get worse if you dont do something about it now!

R. - With my first daughter I used to totally lose my temper sometimes and basically throw a tantrum myself. I would lose control, she would be afraid, and it didn't ever help the situation. How I wish I could get those years back to do over! She started imitating my behavior, and at that point I knew I had to do better. My husband would gently tell me that I needed to stay calm and consistent, and we worked on it.

I don't have great advice for how to approach your husband if you're already in a precarious situation - my husband and I were firmly together when we had our talks about how we wanted to raise our daughters - but somehow your husband needs to understand two basic things: he HAS to stay calm and in control throughout correcting and disciplining his child, and if he doesn't he's teaching his child to respond to feelings of hurt or anger in precisely the same way he is now.

Men need respect, so if there's some way to show him that you respect him as an intelligent man, and as that man you're sure he can be a great father, etc. Blessings on your family.
J.

i think that maybe your husband is overreacting but you are under-reacting. My daughter is 2 and 4 months and she knows if i say no that she has to stop and not do whatever it is again. If my daughter ran over my foot then tried to do it again after i told her to stop i'd be furious too. what if he did this to a little child he was playing with? just because your husband has a shorter fuse then you doesn't mean he's the bad parent and you're the good parent and i'm sure you are giving him that feeling too. you need to parent together and be a united front for your child. You are blaming your son's bad behavior on your husband "(bad positioning on husband's part)", what are you saying when these things happen. maybe if you said "that is not ok, you do not kick people, or that is not ok you don't run over people's feet, if you do it again you will go to time out" then your husband wouldn't have to be the bad guy and get mad. You are not giving your son enough credit for being intelligent, at three they know what they are doing and will try to get away with anything they can. a lot of books i read say to start "time outs" at 18 months so at 3 he really should know better! I think you need to talk to your husband and come up with a way to handle these situations that you can both agree on and then stick to it. but you can't work against each other or your child will learn very early how to play you two against each other.
good luck -B

Wow, I am so sorry...that sounds scary. I DO NOT think you are overeacting and your child is probably reacting in a way that is caused by the reaction of your husband. Discipline should be a "non-reaction" on the part of the parent...don't let the toddler get a rise out of you...

Anyway, keep up the therapy and I will pray for you. I don't have any real advice, I'm sorry :(

I read some of the responses below. I agree with some and some really bothered me.
Yes there is a time to be firm with your child, but if it scares him then its being handled wrong. Throwing things is definitly NOT something to do. Yes I think your husband has an issue with anger and proper disappline for a young child. It needs to be brought to your hubbys attention that the way he handles his son terrifies the little guy. It is also extrememly important for the two of you to find a parenting style that works for both of you (obviously that doesnt involve violence and throwing). Something needs to be done now before any damage is done. Always protect your child from harm!
Your son is acting like any other child his age. MY 2 yr old daughter is the same way. When she does something that hurts, we tell her she hurt us when she....(your hurt mommy's foot when you ran over it with your bike). Yea sometimes she will think its funny and try to do it again, and at that point we tell her NO and tell her if she does it again we will take her bike away until she can play with it nice. Yea there have been times I have yelled OUCH (and so has her dad) and once we get control of ourselves we will continue with the above. Its important that they learn their actions can hurt others and it needs to be pointed out to them (as I am sure you agree). But freaking out doesnt teach them anything except scare the daylights out of them. Kids this age love to push limits and again being as patient as possible is the best (and consistant).
I have a question, does your son have much interaction with his dad? Kids will do whatever it takes to get attention, good or bad. I was wondering if maybe he challenges his dad when he makes him so mad, because he has dads attention.
Ok I think I have said more than you asked for. If hubby isnt willing to change his technique and continues to escalate, it may be time to do something drastic to protect your son, and to get hubby to see what he is doing. Both of you need to put your foot down with your child. Remember, not doing anything is just as bad as overreacting. I wish you the best of luck, this is a hard place to be.

R.,

It is great that you guys are in therapy, sounds like you all really need it. I am sorry but I agree with the dad. My only comment/advice is that your 3 year old son sounds like he is a bit out of control. At 3, he should definetly be aware of the boundries by now...one of them being not to kick anybody in the face...especially after being told not to. If he ran over daddy's foot, then daddy told him "oww, dont do that" and your son does it again, your son is at fault.

You are absolutely right that your son's behavior is YOUR responsibility and that the TWO of you need to do things differently. Keep up with the therapy and correcting your son immediatly when he does something inapropriate. Consitency is the key.

One last thing: I know how easy it is to look into your sons face and see a baby...but at 3, he is no longer a baby. He is a toddler and is only getting bigger. You need to make some serious corrections before he gets any bigger. It doesn't sound to me like your son has any respect for you or his father which is really really bad.---Hopefully when your son ran to you after daddy scared him with the trike incident, you didn't baby your son...that would only confuse the situation...hopefully you told him he hurt daddy and that he should not do that again.

I cant even imagine my 3 yr old trying to kick his daddy...especially after being told not to do it again.

Mom to a grip of boys,
K.

Your son seems to be testing his limits and manipulating you both. These are very normal things for children of this age to do. You just have to recognize that this is what is happening, and act accordingly. He sees the lack of unity between you and your husband and is playing that up to his advantage. He gets what he wants, be it attention or just getting his way, by acting up (like in the tooth brushing incident, he threw a kicking and screaming fit, and you stopped brushing his teeth). If he were actually seriously afraid of his father, he would not deliberately disobey him time and time again. He knows he can get away with it...or at least get a reaction. He tells you he is scared (and maybe he is startled) because he gets attention for it (your snuggles and sympathy). All the while, his behavior is driving you and your husband further and further apart. The best thing for children is for their parents to be unified and consistent, so that is what I'd be working toward first. Sit down with your husband and talk about what behaviors he finds unacceptable in your son, and find disciplinary measures that you can agree on. Men tend to be more objective in situations like this. He may see things that you don't just because you overlook them, or are just used to dealing with them. I know that happens in our house. The next thing to tackle is your son's manipulative behavior. You have to realize what he's doing, and not let it happen. Don't let him run the show. You are the parent. It will be hard to not let him pull your heart strings for a reaction, but in the end, it will be in his best interest, and it probably won't take very long (after the initial HUGE fits) for him to get the idea that he's not the boss, and you will not be manipulated any longer. He will get plenty of snuggly attention from you at other times in the day when he's not mis-behaving for it.

I can see both your point of view and your husband's. Your son is pushing your husband. When he told your son that it hurt when he ran over his foot and not to do it again, he deliberately tried to duplicate his previous actions. I agree that your husband may have over-reacted a bit, but your son absolutely deserved some form of punishment. The same goes for the situation with the toothbrushing episode. It sounds like your son has learned at an early age to push his dad's buttons and then turn to you for sympathy. Be careful that your husband doesn't start feeling like the outsider. My husband and I agreed early on to present a united front. I think if you and your husband agreed to do that - and agreed on an appropriate course of action to stick to when your son misbehaves - things will get better for all of you. It's not easy and I'm sorry you're going through it. I hope things change soon.

Personally, I think your whole family should try some counseling. I don't think it's normal behavior for a 3-yr-old to inflict injury on purpose (running over the foot a second time, kicking dad in the face). That said though, your husband's response isn't helping, and your opposite reaction isn't either. I think it's time for all of you to seek some professional help.

Only you can really know how out of control your husband's anger is. That said, here is a different point of view for you to consider.

You write the following---I am a proponent of attachment parenting, including co-sleeping, baby-led weaning (and extended breast-feeding), and discipline without violence--- You don't say whether your husband is aligned with this type of parenting. Did he agree to your baby sleeping with both of you for however many years and nursing for however many years? Or was this decided by you after the baby was born? Not justifying his angry outbursts, however, what kind of a say have you given him in how your child is to be raised, disciplined etc?
That 'I'm scared of daddy' may just be a way to jerk your emotional chain. He can see how you respond to your husband. Kids are very very aware.

I personally would have taken my child off the tricycle and not let him have it for a couple of days if he used it to run into someone--anyone. I would have gently backed my husband if he yelled and re-affirmed that it is not okay to kick someone in the face to let my child (and perhaps my husband )know that I support and agree my husband while not necessarily condoning the yelling. It is not okay to kick someone--anyone--in the face. Or is it that you let your child get away with these behaviors when they are directed at you? That would sure be sending different signals, don't you agree?
At any rate, good luck

R. - I think you are going to get a wide range of responses to this question.
If my son ran over my foot and I told him it hurt and he did it again....I would yank him off his bike, and sit his butt in time out. I would be right down at his level speaking in a low voice that his behavior is unacceptable and he will be sitting in time out for 3 minutes. Some children find that scary, my son tells me he doesn't like me, oh well.
If I tell my child that I am going to brush his teeth and he starts crying and kicking, you better believe that one of us will be holding his legs down and the other will still be brushing. If my son kicks me in the face (TWICE, and after a warning) you better believe I would be upset! His behind would be in time out again, and then we would go back to brushing teeth. Your husband told him NOT to kick him and your son did.
You may be trying "Love and Logic" and your husband is doing "Old School"....you two need to find a happy medium. You BOTH need to be correcting him when the action happens. 3 years old is PLENTY old to understand behavior/consequence. You can't make excuses for him because he is 3, HE gets it, and he gets that you are making excuses for him!
Can both of you sit down at a therapy session and discuss how to discipline? Create LOTS of different scenerios and read them out loud and then discuss how you would deal with it, and then let him discuss how HE would deal with it. Bring up scenerios that have already happened.
If he is striking your son, NOT spanking, then there is an issue with your husband. If he is angry because your son gets in trouble and then goes to you for comfort (and you give it) then there is an issue with BOTH of you.
Good Luck

Glad to see you're in counseling. Is it family or couples? Both might be a good idea since it seems like you and your hubby aren't parenting as a team. It's also sad that your son has said he's afraid of his dad. I don't say that to make you feel bad, but something in your family dynamic needs to change so that your son can learn how to grow and have healthy relationships. Good luck with counseling and I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you.

You might check out one of the John Gottman lectures/retreats/classes though. I've heard great things about his methods and can't quite say the same for L&L. There's a book by Dr. Sears called "the discipline book" that might be helpful for you.

I'm not trying to imply that your son is poorly disciplined (I'm an AP mom too), but Sears comes from an AP perspective so it might be easier for you to implement.

you son's behavior is downright defiant, and you're absolutely right that it's something you guys are or are not doing. something's gotta give, but hubby needs to get a grip. it's possible, though, that part of your husband's anger is directed at his own failings as a parent. as in, jeez, this is my kid and he's acting this way and i don't know what to do or how to fix it so i'm going to over compensate/take it out on the kid. or it's possible that your husband is trying to make up for the fact that he feels you're too soft on him. or it's possible that your husband doesn't understand that he needs to scale back the intimidation factor a bit. you won't know, though, until you communicate with him. the two of you need to sit down and discuss clear boundaries for your son. children as young as 18 months are capable of following simple rules and instructions; there is no reason your 3 year old can't do the same. he is perfectly capable of understanding that there is a consequence for his actions, in both the positive and negative manners, and that to avoid the negative consequences he needs to avoid negative behaviors. i suggest you and your husband sit down and discuss what behaviors you want to see in your son, which rules you want to enforce consistently, and then create a consequence list. then the two of you need to stick with it. as for your husband's anger problem, perhaps it will be alleviated once your son's behavior is corrected. if not, then it's time to send him to anger management. it's possible for someone to be firm with a child without being scary, and that's where the balance is. but, watch for manipulation. your son might see that saying he's afraid of his dad gets him some extra attention, and start using that to get out of trouble. three is not too young to engage in manipulative behavior, and while it is a sign of intelligence, it needs to be nipped in the bud.
good luck in therapy with your husband. he does have some communication issues that need to be worked on, and once he works on them i think he will definitely have the capacity to be a truly excellent father.

Hi, R.

My name is S., I am 62 years old and I have 5 children, 20 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. I live in Auburn, WA. I am raising my 3-year-old great granddaughter.

I think that since you all are in counseling you are doing your best to address your husband's anger problem. I wish you all the best at that. I know how difficult that particular issue can be.

I do have a suggestion about the tooth brushing thing.

I have been cleaning my girl's teeth since her first tooth came in. When she was old enough I got a pack of kid's toothbrushes from the dollar store and she played with them a lot. They even doubled as teething toys. I bought her a toddlers character toothbrush and character toothpaste for regular toothbrushing time. Make sure that the toothbrush you are using when you are doing the brushing is very soft. The dollar store toothbrushes can be a bit too firm for an adult to use on a child, because we may tend to brush too hard.

Since she was 2-years-old I let her brush her own teeth a litte bit and then I brush them a bit and then let her take over again. I also expained to her that "sugar bugs" lived in her mouth and she had to brush her teeth to get the "sugar bugs" off of her teeth or they would make her teeth turn yellow and black and get holes in them (cavities). Of course I used a tone of voice and simplified explaination so as not to freak her out about the "bugs'. We sing a song to the tune of Row Your Boat.

Brush, brush, brush your teeth
Brush them every day
Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning
Fighting tooth decay.

Now she is aways willing to brush her teeth, even reminding me. I will admit that now that she is 3 she doesn't always appreciate my help and wants to do it all by hersef, however, I insist I get to brush first and then she can take over. She still has extra toothbrushes from the dollar store to play with.

Good luck,
S.