In Laws

There is a war going on with who is the best grandparents, and who can beat out the other. Let them know that there will no longer be gifts from either of them til they can come up with something other than the same gift the other gives and act more like grown grandparents rather then competitors over the baby that they both love. Hopefully this will wear out with the age of the child I hope! Good luck.

I know lieing isnt the best thing well its wrong. But I would totally tell her something else insted of saying she got a bike I would tell her oh he would love a tent or say she got a tent that way the boy wont have two of the same thing. actually try telling her the boy only has one body he can only use one bike at a time. he would love to have .... whatever it is that you think he would like. she seems not to know what to get and is just being weird. Good luck. remember sounds like she wants to be the favorite and not to be out done.

I'd stop telling them what anyone is getting him..... that should solve the problem. When she asks just say you don't know. Sounds like she has some dominance issues so if i were you i'd start taking away whatever avenues you have given her to exert that dominance.

Hi B.,

This is an easy one. Don't tell you in-laws what your mom has already purchased or intends to purchase. Simply tell them what you or your son would like. That way your son gets something he wants and it is not an intentional duplicate. You don't have to lie and tell them you don't know, simply say "Well, I'll tell you what I know he love for you to get him."

I absolutely understand about jealous grandparents. My in-laws get jealous of the time my husband and I spend with our own son.

Evelyn

Me & my son's ex wife's mother are best friends. I know reality though. I've been married too many times. I have had good MIL's & bad MIL's.

I think this woman wants YOUR attention & friendship. Your mother is a threat to that. Fight fire with love. Plan an afternoon for just you & your MIL. Go shopping or something. Along the way (come to tears - it helps) tell her how much you love her. Someway... Tell her that you have room in your life & heart for 2 mothers and that is how you see her. As another mother and that you hope she sees you as a daughter. Tell her she's not in competition with your mother someway, somehow. I think she just wants your love & doesn't know how to be a MIL yet. Teach her how. With love.

Don't be a hot head like me & type her a 3 page letter telling her off! Sent a resume with refernce letters to since she always questioned my career & $ making abilities.

I'm older now & am a MIL. I learned how to be a good one & know what a bad MIL is like. I think love & prayer is the answer.

The truth is only 2 ladies can love one man as much as the other. His mother and his wife. There needs to be some love between those two or life can be crazy. I know. I've been there.

B.

It does sound like there is a problem. They are acting like spoiled jealous selfish children. Don't tell the inlaws what your parents got anymore. And your husband needs some sense knocked into him. It seems like he is ignoring the fact that his mommy and daddy dearest are purposely sabataging your parents' gifts. On a brighter note, your son can have two sets of gifts, one to keep at the inlaws to play with there and the other to play with at your parents' house.

Been there done that is all I have to say!!! It is the worst because your huspand doesn't believe it at all....for some reason they can't see it. It would hurt my moms feelings and I hated that. I had to see from both sides...when my MIL asks what someone got my girls I just say oh clothes and toys....what they really need is.....and then tell her. This way you have somewhat of a say so but she thinks that she is getting what they really want which truthfully is just something to keep her from bugging and out of my hair :-) Good luck!!!!!

B., I am a mother-in-law and I see a BIG problem with
yours. She appears to be very insecure but worse, spiteful.
I think your husband either doesn't want to deal with her
or he doesn't know how - but he just needs to "man-up" and talk to his mother. In the meantime, you may not want to share what your mother is getting Ethan and just say you don't know. That may force her to select her own gifts instead of duplicating everything your mom buys. Good luck!

I read the other ladies responses and I am going to suggest something different. When your mil asks what your parents got them. Say, you know, idk... Mom and I haven't discussed it. Yes it is a lie, however sometimes they are necessary. This way you can see if they think that much alike or you mil was just trying to one up your folks.

Don't be angry with you husband b/c of your mil's behavior. He can't control her. He could speak to her, but he can't control her.

I don't like my mil too much either. She has never tried what yours does, she is just non existant. Which may be even worse.

Good Luck!

I think you have been given some good advice already. I do agree with the part about not feeding your MIL information. You know what she is doing, so when she asks, just say you are not sure. I like the idea of lists of what your child might need, but that is also touchy. I tried this with my dd and got nowhere. The IL's (all of them) bought her exactly what they wanted and that is fine. Just don't put forth the effort, stop the information train and learn to say, NO and things like "I am sorry that won't work for us." Set up boundaries and let your husband deal with his family, otherwise you will go insane.

I suggest you not let it bother you. Grandparents should spoil their grandkids and it's not going to hurt anything to have more than one kind of item. My in-laws would buy my kids the ugliest clothes at the flea market from the mexican vendors because they thought I liked it since my family was from Mexico. Well, the clothes was ugly and I put it on my kids for nonimportant days and would take pics of them in it, and send them. Besides you and your husband, the grandparents are probably the people who love your son the most! Use them to your advantage, let them know what you really want, like my parents always bought the baby pools and and water toys for my kids. And my husband's family always bought the candy and prizes for birthday gift bags. Start traditions with them. It will make them feel useful. Good luck and don't fight with your husband about his mother. He loves her too, just like you love your mom.

B.,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I really do not have any advice except that I have been through a very similar experience with my child. My marriage did end up in divorce, and let's just say there is nothing amicable about it as this is a very psychologiclly twisted situation. It could be that his parents, whether you realized it or not, do not have any self confidence to pick something unique unto themselves for your child. I do not know if there is really anything you can do to "stop" this behavior. Maybe getting some counseling for yourself in how to deal with this type of occult behavior would be good. It sounds as though your husband does not see there is anything wrong with this either and in and of this perpetuates the problem. Remember, getting counseling for yourself will make you a stronger individual. If you feel in your heart that you are confused and it does not make sense, it is because there is something wrong....A great friend once told me...go with your heart.

Best wishes,

B.,

If I were you, I'd let it go! Think about it....does it really matter if he has 2 shirts, or 2 bikes, or 2 anything? At the end of the day, it makes no difference why they are doing this, all that really matters is peace. And since what they are doing is annoying, and not damaging, just let it be girl!! It's not hurting anyone but your nerves!

Good luck to you!

Okay, this may end up being long winded, but I know where you are coming from. I too have a Mother in Law from hell. When I was pregnant with my daughter, She devoted a whole room in her house to her. She would invite me over and show me the nursery she was decorating, the closet full of beautiful clothes, and all of the little baby accessories too. After each showcasing she would say, "now these are what she will wear when she comes to visit me, so they'll stay here." She even went and bought one of those really expensive slings. You know the ones that are super comfortable and can hold a baby in four different positions. She has that thing shoved in her closet where I am not allowed to get it while I'm lugging my baby around in the cheep one that was all I could afford at Target. Drove me nuts. In the past 4 years of dealing with my Mother in Law, I have made several mistakes. I have said stuff that I wish I could take back. About a year ago we got into a huge fight, after which I told my husband that he had to be the one to deal with her because I just couldn't anymore. It's hard when your husband doesn't understand your frustration. It can drive a wedge between you. In the Bible it says that when a man marries and woman he leaves his mother and father and clings to his wife. He is supposed to be on your side.
As for the gifts. If your husband doesn't understand what the big deal is, I suggest talking to your mother in law. Be nice but play dumb,like you don't know what she is up to.
Say something like,"Wow, that was a really nice bike, but I don't know what we are going to do with two of them. Maybe he can keep this one at your house so he can ride when he comes to visit you. And in the future, I can sit down and make a list of things that he might want so that we don't accidentally get double gifts. I would hate for you to have to waste your money."
Try to be nice, but firm at the same time. And choose your battles. You have to figure out what is a big deal and what you can over look or you are going to be butting heads over every thing.
Good Luck!
K.

Hello B.,

I feel for you and do understand your frustrations. I actually have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in law in fact, I've never had a problem with my in-laws it is a blessing. With me I have a worse relationship with my own mother than my mother in-law, how's that for a twist? We deal with my parents also taking care of and putting all of their efforts into their other two grandchildren on a daily basis because they happen to live in the same town as them unlike us. We don't get phone calls unless there's a problem, no mail, nothing but guilt trips because we aren't living in the same town as them even though we tried for 6 months and practically starved so we moved for work. I have tried the balancing with both of my mom's. And they actually get along, I have learned thru the years (18yrs now) to keep MY relationship with each of them seperate however. They are two completely different personalities, one is easy going and is happy staying at home, the other is a workaholic and tends to be jealous or seems to not be happy unless there's conflict going on. I think the point is that they are good to the children. See you have two grammas who adore your little one and are available for them and make themselves available. We don't have that, none of our parent's live by us, at times its good, at times its hard. I would suggest perhaps, if asked about what to get your little one, be selective. I have found that I have to think about the person asking. I keep the choices short and sweet. If I mention to my sister that our son want's a Buzz Lightyear talking toy or he likes playdough, when gramma ask's I suggest something else that I didn't mention to my sister. It has proved to work well and has really make the double gift thing a thing of the past. I for one hate returning thing's because the giver puts so much effort into thinking about the gift when they offer it too someone. If there's is a "double" gift thing, I'll get my son something really neato and someone else matches it, we just roll with it. What else can you do? I have also been honest and when someone ask's should I get yadayada and I know 100% someone else is getting it for him, I'm honest with them that either he has it already or so and so already purchased it. But only if they ask. And there's nothing wrong with for instance the shirt you mention..how is gramma 1 going to know that that same shirt her grandchild is wearing isn't the one she purchased but actually the one gramma 2 purchased if its identical anyway? Like apeasing a child, if you have two kids one candy bar, you teach them to share and split the candybar, its sorta like that with battling grammas..let them share the child, if the shirt look's like the one they purchased let them think its the shirt they purchased. Mind over matter. We have also left duplicate toys at grammas so the little one will have something to play with while visiting..Just say it would be easier if we kept it here so "jason" or "emily" can play with it here when visiting. Makes for alot of happy campers. Another suggestion would be I think is to suggest the two grammas get together (as mine have thru the years) so they can hown their own relationship. They have a common ground too..that is you and now their grandchild. Just as you have a common ground with your mother in-law..your husband and your child. Choose your battles, remember God and marriage come first not in-laws then God then marriage..You have your family now, grammas are great, in-laws can be wonderful, however they don't live with you and make your daily decisions, you do. I think what has made thing's good for me with my in-laws, I was blessed enough that they accepted me from the beginning and I them. We all love "our man" and he loves all of us. I have two mothers, my mama and my mom..My mama is my mama, my mom is more of a girl friend/mom, I love them both and I know they both do love me and my two guy's in the end no matter how hard it gets. Always try to encourage all grandparents and the kids to have a healthy relationship towards eachother, even if you don't have one with them yourself, unless circumstances make it clear grandparent's might be using your child emotionally, mentally or even against you..then you cut the line. Your child and you come first period. Hang in there kiddo..there is light in the end of the tunnel. Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi B.,,
just return the things she buys double of and get him something he needs ,,, if she says anything just tell her the truth ,thats really all you can do and maybe keep the peace
good luck L.

Well your MIL is a real piece of work! She's being extraordinarily rude. I think I would handle it this way...We she says "we wanted to" just smile & say "Oh good, now he has one to keep at grandma's (i.e. - her house), then leave it with her! Good luck!

Hi B.-

It's sounds like a difficult situation and it could be that she is simply a mean jealous person, but before you make that assumption and live the rest of your life feeling that way about your child's grandmother take a moment to really look at the situation from her point of view. I know this is hard, but put your own feelings out of the equation and really try to see things as she does. Could it be that when birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc come along your mom is always the one who gets to give Ethan the "cool gift" or the "big gift"? I assume this is Ethan's first bike? That's pretty momentous. Look back and think about the things that your mother has given him and see if it looks like you've always given your mother the "big ideas" for his gifts and she has been left with the basic everyday toys, books, clothes, etc. Also, does your mother get included in a lot of his "firsts" when she doesn't? When you really look at things if you see that perhaps she was feeling that you were leaving her out and that your mom was allowed to be involved in all the big moments of your child's life you could start to see why she is feeling the way she does. If so, try to alternate who gets the "big gift" for each occasion or try to think of two equally important gifts for each to give.

And if I'm way off base and she is just insecure then I guess take the advice of the other posters and don't tell her what your mother is getting for him.

Good Luck,
K.

B.,
I really do feel for you. I think you need to speak with your husband calmly about your feelings. I will get to my issues with my mom-in-law shortly, but know that we have been married 13 years. It took my husband 12 to understand what I was saying. He only "got it" when I stopped complaining and let him see it for himself. I had already said enough, as I'm sure you have too.... There are a couple of things, you don't have to tell her what your mom gets your son. It's really not rude to say, "I'm not sure what she's getting him". The big thing, though, is that you should be very grateful that she is even taking a part in his life. Here are the issues that I have with mine - she doesn't take an interest in us. She doesn't call, send birthday cards, etc. My niece and nephew have a hard life, so she expends her efforts on them. They get the birthday presents, weekly phone calls, weekends at her home, etc. We only get a phone call when something bad happens. After Christmas, my husband didn't call her. (I think he was wanting to see for himself.) They didn't call until Easter!!! And at that, it was my father-in-law - just wanting to make sure we were still alive:) I guess what I'm trying to say is, although it's hard, although she grates on your nerves (of course that's what most mom-in-laws do), please see that there are worse things.

Try this, next time your MIL ask what your child got, say something you want him to have,(that no one bought) , but pertend your parents got it. That way you will only have one. I think you could pull this off.

I have had issues with my in laws as well and I have learned that to try and figure out why they act the way they do is a waste of everyones time. Sometimes it's hard to deal with the things they do and the way they treat you or your child but I have found that if I love them despite it and if I pray for them despite it all it truly does help. There is nothing they can do to me, my husband, or my children anymore that bothers me. It seems, if they don't get a negative reaction they loose the feeling to act that way. It really is true to that you can treat them with kindness and things change. We don't have the best relationship with my husbands parents but we get along when we are together and I have peace with it and so does my husband. I hope this helps you.

Girl, I think your going to have to bite your toungue, because you know a son will always think their Mom's just doing it because she cares. (specially if they are a Mommas boy like mine) I think your mother in law is just jealous. I have had issues with my Mother -in -law as well but it just leads to more issues when I address it to my husband he starts saying I am over-reacting. I have a son who is 2 as well. I think it will get better in time if you act like it don't bither you. Bigger people always WINS.
S.

It would appear that your MIL knows exactly which of your buttons to push. No doubt she feels the tension between the two of you, and is effectively getting your goat. She knows you are sensitive to her behaviors and she's using that to her advantage.

Remember: it takes two to fight. She can only get on your nerves if you let her. You have control over your emotions - not her. If you were to suddenly stop reacting to her, she'd look foolish, petty, and would eventually figure it out and be embarassed for herself.

Just be thankful that: 1) she's spoils your baby 2) she's not your mom and 3) that you don't live with her! Chant these things over and over in your mind as you smile at her, graciously accept her gifts, and walk away!

One of you is going to have to put on her "big girl panties" and be the bigger person or you'll spend the rest of your married life (which probably won't be as long if this keeps up) bickering back and forth.

I say let both grandparents spoil him. It is their money they are spending and if they choose to double up on items he already has then what is it hurting? Just smile and say thank you. It is not your fault they are not creative enough to come up with their own gifts for him. Be flattered that they are imitating your parents....."Imitation is the best proof of flattery". They must really like your parents and they want to show their love for your baby in the same way. Be open to receptive to their love. Let your baby be loved. He is lucky to have two sets of grandparents. I would not take it personally as an attack on you. I don't think that is what they are doing.

I too have problems. My husband doesn't want to be "put in the middle" or really bothered with it in any way. What works for me is to stand up to her. However, I have my husband's "blessing" so long as he doesn't have to be bothered by it.

For the longest time I never stood up for myself and the situation just got worse and worse. You can stand up for yourself without being rude or "petty." Just state your beliefs and wishes and leave it at that. If she tries to argue just say you don't agree.

This is YOUR child, not hers.

On the duplicate gifts, next time she does it just say,
"I'm sorry, but 'Child' already has a bike. We can leave it at your house for when he comes to visit or I will donate it to charity." As far as duplicate clothes, I wouldn't make an issue out of it, sometimes duplicate clothes are a blessing when a child ruins a favorite.

Just stand firm and state what is going to happen, do not engage in arguments. She will soon start respecting your wishes when she knows you mean business.

First of all I would not let your mother in law come between you and your husband where you are contemplating divorce! Let it go! I know that it is hard when she behaves that way, but you can't change her and it is not your husband's fault. My MIL has her "ways" also but my husband and I separated for the first time ever in 11 years for two months because of "her" and it was miserable! I will never let her be the cause of another arguement in our relationship! You shouldn't either! The only one that will suffer will be you and your baby! Love each other through it! Good luck and God bless!

I don't think it's too big a deal. So he has two of everything, big deal. If one breaks, you won't have to buy another one. I don't think it's that big of an issue, though it may be annoying, to get all bent out of shape. She could be doing much worse things. Some people are just like that and she happens to be your husbands mom. Try not to let it come between you and your husband again. That would be tragic.