My son is 14, IQ of 137 (137ish, may be 136, 138, somewhere in the high 130s), has aggressive ADHD and Aspergers (which is high functioning autism). Situation is this...at school his behavior/maturity is consistent with his age, 14 y.o. At home his behavior is 4-6 y.o. No discipline, reward system, conversation or anything seems to make a difference. When he was 8, it was not nearly as frustrating for the 4 y.o. behavior, but the bigger the age gap, the more frustrating it is. Any ideas on coping for us to try, ideas that might work for him? He doesn't see anything wrong with how his behavior is...says would we rather he be mature at home or at school, we said both. If he would even mature to the point of 10-12 y.o. behavior, that'd be a HUGE step for us and alleviate a lot of the stress. Any ideas?
Don't know how to replay to a person's comment so am adding this in reply to "live bold". We have refused from day 1 to let him run the house. He knows he is not in charge. He knows he can't play one off the other between my husband and I. We have talked to teachers, have had him in counseling, and are trying to get him back in counseling (which won't do any good if he doesn't want to go). We know he has issues with short term memory and he has been screened for schizophrenia, but the diagnosis on that is not conclusive enough for the label and treatment. He shows signs of it, but it usually isn't even considered until closer to 18. We are just at wits end trying to find a way to...educate...him on his behavior in a way that will stick in his head and make him realize that it isn't acceptable (which we have been telling him for years to no avail).
Wish there was a way to answer a specific person at their question...this is for Sheila S. -- thanks for the positive encouragement. I did want to clarify something I guess I missed/got muddled in the original question...we don't excuse or allow behavior because he has a challenge...we have always said it is an explanation, not an excuse and if you are 14, you will act like you are 14 and will be treated like you are 14. Rewarding for good behavior has worked as well as disciplining for bad behavior...in other words, it has had little to no effect. That is part of the disorder, but oh well, he has to learn or he will keep getting grounded for his bad choices. Some days it feels like he will NEVER learn...sigh.
Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement. Even above the suggestions, the support itself helped.
Seems a bit late now to do anything. If he's smart enough to tell you that you should be pleased with his behavior at school, then he's entirely aware of what he's doing and why. Sounds like he's always ran the household. I'm at a loss at how you are supposed to change it now. Have you spoke to the counselors and teachers at school?
W., many of us with an intelligent but "special needs" child understands your predicament. My daughter explained her meltdowns after school as melting down for the whole day - all the emotions held in all day. She had no reserves left and home was safe. Homeschooling her would NOT have been a solution for her for several reasons - she liked school, had friends there, and she did NOT want me as teacher - just as MOMMY. She was quite rigid in her expectations about roles, and really could not cope well with deviations (more on that in the book "It's Not Mental"- www.ItsNotMental.com ).
I can say that helping her feel better in general (physically), keeping schedules, and not spring surprises on her, and keeping stress level down at home all helped. The book I mentioned may have more ideas.
Big hug to you.
As Angela said, maybe the stress of holding it all in at school is too much and he explodes at home.
This is very typical of "neuroatypical" people/children... they DO know how to act properly, but it is extremely exhausting...... he is choosing to behave as normally as possible at school, but when he gets home, the stress or exhaustion of trying to appear as neurotypical as possible is too much, and it all comes out at home.
Home is the safe place... he knows he won't be judged or thought of as bizarre at home, so he acts in his neuroatypical ways there, which is "natural" for him.
If you can give us some examples of his behaviors, and which ones bother you the most, we might be able to give you some 'management' or coping skills for you. Maybe you can come up with some substitute behaviors that aren't as annoying? (I work with a lot of Autism spectrum students in middle school.....)
Good luck.....
This may sound like a crazy, out-of-the-box idea, but have you ever considered homeschooling him?
Is it possible that the stress of holding in his feelings all day finally explodes once he gets home?
If he's that smart he's probably highly logical too. He knows that it *is* more important to behave well at school - after all, they don't love him unconditionally the way you do. And he's probably sensitive to being embarrassed at school by his own behavior (most boys that age are). So he lets it all "hang out" at home (?).
Maybe if he didn't have to cope with that stress all day, every day, his home behavior would improve (?). Does he get any better during the summer, or days off from school?
I could very well be wrong, and you know him better than anyone. I really hope you can find some good solutions.
Good luck.
Good morning - unfortunately I don't have any advice to provide as we are just starting this road with my 5 year old son......I do want to say however try not to let some of the responders get to you - unfortunately those who haven't been in the shoes of raising a child with 'special needs' child think that what works for them should work for us and don't 'get it'. I hope your struggles get better.
The biggest difference between school and home are structure. At school, the same things happen at the same time every day. At home he needs that structure too. A definite schedule of what is to be done when would give him the boundaries he needs to keep his behavior on track. As others said, maybe he is just unwinding after a long day at school, so include a little bit of down time also so he can have the time for relaxing. But adding a schedule/routine from when he gets home to when he goes to bed might help.
Also, I'm guessing he's on med's. Maybe his dose needs to be adjusted, as it is wearing out before the end of the day.
Good luck and stay strong for your son. I admire you for the love and support you are giving him. He needs you.
When my kids were younger i remember being in surprise when the the principal told me how incredibly behaved my children were. They were monsters at home and i wanted to duck when i saw the principal because i was sure they were terrible at school. At home my wild Indians had to behave nicely at the dinner table. That's how we managed to keep our sanity. (keep one room in the house that he must behave in, maybe the kitchen). It must be alot of hard work to be good all day yet a relief that he could come home and de-stress. My kids have actually benefited from after school sports (all), especially team (or even hip-hop). Lacrosse has a combination of individual and comraderie that he could start at his age (if in arizona). Most other team sports are too competitive. Good luck with your sanity. I appologize if this is not helpful at all because i do not know anything about adhd and aspergers, only wild behavior and high IQ kids that act one way for the parents and another for everyone else.
I don't know if you have noticed this but they can do a lot more than they let on. My 12 year old has PDD, until I put my foot down he will not change behavior because it gets him what he wants.
As long as you assume he needs a reward system he will not change. I am not saying these changes are easy but they need to be made.
I have been amazed with Andy, every time I expect him to do something more grown up, accept more responsibility he rises to the challenge.
Aside from still asking to be tucked in, which is more a ritual than a need, Andy is as responsible as any other 12 year old.
Good luck, I know it isn't easy.
Okay just read your what happened. They don't see the world like we do. Everything is black and white. I don't do this I am not expected to do this. Trust me they do it without thinking which is why it looks innocent, well because it is. It is still behavior that can be modified. It isn't easy, it takes a lot longer than a normal child and they will pull out all the stops but their behavior can be modified.
I'm not sure what you want of his 'maturity' at home or at school. If he is misbehaving, acting out, refusing to do things, will not follow rules then I say by golly there should be consequences. Asbergers, or not. he is obviously smart and can play it right. They can get him to do things in school, because well, let's face it, they are not emotionally involved on the same scale as you, there are LOTS OF THEM and only two of you, so they can trade off reinforce postive behavior and like any teenager whoa he is testing the limits. Forget for a moment what his conditions are and react on a level that simply accepts him as what he is. And if he is not supposed to shoot the squirt gun in the house at the sofa or the cat (and mine weren't allowed to do that either) then expect that and give him the conesquences if he refusesBut you have to follow through with them over and over. that is often why no rules make a difference. They figure they can get you once or twice to give in and then we all cave. You can reward him, too, for great behavior. Maturity in mind-sorry but so many kids act immature at home-that's what we are all going through with teenagers at one time or another.So annoying but true. So hang in there. And this site is perfect for looking up all sorts of issues with behaviors, books to read and/sites to visit. Hang in there Wishing you luck.
