Long Distance Relationship

You guide her by backing off. She has to make mistakes before she can bring mistakes to you to discuss. In two years she will be going off to college you won't be able to micromanage her life then. She has to learn and the only way is to go out and make her own decisions.

wow!
i'd have sent you a scathing email too!
i wouldn't 'guide' her at all. it's up to her whether or not this relationship is worth the difficulties of long-distance work.
i'd simply support her and offer an understanding ear.
khairete
S.

I CANNOT BELIEVE that you reached out to this boy directly. Did I really read that correctly? You REALLY E-MAILED YOUR DAUGTHER'S BOYFRIEND AND TOLD HIM TO BREAK UP WITH HER??!!!!??!!!

I'm sorry but you have MAJOR boundary issues. Major. Have you no respect at all for your daugther's privacy and dignity? Navigating the ins and outs of teenage relationships is a wonderful, healthy opportunity for teenagers to learn and grow. Yes, our children will make bad decisions and go through heartbreaks. Yes, we will sometimes disagree with their decisions or worry that they're missing out on things by sticking with someone they only see every now and again. Yes, we'll wonder if the college boyfriend is really being true.

BUTT OUT OF HER LOVE LIFE, learn some boundaries, and show her some respect. The person she needs to find her voice with and stand up to is YOU. Do you really not see that she can't find her voice if you are so intrusive as to try to speak for her about her love life to her boyfriend?

I'm sorry for all of the yelling but really, I am shocked that a parent would do this and think your behavior is just outrageous.

I think you daughter is 16 and needs to communicate with her boyfriend HERSELF about HER relationship.

For you to email your daughter's boyfriend and tell him to end the relationship is completely inappropriate..... even though your intention was to protect your daughter.

It's time for you to back off.

Have conversations with her that are about you listening and her talking. Let your daughter discover what she wants in a boy.... and trust that you have modeled the right behavior and that she makes good decisions.

Really ?!?!
You sent the boy an email telling him "the two should end the relationship" -

Wow - talk about invade your daughter's space much.

He lives 14 hours away - so how often do they really see each other?
You squire them around so they are never alone.
I don't see the problem.

Look, you teach your daughter a moral compass, self respect, and YOU give her all the tools she needs to navigate into adulthood. At some point you need to loosen the apron strings and trust her.

Of course you got a scathing email from the boy - you insulted him and his integrity, and showed how little you trust him and your own daughter.

Have you told her about the email? I imagine the fall out from that will be nuclear.

Yeah, my husband's parents tried to break us up when he went away for college, too.

Did you catch that? He's my husband now. So apparently, their plans failed. And you can imagine that we have a WONDERFUL in-law relationship now, because what kid DOESN'T like it when their parents try to interfere in their relationship?

One major difference, though. His parents didn't write to me asking me to break up with him. Nope, even they knew better than to cross that line. You didn't help your daughter find her voice, you took her voice away from her. You made such a huge mistake that I honestly doubt this can be fixed without some family therapy. I advise you seek out a mediator as soon as possible, in the hopes that your relationship with your daughter can be salvaged with professional help.

The good news is that I was actually with my husband nine years before I married him. We both graduated from college first. Our parents actually had raised us to put our goals and dreams first, and we did. I couldn't be happier. Trust that you raised your daughter that way, too. Please, have some faith in her.

Good luck.

What you did is a huge invasion of privacy you'll damage your relationship with your girl if you continue to do stuff like that. What gave you the right to butt into her life in such a personal way?

If you want your daughter to "find her voice" maybe you should quiet your own.

i think the ladies have all given great advice. i'm just going to add, that IF you take their advice, you will need to eat some major crow. you will need to apologize, mean it, and stick to it, if you hope to regain your daughter's trust. "i'm sorry guys. i think i made a mistake, i hope you can understand that. i want you two to be smart and make good decisions. the rules i expect you to follow are x, y, and z. but i won't keep you apart as long as you respect them." and then DO IT. i'd be very interested to know what you decide. so many people come on here asking for help - but it's easier to get mad and storm away, than to do the right thing (or at least, the thing that dozens of people are telling you is right- which, chances are, is the same thing)

after your swh: i think you were trying to defend your position as to "why" the iron fist with these two...but really all the rambling just confused me more. are these kids developmentally delayed??? not to be rude but that's what it sounds like. neither of them drive, why not? you really seem to give the impression that neither of them have a brain in their heads. i think it sounds to me, like you were called out and no one agreed with you, yet you are still attempting to explain why you're in the right. i'm happy for you if the email ended up opening some doors of communication - if that's the case, you got VERY lucky. be thankful they aren't sneaking around now, after that. but it doesn't make it right. honestly it sounds to me like they are both so firmly under your thumb that nothing will get them out at this point. it seems as though you have "taken in" this boy too, acting as his parent in many ways. what will happen when they are adults and are suddenly independent of you and have to make these life decisions for themselves? i foresee panic, going overboard, not knowing how to police themselves. but then i have an acquaintance whose grown sons sound similar to this situation - they never moved out of the house and still live at home. so maybe that's the route they will take. i certainly don't feel you are preparing your daughter to be an adult. and it seems very odd to me that this boy doesn't drive? the situation just gets more strange sounding, the more you try to explain it.

I was a senior in high school when I met my husband.
He was a freshman.
When we first met I was 17 and he was 14.
We went to different colleges (an hour away from each other) and still dated.
We wrote and called each other (this was before internet and email).
We got our degrees, got jobs, and got married in that order.
We courted a total of 9 years.
It's true that most of the time that long distance relationships don't work out.
But every once in a great while they do.
We celebrate our 24th anniversary this summer.
So - just keep their focus on their future and what they need to do to make it happen.
They've got a lot of growing up to do.
But if it's meant to be, then eventually he might end up being your son in law.

You made a big mistake, in trying to get him to break up with her. Any openness she had with you, is probably out t he window now. You will have to work very had, to regain any trust or openness with her.

You need to back off and stop trying to sabotage her relationships, or you will sabotage your own relationship with her. If you don't allow her to find her own way through this, then she will never be prepared for the real world. You have to let her make her own decisions, and trust that you already gave her the right guidance. She will be an ADULT in two years. You can't keep doing this in her life. She will flounder.

I agree whole heartedly with Lesley, TF and JB, who all said it perfectly, so I won't repeat.
As a personal story:
I had a boyfriend at 14/almost 15 who was a just-graduated senior. We dated for the summer, he left for college and my mom tried to pressure me into ending the relationship. There were no other guys on my horizon really and I wasn't like they were lining up at the door for me, so it felt like she was asking me to give up something for nothing. I clung to him even more because I was being pressured by Mom.
Mom also, during an attempt on my part to have a real talk about sex with her (as a virgin) informed me that she would break up any relationship I was in if she found out I was having sex while still in high school. The only thing she succeeded with this statement was to ensure that I was alone with no one to talk to when I did decide to have sex and was alone when that relationship went bad and turned controlling or when I blurred sex and love in another relationship. I was only honest with her about when I lost my virginity when I was in my 20's and then and still now, happily married and in my 30's, she lays on the guilt of how I made such a stupid choice and never talked to her about it.
Just something to think about.
-lost it at 15 and can count the number of guys on my fingers at 34

JB said it all... It was not meant to be mean or rude. It is true... you have some major control issues regarding boundaries and you need to get it under control or you will run your daughter out of your life.

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I would not have interfered in the relationship, especially by communicating with him regarding my wishes that they break up.

That action alone could have just ended what trust and openness you had with your daughter and she may very well clam up and end communication with you. What teen wouldn't if mom is butting in the relationship?

She is 16... not a preteen. Trust that you have raised her well and she will make good choices. My parents never interfered in any relationship I had. They trusted that I was mature enough to figure things out on my own. You can' be making all of her decisions all of her life... you have to let go.

That said, she is 16 and they are not even allowed to be together unchaperoned? I am not saying it is ok for them to be behind a bedroom door in private but gees.. they need to grow up, experience the first love so they can grow emotionally.

You don't "teach" her to find her voice. You don't "guide" her to do things your way. This is HER life. Hopefully you have been a postiive role model in your role as mom and wife which would show her a healthy relationship and that comes without specific instructions. She probably thinks she can do nothing right and has low self esteem if you are taking charge of every aspect of her life.

No matter how much you don't want them together, if you are interfering you are pushing them together. They want the forbidden fruit.

Everybody has a 1st love... don't you remember that?

I would think that any bond the couple had with you is severly damaged at this point because you have made it clear that you don't trust them.

Do what you can now to communicate with your daughter, meaning LISTEN to her and hope she will open up to you again after this major flub. Apologize for butting in and allow her to make her own mistakes so she will be a better adult.

Out of curiousity, what was your husband's response to what you did?

At 16, she is at the age of consent and there is nothing unusual about a 16 year-old girl dating a college freshman. If you haven't taught her self-confidence, self-respect, and boundaries by now, well... The only way for her to "find her voice" is if you let her. Leave them alone and let her grow up. Work on reestablishing your boundaries and her trust, so that she can talk with you.

If he keeps coming around even though you don't leave them alone for a minute (at 16 & 18??) then maybe he is a "good guy".

The more you are in the middle of this, the more they will be drawn together, for better or worse. I am at least as square as you. I just understand human nature and this kind of relationship. It will either die a natural, lonely death and fizzle out or it will blossom and be a forever one. Either way, you don't want to be the cause of either outcome.

You want it to be an honest, open relationship with all the stresses and yes, hurts that go with it. A relationship that has artificial pressures or even convinces is grown in a hot house and won't grow as hardy or be able to take real life stress. I would bet money (and I don't bet) that your daughter is capable of making good choices and her beau sounds ready to treat her as you would expect.

You are at a tipping point right now. Too many rules and too much interference wont get you compliance, it will get you resentment and rebellion. Exactly what you don't want. A hurting child because she figures out that he is not what she wants in some way is better than one that presses on in a relationship just to show you. Pain comes with the territory.

Be brave.

I am trying to read your post very well, so I understand...." We drive them on dates to the movies, mall, etc. so they do not have unchaperoned time" , and......." I sent him an email an explained that I think the two should end the relationship ....." ...So H. is what I see. First, you helped to date a "not good guy", and then you sent him an e-mail to let him know that you think they should end this relationship. For what you tell in the beginning is a "good guy" ("He says he wants a real future with her. They do go out when he is in town and have such a fun time..."). Then, you send the boy an e-mail. You do not send an e-mail to this boy, you talk to YOUR daughter if you want to say something, fix something, guide HER or else.
Now, at the age of 16 ,now days, with a long distance relationship or a next door relationship they, both, would do exactly the same chaperoned or unchaperoned.
So what I see, they are having a nice relationship and he moved to Boston, they keep communicating and dating each other...what is the problem, exactly??? ...Just keep open your communication with your daughter and keep an eye on how things develop. You cannot involve yourself in the way you did it. Just keep boundaries, clear expectations and leave things take its natural course. Some long distance relationships grows and some others not, especially at this age. Encourage her to do other things, enjoy her spare time doing sports, activities, music art so she has more opportunities to meet new people.

The more you try to interfere, the more they'll fight to be together. That's just part of being young and "in love."

Did you ever have a young love? If so, you might be able to relate to her a story about your experience with being a teenager in love. Thank GOD I didn't end up with my high school boyfriend! What a disgusting life I'd have today--so far from what my actual goals and values were. After I dated that guy, my friend gave me a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," and I adhered to it for a few years, until I met my wonderful husband. ETA: My parents had ZERO involvement in my relationship with my boyfriend--they allowed me enough time and space to figure it out on my own, and I did.

ETA2: My husband and I started as a long distance relationship, having met on (GASP), the internet while in college in different states. We were engaged within 6 months of starting to date, but didn't get married for another 3.5 yrs after that. We've now been together over 11 years.

I don't understand. If they have stayed together for 2 years, and they have not become sexually involved, and if he is now in college, WHY are you thinking he is a bad boy NOW when your original challenge was last year? Was that resolved in a positive way? If yes, then you are sending very mixed messages and this is just confusing to her, and to him. Trying to push them apart will push them together. This relationship will either fade because they are apart, or it will strengthen because it is real or because you keep trying to separate them. Stop contacting him. If he is being a good young man, stop judging him.

How is going behind her back by e-mailing her boyfriend about what YOU want in any way teaching her to spot good guys and find her own voice?

Talk with your daughter. She is going to be going to college herself soon, so putting her in a bubble isn't going to help. Yes, she is your "baby", but in reality, she is a YOUNG WOMAN. Abstinance is best, but I hope you are teaching her about her body, how it works, etc., and how to take care of herself in general so she has the tools for being on her own.

I think you should step back and let this take it's course. The more of a fuss you make about this the more you will bring the two together. Nothing that brings two young lovers closer together than parental interference. Never read Romeo and Juliet?

If you just keep your mouth shut and simply have reasonable expectations of your 16 year old in all likelihood this will fizzle out, given the age difference and the distance. Maybe there will be some heartbreak, which is fine, it's part of life. Maybe they will just eventually grow apart.

And honestly if they both REALLY make it through his 4 years of college and stay together... he is probably not such a bad guy.

Good luck.

Well, I think you should talk to HER about HER behavior and how to expect more from herself and others. I would not be emailing the boyfriend because if the issue is what your daughter allowed to happen, then the problem is HERs to resolve. So what are you doing with her? Where is her self-esteem? Her ability to make her own choices? And if you are against some of her choices, then why? Have you talked to her much about love, sex, romance, relationships....?

Now, I will say that at 18 you can cause him a lot of trouble, but also in many states 16 is the age of consent. Your baby will not necessarily be seen as a baby in the eyes of the law. So, again, what are you doing with/for her? Do you know her thoughts? her questions? her ideas? her dreams? Or are you merely talking AT and AROUND her?

My SD went off to college and left behind her then 17 yr old BF. And it fizzled out on its own within a month or two. Either it will work or it won't. You've approved this relationship for 2 years if I understand your message, so did you bite your tongue all the time or was there no problem til he turned 18 and went to school? You've been assisting them in seeing each other but then you write him an email like that - that's a mixed message. So what's really going on here?

I have a 15 yo daughter who is dating a 17 yo guy. They have never hung out besides in school. He's not a "good" kid and not someone I would chose for her, but I'd rather she learn this now while she's still at home. I didn't forbid it b/c I didn't want to push her to be with him. I think he'll get bored with her and move on. She may get her heart broken and I'm ok with that. It's all part of learning and growing-up.
With your daughter, I think by getting directly involved in her relationship you're bonding them together and she may want to prove you wrong and hold on to the relationship for that reason. Encourage her to go out and have fun with her friends and see the bf on the limited basis when he's home visiting his parents. Their alone time is limited or non-existent so you're removing the possible sex element. Sounds like he really does care for her. Let it run its course. She needs to have a voice in her relationship and make the choices for herself instead of you making her choices for her.

Why in the world would you even take them on dates together and encourage your daughter to date this boy when he was touching her on the bus? Then you write him an email telling him to break up with your daughter. It's like your hot and cold. It sounds like you don't even know what you want, so why would your daughter respect your wishes and listen to you?

They are lovesick teenagers and are separated by distance. At least you know she isn't sneaking around with a hometown boy doing God knows what. I think I would be relieved about that.
I say back off and see how it pans out. They are young and, while I realize that some people marry their childhood sweethearts, most people just don't.
I do think you crossed the way over the line by sending him an email like that. If you want to guide your girl, be a good role model for trust yourself.

is she having any fun with other people while he is away????, I would think it would naturally fade if she found someone to occupy her time.

and how are things with him at college, isn't he making new friends??? and thinking about other girls.

I"m not trying to imply that either one of htem needs to play the field just sort of wondering --how they are managing to stay close while so far away.

Long distance relationships seldom work for adults. Do you think it'll work for teens? (yes, all of us have a chance of winning the lotto too!!)
Boys in their teens think with the wrong head most of the time. They just want to have fun. A relationship to them is just another word.
Teens in relationships are not a good mix. It's all about raw emotions and the need to explore; as adults we know better than to allow or be part of our children being in these situations/relationships. No, we cannot tell our teens exactly what to do; however, we can certainly set rules and standards for them to follow and consequences if they don't. Teens and relationships is not a good mix.
Be a leader! Be a parent! Guide your daughter in better ways to enjoy her teen years. So what if the world disagrees in you being a strict parent. It's best to be strict than consenting now days.
These days more than ever, kids need parents to guide them and show them better ways as they already have many friends.
Good luck to you and your daughter!!!

wow.. does your daughter know you did this?? i think you really crossed a line here.. if i were your daughter id be furious!.. your daughters 16 shes not a baby