If Both of You Work Full Time, Does He Give You a Break and Take Kids Sometimes?

You shouldn't have to ask him to "watch the kids", they are his kids. Does he ask you to "watch the kids" when he goes to happy hour or the like? Just tell him you are going and he has the children for a while. You both created these kids and you are both just as responsible for their care.

"Honey, I'm going shopping this afternoon. Would 1-3 be good, or would you rather I go from 2-4?"

Of course he seems annoyed, it's not something he usually does. He may even be worried he won't do a good job. Don't look at his expression and worry. Be positive and carry on! Each time you do this, he build skills, confidence and a sense of sharing the upbringing of your children. And don't return and ask him how things went or thank him for being with his own kids. Do return with a happy face and a story about what you saw or did.

The problem is in the way you both see the time at home. You see it as "he needs to give me a break" and he isn't interested - which means you both see childcare and housework as mostly your job.

My husband and I didn't see child care as the woman's job from which maybe she's entitled to an occasional break. We viewed it as 50/50. He didn't see it as a nice thing to do for ME to take care of child & home. I didn't see it as "asking" to go out, but more the two of us scheduling what we were doing separately and together.

The best thing for you to do, assuming that talking to him and sharing your feelings has fallen on deaf ears, is to go away for a full weekend with your parents (so they are not available for childcare). Or go with a girlfriend or even by yourself, but get your parents and the nanny to agree to be busy and unavailable for child care. Do not pre-cook meals, pre-wash laundry, or give him a list of where things are or what the kids eat. Don't take your cell phone. Go to a reunion, a hotel, a spa, or to a campground with no cell service. Force him to manage. Do not call to see how things are. Really - if there were an emergency, your parents would contact you. But do not bail him out.

If that doesn't work, go to counseling, either together or at minimum for yourself to find out why you and he have such an unequal relationship.

Absolutely what Diane B said. I've been a SAHN and now work full-time. This isn't about your work status. It's about both of you spending time with kids, dong housework, spending time as a family, having couple time and having alone time or social time outside of the family. We all need a balance in life.

I think some people are better at taking care of their own needs. It's very common for women to take care of everyone else first and wait for our husbands to offer to give us a night off. You need to change the way you talk to him. Say things like, "I've got plans Saturday afternoon, so you'll need to take the kids from 11 to 4," or "I've got dinner taken care of tonight, but the laindry's backing up. Can you catch up on that while I put the kids to bed.

He needs to be a husband and a parent. Remind him that you are more than just a housekeeper and a nanny.

Huh? You don't have to ask him for permission. Tell him that you're going out and then do it. Everyone needs "me" time so when will you have yours?

This is a bigger issue usually than just kids.

Did he treat you like an equal ever or is it just that he finds children daunting?

If he expects you to do it all, and you have been - then it's a really hard thing to change.

My husband and I approach housework and kids as a couple - always have, so I have a hard time relating to this. But I've had quite a few friends experience this.

I hate to say it - but one of my friends divorced her husband over this. After ten years of putting up with it. He never changed. But he had it it super easy.

I think my suggestion would be - stop doing it. Just go. I like the advice below.

He's never going to be ok with it - so you can let this affect you (stop you from having the me-time you need to recharge) - or not.

That's his problem - really. It doesn't have to be your problem. You can ignore it. I would.

I am a stay at home mother, my husband works full time, we don't hire any help for cleaning or babysitting and my husband absolutely helps on a regular basis with the kids and gives me a break when I need one. There is no excuse for your husband's attitude! They are his kids as well and he needs to step up and care for them. And no, it's not called "babysitting" when the husband does it, it's called taking care of his children just like when you do it. I would have chewed him out a long time ago if he were my husband and did had that attitude with me!

I'd really like to hear both sides of the story.

You both sound really busy to be parents. VERY focused on yourselves instead of your kids. He's NOT a babysitter and neither are you. You are PARENTS!! You should be spending time with your kids, not asking who can "babysit" - these are your flesh and blood!!

Can you find a job closer to home? A 2 hour commute sucks. I wouldn't want it for myself. Is money your main goal??

I've been married 19 years this October. It's a balancing act. Give and take. Our kids are NEVER an imposition for us. If I need to go get a mani/pedi? I ask him what his schedule is like and then we talk about what I want/need and what he wants/needs.

What's the point of having a nanny if you cook and clean? Why not hire a service to come out and clean your home, etc? If you're in NYC - there isn't anything they don't have.

Sounds like you both need to sit down and reconfigure your priorities and figure out what is most important to the two of you. Get a schedule in place and start being a family instead of whatever you are now.

He needs to step up and be there for the kids. Are his friends more important to him than his own kids?? what gives here? I don't get it. I really don't.

ETA: Sorry, I didn't really answer your question. My husband travels about 3 weeks a month, often internationally. Right now, he's heading home from a weeklong trip to Milan and London. He's all over the map….Asia, South and Central America, Europe, Australia, and when he's not off the continent, he's at his home office back east. When he's not back east, he's at his local office or home office. So, the logistics of our lives dictate that I handle most of the childcare stuff. However, when he is home and when his schedule allows, he does pick up from sports practices and spends alone time with our son (all of the other kids are now grown, graduated from college, and live on their own). He has always done whatever he could when he was home, and when I needed to shop or get things done, he never complained about being alone with the children. So, with a schedule like that, if he can happily spend time with his children, I think your husband can do so as well. You both just need to talk about this.

ORIGINAL:

When you have lives and careers as busy as yours, something's gotta give. If your husband feels like it is beyond him to spend quality time alone with his children (dad's don't "watch" their own kids….babysitters and nannies watch children), then you need to set aside some of your combined salaries to pay the nanny to come more frequently so you can have some of your own adult time. Look at it this way….why work so hard and be away from home so many hours if you can't spend that money to make your life easier and more pleasurable? What's the point?

Beyond that, you and your husband will hopefully talk at some point when you're both not annoyed and come to some understanding about how you spend time with your children. Your kids are very young right now, and the time squeeze is only going to get more pronounced as they start school, sports, activities, etc. Get on the same page now before the really busy child-rearing years start.

I'd like to pose a question for you to think about: why don't you and your husband consider yourselves as a team in all aspects of life? I suspect this goes far beyond childcare.

You don't say if he gets an hour or so on weekends to go do what he wants. If you're not home till 7:00, the happy hours aren't really you giving him time and it gets nit picky to talk about lunches. He is contributing as much as you are financially. So why not suggest one day of the weekend you take two hours and the other day he does? I'm sure he wants a break on weekends from his "easy" job too. My job is "easier" than my husband's too but it's still work and I still would like a little time on weekends. I make as much or more as my husband so I think it's fair. A lunch out at work isn't the same as lying on the couch at home reading or getting a pedicure or going to the gym. If your husband objects to equal time on weekends, that's ridiculous and just take your time off and don't worry about what he says. Women are programmed to be pleasers. Pretty sure my husband doesn't feel guilty when he has a long workout. He says he needs it. And he has a harder
job but I've always done way more with the kids and around the house. But he takes care of himself. Men don't worry like we do. So start acting like him a little more.

Don't you guys like family time together with the kids?
It seems like you both want to go do your own thing.
You can go do your own thing when the nanny comes if you also hire a maid to cover some of the clean up, cooking and laundry.

Don't ask him, just go, that's ridiculous, they are his kids too, he needs to man up and be a father. Even as a stay at home mom I made sure to take time for myself at least a few times a week.

Sorry, I wish I had your life...hire a babysitter and go do what you want.

To me, it sounds as though you and your husband have more than enough money, but not enough love. Your job is stressful, your commute is really long, and your hours are detrimental to family time. Your kids aren't even in school yet, and when they are, there will be school events, extracurricular activities, and parent-teacher conferences.

The break that I think you need is from a high stress job that keeps you from being home at dinner time and focused on salaries. The break that your husband needs is from happy hours and going out for lunch and resenting his family.

If you do intend to keep your job, at least hire a housekeeper so that clean up doesn't take up your valuable time. Hire a chef. Enjoy your children TOGETHER as a family.

I hope that you and your husband can talk about this, and appreciate your blessings and your family and your home life.

He sounds like a spoiled child.

We cannot fix your husband so I will not give any advice in that direction. Can you get your nails done once a month during a lunch hour? Can you get shopping done at your lunch hour of after work? Again, since I cannot change your husband, I am just offering other suggestions.

My ex husband and I worked full time and made good money. We had both kids in childcare until they started school. My mom was good to watch the kids on weekends when we needed a break or vacation because that was usually the only time she got them.

Maybe hire daycare for the kids during the week to free up your parents so they are available and more willing to watch them on the weekends so you can get some free time.

Or pay for a babysitter yourself when you need a break. It sounds like you make enough money to do that.

Sadly, most men's priority is not babysitting their own kids. So make other arrangements when you can. JMO. Good luck.