Ok I am a stay at home mom of 3 amazing children. I am so proud of all of them! This issue pertains to my 14 year old.
He is a great kid, I couldn't have dreamed of a better young man. He is smart, has a good head on his shoulders, takes all honors/AP classes, gets all A's & B's, plays in the school band, was just elected to the student body, and has already taken it upon himself to look into colleges & scholorships ect (he has big dreams, I am a very proud and lucky mom). He is only a freshman and JUST started high school.
While I am excited for him and absolutely beaming about him, I am so afraid of these teen years. Since he began high school this year I feel like I have aged about 20 years!
I have been talking to my kids about everything since the could talk. In an age appropriate manner of course. I've done this because I NEVER want them to feel uncomfortable to come to me with anything. I am open and honest with them as they are with me. (sometimes inside I am a little uncomfortable from time to time but I "never let 'em see me sweat) So far my kids come to me with everything and we talk everyday. I know everything about my kids as well as knowing all their friends and parents. I show genuine interest in everything they are interested in or want to do.
HOWEVER, this year a whole new group of friends (along with the old ones) have entered the picture. I have met a few, but not all, and haven't met any of the parents yet. I am noticing parent involvement dwindles in high school. (I think they need even more involvement than ever before!)I never miss an activity, or opportunity to help out. I stay in contact with all the teachers through the school website and a special grading website.
Now, my son has no problem with me reading his text messages and never hides anything from me. (even if he thinks it's bad or is a bit embarrassed he will still come to me!) And because of how responsible he has proven to me he is at the moment, when he recently requested a "myspace" page, I allowed it, with rules. I must have access at ALL times, (which I do, and even sit with him sometimes) and he is only allowed to have friends who he goes to school with or family, no exceptions.
Now, my newest issue is GIRLS!!! Oh my goodness, we've only been in school for about a month or so and he already has 4 girls after him. Two are freshman, one is a sophomore, and one is a 17 year old junior!! I have met each of them already, the two freshman and the sophomore girl at open house, and the junior girl I met at one of the band practices. They are all very nice and typical teenage girls.
Friday he actually kissed the 17 year old junior. (he has never kissed a girl before, so this was big!) I asked so many questions!! It very bittersweet to know my first born child is entering this stage and becoming a man. I have read their text messages, and they are typical teenage flirting, however slightly suggestive, like "what would you do if you were here with me right now?"!!
I am continuously talking to him about these issues and I listen to him and his side as he does mine. Suddenly I find myself freaking out a little, things I thought were no big deal as a teen myself, as a parent I now find a very big deal! OMG! When did I grow up and get old?!!! (sorry mom, I understand now! lol)
So I guess my question is how do I stay connected with him through out these teen years, how do I handle these girls? This is all completely new territory for us all here. I have issues with the 17 year old, because he is only 14, and she is 1 year away from legally being an adult... and guess what... of course she is the one he really likes!!! I don't want to have him start doing things behind my back, but I am unsure what to do. Girls, sex, drugs/alcohol, teen years scare me to death!!
I'm probably over reacting, but I just feel like things have sped up here and have alot being thrown into the mix all of the sudden!!
Can you offer me any advice, suggestions, insight, encouragement, or kind words? What are you doing or have you done with your teen and these issues? What worked for you? I'll appreciate ANY advice or ANYTHING you have to say. Thank you!
It sounds like you are doing an awesome job. His dad should probably step in about now and do a little man to man talking, ya know?
Congrats, you sound right on target. However, it sounds like you need to take the straight talk to the next level- the young adult level. I am not sure what your family's "rules" are about boy/girl relationships, but it sounds like you need to have the very open talk about young women, and their motivations, the overwhelming urges of hormones, situations that may come up and how you would like that handled, per your family "rules". You are not overreacting, I have worked in middle school and high school counseling, and know more than I care to admit about what goes on. Things have sped up and girls are more sexually assertive (aggressive) than ever - but that does not mean they are emotionally equipped to deal with the ramifications of actions and choices made in the heat of the moment.
So if abstinence is your family choice - then you need to really re-visit that with him. If birth control is your family choice - then you need to do the same. The more you talk about it, the more they stop and think before acting, because they have more information.
Good luck!
Hi M.
First let me be the next person to say "great Job!!!!"
I have 5 teens right now ages 13 to 17 and I can say that your doing the right thing! Your son needs you more than ever right now and he is going to start pushing you away a little bit over the next 2 years or so, just be ready, no matter the parenting, this will happen. That said, at 14 its a bit early to let go. I would have an issue with the 17 year old also but you must not forbid it as human nature will cause the attraction to be more. This girl will most likely be done with your son soon as she will have a different direction.
In the meantime, stay close, stay involved "too much" lol and you have done the work already, he will do fantastic! One thing is to keep him focused on his future and I sometimes remind my teens that relationships should be carefree and not serious in anyway until the really importiant stuff is done (SCHOOL, COLLEGE, FUTURE PATH ETC.) My girls have more trouble with this than my boys..lol.. go figure!!!
I always talk about how a relationship interfears with the sucess if its rushed into or taken too far and too seriously too soon. This preaching works for us as well as a solid relationship with Christ and church family.
Much luck and mommy support to you!!
C.
Hi M. M.
I'll do the best I can to give you advice, but I don't think you will like what I say... but here goes. I raised a son, now 22 and serving in U.S. Air Force, and a daughter now 15 who currently resides with me. One of the most important things to our teenagers is that we TRUST them. It is vitally important to them that we trust their judgments as young adults and provide guidance and loving support. It sounds like you have a great young adult that you have raised very well and that you have excellent communication with. Trust that. From what you have described, you are WAY too much up in his business.. checking text messages and the my space and being at every function at school is very embarrassing to your teen and he will eventually feel that you don't trust him or his judgment and he will eventually resent you and may even rebel... which you do not want. Let yourself off the hook a little bit, this is the time that we need to be there for them, but let them go a little bit out on their own... let him prove to you that you have raised a good person and a person who can function without your every involvement... he sounds like a great person and you should give him some room to make choices and mistakes.. this is part of growing up. He is also very lucky to have a mom like you who loves him so much and wants to be involved in his life... just let him go a bit and I think you will be surprised at how well he does on his own. Still keep an eye on him, but watch from a distance. I think that once you see how good his decisions are, you will have a lot more peace as well. Good luck and God Bless You and your family.
You are in the same situation I am with my 15 yr old. The question I always ask myself is: Do I trust my son in how I raised him? Immediately I can answer yes because of who I am and know that he will do what is proper. Even though there may be outside parties that may push him in the wrong direction, I believe deep down he will know what is good for him. Remember when you were his age and how much you flirted (at least I did). But I also know that once in awhile there were times that I did have to definitely think before I acted and I remembered to when my parents had lectured me.
Hang in there.
Email any time.
T.
I have a 16 1/2 daughter, who is, not to sound bostful, (very beautiful). She has had this boyfriend now for 2 years and it was really hard at first... but what I came to realise is it is better to be there in it with them and be a support to them being able to guide them in having a relationship, being responsible and having enought love and respect for one another to hold on to purity.
Thank God he lives in Philly and my daughter her...
They travel back and forth to see each other ..they raise their own money and we as parents guide and support them ..
This has been so far a very good way of keeping them safe and on the right track..
It has benifitted as far as school goes too. As they are required to keep their grads up in order to have travel mercies.
It has been a nice experience watching my little girl growing into a young woman and helping her to learn how to respect her self and how to work through relationship and setting boundries. I am hoping in the end they will have the tools to make good decissions for the future as they already show this...
I think this is a great time to establish good boundried with your son and being supportive while teaching him how to respect woman and being a cut above! It is good to talk to him about what is interests are and what he sees as a future plan with anyone he is seeing... Ask him to talk about what he is looking for in a girl friend and let him know you are geniunly interested in his interests. Let him know about the consiquences of making bad choices also about emotions, silly game and how popularity also come into play as may young kids are about popularity and conquest and with it comes more heartache
Best of Wishes,
Julie
Hi. Keep the communication lines open as you always have. Stay very involved with him and his activities, the school activities, etc. I would probably explain to him the difference between a 17-yr old girl and him. I don't know how you feel about dating and what age, but I would keep it where you drive him to activities and don't let the 17-yr old girl do it. If he feels the need to see her, open your home to this.
I agree with you with regard to how little parents are involved in high school. My children are grown with kids of their own, but back when they were in high school, I stayed on top of everything. It was so that when the school did not respond, I would go to the superintendent... it was to the point that I went to the school to pick up a child or talk to the principal or whatever and everyone knew who I was.
You need to have rules still and it's good that you have such a good relationship with your children. Keep it up and you will be just fine.
You are AWESOME!!!! WOW!! We could all learn from you!!! I guess I just had to tell you that. ,...I think...the best thing is to always have an open line of communication. I believe you have established this. Is there a man in the picture?,husb.,boyfriend, or partner? If so maybe thay can speak together about "anything" , but especially the area of your concern. What I find to be the most harmful in "young Love" is the illogical emotions behind it.It's like one big whirlwind of emotions. As teens I don't know if they ever realize the risk of involving your Heart!?? Maybe if somehow you'all can speak of "outcomes" of unreturned intentions, and what it really means. Remind them that, the most important Love is to Love yourself. Ths strong re-affirmation of this concept will hopefully help with some of the confusion that goes along with interactions between a man and a woman (let alone a YOUNG man and a young woman).All the teaching,and preaching of "Be considerate" of others feelings, comes hard into play here. If your kids are brought up with that," treat others as you would want to be treated ",idea they will be strong footed in their own behavior as a giver, and (hopefully) recognize manipulative,rude, or uncalled for behavior toward them. Maturity give us a lot of responsibility, especially with others feelings. It's up to us to teach our kids how to handle such responsibility. I have a STRONG feeling you are and already have given your kids the Loving , but reality based, BOOST they need in life. You are most likely to be very proud of your young man's emancipation into the "relationship" world. Good Luck!!,.. you are really quite prepared!!!
M.,
Just by reading your posting, you have so much going for you, your lines of communication are OPEN...and it is obvious that your son knows this...keep it going!!
As a Mom of 2 boys (27 and 20)I would be concerned that the junior really likes your son and that he is not a "challenge" amongst her friends...you know how girls can be and I sure hope I didn't put a new thought into your mind!!!
All the best...and you're right, parent involvement goes right down when kids get into high school, but be pro-active and continue your involvement!!
M.,
It sounds to me like you have already done everything right! You have open lines of communication with your son, which is alot more than most parents can say. He obliviously respects your opinion, and so far doesn't seem bothered by your need to know what, where & when. Just go with the flow, mom.
I don't think your'e over reacting,cause you care about your kids & what & who they associate with. Hang in there......
We raise our children to become upstanding young men & women. The hard part is when you relize you accomplished that, and it's time to let them try thier own wings.......
Don't fret, he sounds like a boy who knows his boundries & respects his parents. GOOD JOB!!!! I wish ALL parents had the same.....L.
