Inlaws Arent Interested in Our Baby

Your husband is also your girls' other parent since he has married you. Even though especially for your 21 yr old they may not have a father daughter relationship, he is her step-father and from what you described, their only father.

Your husband should tell his parents that both him and you want to be with your three kids on Christmas. You would love to visit them as well but will not exclude any of your kids to do so...that is not negotiable. If your older girls are welcome (and treated as such) you can all visit as a family unit. If not, you will need to make other arrangements.

He should also tell his sister that he is married and does not have any interest in contacting his ex (assuming they do not have children together that would require contact). Sounds like he should also tell his sister that you are his wife and while she doesn't have to like you, she does need to show you respect.

As for the visits, the two of you should let her know that an occasional "meet me at the auction" may be ok, you wish to have some visits in your home or theirs. Tell them you want to have a relationship with them and want your daughter to as well. Beware, not all parents are "family oriented" so this may never change and you shouldn't take it personally.

If our kids aren't invited somewhere...WE DON"T GO!

If your husband is even entertaining the idea of leaving his step-children at home alone FOR A FAMILY CHRISTMAS GATHERING, you guys should look into counseling. He needs to stand up and tell his family that he has THREE children and if his whole family is not invited, nobody will be coming!

Your older kids aren't invited, and you are their only parent? What do they expect you to do, leave them alone on Christmas? I'm sorry, but that's just not right. Your hubby should tell his parents he is spending Christmas with you and the kids.

As I'm reading through your post I was thinking I don't really have any advice other than to just stop trying to make them get involved and see if they come around. Your DH should be the one to deal with his parents.

When I saw the last part of your post about your kids not being invited my jaw actually hit the floor! Are you kidding me??? That alone would make me NOT want to go anyday. Period.

Your kids aren't negotiable.

Your DH should have your back on this one.

Best of luck!

Complicated situation BUT in my opinion it's made easier by the fact that you state your daughter's "aren't invited"....there's your answer, kids come first!

I wouldn't even be entertaining any serious thoughts about 'their feelings' if they are not polite enough to invite my children? That IS a no-brainer in my book too.

Especially during the holidays!

DEALBREAKER...If my son isn't invited, I don't go. Period.

How would your husband feel if you, he, and your oldest 2 were invited for xmas but NOT the baby? Seriously... it's just wrong.

Oh NO! She'd have an ear problem from me if she told me my children weren't invited. Kids should never be put on the backburner or abused etc. just because they are step children or grandchildren. You need to set her sister straight or talk with your husband, I hope he is standing up for you and telling his sister a thing or two about the ex message passing and her saying shed likes to pretend u didn't exist. Is you husband standing up for you and ALL your children? Are you? I don't know any other way then setting them straight and being aggressive (not violent or anything just aggressive, getting your point across) or cutting them out more or something.

If your entire family isn't invited DON'T GO. I am a stepparent, and if my parents didn't invite my stepdaughter, I would tell them we aren't coming. Your family is you, your husband and all of the kids. You are right - spend the time with them! Good luck and Merry Christmas however you end up spending it.

I am going to be straight and tell you I would not go, or have anything to do with those people. They obviously dont care about their son enough to care about his family.

and the meddling sister-in -law...I would so call her directly and tell her to stop trying to start trouble....

If you and your hubs are happy, you shouldn't have to put up with that. I hope he sees this and understands.

(((HUGS))) I hope your holidays work out well!!!

DEALBREAKER - if all kid's aren't invited...I wouldn't go. Unless they have destoyed grandma's house by fire...or accused grandpa of inappropriate behavior towards them...there should be NOTHING they have done to get them univited to a family holiday, PERIOD!

ARRGGG...FACEBOOK - that dang thing causes more unhappiness than anything else in existence. Seriously - why do grown-ups continue to chose childish outlets like this to play the games they should have given up when they got their first underarm hair?

Why on earth is your husband allowing his sister to fuel the flames with an ex? How bizarre that either of you would chose to participate in any of this behavior.

Cancel the facebook account. Live your life the way you want. Get some counseling, thicker skin, and live your own life. You have a new marriage, a new baby, and soon a new grandchild. That is way more important than the pettiness you are currently allowing yourself to become enmeshed in.

I agree with Annette. How can your older kids, expecially the 16y not be invited? I would stay home. Arrange for a get together on the 18th or maybe Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day you should be with all of your kids.

M.

I think your husband should make it QUITE clear that if your older children are not invited, that you all won't be coming either. Really?

I would have to let them people go. Your children arent invited? Are you kidding? You and your family dont need them.

Your first responsibility is to your daughters. I would not go anywhere that they are not invited on a holiday. No brainer for me. If my children aren't invited, then I'm not going. It's Christmas! One does not leave their children on Christmas!

I've had a similar experience. I adopted my daughter after getting her as a foster child. Her birth family wanted her to visit them. When she was a child, even a teen, she only went if I were also invited. One does not separate mother and child. Eventually her birth family accepted me as a part of deal.

As to building a relationship with your in-laws, I suggest that it appears that they don't want a relationship and I'd stop trying to visit. I do wonder if you've ever invited them to dinner and if not I'd try doing that. If they don't respond to that I'd just put them away in the back of my mind and not worry about it anymore.

I agree that it's your husband who needs to talk with his parents and his sister and assertively let them know that he supports you and if they can't accept the whole family, you and your daughters, that he will be staying home with you. He could visit for an hour or two if he wants to do so but he needs to make it clear to them that his loyalty is with you.

He also needs to tell his sister that he will not accept any messages from his ex when they're delivered thru her. He has to make it very clear that the past is in the past and he's now with you.

He'll have to be careful or they will suck him into a middle position between them and you. I'd find it easier to just stay away from them than to keep myself alert so that I could stay out of their games and manipulating. One thing I've learned is that when we make a change, others are likely to do whatever they can to get us to change back to the way we were. If he's aware of this, he'll be better able to not get trapped. I suggest that he didn't know how to respond to his sister. Next time I hope that he'll know to say, "I'm not interested!"

Have a merry Christmas with your own family. Don't let the in-laws spoil it for you.

If my two oldest children were not invited, we would not be going! PERIOD!!

They are disrespecting the of you. These are your children and your husbands step children. I would not step foot near them. It is rude and mean to not invite your whole family. I would stay home with my family and have a great time. Good Luck!

What does it mean that you have met at an auction? A business place where they are selling off used items? That right there is extremely uninviting and impolite. That's all they have time for, is to meet in you in a strange place like that?

I would run, not walk, away from all this nonsense. Embrace your own, sweet family. You 16 yr.old needs your support and guidance and does not need to feel unloved and unwanted by these people, who are by marriage are supposed to be her family now.

What is she going to do with a new baby? Is she putting it up for adoption? Planning on keeping the baby? Where is the father?

You all have a lot on your plate to tend to. So leave the negative and unkind in-laws, and ex's, and SIL to their own devices for Christmas.

Take care hon. Thanks for asking other mom's here for some sage advice.

Whoa! Your oldest daughters aren't invited? Seriously? That would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry, you are a family of 5, not 3. Are you sure they aren't invited? Sorry, I think it's all of you or hubby can go alone.

Your 2 oldest are not invited??? Seriously?
Then there is no reason for you, or any of your girls, to go! I would put my foot down on this one! Hubby can go by himself if he is afraid to stand up for you and his family!!

Why are your kids not invited? There is something going on, it sounds like part of the problem for them is your 16YR. Either you know why or they simply disprove of a pregnant teenager. Personally I wouldn't go visit till I know what their problem was. I say stay home with your kids and get your home in order, let them worry about their own issues.

Good luck....

HI J.,
Blood is thicker than marriage isn't it? I wouldn't feel obligated to go to your in-laws house... nope; not one little bit. I skimmed the other posts and agree that if your two older girls are not invited then that is reason enough. However, I also think the weird auction meetings and lack of interest in their own grandchild is also reason enough not to go. Holidays are supposed to be about love and giving and family, not obligatory awkward dinners with people who don't act like they give a rat's fanny.

In my own in-law family, I have been able to often bite my tongue about my own hurt feeling of not being treated like family, but I draw the line if it's hurting my kids. There have been times when we have not met with them on the day of a holiday so that we could make that day special for just the four of us... then we meet up with them when it's convenient for us. Maybe that sounds selfish in some ways, but it creates better memories for us as a family and that's more important to be than sparing someone's feelings who just act like they want to see us because "that's what you do." I'd rather surround myself with friends who love me and my kids and really want to spend time with us.

I'll also add that my husband is a great guy... and he's very different from his family. But they are his family and he doesn't expect anything more from them, the way I do. Now that our kids are a little older, he takes the kids to see them for a few days each summer in a rental house they get at a family vacation spot. I don't go. I take a break for myself during that time. I wouldn't tell my husband that he couldn't spend time with his family, but I don't have to suffer through it too.

Good luck~