Need Help with Pushy Inlaws

Read the book "Boundaries" by Dr Townsend and Dr Cloud. It is even on CD if you do not have time to sit and read.
This will help.

K. Hatch

You need to read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I haven't read it yet, but my MIL is not as controlling as she used to be now that she has 15 other grandchildren to play with.

Good luck,

C.

Dear K.:
Are you in the position to relocate? My husband and I have been married for over 50 years and if we had not left our hometown late in the first year of our marriage we would have never made it. Today, we look back and reconfirm that if we had not chosen to leave it is quite questionable that our marriage could have survived.
My husband was an only child (the unannounced visits NEVER did stop) and I was the oldest girl in a family of six siblings. Both mothers were overbearing. His because of her sense of entitlement to our decisions and marriage and mine because of her anger over losing her built in right hand. Not even the death of our firstborn caused them to be more considerate.
Try to look at the long term picture. We are now retired as of three years ago and spend our days enjoying each other`s company. Our three wonderful children are healthy well adjusted parents themselves. We have been blessed with 7 grandsons and 5 granddaughters! All of whom are young adults. Two of the grandsons are now married themselves.
During our marriage we continued to love our parents as did our children. They did have limited exposure to the antics of both families and as they were growing up they had the nice advantage of seeing that there are choices that can be made in difficult situations. We made ours and had we not it is hard to believe that we would not have been among the many of "broken home" numbers. And this was over 50 years ago.
We also had early births and difficult pregnancies. When our first born died just days after her birth we were blamed for having been "disobedient" to our parents. Congenital heart defects came to be expected throughout our family. We worked very hard, trusted God and held to our commitment in marriage. We have no regrets. Disappointments did come our way but they were milder than if we had remained in our hometown situation. In the end we were the children who assisted both sets of parents in their aging and last days but we were able to do it as a team and not as as a divided household.
BTW/ our three grown children are well educated and happy. Both daughters have very responsible positions in the medical field and our son is an accomplished language translator for the government of a well known country. They grew up knowing that they could follow their hopes and dreams and still be deeply loved and respected for who they needed to be as individuals. This to us is "proof in the pudding" as the "old" folks would say. It makes it a suggestion suitable to be a recipe for success in marriage and daily living. It would have been easier if it had not been necessary but as the years passed by and our families remained the same as the day we moved, only more so in some ways, we knew that we had made the best decision possible.
We wish for you blessings and peace in your own home. You are your own small family now and it is important that you establish the correct order of leadership for yourselves. Do not make such a choice with a begrudging spirit. Make it only as the key to your own productive future. God will bless.

Grammy in Ohio

I've dealt with this also and it can be SO frustrating. You don't want to offend/push them away or create turmoil within the family but you need to establish your boundaries as a new family and ask that they respect you as such. First of all I would seek your Pastor - talking to him/her will be in confidence, and you know the advice is a mixture of (possibly) knowing the parents and the best advice ever printed! :) As for literature on this Dr.James Dobson's website (www.focusonthefamily.com)there's always good advice there (imho) - You might even write to him about your situation, I've experienced it and have talked to others who have too - so it's not a rareity!!

Some parents have a hard time stepping down from the "parental role" when their children have become adults and then establish a family as well. It's how many parents identify themselves and they're unwilling to give up their "responsibility" for raising their kids and I think they even take pride in the idea that "they're not losing a son but gaining a daughter (to raise)" I can see how that mentallity is established to a point. It not only takes teaching them to respect you but it takes them being willing to respect YOUR wishes. It sounds like you're trying to lead by example - sometimes people of this nature don't always perceive the respect their getting in a manner which they can reciprocate - because they demand that respect and many times take it foregranted or are ignorant of it. Kind of like "I'm the adult you're the child this is the way it's SUPPOSED to be". You're adults and they are too. Treat it like an adult situation - sit down and have an adult conversation between the four of you, maybe even include your pastor or a family elder. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you understand they mean well but that they are intruding on your privacy even if that's not their intent. Explain to them that if they continue as they are that it will leave you no choice but to take your own space if they won't respect you and give it to you. Then give them their chance to prove themselves. (It sounds like you've already tried this but a second chance is always being gracious!:)) Explain to them that you probably won't do everything as they would but that's the beautiful part of being human - we're all made differently. Ultimately things have to be your decision (as a husband and wife/parents) and if that means that you agree with them then so be it - but ultimately it has to be your decision. I think that your in-laws having children still in highschool and a dis-abled child who sounds willful causes them to have to be strong-willed parents and they simply look at you and your husband "going against them" as a parental hurdle to overcome. I hope this helps, I say "When all else fails put it in God's hands because everything happens for a reason and he is the reason"....- God bless!!

I wish I could help, though all I can offer is sympathy/empathy. My in-laws are the same way(sister included)! I have found speaking your mind works best. So be it if it makes them mad so what!! We just enjoy the quiet until they get over it.
Good Luck!
Say lots of prayers!
R.

i would have all 4 of you sit down(that way there's no miscommunication) & politely go over your rules & limitatations. i wouldn't leave my home if they shown up unannounced, i would just tell them if they came over like that "we're not up for company right, thanks for stopping by" shut the door & be done with it, they'll get the hint without an arguement. you're home is you're personally space & you shouldn't have to retreit & go drivng(wasting gas if you really don't need to go anywhere) just to get peace & quiet. as far as childcare with them goes, trust your instincts, they're right more often than you know.good luck.

I also have a pushy MIL. I can feel your pain. Seems that so many of us do! My MIL also likes to "help" us out by taking our children for a day or two. They don't follow our rules either. When they were babies, they absolutely didn't get to watch the girls, now that they are older, they do watch them in a pinch. My husband finally explained to them that we had children because we wanted children. We like our children and we enjoy spending time with them, so taking the kids with us to the store is what we want to do. Now when we need to go someplace w/o the kids, like Christmas shopping, we take turns with all the people in our lives who love them. His mother gets very angry when she finds out that they have been to stay with his father or his aunt, but I just tell her that Grandpa or Aunt Dot loves them also. His Aunt lives next door to us, so my baby sees them often and recognizes and prefers Aunt and Uncle to Grandma, this is a real problem for MIL. Oh Well, not my problem. We also have the problem of all the strings attached to whatever she does for us. Finally we just had to decide that we were in charge and they played by our rules or they just didn't play. It took about 3 months of not seeing the kids at all for them to get it, but they did. Now, when she wants to take the kids someplace, I always have an excuse for something else that we have to do. When she buys them something inappropriate, I say in front of her and the child, "You know that you aren't allowed to have (whatever), you will have to give it back or I will take it away." It sends the message to her that I am willing to be the bad guy to stand my ground, and its working. One year she bought the girls a tv/dvd player for Christmas. They were 3 & 1 at the time. I told my husband right at the Christmas dinner table that they were not going to have a tv in their bedroom, at the age they were, I wanted to be in control of what they watched and I wanted them to watch with the family. We left the gift there. The girls got nothing for Christmas, but now she usually checks with us about the gifts before she buys them. Good Luck to you. I hope you find something that will work for you.

WOW!!! I luckily get along well with and like my in-laws but I can tell you what I would do if I were in the same situation. First, they obviously aren't able to cut the apron strings and that will probably never change. It isn't something you should take personally, they would have reacted this way to whoever their son married. If they continually came over unannouced I would say that they may be asked to leave if they were unexpected and you have other things to do. You aren't there to relieve their boredom! You could also just not answer the door and I would think after a few times they would give up. I can't believe that someone would actually complain that a mother is staying home with her baby but I know it happens. I would certainly tell them with anything regarding your child that you and their son are the parents and that you understand that they did what they thought was best for their children, but this is your child and this is what you think is best for her. If you don't want them to babysit make that clear and that you will let them know when you do. She is only 7 months old so she shouldn't be away from you much anyway espcially if there is a reason to think she is in a potentially unsafe place. I would just caution though to be really careful about why you are making that assumption. If you husband's brother has been shown to be unsafe then leaving her with the grandparents would be unwise. But if he was having a little "hissy fit" kicking the empty car seat there probably isn't anything to worry about. You may have to make special times for them to see their grandchild to make up for that time they think they are losing in not being able to just "drop in" or be able to babysit. There's no reason why they can't be grandparents with you in the room, definitely a control issue! Hopefully your husband is on board and is willing to have these hard conversations with his parents and you don't have to though.

First line of defense would be to move further away. My family is 2 hours from here, and don't think I don't like the buffer!!

Next time they show up unannounced - who says you have to answer the door? Unless they have a key to the house (which I definitely wouldn't give them one), don't answer the door. Trust me - it's not a sin to not answer the door! LOL

Sounds like too - it's time to start limiting visits with them. We found out a long time ago when going through infertility stuff that there were just certain people we could no longer afford to be around. They were negative, and felt like they knew more about what we were going through than we did.

If they're as hard-headed as my parents, it may take them a LONG time to respect you guys as parents, or quit making excuses for you staying home. Really, your husband needs to go to bat since they're his parents, and tell them to knock it off...but go with him if you have to, and have someone watch your daughter too and just let them know, "Look - here's the deal...stop making excuses for me staying home - enough with the unannounced visits, etc. etc. etc. and the reason we don't want you watching our daughter is... and until we feel like it's safe to leave her here, we aren't going to." And just let them know how you feel. Obviously, you're going to have to set some boundaries. If they won't stop the unannounced visits, then maybe you could all agree that "Tuesday's at 4pm" is the day/time they can come over, otherwise, you guys aren't available.

Just a few thoughts....good luck!

Good luck!

K., I have gone through, and am still going through a lot of the same things you are. My husband's mother is absolutely rediculous about trying to always be the one in control, especially of my husband. ( i don't beleive she has EVER cut the cord). I have spent countless hours, and many tears shed over behavior, she would insult me, my husband, and everything in between, never to anyones face though always behind your back, and then you know it always gets back to you. Finally i had had enough after the birht of our son, she had made a comment about "me not raising my son right", ( he was only maybe 1 month old) I am not comfortable with confrontation, but you need to draw a line somewhere, and that was it for me, when she made a commment about me and my son, so i told her, very nicely, well as nice as possible, that she is not the one making the pareting desicions, my husband and i are and under no cirumstances is she to try to over-ride us or talk negatively like that about us, because it will not be advantagious for her in the end. Getting enough nerve up to say that to her felt really good, she walks all over everyone. it has gotten better, by no means do i think of her as a "second mom" but better. You need to stand your ground, and that deos not require you to be nasty or make rude scomments, but if you dont want her watching your daughter, and you have that right, then dont! She is your daughter and you need to stand up for her and keep her in a safe environment and it doesnt sound like your mother in law has that. Good luck
C.

Hey, K., My daughter had(has) this problem, including Mom trying to change the wedding ceremony during rehearsals! The solution to this problem is your husband's responsibility. You will be accused of brainwashing him, as my daughter was. So be it. These people don't want to give up control, but the only way they have it is if you give it to them! When they come knocking unannounced, don't answer the door. Make your own babysitting arrangements, and take back your life. You can't control what they say, so don't bother. Believe me, other people aren't fooled by them. Please, always take the high road--you will eventually win this one, unless control is more important to them than seeing their grandchildren. That's on them, not you. This is just like dealing with a spoiled child. Be firm, be loving in all that you say, and enforce YOUR rules without extra comment or drama. Any discussions need to be handled by hubby, phone calls,etc. go directly to him. (You wouldn't expect him to handle your Mom, would you?)Your family, your rules---their family, their rules. Simple. He needs to protect his family from all intruders, even them. You're his family now. It takes time and patience, and it will never be perfect, but it WILL get better! Good luck!

I can completely sympathize with you! I was married to my in-laws as well for over 5 years. My biggest issue with the whole thing was that my husband did not stand by my side. My in-laws insisted on paying for our car payment. (I drove one of their cars.) They bought our clothes. Every vacation was spent on the "family" vacation with them and SIL's family. They tried to tell me how I should dress, do my hair, decorate my house, etc. My husband thought that was ok. "Mom's word was gold." When I insisted that I buy and pay for my own car, my husband asked his father's permission to co-sign for his wife! I instructed the insurance company to send my the bill, so that I could pay my own insurance. I was overruled. He sent it to them. They paid it upfront for 2 years! I thought that if I left my hubby(temporarily) he would get the point and make changes. Needless to say, we are divorced. It sounds like your hubby is at least somewhat on the same page as you. I was not that fortunate. I wish I had been a little older and wiser to defend myself to them. I married at 20. I was never able to buy my son his first Halloween costume, first X-mas outfit, etc. My ex and I are still friends, but it was a long and ugly divorce. The parents were of course involved every step of the way. The court ordered marriage counselor had to make my FIL leave one session because he thought he was going to supervise. It sounds like your hubby at least shares your feelings. Stand your ground. I wish I had been a little stronger at the time. Perhaps, my hubby and I could have worked things out if we had been a little wiser and more mature in dealing with that situation. We both are in other long term relationships now, and it looks like he learned his lesson. Mom and Dad are still quite involved in his and my son's lives, but they no longer make his decisions. Too little, too late! Good luck!

First, give your husband a big kiss for being on your side!!! Then, each time they come unannounced, say something like "Oh, it's great to see you, it's too bad we don't have time to visit. Next time, give us a heads-up and we'll make sure to make time to see you." If you are in the middle of something, go back to it, if you are on your way out, continue as planned, if you have no plans, pretend like you do, drive around the block if you have to! Best case senario, they get the hint and quit stopping by, worst case, they get angry and quit stopping by.
Maybe your husband can sit them down and tell them that he feels undermined by their comments? Certainly, if they don't care that they offend you, they don't want to offend what seems to be their "precious boy"? Maybe not...but it seems it can't hurt at this point. If he told them he's happy that you are staying home and taking care of his daughter and that they need to give up hope of anything else and that he's offended that they don't trust his judgment, then it won't sound to them like you are whining.

Good Luck :)

This may sound really dumb, but how was the living situation when your husband was younger? My pushy MIL lived with her parents while raising my husband (or rather, while grandma did and she worked), and whatever grandma wanted to do was done - for example my husband's grandma insisted that he start on cereal in his bottle at 2 months and it was done. My MIL insisted on that and not once has he had anything other than liquids in his bottle, and did not start on solids until 4 months as advised by the doctor. With her experience with her mother acting as grandma, my MIL tends to think that she can tell me what to do and I'll hop to it, as it is the case with the rest of the family (except for us - yes even her sister, a Major in the Air Force going for her PhD. apparently needs her guidance in what do for the holidays); your MIL might be thinking along those lines.

From one honeymoon baby's mama to another, keep in mind you're still outlining the boundaries between when your husband is their son and when he is your husband, so it may take a bit longer with your daughter in the mix. They are trying to determine what their new roles are in his life. They're like grown-up toddlers so to speak. And some are more stubborn than others. :)

Also, I like the way you phrase your choice to stay at home. I guess my version of feminism includes the choice to be a stay-at-home mom, not be a stay-at-home mom or a career mom due to fear of someone rolling their eyes. Good for you and your positive thinking!

I can sympathize with you! In-laws can be so annoying. My husband called his mom as soon as we got to our honeymoon destination. I was furious! For the first 3 year of being married, we got weekly (sometimes more frequent) phone calls: "hi, just wanted to check on you guys." When my first baby was born, my parents were on a trip - out of the country. My mil was so overbearing, she'd tell me to think of her as my mom. I can't do that, my mom will never be replaced.
Things have gotten much better - I've been married 4 years. My advice is to avoid telling her any personal information, about your feelings, relationship, don't tell her when your stressed. Don't explain to her why you make the decisions you make. You and your husband are your own family now, and you need privacy. When they come over unannounced, don't welcome them in. If you are busy, tell them you are busy. If your daughter is napping, tell them that she is napping and you were trying to relax while you had a quite moment. Make any excuse to get them to go away.
Someday, you may appreciate them....but until then, avoid them. When my inlaws got too annoying, I told my husband that he had to go hangout with them and that I was staying home. And the weekly phone calls, I stopped answering the phone.
They got the hint. There are no hard feelings and we see them about once a month and it's always a good visit. I wish you the best and hope you work things out!
S.

I had the same problem, not with my in laws, but with MY mom! She leads a lifestyle that's not ideal for watching a child. I finally just told her the truth. It was hard for her to hear and she was really upset with me for a bit, but she got over it. Now she knows the rules and she sticks to them! I know it's not the same sitation as you, but I believe honesty is the best policy. Sit down with your MIL and FIL with your husband. Explain to them that while you truly appreciate the love they have for you, their son, and your daughter; you do have a few house rules that they need to follow as well. You will no longer be answering the door if they come over unannounced, due to your daughter's special circumstances and the disabled child's history of aggression, you just dont' feel comfortable with your baby at their house. Perhaps when she is a bit older. I would like to give you a small word of caution...you can't control what happens when you leave your baby. My dad and stepmom are the most loving grandparents in the world, but they don't follow my rules. I hate for my daughter to have kool-aid, but she drinks it there and the same goes for candy and lots of sugary snacks. I finally realized I was fighting a losing battle and had to loosen the reigns a little, so to speak. By all means, stick to your guns now while your daughter is a baby, especially since she's a preemie. Hopefully you can find a way to resolve this situation without causing more strain on your relationship. And BRAVO! to your husband for taking your side!

Family Conference Time. Talk to your husband and see how he really feels about what is going on. Make a list of things you need to discuss with them together. Call them, make arrangements to go out to dinner with just them, hire a sitter, and go out.
At the restaurant have your husband start the conversation with them. Let him lead the way in setting down the rules and regulations of their relationship with your family.
Remind them it is your family, these are the rules. If the rules are violated then there will be consequences for the violations.
Be open with them and your expectations.

K., I don't really have any advice on the in-law situation, but I just wanted to say that you should never feel embarrassed or second-guess leaving your job to stay home with your daughter! You've made a wonderful, wonderful decision! Your daughter will benefit so much from having her mother there to be the one to raise her. I cannot believe that your in-laws would show disgust at this decision. You are absolutely doing what is best for your family. Good for you. And if your in-laws don't see that, well then that's their problem, not yours.

Hi K.. The only way to set boundaries and keep them are to keep reiterating the boundaries. My in-laws are very distant. So I don't have that problem. I do, however have it with my own mother somewhat. Everytime they come over without calling, you will have to say something like, "I asked you to call before you came." And I seriously would not be leaving my child at any age at their house with someone with any kind of anger issues. That puts your daughter at risk. If they want/need to watch her, have them watch her at your house where she is comfortable and has everything she needs. You may also need to have sit down and explain your concerns to them again. What they judge and how they feel about what you do with your family is for them to worry about, not you.

I totally understand. I mean we are in almost the exact situation. My mother in law has a problem with cleptomania and wonders why I won't let her take my kids to the store. When they are in a public place with my children, they leave the kids alone and walk away from them. They judge me for bieng a stay at home mom, and say horrible things to me and about me to others because I finally decided that they were unsafe to be around my kids without supervision. Ok, so maybe yours arn't sooo bad, but, I get it. The only thing that I can say is to be consistant. If you say something than stand your ground. If they show up unannounced, don't open the door.Put a sighn on the door saying do not disturb. I know that it sounds harsh, but sometimes it's the only way. God Bless you. Hang in there!

The only thing i can think of is move away. If your husband job can transfer and you can afford the move i would move away. I really don't think there is any other way of getting out of it.

I didnt read through all the post but I will put my 2 cents in. If they insist on not calling ahead of time then "just be getting ready to walk out the door" when they get there. I am sure you also have a diaper bag packed so its not going to be that difficult to pull this off. Put the baby in her carseat, make up some place your going (WalMart is ALWAYS open~somewhere), and just go. Your husband must go along too or else they will just stay there. Whatever you do though, do not go where you said you were going-they may follow. If you dont trust them, do not leave the baby. I went through a simliar thing with my mom and step dad and my kids didnt stay over there for a long time.
As for making excuses to stay home with your baby, isnt that what we all want to do? How lucky for you to be able to do so! If she says anything in front of you to one of her friends CORRECT her on the spot, right in front of her. This was your and hubbys choice to do what was BEST for your baby!
Good luck with everything. Have a great time with your new baby!!!
SZ

Talk about puchy in laws! I have the same problem, almost to a tee! My husband has two children from a previous relationship (teen daughters)that he has sole custody of and has forever. My mom in law is very close with them, which is great, however, my husband and I also have a severely disabled 7 yr old son that she pretty much has nothing to do with, I think embarrassment.
When he was first born she too would make excuses as to why I quit. She only told one friend that I had the baby, the rest had to beg for info. When we were together and she would make up an excuses, I would simply say, haveing a child with special needs requires a lot of time and attention so it is necessary for me to stay home. After aobut 3 times, she finally kept her mouth shut.
I too have a please call before you come over "rule", they don't always like to do that. So, what I did was if we wre home and the doors were closed I just wouldn't answer the door and if the doors were open, I would invite them in, however, I would continue with what I was doing before they came. Whatever it was, sometimes computer playing or do laundry, whatever it is I kept on doing it.
As far as your child, the grandparents rarely listen to the parents when it comes to the grandchildren. As much as I don't like it, I have given up the reigns on the fact that gramma's house is gramma's house and all bets are off. As long as it is not harmful to the child then I say what the heck give them a try. i understand they have a child with a disabiblity, however they still need to be given a chance, if you dont you will regret it.
I know a lot of this might seem mean and I have gone with my mother in law not talking to me for 3 -4 months at a time, however, she needed to learn that she can't just do whatever she wants with me, I am not like everyone else, I also like my space.
Good Luck

Hi K.. As you know, you have to find a solution to this. I can honestly say that my in-laws played a huge part in my divorce to their son. Luckily it sounds like your husband feels the same way you do. My ex would not speak up to his parents. My mother-in-law also acted as if she were attending a funural at my wedding. She constantly would pop in and then judge me for the condition of my house (which was clean but not to her standards) and for my parenting abilities. She would tell me I was not a good wife. She did this stuff for the first four years of our marriage while we didn't have children andthen even more once the children were born. You have to be very stern with them. I would ask them once again to call first. After asking one more time, I just wouldn't answer the door when they show up - even if they realize you are there. It will definitely prove a point. I would also call them out on their excuses. The next time your inlaws lie to their friends in front of you I would just say that's not true and give them the truth. Maybe you could mention to your in-laws first that it hurts your feelings that they make up excuses. I can't believe they wouldn't be proud that the mother of their grandchild gave up a great job to be with their kid. Both of my children were preemies. I was able to work part-time (very good job) at first but once my son was born I had to give up my job. He had a lot of health issues and would never survive day care. I stayed home for 6 years and it was wonderful. Going back to work was the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss my babies (now 9 & 6) so much so enjoy the time while you can. Don't let her belittle you for it.
As far as the babysitting.... At some point we have to realize that not everyone is going to do things exactly like we do but as long as they are not going to endanger your child, it is probably okay for them to watch her for a few hours. However, I would voice your concerns about the child with disabilities.
I would also try this book: The in-law survivial manual : a guide to cultivating healthy in-law relationships.
Good luck

Dear K.,
I feel that your husband needs to talk with them. If you do, they 'll put blame on you. He needs to prayerfully and lovingly talk with them. He might have to make it a special event and then tell them that you need time as a family alone. You and your husband need to be by yourselves so you can get to know eachother. I believe they love him (and you) very much but they have a hard time expressing it without being bothersome.
I would also investigate the relationship between your husband's parents and their parents. Was there any interaction and what kind. Maybe your husband would know or one of his siblings. It could shed some light on the situation.
L. J

i have the same issues with my in laws and here are a few books my therapist reccommended and i have found to help..Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by susan forward, When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity by leonard felder.hang in there!

I am soo sorry that IL's have to be this way. And, unfortunately for some, it doesn't get better. My husband & I have been married for almost 9 years and together almost 16. My MIL has only gotten worse, especially since the kids have been born. (sorry to say) She is very passive/aggressive. I think that the best way is for your husband (since it's his parents) to have a talk and tell them the "rules". And, there is no law that says that you have to answer the door. Tell them you were napping or taking a shower, anything. Sooner or later, they "should" get it. I feel fortunate enough that my IL's live 2 states away, I'm afraid of what would happen if we lived closer. There are just some things that you won't be able to change, and you can't control how they feel. But, you can control how you act and what you do. Lay down the law. And, don't feel bad that you aren't ready or even willing to let your daughter stay with them. She's your child. My son is 5 and I still won't let him stay with my IL's, aside from the 2 states away thing.

I feel your pain! I have no advice, but just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way about my in-laws. I had to "go off" on my mother-in-law last Christmas. It is very stressful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You made the best decision to stay with your child, I applaud you for it even if they don't. Good luck!

Just a few suggestions...when they show up unannounced, either you or your husband should open the door, don't let them in...but explain this isn't a good time for them to drop by and then close the door. Yes, they'll be upset. But, if you keep letting them in the house, then they will continue to think it's all right. There was an older lady in our church when I was young who NEVER opened the door if someone just dropped in. You could see her washing dishes, etc. and if you didn't call, or they didn't invite you, she wouldn't even open the door. While this sounds mean, it is YOUR house! You need family time, etc. and you can control that.

Secondly, it's hard to control what other people say. Your mother in law may make comments about your staying at home. But, if you can, you can just tell them that you actually just wanted to be home with your daughter. She will probably flounder around, but in the long run, she looks kinda silly trying to contradict YOUR reasons for staying at home...and others will see that.

I have always had a strict rule that ANYone who does things we don't wish done, or don't approve of does not get to watch my kids. We had to do this with my in laws and after a while, they realized what they were missing. Also, when my girls were older, they knew what they could and couldn't do, so it was easier. Again, it sounds mean, but parents don't have kids so that their parents can be grandparents!! This is what I had to tell my in laws. We had the girls for us...not for them. And, this is how we want to raise them and we will disagree from time to time.

It sounds like you are doing all right. Just keep in mind that these are your kids and grandparents often feel they have "rights". In truth, they don't. You may never be able to curb their comments, but you can do a few things to let them know you are serious and that it's your way when it comes to your kids.

I hope this helps...and God Bless you! I know inlaws can be tough! Take care!!

You poor poor thing. I can relate, but things aren't that bad on this end.

As far as ending their unannounced visits - lock the door and don't answer it. If they question you being home and not coming to the door, say you were napping with your daughter or giving her a bath or something. Or, better yet, you could move...far far away...lol.

As far as the taking ownership and not respecting you being your daughter's parent - don't let them watch her. Period. Make up an excuse as to why you can't leave her with them.

If she makes up excuses as to why you're not working and you are right there, speak to the person she is speaking to (in front of her) and correct her. (i.e. if she says "She is staying home because *insert excuse*", say, "well, actually Julie, we decided I would stay home to take care of my daughter since she has special needs.") Eventually, she will get the hint, or she is just a real idiot....

My MIL stopped over unannounced one time and never did it again. I was obviously not happy about it and she caught on - although not without comments to my husband about me. After that, she would say she might stop over, and when she did, she would walk right in like she owns the place, so I started locking the door.

I wish you the best of luck!!! IL's suck! :o)

Hi K.,
God bless you for dealing with in-laws like that. I haven't personally had experience with what you're going through, but I recall reading about a similar situation on an advice column. The response was to always keep your doors locked, and when the in-laws show up unannounced, you or your husband meet them at the door and tell them that right now isn't a good time for company and please call next time. Don't let them in, just make the statement and close the door. The advice columnist said to do it repeatedly until they start calling. She said that if you allow them to come in when they arrive unannounced that it gives them exactly what they want, so they will only continue doing it.

I assume that your or your husband has told them directly how their behavior makes you feel. Unfortunately, ultra-controlling people like that just don't respect other people's feelings. Perhaps it's time to minimize contact with them until they start respecting you as a parent, an adult, and a memeber of their family.

The only other thing I want to make a suggestion about is when your mother-in-law makes excuses for you being a SAHM. If I were you, when she starts making excuses, I would interject and say that it was a personal decision made by my husband and myself in consideration of the best interests of our family; that I am in no way ashamed of not working outside the home because I know what I'm doing for my family is far more valuable than money.

You're in a tough situation, and I pray that it gets better for you.

All my best!
A.

My first question is are you guys in any way dependent on them? If not, your husband needs to talk to them. I don't think there's much you can do about your mother-in-law's attitude about a stay-at-home mom, is she a feminist type? My mother-in-law was psyched when I decided to stay home, because she was a stay-at-home mom too. Anyway, answer the door in your towel and tell them it's a bad time, maybe if they had called you could have saved them the trip over, if you want to really make the point - although there are several ways this could backfire.

Really, in the end, this is something your husband needs to take care of. Good luck with this!

I know how you feel, I know it is hard, but you have a good husband, right? And they raised him, right? So, I think you should just relax, ease up, take the "if I can't beat them, join them" attitude. They are not doing things to aggravate you, they just want to see you both and be close to you and their grandchild. You will understnd better when you are older.
The more you think of them as trying to "control" you, the more aggravated you are going to get. They may feel that you are trying to "control" them.
If they stop over uninvited, ask what you can do for them. Let them know you have things you must get done. If your husband is home and wants to visit them, he should. Or he can handle how to tell them that you are both busy.
Let your husband handle his parents, you handle yours.
Believe me, everything will be fine, trust God to take care of your daughter when she is in their hands.

A few suggestions from a child of a pushy grandma: You are the parents of your child, therefore, you are the gatekeepers. If they want to have access to their grandchild, they have to accept the rules you set forth for the safety and well-being of your child. They also have to accept the parenting choices you make. You know your child better than anyone else and you have your own style. You can always respond with, "Thank you, we will consider that option."
My grandmother was very controlling, so my mother always worked to keep the Mississippi River between us. In fact, their honeymoon was the trip moving from Oregon to Texas. (Not quite across the Mississippi, but really far away, none-the-less.) Grandma could never figure out the time change and would always call them after midnight. Dad just refused to give Mom the phone (Mom approved.)
Fairly early on, Grandma would call and ask what Mom was going to get us for Christmas, then she would go out and buy the best gift herself. She would always say that she found it on sale, so she just went ahead and picked it up. Mom quickly figured out this game and began to use it to her advantage.
My parents also never let us go visit until we were old enough to verbally and clearly tell them what had happened at Grandma's house. Grandpa was a great guy and he passed when I was 9, but we had only visited 1-2 times before he passed.
We as kids knew Grandma was difficult, but we loved her and did enjoy our time with her. Mom and Dad did not bad mouth her in front of us, but we were smart enough from spending time with her to know that she wasn't our favorite. I learned most of this after she passed while I was in college.
Set your limits, stick to them, and be the best parents you can be for your child. Stay home as long as you want to (even after they are all in school if you want to.) Homeschool if you want to. You will know all of your children better than anyone else and will be the most equipped to meet their needs.

Oh boy, I can relate to your problem. My MIL is absolutely always right (insert sarcasm). In her eyes, I have ruined her son's life. She drove him to tears the day before our wedding threatening that she would not come because she does not support our marriage. Well, she did come, and she walked out during the reception. After repeated attempts to work things out, we decided to stop contact with her. We now have two beautiful girls and a baby on the way, and she has shown no interest in rectifying the situation. It's really sad and unfortunate.

On to your problems, the best advice I can give you is to let your husband be the primary communicator with your in-laws. This is Dr. Phil's advice, actually, and I think it works well. Perhaps your husband can sit down with his family and explain where you both are coming from and what you expect from them (even though I know you have done this before). They need to hear it from him to see that you are a united front in your marriage and the raising of your daughter. This way, they can't really point the finger at you since it is coming from your husband. After years of this nonsense, I put my husband in charge of all decisions and communication regarding his family (after we've discussed it, of course). That way, I don't feel like the bad guy for causing strife in their relationship, and they have no ammo to blame me for anything. It has cut down on the drama.

I don't know what to say as far as them continuing to show up unannounced. Maybe next time tell them that you have plans with a friend and are on your way out. As far as the babysitting issue, I would listen to your gut as a mother. If you don't feel comfortable with the baby in their home, do not let them babysit. You owe them no reason for your decision. Better to be safe and upset your in-laws than sorry.

I, too, left a great job to stay home with my children because it was the best decision for our family's situation. Your MIL should feel proud that her son is successful enough to provide for his family on one income and that you care enough about the best possible care for your daughter to sacrifice your career! If she makes excuses in front of you, I would interject to say that you are fortunate enough to be staying home with your daughter during this precious time in her life. Turn it into a positive statement to counter her negativity.

Sorry this is so long, but I feel for you as this strikes so close to home. There is a great book called "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward. I highly recommend it. Good luck to you!

I don't really have any advice--the last mom who posted had some great ideas and I second what she said. Howvever something occured to me as I was reading all the responses from moms with difficult IL's--I hope that everyone remembers this when their kids get married! Be respectful of your kids marriage and parenting even if you disagree. I know I have had to bite my tongue a few times with my daughter who has kids! She lives in another state --but when she did live here for a short time I would never dream of just stopping over without calling(at her house or anyones house for that matter!) A good in law can be a blessing, so strive to be that.

K.,
I feel for you both! Its really hard dealing with this. I know because I've been dealing with my pushy mother-in-law for 10 years. I have to say, It does get better. Over time, you get stronger. you decide that nothing they say or do is going to bring you down. if you agonize over it, they win. Be firm. hold your ground. Tell them your thoughts in a nice way. They will probably talk about you for a while but then they will start to realize that if they want to see their granddaughter, they will have to follow your rules. When my MIL used to drop by without calling, I would make sure that I needed to do something that minute. Whether it be "we were just running to the store", or " we were just going to have some quiet time". Simply say, oh- i'm sorry, that is why we'd really like it if you'd call first.
I promise it does get better. Remember, they must not be too bad if they raised a son good enough for you to marry.
As for the disabled child, you dont have to tell them that you dont trust him, just try avoiding any situation that will leave your daughter alone with him. Maybe you could have your husband mention to them about the car seat incident and tell them it bothered you.
Good luck.

Hi K.,

I feel you.
My mother in law have a great relationship, but there are things that make me choose to keep a a healthy distance.
She has actually offered to "take" my kids to help out in the evenings for a few hours.
I think this is very nice, but I am not taking her up on it.
Simply because I feel she and her husband are already too nosey, they ask about things that are simply not their business like our taxes, when they meet my friends, they ALWAYS have something to say, even her 40 y/o son who has no life.
Anyway, she is the type that has an opinion about everything, she wanted to give my 2 yo a purse - fine, and put REAl keys inside and I said no because they contain lead. She then tried to argue with me cos her "know-it-all" husband said they don't so I pulled an article to correct them. Why even argue with me? Even if I am wrong, keys are gross and dirty!
Just an example, nonetheless.
She always REPEATS what I say like an echo, makes me want to scream!
If I say to my dd - you must eat first - she says, mama says you have to eat first, eat first. But I mean it is so excessive and annoying!!!
She even tells my dd to mind me and do as I say as I give her instruciton and I can't handle it, like SHUT UP I don't need a mediator between my daughter and I!!!
My husband isn't going to say anything, whatever.
I deal with it.
She's a great grandmother and personalities and preferences differ and since I can't find a way to tell her without sending her home crying, I just keep as much distance as possible, without shutting them out.
She is very considerate about the "not showing unannounced" my sister has that prob and she doesn't answer the phone or the door. If they get mad she says she wasn't expecting people and was spending time with her kids.
She actually quit working part-time to stay with them cos of things she didn't like the way they did things when they'd watch them.

The only suggestion I can give you is be VERY private.

I used to tell my MIL a lot thinking we were building a close relationship - but her opinionated, intrusive and over bearing personality made me realize that it wasn't healthy and now I only tell her things on a "must know basis"

If I allowed it, she'd see my kids 3 times a week, and it's not that I don't like her, they're simply different personalities but mostly, it is my privacy and space.

Whatever you are comfortable with is what you should stick to.

You've gotten a lot of great advice. What is it about IL's that makes them such a nightmare? My MIL watches my daughter 3 days a week, which I am very thankful for. We can't afford daycare because of my husbands job. My niece is only 4 months older than my dd, so my MIL likes to compare the two. For example, my niece started drinking out of a sippy cup, so it was time for my daughter to- even had to be the same kind of cup. If my niece liked a certain food, my dd should too. She fed her a solid food before she was ready and my dd ending up choking to the point they had to beat her on her back to dislodge it. That was after I had told her that she wasn't ready for it yet. My SIL told me about that, my MIL never mentioned it to me. She was even going to sign my dd up for swimming lessons without asking me. My dd just turned 1 in July, so that put me over the edge. She listens better now, but still likes to give her opinions.

My real problem is my FIL. He has to have absolute control over his family and kids. What he says, goes. My husband longs for his approval and will do anything to please his dad. My husband works for his dad, so he sees him every day and we attend the same church. His dad takes advantage of him so bad and totally tries to control everything he's involved in. He gets paid a set salary, no matter how many hours he puts in. Most of the time, it's less than minimum wage. If he would work for a different company doing the same thing, we would be financially stable, but instead, he doesn't want to disappoint his father. So he will work there, for pennies, until the day he dies. My husband shipped his motorcycle to FL for the winter so his uncle could store/ride it. When the weather finally broke here, he wanted to fly down and ride it home. His dad cried and told him he shouldn't ride it home such a long ways. He was too worried about him, so my husband ended up spending another $500 to have it shipped back to OH. If my FIL gets involved in projects for the church, he makes my husband go and work like a dog every weekend- no options. Just a couple examples. So I feel your pain.

I have a perfectly healthy baby girl and I would love to stay home with her, but I'm the main bread winner, and carry the insurance, so that will never be an option. You don't need an excuse to stay home with your little miracle. Good for you that you're able to do that.

Next time they come over, uninvited/without calling first, lock the doors and don't answer the door or phones. That might sound harsh, but it will drive the point home, quickly.
As for the issues with your daughter, as a mom of a preemie, myself, I completely understand where you are coming from. You do what you and your husband feel is best for your daughter. Don't make any apologies for those decisions, stick with them, and if your inlaws don't like it, tough. That's THEIR problem that THEY can deal with. You just focus on your precious baby girl.
My inlaws pushed and pushed to watch our preemie son and I refused until a few months ago. He's now 28 months old, and they wouldn't let it die for nearly 2 years, that I never let them watch him. But they smoke and he is very prone to lung problems and it's not something I wanted to risk, especially as an infant, and then once he had RSV. I stuck to my guns and any time they brought it up, I'd just say I'd let them know when I was ready, and I moved on to another topic. If it was brought up again (which it was, at least 3 times every time we'd see them), I'd simply ignore them, come home and call MY mom (who was very understanding and never pushed to watch him) and vent, lol.
Don't let them spoil your memories and the time you spend as a family. Ya'll live your lives the way you want and if they don't like it, too bad. :-)