I Miss My Baby

You would be more sad if he wasn't doing these thing and had no friends to play with.

Instead of asking him how his day was, ask him the best thing about his day and the worst thing. Ask him who he sat with at lunch and who he played with at recess. When he goes to bed at night and the lights are out have a conversation with him. My girls were more chatty at bed time than any other time probably because they didn't want to go to sleep and there were not any other distractions but I really learned a lot about their day and their thoughts.

He's a growing boy and he's doing exactly what growing kids are supposed to do. Forcing him to socialize with you won't make him a happy camper. Let him grow up.

I used to mourn the passing of stages, until a friend lost her 9 year old nephew in a car accident. Then I realized that the Lost Boys of Peter Pan didn't have the fun lack of responsibility by never growing up, but that they would never have the opportunity to grow up. So now I focus on how great each new stage is and how blessed I am to get to see them grow.

He's not a baby. Support him gaining independence. This is your issue...and don't use Google, use common sense.

snork!

i was expecting an empty-nester question! not a 6 year old doing exactly what a 6 year old should!

that being said, i hear you. every new stage means saying goodbye to the old stage, and that's hard.

but geez, he's 6. you're not 'emotionally letting him go.' the incremental freedoms of not being tied to a nursling are something to mourn briefly and celebrate widely. it's been happening since he was an infant, and will continue alllllllll the way throughout his life. my 29 year old is moving into a new life phase this weekend. i still feel it. not traumatically, but in a bittersweet way.

there's nothing more stultifying to a thoughtful interesting dialogue than 'how was school today?' i mean, all you're eliciting is a 'fine' and moving onto something interesting. you can't expect a 6 year old to give you the excited prattle of a preschooler, nor the frustrated tired rundown that your spouse might need to unload. your kid's been in school all day. he wants to get his head OUT of school. let him.

google is not a parent. do not parent through google.

sitting and sifting through is baby pictures has me a little worried for you, hon. i'm not saying that be 'negative and mommy-bashing.' if he were going to stay with a non-custodial parent for a month, or heading overseas, maybe that would be appropriate. but i'm hearing a touch of depression, and a potentially worrisome inclination to keep your kid so close that independence will be an issue. maybe not- but take an honest look at yourself and be careful with it.

'forcing' him to socialize with you makes that worry more than vague. your elementary school kid SHOULD be looking past his mother for companions and playmates. you can enjoy mommy snuggle times while still celebrating his growing ability to focus outward as is developmentally appropriate. if you don't clutch him, he'll still want mommy snuggle times. less often than when he was 3.

a little sadness is okay. it's part of mothering. too much is a red flag. you may well be in okay and not red flag territory. but it's not mommy-bashing to see a potential for a red flag situation here.
khairete
S.

Yes this is normal and good, but one thing you can do is stop with the questions that don't invite conversation (how was your day? fine. do you want chicken or spaghetti? chicken. etc.)
Instead, now is the time to ENGAGE him.
Who did you play with at recess today, what did you do in PE, tell me about this picture you drew, it looks really cool, stuff like that. That will get him talking and sharing.
Banning him from his favorite things isn't going to help you bond it's only going to drive a bigger wedge between you (and I swear I'm convinced it's exactly THAT kind of parental behavior that drives kids to become sneaky and act like teenagers before their time.)
He's no longer a baby and certainly doesn't want to be treated like one, so start treating him like the special, verbal, emotional, curious and intelligent little human being he is!!!

As the parent of grown kids I can say: At six, he's still a baby. You haven't lost your baby.

But, I have noticed this odd effect on kids of all ages that technology has. When in the presence of technology, nothing else matters. Limit his iPad time to an hour or so a day, and you will get your baby back.

Try to reconnect with him somehow...my kids are 8, 10, and 12 and while they do enjoy more time in their rooms or the basement than sitting with me on the couch to watch news, I feel far from emotionally detached. We find things our kids like to do and make sure we spend our family time that way...sports, movies, hiking, whatever.

Our kids are extremely independent, but we instill the importance of family and family time in them. I am not saying you aren't doing that, but maybe try some ways to spend more time with him doing what he likes.

What you're describing is completely normal.

First of all, don't ask "how was school" - you will only get "fine" or "I forget." Learn to ask more open-ended questions. When he gets out his homework, ask him to show you how to do it. That will tell you what he learned in school much better than "How was your day?" or "What did you do today?"

Secondly, he's moving into a new and important phase, which doesn't mean he doesn't need you. It means he needs you for different things. You're going to miss all of this if you don't see him as just as important at every age as he was as a baby.

A parent should not be the child's entire universe. If you look through other posts here, you will see parents upset that their children are crying at school, or unable to be in a room alone, or unable to sleep alone. Is that what you want? Of course not. But you do seem to be upset that he has confidence, independence, maturity, social skills, friends, and the ability to separate from you and connect with a teacher, principal, and other adults.

You don't have to emotionally let him go. You have to let go of the toddler and the preschooler, and move into the role of "mom of an elementary schooler." If you don't master this, you will have a terrible time with the tween, teen and college years! He hasn't been a baby for a long time, but I think maybe you missed that part? What's going to happen now is that you will miss all the wonderful moments of child & mother because you're only focusing on what you don't have, rather than what you do have.

Honestly, I think you've done a great job if he's able to navigate these new experiences so well. Please read some good books - ask your local librarian - on different developmental stages of kids' lives (recognizing they come at different points with different kids). And instead of seeing him as "starting to pull away", see him as "joining the world around him" and "needing more guidance from his mother in different ways." I know you see this as "wrong" at age 6, but at what age would it be okay? At what age would you suddenly be willing to let go? 8? 10? College? The point is, it's never easy if you wait for a specific cut-off point. This is a continuum. He's on it. You can join him on it instead of lamenting that he went ahead while you weren't looking.

We all miss things about our babies, then our toddlers, then our kindergarteners, etc.. It's okay to see milestones as a little bittersweet - but it's not okay to fall into abject misery because we underestimate our roles. We all need to learn to love the entirety of our children.

I won't mommy bash you :) I know what you are describing.

My little one asks for the ipad too and she is clingy. So that part .. I think that's just kids and electronics I'm afraid. I do limit ours when I feel it's getting out of hand. And she says the same (actually all mine did, that school was fine/good).

I think it depends on the kid. Mine are all different. My eldest took off the minute he could with kids. It was like we never existed. But he was always like that - I was really just the person who supplied him with meals. And that's ok. He's happy and well adjusted and just very social.

He will play board games with me. And if I join HIM in his activities, he will gladly let me. But he doesn't join me. He's a teen now, but yes, he was like that as soon as he started school.

We have family time. And I will say no to kids sometimes. There's a healthy balance. But them wanting to be with pals is as you say - healthy.

He's 6 - not 16.
You've still got a lot of control if you want to have it.
You don't ask if he wants to do something with you - you inform him of what you and he will be doing - or you surprise him.

I would have been really concerned had my six year old son wanted to hang out with me as opposed to his friends. I can still remember being a child. I loved my parents, but I certainly would rather spend time playing with other kids. Bonding with parents happens during the "in between" times. Conversations at the dinner table, driving in the car or walking together to school and during bed time routines. Getting to know his friends is also very important, so hosting playdate and outings, carpooling to sports and after school activities and helping out at school is great.

Yeah...and when they're 17 and driving and spending all their time away with friends, you'll miss those days when he was 6. And then they move out. It's so difficult, but if he's happy and healthy and well-adjusted (and it sounds like he is), you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. It's our burden as parents, isn't it? If we do our jobs well, we lose our babies. But we gain independent adult children. It's tough...one of the toughest things about parenting.

As far as conversation goes, instead of asking "how was your day?", I ask "what made you laugh today?" "who did you eat lunch with today?" "what was the best thing that happened today?" and "what was the worst thing that happened today?". Specific questions. Sometimes it's "pizza for lunch was pretty good" or "the stall had no toilet paper so my friend had to pass me some from the next stall and it was SO EMBARRASSING". Other times, something REALLY great or downright tragic happened and they tell me all about it. "Max asked me out. I really like him. I'm so happy! Can he come over tomorrow after school to meet you?" - THAT was a nice day for her (and yeah, 8 months later they're still going out). "I failed my geometry test. No matter how much I try, I just don't understand it"...THAT led to a very good conversation about time management, efficient ways of studying and the need for possible tutoring. Much more effective than "how was your day?", right?

Oh my goodness, is this why you won't let him go to sleepovers? Holy! Let go already. You don't have children to fill your needs. You are asking do we think it is reasonable to basically punish your child into being your friend more, that is quite disturbing.

Let him hang out with his friends!

Per your edit, you said take away his iPad that he talks to his friends with so he is forced to socialize with you! That is disturbingly clingy.

I don't think your little man is gone for good yet! My 7 year old son is still very affectionate and close with me. He wants to do "just you and me things" often and I have a hard time finding the time! I was fortunate to stay home during toddler years and Im a single parent of three now, so he may be more used to contact with me, and yet very little one-on-one time since he has siblings..but by nature he's craving more friend time and independent time too-and I rarely set up play dates because we're all so busy after school.. All kids all ages will want to get on the iPad too much if able. I'm about to take ours away from my kids for the third and last time because when it's available our family sucks. As soon as it's put away, everyone is drawing and talking and playing games together once again.

Don't feel bad to ban the iPad sometimes during the week-sure! Just from this post it sounds like you let him call the shots a lot (that's OK) about having friends play and whatnot. I'm always saying no to things just because I can't navigate the friends schedule-wise, so I have a different outlook..it's OK to say no. If you leave it up to him, and then feel rejected when he chooses friend time or iPad time over time with you, that's not a productive scenario. Proactively arrange your one-on-one time with him, and also his friend time and iPad time separately. He's only 6. You ARE in charge. When you want to have movie night, pick the movie and bust out the popcorn and have movie night. "Tonight's movie night, hun, yay!!" It's not like you'd be forcing him to do that all the time. Balance. Do this while you can, because you're right, the time is fleeting.

Sometimes when I've been too busy to spend time with kids in a meaningful way, I'll swoop in on them right after school and serve snacks, and set up a game of cards or activity for us and we do it. I also take each one out for their own special day whenever their dad is in town visiting to watch the other two. Other times they ask to do friends stuff, other times I need a break and let them watch tv or whatever if they've finished their responsibilities. But I never ask if they feel like hanging out with me and wait to see what they say. They're 9, 7 and 6 and all want to spend as much time with me as they can so far, all very affectionate and needy (in a good way) of my attention. So have no fear, he's not "too old for you" yet!!

Your son has accomplished a milestone in his life. He is fine. Mom needs to find a few new hobbies or crafts of her own to do. Have your own interests other than your child's.

Your child will always need you but in different was as they grow up. Right now he is trying to find his own identity from you. He still loves you and needs you but in a different way. Just as you think you have it all figured out, they will change and go in a new direction and learning as they go. There will be spills just like when he learned how to walk and you were there but now you have to stand back a bit and watch and cheer from the sideline. What he needs now is a parent and not a friend. You guide and advise. He learns from his mistakes. When he is grown you two can be good friends.

As I say my life is my children but my children are not my life -- they are a big part of my life but not my whole. They are both grown and gone but call for advice and for recipes.

Know that you have a self-sufficient citizen of the world who will do wonderful things all because you were there to guide him in the right directions. He will thank you one day and it maybe on his wedding day as mine did.

Enjoy the photos and see how much he has grown and how much he has learned and be happy. Don't mourn the loss of the babyhood celebrate his next steps in life as part of the journey to an adult.

the other S.

If this helps my babies are thirty and twenty five. I will never stop missing my 'babies' and if someone doesn't like that they can go into therapy and try to figure out why they are so concerned about me missing that precious part of their (and my) lives. I do see people who can't wait to kick their children out the door -and am not saying that is right or wrong.We simply have a different emotional 'make-up'. I have been sitting in the car, look out at a child in a baby seat and burst into tears. I cannot believe that there aren't millions of women out there who wouldn't gladly trade one day of middle school, or high school, or the years I angst over a son in the Navy for one more moment of being with my baby.Just one moment.

CS

I've sat on this waiting to answer because I was trying to go back to when my boys were 6 and how I would feel. Then I realized this wouldn't be me or my family. My kids were NOT allowed electronics like that at age 6. Sorry.

Technology can be a great thing and it can be a bad thing. In this instance? It's being a bad thing. It's great that he's ASKING FIRST but it's STILL taking him away from FAMILY TIME.

I get from your post that you are a single mom and his dad isn't in the picture? If he sees is dad - what are the rules at his house?

I get missing one-on-one times. With my boys hectic schedules with soccer, JROTC, LAX and after school clubs?? I don't get the time I want either....start making dates with him!! Mommy & Me time...no electronics...just the two of you.

Anyone who would jump to saying you are banning him from hanging out with friends would not be reading anything you said. So don't just assume someone would think that.

You do NOT have to say "of course! do you want to invite so and so too?" to your son. You can ALSO say, "Not this time. You and I are going to have a movie night on our own." And you don't ASK. You TELL. You are still his mother. You still direct him in many, many ways, just in a bit of a different way than when he was a toddler. You've been doing play dates to help him learn socialization skills. He's doing well with that as a 6 year old. But he doesn't have to have it all the time. Friends and socialization is just part of what you teach. If you're never alone with him, you can't teach him a lot of other things that he needs to learn. "Teachable moments" are what you will need to employ more and more. And it's hard to do that if he's always engaged with something, whether it's friends, ipads, TV, etc.

You have done nothing wrong. This is the way lots of little boys are at this age. You CAN still bond with him, but it's a different kind of bonding. It's one that takes into account his development. No matter what, don't forget that you still have to say "no" to him. You can't let him run your household. He needs your firm guidance.

He shouldn't have the ipad everyday, IMO. He needs to be doing hands-on projects that work his spatial skills, like Legos, train track building (like Thomas the Tank Engine), Knex. Puzzles are EXCELLENT. Reading books - REAL books. He needs large muscle movement like softball, soccer, swimming.

All this takes time. But it's good for him and helps him move from stage to stage. And he will come back to you as "the little boy" as he works through these new steps of development.

They go through phases...my son will pull away and be so independent...then suddenly for a short time want me around a lot again...then only to revert to independent self.

So when those bursts of I need you mom happen savor them.

I see it as the longer big picture of when they were toddlers and they would venture away only to come quickly back or look back to check and see if you were still there.

I don't understand all the electronics bashing. Let him use it a while if you want. (set a timer). When my son was in second grade it got to be where I banned all electronics during the week. He would race through homework and we would fight over it because he wanted to get to the TV. So, I just cut it off on school nights.

I was in Target yesterday and was looking at all the cute baby stuff out for Christmas. It was making me nostalgic for those littler days. My son is now 11 and my daughter 8...they are growing up. I should go look through some pictures and make myself sniffly to remember the little years.

Big hugs mama!!

oh CS,

i feel you gurl!! but your post demostrates exactly that you are doing a great job of raising an indpendent, secure boy who knows his mind and knows you are there for him unconditionally. my suggestion is to schedule a mommy/son recurring activity once a week or once every two weeks. it could be the same thing....take him to his favorite restaurant just the two of you, or a walk at the mall just the two of you...something that excludes electronics and gives you face time with him. Tell him you are proud of how he's growing up and that you want to share in his life too. He'll understand this from his 6 year old perspective. as long as you're not making this about you but about the two of you together the adventures could be fun. mine's really embracing his teenager chapter (14) and believe me, i've been "telescoping" with him a lot lately. you know when you look at him and all you can see is him at 2 and 3 etc....

you are in excellent company. try to embrace every chapter and pat yourself on the back for a continued job well done. i wish i had such great insight in the moment. :-) S.

I sure hope no one would bash you for this post. (But I'm like you, I've come to expect it).

I just wanted to say that you are SO not crazy. Mine is 9 and he has been pulling away for awhile now, and I just had one of these "He's practically grown!!" moments myself. He's always been affectionate and in many ways it's the two of us against the world, so the fact that he's becoming a young man is very bittersweet. So, I get it.

Do you guys do mommy-and-me dates? I would highly suggest it. Even if it's just ice cream and a walk to the park.

Another thought, maybe no ipad until after dinner/chores/shower/homework every night. As a 6 year old he may not have much/any homework right now, but that will change. Then he's already in the habit of not asking for it till later. The constant asking would bug me too.

In general, I find the more one-on-one time I spend with my son (last night he helped plan, cook, and clean up dinner), the more I appreciate who he is and who he has become, rather than missing who he was.

Good luck!