I Dont Sleep I Need Help

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Like Michelle M, I also use Tracy Hogg's "Baby Wisperer" book as a guideline to help me train my kids to sleep on their own. The key is consistency and a whole lotta patience, but establishing a sleep routine has kept us all sane. Depending on how long you've had this issue it may require longer time to re-train her but the end result it's truly worth it. After all, we've all been there.

Okay, first I have so many questions...

1. Has she ever slept in her crib?
2. Did you co-sleep before?
3. Is this new or are you transitioning her to her crib from your bed?

I think, knowing some more about what's going on would help. My son has never slept in his 'crib', and I've chosen to co-sleep with him to this day. He's happy and healthy, and we're moving towards the big boy bed now. While I understand your sleep is precious, you may want to do research on sleep methods before you let her CIO for that long.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=4263379&page=1

It would appear to me, that you need to find a routine and stick with it. You can't just expect her to know what you want her to do. If she has grown used to sleeping in your bed, she doesn't understand why she can't anymore. It's confusing and frustrating, and toddlers do not handle change easily without transition and patience.

If you want her to sleep in her crib, you have to make that transition smoothly...start with naps, and move up to bedtime. Create a safe and comforting space, that is hers, but where she knows Mommy will always come back to take care of her needs.

Kids experience seperation anxiety at various ages/stages, and can have this pop up during times of change and transition. Please be aware that this is a very difficult thing for everyone. Don't despair, it will get better. You just have to find a routine and stick with it consistently.

Good Luck!

A method I've heard of (haven't tried, so don't have personal experience) is moving the crib next to your bed. Then slowly (over a period of days or weeks) moving the crib further away, until it is finally in her own room. Also, you wrote that when you "put her down in her crib she wakes up", at 19-months old, it is time that she learns to fall asleep on her own. Putting her in her crib after your nighttime routine, but before she is completely asleep, may help with this. Good Luck.

Is this something she always did? Or is it something new?
If this is something new she is doing... it is probably a phase and she is changing per normal developmental quirks and natural phases. ALL kids/babies go through this.
Or, sometimes it is because of teething, separation anxiety, developmental & cognitive changes in a baby. All normal.

1) BUT, YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT, and have a REGULAR nap time/bed time... everyday. Always.
2) you need to put her down while she is still awake... but at her nap time. BY NOW... she must have a 'pattern' of when you notice she gets tired...ie: rubbing eyes, fussy, yawning etc. THIS is when their 'cues' have to alert you to when she is tired. So, at regular times, put her to nap at this time.
3) at this age, they still DO nap, and need a nap. Probably in the morning or afternoon, or both.
4) try giving her a lovey or some baby safe toys in her crib, to distract her and 'entertain' herself with in her crib. Maybe give her a little pillow to sleep on too. Making the crib comfy and cozy.
5) It will take time... many weeks... but if you have a REGULAR routine with her, and regular times you put her to nap... it will regulate her too. ie: EVERYDAY.. I put my son down to nap at about 10:00a.m. and then in the afternoon at about 3:00. He naps, regularly. I have ALWAYS done this with him and always had the SAME pre-nap and nap routines. Everyday. Thus, he knows what to expect and KNOWS what nap-time means. I put him down in his crib for nap at the same times everyday. No fail. He will entertain himself in the crib and then fall asleep. I have toys in the crib for him, I even place them in the same place in his crib, everything the SAME everyday. This then 'triggers' the child into a routine and for them to have constancy.

If you do not want to co-sleep with her in YOUR bed.. an option would be to have a floor mattress in your room... then put her down there, lie down with her, then once she falls asleep you can leave. That is what we do. And when our kids want to have me co-sleep with them (which at night this is what we do), then I do. But our own bed, is just for us. And at naps, they sleep in their OWN bed... my daughter in her room and my son in his crib. But again... this is our DAILY routine....so they know it and they don't protest about it. Only at night do we co-sleep if anything.

Put your girl in her crib.. tuck her in while still awake...give her a lovey, make everything dark and quiet. Then say 'goodnight' and then leave. Let her be and gauge her... many times a child at this age will just babble to themselves and 'play' in the crib....but this is a normal pre-sleep thing... but once they wind-down, then can lull themselves to sleep. You don't have to 'stop' her self-play, just let her be. It's fine. BUT if she is screaming/crying/yelling... then go in and comfort her, repeat that it is nap time etc. pat her, tuck her in etc. It will be repetitive...but it is a 'routine' that you are building within her.

Also, before nap... have a 'quiet time.' My routine is: I tell my son verbally "nap time soon...." then we go downstairs, I give him his milk, we read or watch a "Little Bear" video (a CALM show which is real cute, by Maurice Sendak), and then I let him wind-down. Then I change his diaper... I give him verbal head's up again saying "nap time in one minute..." he nods his head... then I make everything dark, put him in his jammies, check his diaper, carry him into our room, close the mini-blinds, put him in the crib, turn on a fan on low for white noise, tuck him in, tell him good-night, kiss him, then I walk out and close the door. Then after about 15 minutes he falls asleep. It's like auto-pilot by now, because I do this EVERY day. The same routine. Yes, he 'talks' and plays a bit first, but it's fine. He is doing his routine. But I know after that and after he 'plays' in his crib, he will fall asleep.

So that is just one example and it works for my kids. ROUTINE. That is important. But it takes time.
From learning from my 2 kids... a child does not like to be just picked up with no warning and then plopped right into the crib... they need a warning that nap is coming up... then they need to wind-down... and transitioned. First. It is a process. For me, the whole pre-nap routine takes about 1/2 hour before I actually PUT my son in his crib.

Well sorry for rambling, but this is what I do and works for my kids. Both my kids still nap. My son is 29 months and my daughter is 6 years old. The same routine. They both nap at the same time in the afternoon. Because I have a routine with them. And yes, I arrange my schedule around their nap times. But bearing in mind, that at certain developmental changes or ages, they DO change and this does cause a hiccup in their sleep/nap ability. So there is flexibility for that. But, then the we have a 'quiet time' for when they cannot fall asleep as usual.

All the best,
Susan

I know this is harder since it is new, but we always put our daughter in her crib awake. Once she was old enough to play, we put some toys in her crib so she could play. Not only did she learn to put herself to sleep, she learned to play in her room and entertain herself. We did start this from day one, so it was easier.

Also, something else that might help .... try putting a hotwater bottle in her bed 10-15 minutes before you put her in, then take it out when you put her down .... the bed will be warm - like you.

Good luck!

Hi - it sounds like your daughter needs to be taught how to sleep on her own in her crib. Check out "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems" by Tracy Hogg - you can get it at your library, bookstore or Half.com. Its a process to get kids to learn to sleep on their own after co-sleeping, but it can be done, and done without using the cry it out method. Good luck!!

There ain't nothin wrong with letting her continue to sleep in your bed.

Honey,
You need to let her cry for longer then 20-30 minutes. My 20 month old has cried for at least 2 hours before falling asleep on her own.(yes,I check on her every 10 minutes or so) My daughter also like to sleep in my bed all the time. I finally got sick and tired of her being a bed hog, and she now only sleeps in her crib. Yes, she still cries like crazy sometimes, but she knows that this is the way it's going to be. They eventually fall asleep. Believe me, I know it's very hard, I have been going through it for the longest time. (She has always been a horrible sleeper) You just have to be consistant and always follow through. Which is my problem........ my baby is sick right now with a horrible cold and when she wakes up in the middle of the night coughing, I bring her into my bed.....
I just can't help it. When she is all better, I will crack the whip again and get her back on track.
Don't worry, it doesn't last forever. Just close the doors and she will fall asleep eventually.
Good luck!

I am a faithful follower of attachment parenting and dont believe in the cry-it-out method. I know it works for people but I cannot see how teaching a toddler to just "give up" on a parent being there to comfort them is a good thing.

Anyway, I dont want to make anyone mad on here. I just wanted to recommend a book by Elizabeth Pantley and Dr. William Sears. It's called the "No Cry Sleep Solution" and it has some very real, proven, approaches to helping toddlers learn to sleep on their own. There are lots of books out there on the subject, it isnt easy, it takes a lot of work to help teach your kid how to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own but I think the time you put in to the effort is worth the results (a well adjusted, happy baby and a no longer sleep deprived parent).

Hm.....give up? and let her sleep in your bed! sweet surrender
to the love of your child..when i was little my parents never let me sleep in their bed and i so wish the did!it made me feel not wanted or loved enough.You carry that feeling throught your whole life.
M.,happily co-sleeping with her two bundles of love-5 and 22 months /plus a hubby and 2 cats/.

I agree with the others - let her cry it out. My babies cried 30 min. at 5 months old, so at 19 mos old it could take hours, but you will be so so glad you did it. It was life changing for me. One time at a nap my daughter cried when she usually didn't cry, and finally fell asleep. I later found out she had poop in her diaper, and I felt so bad, but it only happened once. It didn't cause any harm. If you always go back to check for a dirty diaper, they will just cry all that much longer. Good luck!!

We had a routine: bath then story.

We put our baby to bed and set up a bed next to his.

When he would stir (and BEFORE starting to cry), I would pat/rub his back/arm/head/foot and tell him to lie down/go to sleep.

I got sleep and so did he.

This was slowly phased out to : just talking; no one in the room but coming in as soon as he stirred; talking to him from another room.

I'll start by saying that we've chosen to co-sleep. That said, as our children get older it's nice to have them out of the bed sometimes, to have more room and just be mom and dad. If you want it to be a permanent change, you'll need to make a regular routine (shorter is probably better, bc whatever you consistently do is what they'll get used to) and be very consistent. There are ways to do it without making them 'cry it out', which I personally don't want to do with my children. Even at an older age, there are ways to transition them to let them know you love them and haven't abandoned them, although at an older age they know you haven't just disappeared as it is for infants. I think it will take time and baby steps to get your child out of your bed and into their own so be patient and loving and learn all you can about it. Research some books with a gentler philosophy, if you like, but this is something that will take time.

For us, we usually start them out in their own beds, either with a bedtime routine and reading stories or transferring them from the car if we were out. For our 15 month daughter, I sometimes still just start her out in our bed (if I'm exhausted and just want to lie down too). But, if I've nursed her and she's ready for bed (she's a much better sleeper than her older brother) I can usually transfer her to her playpen until she wakes in the night. The art of transferring can be tricky, but is sometimes the key to getting your children to sleep where you want them to. Practice different ways to transfer until you find one that works. Of course, I'm not an expert and this is just my personal experience/opinion.

Also, I don't think having your shirt in the crib would be much comfort. Maybe for an infant, but at 18 months they KNOW they want you and a shirt or other item won't do justice. Of course, maybe they could attach to something else (a blanket, lovey), but then they might be switching from being attached to you to being attached to an object.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck and a lot of patience!
~N.

We co-slept with all three of our children. They weren't good sleepers from the start so my husband suggested sleeping together. It solved the problem! I agree that our sleep can be disrupted while sleeping together, but imagine how your little-one feels having to sleep alone. We all need that closeness and security. As you probably know, we North Americans are one of the only cultures who don't co-sleep with our children. It has been done since the beginning of time. So, give it a try and see how it goes. I know your baby will be happy and your stress will be gone! And once she starts to sleep more soundly, you can begin to transfer her out of your bed and into her own. It is just a matter of time.

Letting her cry for so long is heart breaking and she doesn't understand what is happening. She only knows that her mommy isn't coming to her, leaving her to feel abandoned.

Good luck & try letting her sleep with you!

I started having my daughter sleep in her princess toddler bed at around 16 months, of course she loves the bed. We put it next to my husbands side of the bed and if she stirs he pats her tummy and she goes back to sleep. On the rare occasion she needs some rocking and he puts her back in her bed. I think since the bed is open and she can climb on and off she feels more freedom and closer to us. I works out great. Also, she picked out the bed and she loves the princesses on it. I would not have picked it out, but I am not the one sleeping in it. In the mornings she says she slept with her barbies. This was the best transistion for us from bed-sharing to co-sleeping. Also, my husband taking over the night time parenting really helped it took about 2 weeks for her to stop adjust. Also, we put her to sleep, then put her in her bed after she is out hard. She now sleeps through the night and is 18 months. Also, we follow a consistent bedtime routine and get her to sleep no later than 8pm, it makes a world of a difference.
I hope this advice may be of help.

Dear L. C

My boy ist actually 3 years old and it seems too faaaarrr the time he did not want to sleep alone.
It was a heavy time and I decided to put him secure in his crib and go away to the kitchen for 5 minutes(with a timer in my hand). Than I came back in his room ( only for 2 minutes) and put my hand in his body but I did not take him in my arms. You could quite talk to her or sing something quite, but only during 2 minutes. Make sure the baby ist confortable(clean,not too warm)and safe, that she can breath properly and leave the room again for 5 minutes (It is not a matter if she did not stop to cry during the 2 minutes). Again and again until the baby sleep. Next day you need to wait 10 minutes before you return to her room.
I know...It seems like an eternity and perhapst the first 3 - 4 days the baby cry like crazy. The timmer help me to control myself and not return before the time is out. (Unless you see something is happen to the baby : chocking, vomiting etc. In those cases You need to attend her inmediatly. One the danger is under control, put the baby in the crib and leave again). If the baby weak up during the night and did not want to sleep alone, take a look, confirm that the baby is OK (Not fever, not healthy problems,that she can breath correctly, dippers OK, etc,etc)and repeat the procedure.
My baby cried the first day 60 minutes. Second they 45 minutes, the third day 40 minutes, and then 15 minutes and after that he slept in 15 minutes.
But, Talk to your pediatrician He/She will gives you some advice specialy for your case. And do not forget to ask him how much you can let your baby crying. I has surprised with the answer!!
I will start the procedure only if the baby is completely healthy ( It means: not runny noses, no teething, not fiver etc, etc). And do not be disappointed if, after some weeks well sleep the baby start to cry again( frecuently after a illness the babies try to regress. Than repeat the procedure :O)
A friend of mine couldn't let cry his baby than she takes him in her arms for two minutes and after that, she put him in his crib and leave the room again.
the most important thing is that you find the best method for you, your baby and your partner of course. And dont worry, Still if your baby cry a little you are a good mom!!:O)

We are experiencing the same right now. It can be very frustrating. The crib is in our room and I have music (classical) or the baby Mozart playing. She is beginning to be able to get herself asleep and back asleep with just a few words from me rather than her coming to our bed. Sometimes even the music does not work and she has to cry for a while. I just make sure that she is safe and not soiled and let her go. I check back on her when she is crying and tell her that it is bedtime and she needs to lie down and sleep. Eventually it works. You do have to be consistent. If I can go to sleep at the same time and show her that I am lying down as well, sometimes this helps on the days she cries. Like I said, it is a process. It will not happen over night. Being consistent is the key, which is hard for us because my husband hates to hear her cry. We have four other children and she is the first not to sleep through the night. So we are trying to figure out what works for us as well. Hope this help and you get some sleep soon!

Someone else mentioned getting a toddler bed or a bed low to the ground. I did that with both my children and it worked great. They feel like a big kid and their new bed is just like mommy and daddy's. Then if needed I would lay in their bed instead for a little while instead of them coming in ours. That really helped then transition. Good luck and you do what you feel is right for you and your family.

L.,

The number one thing that works with babies and toddlers is consistency. You need to pick what method you are going to use (I personally like the "No Cry Sleep Solution" book by Elizabeth Pantley) and then do it and do it consistently. It won't work on the first night and probably not on the second but if you keep it up, it will work. There aren't any instant fixes so the idea is to keep working toward your goal. If that is getting your daughter to sleep in her crib, decide what you are comfortable with as far as crying, etc.... and then stick with it. I don't think leaving a 19 month old unattended in a crib hysterical is a good idea. At that age they can climb out and fall.

T.

Let her cry it out. Believe it or not, crying for 20 minutes really isn't a long time for a 19 month old. When my daughter was younger, she could go for 45 minutes. There's nothing wrong with letting her cry; she's not hurt or in any danger...she's just frustrated for not getting her way. If you give in now, you will never have the upper hand. What are you going to do when she's 3 or 5?

If you're up for it, try the Ferber Method. You let her cry for five minutes, then go in and rub her back and reassure her, but DO NOT pick her up. Then let her cry five more and go in again. Then let her cry for ten minutes, then fifteen. By going in to rub her back, you are showing her that you are not deserting her, but by not picking her up, you are showing her that she needs to find a way to sleep there. The first few nights might take an hour or two of crying, but I assure you that you will get fast and effective results. My daughter is 14 months now and has been sleeping in her own crib since three weeks. We had to start doing the Ferber method at about five months because she always wanted me to come in and pick her up in the night. We had immediate results with the Ferber Method, and for months now she puts herself to sleep every night and never wakes up. I swear, it will be the best thing you ever did!!!

It is said that change from the year of 1 to 2 is very hard for kids. I started to have my son sleep in his own bed at 14 months. It was hard at first (for us both) as he would cry however after about a week of doing the same routine, bedtime & naptime, he was ok with it and went to bed peacefully. Bedtime/naptime starts in his own bed, never in mine. I put him down when he is tired but still awake. He gets a bottle of milk, i tell him that i love him and its time for night night and then I shut his door. Like I said, it took some time to get him in this routine, however now it works great.