I have managed to get my husbands mom and sisters to dislike me.
A little history first...... We have been having a lot going on in our lives and busy with work and everything else with the kids, and on top of it all, my two year old had his first major injury a few months back. He fell and had to get 5 stitches in his forehead.
My husband’s 21 year old sister likes to show up at our house multiple times per week, unannounced with her 5 year old son. It can get stressful after a while because it is usually right in the middle of something. Or we had plans that we would end up breaking so we are not rude and make her leave, or we will be in the middle of eating, cleaning, what have you.........and it gets stressful because her 5 year old and my 2 year old are rowdy together and her son does not listen to us in our home and I feel like I am constantly having to referee the kids.
There was one night his sister showed up a few months ago and was hanging out and at one point on the phone with their mother, and I had made some smart remark toward his mom in the background in response to something she said. That and that happened to be one of the nights she showed up at our door, we were right in the middle of dinner, and I did not want my son playing and running around because of his boo boo.
His sister assured me that she spoke to her son and he was going to sit and be calm and that absolutely did not happen. He was all over the place and there was my 2 year old running after him...... I was a nervous wreck!! And her son would not listen to her or me when we kept talking to him about it so my husband finally steps in. And when he steps in he yells because he has about had it by that time, so his sister gets defensive and mad and starts consoling her son which un-does everything we just tried to do to get him to listen. And she expects our 2 year old to listen when he is being a little turd and she does not understand that he is a baby and cannot comprehend half of what she is trying to tell him, and he learns from his older cousin and wants to play like him when he is over.
So I felt bad the next day for snapping at my husbands mother and I emailed her to apologize and kind of explained the situation as to why I was stressed, (just like I explained to you all above). I told her that we had planned on talking to his sister to let her know how we felt but wanted to wait until after an upcoming family camping trip. Well my husband’s mom happened to be reading my email over at his sister’s house and both of his sisters read it over her shoulder.
Now his mom and sisters are upset with me because they feel that I had no place to say anything about my husband's sister or her son, no matter what. They ignore me at family functions. I don't know what to do. We did not go there for Thanksgiving because my husband is upset at how his family is acting…..HELP!!!
Thank you for your responses and advice, I really appreciate it. I would to add that I did apologize to his family for the way I went about it and my husband has also spoken with them to let them know he feels the same as I do and supports and stands by me all the way. They have told him they refuse to believe that and they say bottom line is that it was not my place to say anything no matter what. One more thing to add, when we did finally try to talk to his sister about it shortly after she came after me as if to fight me right in front of our family & friends, including in front of the children.
Hi. I think it's time that your husband steps up and talks to his family. It sounds like you were doing all the talking and he was sitting back not saying anything. It is now his place to fix this.
While this is unfortunate, it's bound to happen (irritating or making them upset with you). I do agree with the posts, errors on both sides however my biggest thing is.. YOUR HOUSE - YOUR RULES as far as the kids go. And the sister needs to grow up, dropping in like that is wrong and in my opinion rude/disrepsectful of her brother and his family/time.
How would she like it if you guys just stopped by.... all the time. And then let your son run around like that.
Not cool.
But then again I may be wrong.. cause I am in a pissy mood today. hahahaha
I see error on both sides. Your sister in law sounds like an immature and somewhat inconsiderate person. You probably should have established (with your husband's help) some ground rules for visiting your home a long time ago. It does sound like the nephew is being spoiled and that he may be way out of control.. or it may just be normal behavior for his age that his mom is just not dealing with well.
We often do things when in a stressful situation that turn out to be the wrong thing. This sounds like what you did. Instead of so much detail about what happened in your email to your mother-in-law, it would probably have been better for you to have said it in a phone call, and only appologized for your remark to her and said something like, "it was stressful around here at that moment, and I wasn't at my best." and left it at that.
Now, you're past that part and in the sticky situation with your in-laws. Perhaps a sit-down, with hubby along for support, with your sister-in-law is the first step. Both of you explain your needs for her visits to be less intrusive to your family life and establish some guidelines so she doesn't feel unwelcome, but controls her visits better. Then explain what you feel needs to happen with the children's discipline in order for your visits to be less stressful on everyone. Be careful not to put blame on her or her son, but to just point out that some of the behavior stresses you out and decide together how to deal with it. Basically, she needs to discipline her own son without you or your husband interfering, and you need to tend to your son without her interfering.
Once you've established a better relationship with this sister in law, you can then begin to repair things with the other sisters and the mother in law, and for that I'd basically suggest just letting them know you and this sister in law have resolved your issues and appologize for what was done that brought them into the situation in the first place. Don't bring up what they've done wrong, but just appologize for your part in it, and let them come back to you with thier appologies when and if they are ready.
I know this is hard. "Been there done that" as the saying goes.... on more than one occasion. I hope I can follow my own advice if I ever find myself in the situation again!
Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. It's inappropriate for your sister-in-law and mother to drop by unannounced all the time. He should speak to his sister and mother and tell them that while he (and you) love them and enjoy spending time with them, you would both appreciate it if they would please call and schedule their visits. This way, arrangements can be made for appropriate activities for the boys where they can go to the playground or some such activity to get out some energy in a positive way. It is rude to show up at someone's house at dinnertime unannouced. I feel for you. So, if they don't like you, who cares? Again, it's your husbands' job to be firm with them and let them know what is appropriate. Obviously they do not have any manners or social graces.
Best wishes!
Hi there,
I agree that the apology should have happened over the phone. It's hard to do but you did own up to your mistake and apologized for it. However, when you get married the first thing you have to do is "circle the wagons" and decide that you and your husband are the ones to set the rules inside your own home. You need to be able to look at his sister and say "You know, we are right in the middle of dinner, maybe you can come back later?" or "We are going out in a few moments so now is not a good time to visit, perhaps you could call me later and we can set up a playdate for the kids?". Then, if having them in your home is too much then suggest the park or indoor mall playground. Do NOT cancel your outings or plans for this unexpected regular guest. It's one thing if she lived hundreds of miles away and arrived for quick visit but if she comes over all the time then she doesn't get the "we'll drop everything for you" priveledge. Just like with your baby, setting boundries for both sides of the family is VERY important right from the beginning. If need be, apologize again for losing your temper and this time do it over the phone, but also use this as a new starting point to set the boundries that need to be in place with his entire family but especially with the sister.
Been there, done that..life is MUCH better now!
Good luck!
C.
Sorry to hear your problems with the in-laws. Especially during the holidays. Based on your follow-up, I'd write her off. When she shows up tell her she can't stay because neither she nor her son will adhere to your rules. It is your house. That simple. I hope soon you can both reconcile. Maybe after the holidays you can arrange to meet in neutral territory - somewhere between your two houses - playground or indoor mall with play area? Good luck.
I think you made the right decision not to engage the family at Thanksgiving. The sister's are obviously very young and expect you and your family to always have the door open. They have no courtesy for your household and that needs to stop. If you and your husband are having a more relaxed household, are getting along better and your son is calmer and on a more set routine then a break for a while may be just what you and his family needs. It is very childish to ignore you at family functions and put you in that uncomfortable of a situation and your husband obviously is not going to allow his family to do that to you which shows you who comes first in his life. It sounds to me like your husband should be the one to get his mom and two sisters in a room together and tell them how things are going to be going forward, how childish they are acting and how if they choose to continue to ignore you that it will not be tolerated.
I know it's hard because its around the holidays that this is happening but maybe you can spend this year with your family and just keep away from his until they stop the highschool antics that no one should be expected to put up with.
Hi F.! You didn't alineate your husband's family. They are ignorant and disrespectful to you and your household and you finally began to stand up and set up some boundaries. Don't back down or you will be back in the exact same position that you don't want to be in. Be firm, respectful and don't get involved in their cat-ness. The 21 year old needs to call first. Period. The mother-in-law must be old enough to understand that. It sounds to me like the women in your husband's family need to grow up. I wish you luck, it is a tough place to be - both you and your husband. Remember this -you didn't do anything wrong, so don't act like you did! Best,
