My daughter was married 4 years ago at age 22. We sat down together and made a list of what needed to be done. I told her I would help with the tasks she wanted me help with. I felt that this was her wedding and it wasn't my role to make sure it came off perfectly. From experience I knew that if I offer suggestions that she uses then I get the blame for anything that goes wrong.
If I were you I wouldn't even have a back up plan unless your daughter wants to make it with you. As so many people said, "it's her wedding."
It's the officially recognized beginning of adulthood." The wedding is her responsibility with you there to provide the assistance when she asks for it. Have a quiet talk with her telling her you're feeling anxious about unmade plans but that you realize the responsibility is hers. Tell her you're willing to help but only with specific requests. You're no longer going to be anxious about what is or isn't done. And then LET GO.
If you're paying for the wedding you may need to be involved when the cost of services is discussed. Or you can tell her how much you're able to pay and stay out of that part too.
You have your hands full with taking care of your grandkids. And those cats. If I were you I'd ask their owner to find a place for them. Taking care of pets takes time and money too.
I suspect that you need some help learning to be assertive. I have taken classes and read books that have helped me to state what I want and have the other person to agree with me. Not always to they honor my boundary and I have to repeat it. In the end it's worth it when you've been consistent. You've taught the other person how to treat you. And you stop feeling so guilty when you're not able to do what you think you should do in order to be a nice person. Nice people are also assertive. And they leave the responsibilities to the person who benefits from taking charge. You are not in charge of the wedding. That is an assumption. If you've agreed to be in charge then you remind yourself and your daughter that she needs to make the additional arrangement because she knows what she wants. The in charge person tells everyone else what to do. That is difficult when it's a mother/daughter relationship. You might want to tell your daughter that you're turning everything over to her;that she's in charge; not you. Then help in ways that she asks and you're able. The success or failure of the wedding depends on her. YOu don't need to have a back up plan for her.
I did order the flowers which her father picked up. She and I went together to a couple of hotels and she decided on where and what services to have. She went with her father to order the cake which she picked up. We did all of that in a couple of weeks.
She did purchase her dress 2-3 months ahead of time. It was a full length white dress with vale and the men in the part wore tuxes. Her finace made those arrangements after I chose the store and decided what I could afford. And then made other plans as she went along. Her finace' chose the minister. They decided how the service would be performed when they went to the site the day before the ceremony.
She chose the music from a CD the day before. She had no live musicians, not even a pianist.
The wedding was small with 25 guests not including parents and the Maid of Honor, Best Man or minister. She had her daughter be the flower girl. She was 3 and a cousin was the ring bearer. He was also a preschooler. My daughter arranged for her usual babysitter to watch the kids before, during and after the ceremony. The baby sitter also guided the kids to where they should stand.
Another convenience to use a hotel is that her finace' rented a room which we used for changing clothes and the babysitter used for watching the kids and then the bride and groom switched to a different room after the reception for their honeymoon. The reception was in the same room as the wedding and the hotel provided the appetizers and wine as well as doing all the decorating except for the flowers.
My daughter and I did this in 2-3 weeks by walking thru the process together and doing something everyday. I did accept main responsibility for follow thru after she made the decisions. I went with her when she chose things so that I would know how to follow thru.
Unless you're have a large formal wedding You don't need to be anxious about how it'll turn out. You can always rent a meeting room at a hotel and if they have a restaurant the can provide food. A minister may be more difficult to find. But one judge or another can usually work your time into his schedule. If you haven't made arrangements early enough you may have to go to several judges offices.
I just reread your message. All you have left to do is planning the ceremony and all that entails which includes who walks down the aisle, the unity candle, music, and vows. Your daughter has plenty of time to do these. Once you have a venue(s) and a minister/judge everything else will fall into place.
I'd recommend having the reception in the same location as the ceremony. If they don't get their vows written there are the traditional vows that anyone who marries couples will know. If they use a church the church will have musicians who can provide either what your daughter and finace' have decided but if they haven't decided on anyone the church musicians will also have a list to chose from.
I wonder about "who walks down the aisle." I'm thinking that your daughter and fiance'have their attendants chosen if you've arranged for dress and tuxes. But if she doesn't have attendants picked and is wanting several she is behind in that area. She'll have to find ones who are available on her date and willing to be involved.
Good Luck, Marie My final word is you are not responsible for how this wedding turns out if you tell your daughter that you'll help only when asked and then only if you can do it considering your other responsibilities.
LET GO AND RELAX