I Can't "Get over It" "Empty Nest", Natural Hormone Replacement, Menopause

As Christians we too often think we have to be "perfect". Your feelings are real and valid and do not make you any less "godly." It is alright to get the professional help that you need, whether that be hormone replacement, an antidepressant, or a few sessions with a Christian counselor (many insurance policies do pay for this). I have found myself in a similar place (although not by my daughter's choice, but by her sudden severe medical illness). I was deeply disappointed and depressed about the loss of the future I had planned for her. I really struggled with allowing myself to even fill a perscription for an antidepressant, but once I did, I discovered that it helped me "get over it" and I only took it for a few months. The most help I received was from a Christian counselor. Your pastor should be able to refer you to one. (this is a professional licensed couselor, not a layman) Most importantly, even though you're very disappointed, do keep a relationship with your son and his fiancee. You don't want to end up being left out of their future life together. Just "be there for them" and let them know that you love them. That can go a long way in healing. I will be praying for you D..

Hi D., you are in a rough patch and there are things you can do to help yourself. First I would say your son is going to do what he is going to do. Agewise, he is still a boy, but he is making decisions of a grown man. Allowing his decisions to be his is not the same as encouraging it. He is making the decision that he wants for himself at this time. It is of no value to go to college and give minimal effort or go part of the semester and flunk/drop out. Time and money wasted. Continue to love and pray for him but do not mention school to him. He knows it is there.

There are natural hormone replacements that can help. If you have a health food store nearby, talk to someone there. I take black cohosh and it is working nicely. I am 53 so I know what you are going through hormonally. When your hormones are in balance, you will feel better in all areas and the suggested changes will come easier.

As for the empty nest and the alcoholic husband, take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Do what you enjoy with people who are fun to be with. You will find that the companionship of upbeat people will soothe your feelings of loss. Give yourself what you want by giving it to others. If you want hugs, give them. If you want conversation, join a book club. If you want nature, go to a park and walk where other people are walking. If you enjoy the youth ministry, get back into it. You will find your needs are being met.

Your son and husband are making choices for what they want. You do the same for yourself. All these suggestions are easier said than done, but better to do it that to continue in sadness and loss. You are worth it! HTH

I'm not quite to the menopause phase yet...though getting closer :)

I've heard different approaches on natural hormone replacement, but I have heard Teri Maxwell, a Christian speaker, talk about the benefits of it and how it really helped her life for the better...encouraged this during this time of life.

I recently sat with another group of super Godly Christian women who felt that depression is real and it was really important to seek help medically for it as needed.

You have got a lot you are dealing with! Will pray for you tonight.

So sorry to hear this as we as Christians feel that living with/shaking with(like you say) is out of order. All you can do as a Chrtian is pray and be non judegmental. If you have already said what you feel then all you can do is love and gently encourage him to make the right decisions. The more you push religion or what is right and wrong down him the further he will run from it AND it will put a wall up between you and him. Pray, pray,pray but don't quit working/helping at the churh b/c your son chose to do something you don't appove of. God will work it out, give it to him and focus on helping the teens again. Remember who your focus is: Christ...no matter what happens with your son or marriage; Christ is where you find happiness not others!! People WILL let you down and they won't live up to YOUR expectations. Let Christ handle your surroundings and have Him help you pull through this and love on your son instead of push him away. He knows you don't approve, he doesn't need to hear that over and over. Best of luck to you as you work to find true Joy in ALL circumstances, right or wrong.

D.,

I underrstand how you feel. I lived alone for the first time when I was 46 years old. I went through a divorce after 22 years of marriage. Both of my children were grown up and gone and I had a very difficult time adjusting to being alone. I was lonely and depressed. It took a little bit of time, but I am finally at a point where I love living alone and not being responsible for or to anyone.

I think I managed this by really developing my relationship with God. I go to church every week, I work in the nursery at church, I mentor a couple of young women in my church and I read my Bible every day. I bought a one year Bible. This is my third year of trying to read it through. I learn more about God and how much I have been blessed through all of this. I also spend a lot of time reading other books that are helping me to understand where I fit into God's plan. I know this is a difficult time for you, but hang in there. Trust God. He will not let you fall. He will either give you wings and teach you how to fly or He will catch you. I will be praying for you.

J.

Get out, Get out, Get out....get God in your life and do what makes you happy...it is your turn.
I didnt say get a divorce, but you need to show yourself that you can move on, be independent and work on your life and take care of yourslef, because no one else will. I have a friend with this same problem and she was so scared, and one day she said enough and got her own apartment and does for herself and it loving it and i have never seen her so happy and free, she is still married and they are working on it, yet she had the added bonus of controling and obsessed as well. Your life is very valuable, we always want what is best for our kids but they have to fall once in a while, he is 22 not 2, take advantage of the fact he is not there, move on........BEST OF LUCK!!!!!

I am assuming that he is at least 18 years old, since you were planning college, and he went to live with his girlfriend instead. My first advice is this... your job of raising him is done! Now that doesn't mean that you can't be there for him, give advice, etc. but you can no longer control his life and the sooner that you accept that the sooner you will get peace about his life choices.I am a Christian mom too, and I have seen my son make some bad decisions, and i have given him lots of advice, but you know what works even better than that? Prayer! Just because you can't make decisions for him, doesn't mean you can't pray continuously for him, and know that God hears those prayers, and wants your son to be on a right and Godly path even more than you do! Don't try to fix him, just pray for him, and be there to help in a loving way when he needs you. Let him know that he can always come to you, and please try not to judge him, that's God's job.Just love him and pray...that's your job! Meanwhile, get something going in your own life. You have your life, and your adult son has his own life. Get a hobby, or part time job, get involved and active in your church! be too busy to worry about your son. If you have raised him right, then he will come around to the Lord and the Lord's ways at some point, in his own time, not your time but his time, just don;t stop praying. I wish you well! Blessings.

First of all make sure you keep your health. Now what we have done when our childred left home was to let them know not to hesitate to come home to stay anytime and not to be embrassed to do that. Also, the advice I have given them was not to stay with an abursive relationship, and to come home.
Also, let your son know you will pay for any higher education (certificate degree)at anytime, because him having a job will keep you from having to financial help him.
Hang in there things will get better as time goies by.

You've had alot of good suggestions. I would add that you should consider volunteering with some cause that you can share your ministry gifts with. There are so many in need and interaction with that may help you to focus on the needs of others. You've done a good job of rearing your son and now you just have to allow him to have his own Damascus Road experience...that is how he will come to know the Lord for himself and it may involve a hard knock or two. Whatever you have instilled in him is still there and he won't depart very far from it.

D., Bless your heart. I heard this and feel it really applies to your situation with your son. You raise your children, love them & teach them. But they are responsible for the choices they make in their life. He & his fiance are responsible for their choices. Let him know your wishes for him then Pray for them, love them, & be there for him especially when they seek your advice, and they will. You are responsible for you.
And now you also need to take some care for yourself. Like many have already said:
Talk to you Gyn Dr & see what would work for you. There must be some therapy or help to make the "transition" easier for you.
Consult a Pastor, counselor/therapist, friend, or family member. Talk about how you are feeling.
Get out everyday. Join a club. Get involved with church. Get a part time job that interests YOU. Take up a hobby that you would enjoy. Do for you, what makes you feel good?
You are obviously a very strong person,(married 22 yrs unhappy) and a dedicated loving Mother (son can make decisions for himself right). You now have some time for you. Would would YOU like?

First off my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you are feeling. It is tough when the children move on and you are left with an alcoholic husband and an unhappy marriage. It is not to late for you though. I was married to an alcoholic and had to take a good look at my life and ask myself if this is what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. The children were on their own and I was left looking at this man who I loved (?) and had been with for a long time but yet I was unhappy and tired of putting up with his drinking. I realized that life is to short and I had three choices. Stay with him and be miserable, stay with him but move on with my life and get involved in outside activities such as church, volunteer work or even go back to work even if part time or leave him nd enjoy what time I have left on this earth. I got involved and loved it and it gave me something to do without staring at him all day. I felt independent and met so many nice people who became my friend. After a while I realized that there was more to life and I got a divorce. Was it different? Yes, but I cherished the peace in my life and you will learn to live with it which ever direction you go. I didn't care if there was someone else out there for me and I was content on living by myself however I eventually did meet someone through friends and we went out for many years and finally married. I could not be happier and am so glad I got my life together and got out of my misery. Sometimes we know we are miserable but don't know what to do or how to go about it. Take charge of your life. Now I don't mean to get a divorce, that is something you would have to decide, but you can still get out and make a life for yourself and leave your husband to drown in his own misery. Don't let him make the rest of your life meaningless. You stayed because of your child and now that child is gone and will not come back. Your child will be fine even though you are not happy with his choices, they are his choices and he will have to make his life path just like we all do. He will learn from it and you never know, this girl he moved in with may be the girl for him, only time will tell. He may even change his mind and stay with the girl and go back to college part time. Believe me, he will figure it out. Good Luck to you and please whatever you do, put yourself first for a change. Trust me your husband will see the new you and be shocked and worried.

First of all, do not feel bad about yourself or your parenting skills because of your son's decisions! Kids do all kinds of unexpected things. Boys, under the spell of a girls love, aren't always thinking clearly. Just be there for him when things don't work out and he realizes he needs to go to school later. Don't do things for him then, just listen to "his plan" to get his life back in order.

You have a lot going on now. I think you should make an appt. with a pastor at your church and unpack all this stuff! Let a pastor pray with you and help you decide how you move forward from here: more schooling for yourself, need to go back to work?, or find an interest, hobby or activity outside the house....
many possibilities.

Also should see your trusted Doc for a regular exam anyway, if you havent' been in a while, and discuss what's going on. There may be some medical issues there that can be helped, but you need to be very honest with your Doctor.

At our church, there is a daytime Bible study for women whose kids are in college, or grown....women who don't work outside the home and some of them do. Some of the gals are married, some divorced, some married a second time...
Look for a support group like that. It will bring wisdom thru God's word and from fellowship, too!

You are in my prayers.

Bless your heart. I totally understand your frustration, sadness, overload. My empty nest took place when our mentally handicapped son moved into a group home several years ago. I cried every night, so afraid that he wouldn't be able to adjust or, worse, that he would think we abandoned him.

You know, it seems that the time in our lives when our bodies are starting to hand us more than we ever wanted to handle, that our lives start to pitch in their own set of pressures. It can make you think you're losing your mind.

My advice to you would be to talk to your gynecologist about your options regarding hormone replacement. I have several friends who have gone the natural route and have done quite well. I went with HRT, and it's been an easy and effective way to handle the side effects like hot flashes, mental confusion, vaginal dryness, etc.

As for your situation with your son...I know your heart must be heavy regarding his decisions to give up on his education and to move in with his intended. But, you know, you can't live his life for him. Sooner or later he will realize what a mistake he made by stopping his schooling. Especially in this depressed economy. I hope he doesn't have to lose his job (assuming he has one) before he decides that he needs a career path. Young people sometimes believe that "all they need is love". I hate to tell him, but "love" won't go very far when the bills pile up and reality comes crashing down on them.

Another suggestion--talk to your pastor and ask for his guidance. It will help you just to "vent", and it's always good having someone else praying for you every day. Get yourself taken care of, and when you do, you'll better be able to handle the issues with your family.

One last thing--call out to your heavenly Father in prayer. Tell Him all the things in your heart, all your fears and frustrations. God is faithful; He will comfort you and sustain you. Believe me, I KNOW He will--He did as much for me.

Remember God has a plan for you. Sounds as if life handed you a pile of lemons..some of them are rotten. Your son is going to make big bad mistakes. Be there for him when he needs you. I am sorry your going threw this. I think stepping back from the youth group was wise. But I think you should definatly find some group in the church. Now is the time that you need to focuse(sp) on yourself/soul. If the natural hormones arent working you might need something stronger. Depression changes the chemicals in your brain. you might need other chemicals (medication) to fix that to right again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3CVlv2dz3w

Hi D.
So sorry you are having to go thru this. so many parents have to do the same thing and it is not always fun.
First I would suggest that you get yourself back into society- be it working with your church group again or finding a "home business" that you like and will keep you communicating with the outside world. When I retired and moved away from most of our children I had some of the same feelings- then I found a great home based business that really got me back into real life again-
the empty nest most likely will not be that empty for long- try to endure the fact that your son and his fiance' are just living together and "pretend" if you can that she is your daughter in law- this will make it a little easier for you to adjust to their lifestyle (not yours and not mine either) but it sseems like that generation does not share our values.
Just find something to do that gets you out of the house or keeps your mind occupied as much as possible. Don;t fall into the couch potato syndrome because you are too young for that- if you are interested in what I did you can PM me and we can talk privately-
good luck and blessings