I Feel like a Horrible Mom!!! AM I ALONE???

I have a 3 yr old and I was having similar problems with controlling my anger and rage. I also don't hit my daughter and actually don't yell at her but when my husband comes home, I have a hard time controlling my emotions and I start yelling then.
I talked to my OBGYN about this and she referred me to a psychiatrist and psychologist. I'm now taking Lexapro and I am having an easier time controlling my emotions. My psychologists has also helped me deal with my family in a constructive way.
I really did not want to take meds but my family is much happier and I am slowly weaning off it. I did not get a diagnosis or get "labeled" a certain way by my doctors, they just said they understood the stress of motherhood and this was just something to help me through.
You sound like you're trying to be a good mom but you also sound overwhelmed. I tried so hard to control the situation but honestly, I couldn't do it on my own. I'm glad I got help.

You are most definitely NOT alone! For every time my son has a tantrum I vent to another parent about it and each one has their story about the tantrum their child has had that day! Before you know it we are all laughing and “one uping” each other on whose child had the worst tantrum! It’s a great way to release the tension of the day and realize that all us Moms can relate to the tantrum monster that has taken over our sweet well behaved children.

My son is 4 ½ now so his tantrums are few and far between. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. How YOU handle his tantrums now will shape how HE handles them in the future. You’re doing a FANTASTIC job! Keep your chin up and stop thinking you’re a horrible Mom!!!!! =-)

You are not a horrible mom. Every mom has done this. Every mom knows when the confrontation is coming and every mom hates that moment.

Some things that I have done, that have helped me a lot and improved life when I'm in the house, around my kids in general... ;-)
1. When we are going to the car, I grab drinks for everyone. Even if they aren't thirsty now, as soon as I'm at a stop light, or highway, miles away from a store, they will want a drink
2. I keep snacks like goldfish, crackers, etc. in the car. This has ranged from travel size boxes of cereal to snack packs of pringles to chex mix.
3. The more angry you get, the lower your voice should go. The slower your words should be.
4. Breathe. When your kid gives you a response that catches you off guard, take a second to think of your response. Count to 10 outloud if you have to. Its a key to them that they've reached a point and crossed it.
5. Develop kid ears. Our kids know how to function while ignore us. You do the same. Just last week, my 3y daughter asked for a happy meal but not the fries. Great, I get the fries! So I make an extra stop at Micky D's. Hand her the happy meal and began driving home.
' I didn't want the fries!'.. I know, they're for me.
'Well take them out of my box!'... 'I'm driving, please hand them to me'.
'Oh, okay'...
'I don't want this toy. Its the same one that C has!!' ... 'Sorry, can't change it'.
'I don't want it!'. 'Great, I'll take it, do you want your nuggets?'
'Nope, I want my toy!!!' ' 'Okay, so that means I get the happy meal and the toy, thanks!'

She continued to cry and moan in the backseat, I just kept driving, turned the music up a bit. Finally after 5 minutes, she says
'Mommy, sigh, I'm sorry, I'm just really H U N G R Y'.. 'Does that mean you DO want your nuggets? ' 'Yes, but NOT the fries'.

I handed her a nugget. After a minute I turned to see if she needed more. She was asleep with a half eaten nugget in her lap.

6. Give YOURSELF a timeout. When you are overwhelmed. Take a timeout. If you are in the car, just say 'Mom needs a timeout', everyone needs to be quiet for 5m.'

7. Reflect. When you have a 'lost it' moment. Stop and think. If you were an outsider walking up on this scene, how would you think you would do it differently.

Hugs.
M.

3 yrs old is a hard age on everybody. Cut yourself some slack. One time I was picking up something from behind a door when my 3 yr old son (at the time) came running in and pushed the door hard. The door knob banged me on the head and I saw stars and the tears just came. My husband picked my son up, put him on his bed and told him to stay there no matter what, then he got me an ice pack to put on my head. They teach circus animals the safest place for them to be is on their pedestal in the ring. For my son, when I was overwhelmed or in danger of losing my temper, I taught him the safest place for him to be was in his bed. It wasn't necessarily a time out for him - sometimes it was for my benefit. We need some space to cool off and pull ourselves together sometimes. Once we're calmer, then we can deal with what ever is going on.

What? Yelling means we're bad mommies?

Then we're all going to Hades!!! See you all there!

Seriously, you're doing a great job! IF there is a mom out there that never yells at their kids then I want to meet her! I also want to meet Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny at the same time :)

When kids aren't listening or saying "no" then they're turning up the drama. So the natural response is to turn up the drama too.

I have found that just plain punishing for saying "no" is not good for kids because then you're treating them like little slaves who have to do everything you say. What has worked for me is to let them know I understand that they don't want to, and maybe I even agree but that they need to do it anyway because it is their job. Then I try to turn it into a game. Maybe we race to see how fast they can do their thing while I do something similar and the winner gets a marshmallow.

I have noticed that being strict on schedules is a GOOD thing, but once in a while mixing things up makes it more fun for the kids. Especially when they are having a bad morning. Try having a theme day if you're home all day with the kids. They LOVE themes and will willingly do things they don't want to if it's fun!

Pirate Day
Backwards Day
Animal Day
Superhero Day

When they don't want to get dressed...it's SUPERHERO day! And of course superheroes get dressed in their SUPERHERO clothing! If you get them caught up in the magic of it, they will do ANYTHING! One time SD wouldn't eat so I told her we were going to be animals and eat with our hands. I let her get all messy and eat with her hands. She thought it was great FUN and she ate her food! Then I got her in the shower (no fuss because it was a WATERFALL for ANIMALS) and thus accomplished TWO things with no yelling!

Of course this won't solve all your problems. I still yell a lot! But I have found by catching their imagination, letting them know you understand and trying to inject fun into things they don't want to do, I yell a lot less.

No, you aren't alone. Don't beat yourself up, but do keep trying so that you can feel better about yourself and foster a good relationship with your child while building his self esteem.

I have two suggestions: #1)buy Love and Logic Books
#2)See if your "yelling" coincides with PMS. If so, there are natural and/or medical solutions.

Are you sure we don't have the same kid? LOL It's becuase you have a BOY. Boy's are like day and night compared to girls. I honestly believe the saying that boys are harder when young and easier as they get older and girls are easy when young and harder when they grow up. I am one of 4 girls and we were little angels for my mom until we hit our teen years!! LOL She really had it hard with us. My first was a girl and my second was a boy. With having a girl first, I just expected my son would be the same sweet and calm loving child my daughter was but boy was I wrong! Pretty much since he turned 2 he became a little monster, haha, he's either an angel one second or a devil the next, you just never know what you're gonna get.

He is just so different from my daughter and I believe it's because he's all BOY! He recently turned 4 and I'm finally getting some relief with her temper tantrums and he's starting to understand a lot more of how the world works and that throwing fits will NOT get you what you want. Public places and the care have always been my hardest times to deal with him, I will admit, I'm one of the moms who gives in easily to a tantrum "in public only" because of the stress the yelling he does puts on me in front of other people. But I can promise you things do get easier and the older he gets the more he'll understand. Put your "ignore" ears on in the car and before you know it, no more fits in the car. Also, I'm not sure what your income is but we installed a TV/DVD player in the car and it has been a lifesaver!! Car trips go by so much smoother now, the onlly issue is who gets to pick what they're going to watch, sis or brother, lol but they are much quieter with the TV on in the car.

Good luck to you and hang in there!

Strict as in basic schedule is good. But you've gotta realize that kids aren't objects to simply be managed. They have free will and minds of their own. It's good to have basic routines for the morning, bedtime etc but life happens, life is often hectic and you've gotta bend a little sometimes.
Before you leave the house, take a minute to pack a small "survival bag" or leave O. in the car with a snack, bottle of water, whatever.
It's been my experience that the less organized I am, the more chaotic our interaction is.
Sounds like time outs aren't working for your son at all (and YES you CAN often pull over and have his time out when you're driving!). My son at 3 responded much more to having something he liked (LOVED) taken away for the rest of the day.
As for constant yelling, I think yelling begets yelling. You're the adult. Decide not to yell. Talk to your son and tell him you are going to try NOT to yell. He's used to it--it's his "final straw" signal. Just use another consequence--no Berenstein Bears--whatever works for him. No need to yell. Three year olds are notoriously pokey and slow. Leave EXTRA time when you can. Good luck!

First of all I yell sometimes at my children. I don't like that about myself.

I read somewhere that when we raise our voice we loose control of the situation.
Remember you are the adult you are the one in control. That is tough if he doesn't want to be disciplined..what person does?
Be consistent. remember to tell him what you adore about him. Being a mom is hard work we never get a break.

No, you're not a bad mom. And it is not just a boy thing, since my 3 year old daughter is going through similar behaviors. It is just what they do at that age. And I do at times yell at her and yes, I feel bad about it after the fact. But sometimes it is the only way to get her to really listen to what I'm saying. I am not a pushover by any means, and I believe in following through with consequences. Don't make empty threats (such as telling him he'll get time outs while you're in the car so of course it is impossible to do so). Use a firm/commanding voice (not the same as yelling!) and don't go into lengthy explanations ("we have no milk in the car; you can have some when we get home"). My daughter is also fond of telling me "no" for practically everything, but I realize it's because I'm phrasing things as a question which requires her to say yes or no (do you want to go to the park? Do you want to each lunch now?), and this is a power trip for her because she's asserting her independence. So I'm getting better as saying things like "it's lunchtime now, do you want grilled cheese or pasta?" and if she says she doesn't want lunch I say "yes you do, it is lunchtime now, so please tell me what you want to eat." This way I am in control, but she still gets to flex her independence by having a say in what she eats.

And when I do lose my cool, I just take a few deep breaths and then as quickly as possible I change the subject and speak in normal tones and also give her a hug/kiss. Like bathtime, because she keeps insisting on drinking the bath water, day after day even though I tell her not to. So a day came along when I was already tired and cranky so I had no patience for repeating myself so I yelled at her which really got her attention (of course she cried). So clearly she got my point so I switched gears and distracted her by playing with her bath toys, and leaned over and gave her a kiss and told her I loved her. I did not say sorry because I think she would misinterpret that I was sorry for telling her she couldn't drink bath water!

You are not the only mommy that has a bad day.
If everyday seems to be a bad day then you need to change that.
It is good that you are asking for advice.

First, think of Kate Gosselin. The world knows how she treated Jon. He got fed up and left.

Now take a look at how she treats her children,
they cry and scream and hit each other ALL THE TIME.
They are always fighting with each other.
Everyone can see how unhappy they are.

It's because Kate yells at them all the time.
She doesn't use kind words and talks to them and be silly
and plays with them.
She is not a loving mommy.

Kate is now alone, and if she keeps it up her kids will grow up not wanting to be near her.

She is a wonderful example of WHAT NOT TO DO to your family.
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First, the yelling needs to stop. I know you can do it.
You are not alone with this. There are lots of mommies that
yell. But it needs to stop.

Second, play with your son. Do not allow it to get ugly.
Let's say he starts to get upset, stand up and say ok on the count of three I will chase you and get you and tickle you until you start to be nice.
He will stop fighting right away and he will get happy and then say 123 real fast and chase him and tickle him all over.
It will change the mood in the air.

This has to start with you changing.

Smile more, want to be happy, make it happen ~ for you, your son and your husband.

If mommy is happy EVERYONE will be happy.
If mommy is not happy than NOBODYS happy.

It starts with you, and if you want it bad enough, you will do great at it.
Change is hard, but you are strong and I have faith in you.

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I want to share this with you.
My mom was not a good mom to my brother and I.
She has been married seveal times and she never treats them right.
My brother stayed away from her, as far as he could.
I moved far far away from her.

When mothers day comes around It is truly hard for me to find a card for her because all of the beautiful cards say how wonderful she is and what a great mother she is and what a blessing it is to have her there for me to guide me and love me.
Well, I don't think so!
I have to find a simple card for her telling her
"Happy Mothers Day" and that's it.

I can't give her a wonderful card because she is not wonderful.

My point is ~ I try to always keep my cool with my family because I want my husband to be happy with he is coming home.
I want my kids to be happy when mothers day comes around and I want them to feel like ( oh this is so beautiful I'm getting this for mommy, because I love her ).
I don't want my kids to feel like they can't wait until they are 18 and then they can leave.

I try to do my best, am I perfect - No - but I have a goal and I try to reach for that goal.
My goal is to have a happy family and I know that it starts with Mommy.

Your son is only 3, he is not going to listen to everything you say.
When you scream at him that is making him feel sad and scared.
He can still hear you if you talk to him in a nice and soft and loving voice.
When you want him to really listen to you go to him get down to his level and smile and talk to him real nice ~ he will hear you.

If you don't change for the better now, then things will only get worse.

I know you want change. I know you can do this.

I wish you the best.

= )

No, you are not alone!!! I often feel like I'm yelling all the time! My DS is 6.5 and DD is 2 and in our case DD is worse than her brother at that age, LOL! I read a book that had a lot of good ideas, I think it was called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas? Phelan. I'm starting to use the ideas and when I think before opening my mouth (LOL) they work well! It mentions "training" your children - that they are children and not little adults. I don't know if it will help or not but I liked it. A lot of good responses to this one!
GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. A 3 year old can test the patience of a Saint. Trust me, I know. I have 3 year old twins. And just like you, every day I promise myself that today I'm not going to raise my voice, and daily if feels like I fail. Try to remember that everything he is doing is just a normal part of development. He's learning to be an individual, testing his boundaries and finding his own voice in the world. When my kids are behaving at their worst, I try to remember how grateful I am that they are healthy, active, normal kids. How many parents would trade places with me in a heartbeat?
Take a deep breath, count your blessings, enjoy this time because it will be over too soon, and don't be so hard on yourself.
Good luck.

Hi - I have to tell you that you sound just like ME!! I yell a lot too and I cant stand it. I think they learn to yell because of me! I try so hard not too, and have gotten a little better but not perfect. I screamed at my son yesterday morning because he would not get dressed. I waited and waited for him to pick out some pants, and then he finally put the ones on that I picked in the first place. He is 3 as well and has tantrums, tells me no a lot, and when I say "okay, you get a time out" he says NO again! So then that adds another time out on to the first one. We do progressive discipline so if he keeps saying no, then eventually he gets vinegar in his mouth for it. I cant stand it either. I cant stand yelling at them and feel like that is the only way that I will be listened to. My husband says that if you get down to their level by kneeling down and looking them in the eye and talking very low and calm, they have to work to hear you and will actually listen better and wont tune you out...I am trying it more these days..and it seems to work sometimes. I think that you only need to say things once, like about not having something in the car at that time, and then drop it. Dont keep repeating it over and over that you dont have anything for him. Try your best to ignore it. I think sometimes they keep saying something over and over thinking they will eventually get their way or get that thing they want. You have to not give in.
I think you are doing the right thing by walking away and taking a time out for yourself when you feel that yell coming on...that will really help..Please do not think you are a horrible mom! You are NOT ALONE at all.

Whoa, what an uncomfortable relationship – I think I'd be pushed to my limit too many times a day, too. It's not because you have a boy, though. I have known girls whose moms have felt the same way. And my grandson, now 4.5, is almost always cheerful, polite and cooperative. Some kids are definitely easier than others. And there are definite things you can do to help your son be an easier kid, and help yourself feel like a good mom again.

PLEASE do yourself and your son a huge favor, and read a terrific book by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Learn how to help your son communicate his feelings and needs, and participate in finding his own solutions. Learn how you can establish your needs and your boundaries in a firm but respectful way. I use this approach with my grandson, and it really helps him when he's having a not-so-happy time.

It does us well to be aware that kids lead incredibly frustrating lives, so acting out is inevitable, both because they desire what they can't have, and because they don't desire what they get way too much of. Their lives are constantly managed by big people and schedules, and that is hard even for adults to tolerate over time. And of course, their experiences with self-control and alternative behavior choices are extremely limited, and mostly beyond their reach.

There is a sane and happy alternative to time-outs, which really just don't work for all children. It involves two main components: understanding what is driving your child, and finding more ways for him to say yes than to say no.

You will love this book. It's easy to comprehend, and many scenarios are modeled in little comic strips you can take in in a few seconds. It's like a little parenting workshop between covers. Treat yourself and your little boy to a calmer, happier future together!

You are not a horrible mom - just a mother of a toddler! It sounds a lot like my almost three year old some of the time. No is her favorite word on some days. At this age, they are expressing their independence and he's trying to see if he can get his way or get you to change your mind. With my daughter, when she tells me no, I tell her it's going to be this way or she'll go into her room until she's ready to listen. Sometimes I let it slide when it's some thing like 'no' she doesn't want something to eat that I put in front of her. Okay, then she doesn't eat anything. You have to pick your battles at this age and I have learned that there are some I do not want to fight. I give a lot of options so there is no room for 'nos'. I ask if she wants this or that. To wear the black or pink shirt. Watch a cartoon before or after bath. That way she doesn't think to say "I don't want to eat that." or "No" when I tell her to put whatever shirt on I chose or that she doesn't want to take a bath.

Putting yourself in a timeout is a good thing when it's needed! I've talked with lots of my friends who have kids aging from 1-11 and it seems like all of spend a lot of time yelling. Sure it makes you feel bad afterwards, but sometimes it feels like that is the only way to get their attention.

I have also started telling my daughter "Respectful eyes" (after seeing a poster on her suggest that). She knows that means when I am talking to her (usually when I'm asking her to do something), when I say that, she looks me directly in the eyes while I'm talking.

I don't make a huge deal about putting her in her room or timeout, but always follow through with it. When she comes out with a happy face, even if I'm still in a foul mood, I make a huge deal about how I'm so glad I have a big girl who listens and is ready to do X activity.

The next time you want to yell or scream, try whispering instead. That will force you to not scream but also may cause your child to stop what he's doing to hear you. Talk in a funny voice to get him to laugh. Or go outside and blow off steam, yell, cry, smoke a cigarette, whatever you need to do.

Good luck...you are not a bad mom, just trying to get through these trying times!

No, we all feel like we're going to lose it sometimes. But you are setting a pattern of not expecting your child to behave until you yell. Stop yelling. Find a way to deal with your frustrations on the inside. Your job is to teach him, to make him feel secure and it is HARD. But he's acting like a normal 3 year old. You have to teach him self control by acting in control of your self. Be an example for the man you want him to be. Do you want him to be someone who loses his cool when he's frustrated? Of course not. So expect the sme of yourself. Find another outlet. It's OK to take a time out for yourself. Plan in advance how you are going to deal with a certain situation. Explain to him that you're not going to yell anymore. And be honest about that. He'll test you on it. He's now used to you yelling before he cooperates. You have to find other methods and stick with them for a year.

He'll grow out of this stage in life. But if you don't change, you'll be yelling for the rest of your life.

My parents were yellers and it was humiliating and awful. It is not a good example of how to behave, how to maintain control of a situation. They don't yell anymore, but the damage is done. I am hesitant to bring my child to them (they are good people, but they have anger and frustration instead of calm on the inside. I think that's a bad situation for my kids) and I keep my distance. You don't want that to be your future with your son.

My three year old is the same as yours. He loses things if he does not listen. We stop the fun stuff. But I keep calm. I know from my first that this is a phase. I'm not sure why they call it the "terrible twos" because with my kids it has been the terrible threes for sure. But it does end, as long as you keep your calm and teach them better.

Good luck to you.

I have felt just like you do. My 4 year old boy is difficult! However, since turning 4 he has been much better. The yelling episodes have gone down A LOT. 3 was a very rough year! "Raising Your Spirited Child" has helped me a lot. Not everything in that book applies, but many things do! You're not a horrible mom -I ask myself this too, but also consider these things -do you give your child lots of attention and affection? Do you tell him often that you love him? After a really bad screaming episode -do you ever apologize to him and tell him why you screamed at him? People who NEVER yell at their kids are either on some kind of meds or are lying ;-) I don't care how "good" your kid is -at some point he or she is going to send you over the edge. It just seems like we have one who has it down to an art form!

We still are going over the fact with our son that we HATE having to get so ugly with him in order for him to behave, obey, etc. It seems to FINALLY be sinking in. He has become far more compliant. Hang in there! I can't tell you how many times I've held my son and told him I hate screaming at him and getting so upset, but he has to do certain things, and when I tell him something -he needs to do it THEN.

I saw you have tons of feedback & I didn't read them all however I just wanted you to know that i just wrote a similar post myself & I too feel like a horrible mom!! I was never a yeller but as soon as my 2nd soon was turned 2 he stopped listening to me. I too have to yell or he will not respond!! I get your frustration & the feeling of not being a good mom. I realized after reading my feedback that all I can do is try my best everyday & give yourself a break. Im sure you are a great mom & love your son to death. Don't feel like you are alone because you arn't. I struggle everyday & different things work for me. You just have to figure out what works for you. Good luck & a BIG hug! Dont get discouraged & be proactive! Hope this helps :)
E.

You have a 3 year old - so it's normal to be frustrated.

What helped me keep my calm is remembering that when my sister and I were little there were many (many many) things we'd do just so we could watch our Mom "act all crazy" (my mother was big on yelling). If you can NOT yell, many of these behavior may go away. The advice to talk slower and more quietly when angry is worth trying!

Remember it's NOT personal. Reassure him that you love him. If you are at home when he has a tantrum, put him down in a safe place and walk away. Have a cup of coffee and let him yell. When you've calmed down, then you can go give him a hug. If he's still yelling, base what you do on what you CAN do (walk away again or keep hugging).

It is GOOD to try to always have snack and/or drinks on hand - as hunger (or thirst) + toddler = meltdown. But if you are in the car and you forgot (because you are human) try to calmly tell him you'll take care of it as soon as you can. Then do. And you have to try to ignore him in the meantime.

I have found the "not saying no" works pretty often too. That means, if he yells that he wants to do something he can't do, you reply with what he CAN do (without saying no) or if he asks for something he can have (or do) later, you reply with when he can have (or do) it. My kids are too smart for this to work 100% of the time, but it saves me a few tantrums.

I have 3 boys - they are ALL different. I have one who has huge tantrums, one who has meltdowns, and one mellow as mellow can be. Hang in there. You'll lose your cool sometimes, but try these tactics when you can.

There are some good book suggestion here too - and I have found that sometimes just having a book to turn to can be hugely calming!

I'll be reading all your suggestions later (after the upcoming naptime battle) but wanted to let you know you are so not alone. My mom was a yeller, so I am a yeller. I try soooo hard not to be, but I never learned to process my anger and frustration appropriately, because she didn't either and didn't teach me that. Not that I am blaming my mom at all, but just when you think of it like that- a skill we haven't learned yet, it doesn't sound so bad. Now it's up to me to learn it if I don't want to be the same way. We teach our kids all kinds of skills, this is just another one we are going to have to work on.

I am like you. I don't yell all the time but when the behavior keeps spiraling out of control and into drama land I lose all patience. The thing that works best for me so far is trying to keep it from getting to that point where I know I will yell. Counting to ten and stuff isn't working for me yet, still working on that. Granted my son is 2 1/2 and pretty well-behaved and hasn't hit that 3 yr old stage yet (ugh, can we please just skip it?!) so it is easier now, and I know it will get harder in time. But when I feel that buildup coming on, I do whatever I can to stop it in its tracks.

Just to make you feel a little better:
The other day I was at this lady's house (friend of a friend) looking at some kids stuff she was selling. Her husband was home and her 5 yr old, and it was just a typical evening it seemed like, kid was in and out playing with the next door neighbor and just being a kid. I never really noticed what he did, he seemed pretty normal to me. But several times out of nowhere, Dad would just let out this huge bellowing yell, making me and my 2 yr old jump out of our skin. All for little stuff, like not closing the door all the way or something, and it seemed to me that it was all on the first offense- no warnings or buildup of misbehavior. Mom just kept on visiting with me and the other 2 ladies there like it was a regular occurence. Her kid didnt even blink, just fixed whatever he had done and went about his playing. And seriously, this was loud yelling. After that, I didn't feel so bad, because at least it takes a little while and lots of bad behavior to get me to yell. When I was leaving I thought to myself, Wow, and I thought I yelled too much, but I've got nothing on that guy!

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We all yell from time to time. But you really need to check yourself here. You sound overwhelmed. How would you react if someone yelled at you ALL the time. Where have you patience gone. I am going to suggest you get help with counseling or some intense parenting classes. I wish you luck and do not wait.