Inspiring My Teenaged Girl to Do Something

Talk to her... ask her what is wrong and how you as a family can come together and fix it. Tell her you want to be a soccer/cheerleading/softball/track/etc Step Momma! Tell her you'd love to see her perform in plays or showcase her art. Don't just tell her to do something, make her realize her allowing herself to express herself will be welcomed and applauded. Take her to aquariums, amusement parks, museums, etc to show her how things are around her.

Strengths. She needs help recognizing her strengths. She has them and I'm not entirely sure you are connected on an emotional level to her or her strengths. You briefly mentioned...scratch that, you didn't mention any of her strengths. Your overall tone was defeated and blaming...of her and her bio mama. This isn't going to help her and infact will make her withdraw more. Kids who don't FEEL respected and supported don't respond well to rewards or. Punishments because neither mean anything. You've already decided she can't go to college based on grades and maybe her withdrawing from others. You've decided her bio mama is a loser, which probably makes your step daughter feel bad.

If you read my previous posts you'll see I am typically a very encouraging and optimistic person, but I don't see how your step daughter can thrive around your attitude unless she has a mentor or someone in her life who see's her strengths, is supportive even when she isn't succeeding, and is attuned to her needs. I'm truly sorry to say this but it doesn't sound like you are anywhere near being a good person for her right now.

If I were you I would take a step back from thinking about what her problems are and focus more on why I am so unwilling to be a positive influence in her life. I don't think you like her or her bio mama and while it's okay to not connect with everyone, it's NOT okay to assume it's because they are failures. EVERYONE has strengths and everyone needs someone in their life who see's those strengths and highlights the strengths during times of distress. It is how we motivate ourselves to live a happier life. And happier results in activities and behaviors that are optimistic. Your step daughter is depressed and responding to her environment. If you want her to change, her environment needs to change...which means you need to take a long and deep look into how to shift your attitude from one of judgment, blame, and even shame towards one of acceptance, optimism, and love.

Maybe you just were upset when you posted or were in a rush, so if you are already strengths focused, I apologize. But gosh, I think the way you communicated about your step daughters problem reveals more about you than her and i'd recommend getting her a mentor or counselor who can help her. She isn't happy and it doesn't sound like you are anywhere close to being part of the solution right now. Not until you examine where your annimosity is coming from. I guarantee it has nothing to do with her or her bio mom. I hope you find happiness soon so it can rub off on others...finding an emotional connection complete with compassion and hope will actually help you find your own joy. Until then, this problem won't improve and will repeat itself in other relationships that mean a lot to you.

Best wishes and sorry for the tough love...I really do say all of the above with kindness:)

I wonder why she isn't motivated. You just called her "a loser with no future" This is not the way you talk about a child (even a teenager) Get her into some therapy, go to family counseling, sit down and do school work with her, maybe there are issues at school, take her out, meet her friiends, let her have friends over (I always enjoyed doing homework with at least one other friend over) taking away everything from her is not going to help, encourage her to try a club, sport, activity.
I think you should start small with what is expected of her and then gradually increase it but I also think some family counseling would be a huge benefit for all of you.

I agree with taking away the phone all together. I am surprised that no one mentioned taking her to the college campus. While you are there meet with a guidance counselor with her transcripts in hand. Let them guide her and tell her exactly what it will take to get her into the school. Also have her meet with a student guidance counselor so that they can share with her the fun times she will experience in college. She has to know that you believe in her. If her own family doesn't believe she can get to college why would she. I would also strongly advise counseling. She needs to find her self worth and that is hard for you to give her. I have a step mom that has been around through my teen years and there is nothing she could have said that would make me listen. I think it's time to accept that someone else may be better suited for the job. Good luck

Hi MissKnowItAll,

For starters, no more texting. Take the phone away. If you are able to do drop off and pick up for school, she shouldn't need a phone anyway. I know, I know, this sounds horrible and she does need social contact. I would allow her to have the phone for an hour weekdays, after homework is finished.

Also, if you have the time and money, let her pick an activity and pay for/drive her to and from. Allow her to invite friends over and take them places. Find something she's good at and encourage her. Try to do homework with her. Tell her that if she wants to get into SDSU you will do everything you can to get her there. Even spend time on the Internet looking at the school and requirements for entry with her. If she doesn't have the grades now, at least she can go to a JC and transfer).

I have an 11 y/o daughter and I do these things, and it WORKS, Straight A's this semester. She does not have a cell phone and may not until high school. She knows I love her though because I let her do almost anything as long as she keeps her grades Bs and above.

I also have stepkids in EXACTLY the situation you describe. They are not with us full time though...if they were they would be in for a huge shock. All the electronics, cell phones, GameBoys, etc. would be GONE until the grades went up. After all, as alduts we have to work before being rewarded with a paycheck, so why should we teach our children any differently?

Good luck...I really hope your stepdaughter gets out of her depression (and yes I do think she's depressed), starts having some fun, and starts feeling better about herself and her future. She may just have gotten the break of a lifetime by being able to move in with you!

There is a program at my daughters high school called Avid that is designed to get students motivated and on track for college and careers. Its a national organization -- I found their website --

http://www.avid.org/

I think it focuses on students like your step-daughter. Maybe you should see if her school has something like it, or it looks like they have a summer program.

Another really good program at my daughters school is "Challenge Day." I volunteered at that in Nov. and it was a very powerful experience for all of the students involved. It was sort of a "pre-therapy", getting people in touch with their feelings.

http://www.challengeday.org/challenge-day-program.php

You don't mention if your step-daughter had to change schools to live with you full time. That could be stressful and the reason she's texting all her old buddies.

I'd make an appointment with someone at her school to see what sort of resources they have.

Keep being the positive influence you are to her and good luck!

You sound so frustrated! My advice (for now) is to try to do fun things that might inspire her. Does she like animals? Go to Discovery Kingdom (buy tix online to get a better price), or send her to a camp there. In the Bay Area there are so many fun things to do in so many areas (museums, etc.). This will be more work for you - sorry. Take her to a community college (the counselors there might be able to take her on a tour and let her know what she needs to do). Kids often take advice from other adults more than their parents and especially steps.
She may feel like she is being disloyal to her mother if she is successful at anything. Counseling is a good idea to get to the bottom of things, but maybe a group session for teens instead of "therapy"? If you go to church, try a youth group there to widen her circle.

Good luck, this is a toughie.

I would agree that it might be wise to have her screened for depression and realize that it might be a bit of culture shock for her to be living with you guys and have different expectations made of her. Talk to her about anything that she finds the least bit interesting - sometimes it takes a while for them to discover something they can be passionate about.

My stepsons (16 and 17) are good kids, but seem to suffer from the same problem - or at least until recently. They live with their mom and she's a nice person and a loving mom but hasn't always been much of pusher when it seemed to me they really needed a push. If they ever took an interest in anything or started an activity, then decided they didn't want to do it anymore, she let them quit before they really gave it more of a chance (this includes cross country, football, tennis, guitar and drum lessons). So now neither of them is really involved in anything beyond video games and skateboarding, and their grades are not always what they could be. Then earlier this year the 17 yo discovered photography and now that he is a senior in high school, he is hoping to get into a particular college to pursue it further. He is also now working part-time at a fast food burger chain. The 16 yo is in 10th grade and is still being a bit of a lump but hopefully he'll figure something out and get it together soon. It is hard when they don't live with us and I and his dad have limited influence - whenever Dad has tried to talk to Mom about this stuff, she gets fairly defensive and not much gets accomplished (and neither she nor he went to college, whereas I did, for what it's worth - something I think that can affect one's perspective on how important a college education can be).

If your community offers classes through parks and rec, maybe you could sign the both of you up for something together. Let her see what is available and see if anything peaks her interest - cooking, photography, yoga, whatever. Let it be a chance for the both of you to doing something fun together and hopefully that will get her feeling more positive about herself as well as you. You could also consider volunteer work and then maybe she will see that she really doesn't have it that bad.

You did not mention her age or what grade she is in, but maybe she needs to think about going to a vocational/technical high school instead of a regular one - she can still go to college after graduation but it might give her taste of what the alternatives are if college is not an option. She can also think about getting a part-time job like my stepson did - at least it will give her something to do with her time and start teaching her some work ethics and lessons in real life. It can also help her to see that her career options might be limited if she does not go to college. If she is struggling with her grades, it could be a learning issue and you might need to get more involved with her teachers - then maybe she will see that you care enough to show up and she'll start to care too.

Finally, you might just have to lay it all on the line - if she can't get better grades, she will not get accepted to the college of her choice. Unfortunately, some people (teens included) can only learn the hard way - they have to screw up and make poor choices and realize that they need to do things differently if they want to turn their life around.

Please try to be as upbeat and supportive and positive as possible - if you are giving off negative vibes, thinking of her as "bratty" and "unmotivated", she can probably sense that and that will just cause her to withdraw more. She might think that she will fail no matter what, so what's the point in trying. Let her know that she is smart, she has a good head on her shoulders, and all she has to do is put in the effort - she has the brains, but the rest is up to her. It's not her fault that her mother is the way she is and she had the upbringing she's had up to this point.

Of course, I have to ask: where is her dad in all this?

Why not try different vollenteer programs? That might make her see that there is more to life, and things and that she could have it worse. There are plenty of things she could do.

It sounds as if this is your first experience parenting a teenager. My daughter is 12 and she can be a lump. She also drives me crazy daily and I am her bio mom. I'm sure if she was my step daughter I would not have the patience for the amount of coaxing she requires. You really have to love a teenager to have patience with them and faith that they will turn out OK. I guess all I want to say is that raising teens (or preteens) can require an iron constitution and I understand your frustration. Re: her bio mom - I will point out that your husband was married to her so she can't have been that ignorant. As with anything regarding children - this is temporary and it helps to remind yourself of that. I would push her to see her high school counselor and look into vocational career options. Give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe a hug. Merry Christmas!

I don't blame you for being fed up. There is nothing worse than watching a unmotivated child laying around like a lump! My grandson who is 14 is now living with us. When he was with his mom, he got horrible grades; he is on independent study I think because his mom fully anticipate him dropping out of school and I think she put him on independent study as the first part of dropping out. Anyway, now he's with us and I noticed that the first week he was there, he got out his school books and then proceeded to tell me he didn't know who to do his algebra and thought he was just going to walk away from it because i certainly don't know how to do it. That would be the way it was with mom - just walk away and forget it. but not me. I pulled up a chair and said, well, let's figure this out together. You explain to me these first few steps that you understand and we'll see if we can't figure out the next step together. Turned out, just by talking it out trying to teach me, he was able to move forward and got all the problems correct! the point is, he just needed someone to sit down with him and act like they cared. he has been with us for about 8 weeks now and I really enjoy helping him with his school work; and in turn, he's gotten very excited about school. he just needed that support and someone to be interested with him. He'll now read some of his history assignment and come out and say grandma, guess what I've been doing? I read so-and-so and did you know......Maybe that's the case with your stepdaughter. Maybe one evening or afternoon, you can go into her room while she's doing homework and ask what she's working on and try to prompt a discussion about whatever she's working on and just show some genuine interest and that may spark some interest on her part as well. Good luck!

Well, she was not raised wisely.... by her Mom.
So her daughter is lost.
It is sad.
Her daughter is a culmination... of what she is used to and how she was raised.

So to suddenly expect her to live by other constructs of living.... is something she probably cannot 'relate' to. And because her Mom was very Dysfunctional....
Perhaps getting her a Mentor, can help.... or counseling....
She sounds apathetic.
And no wonder... her home life with her Mom all this time... was not productive nor positive nor normal nor proper.
So that is all your Step Daughter knows.

So start from ground zero.
Don't expect high expectations right away.... she is getting 'acculturated' into your family right now... and a WHOLE other different 'way' of living.... and parenting.....

Have family 'meetings.' Discuss what goes on in the family... rules, chores, necessities for the home, responsibilities of EVERYONE including you and your Husband etc.
Take note of any 'talents' or interests she may have.... nurture that.

Being there and telling them they have potential for anything is the first step. We have been dealing with my stepson's grades for 6 years now. His mom thought by getting the teachers to literally grab his backpack and put it in front of him would help motivate him. I spoke up and said it is only enabling him showing him that someone else will always pick up the pieces. Well when he is with us, we are on him about his homework. Not as much as I would like but he seems to do better. we finally changed schools and is with us one week on and one with off. We actually started him in counseling. Telling him that this is NOT to say he is crazy or anything. It is someone that he can talk to without the fear of it getting back to a parent. Maybe the doc can help him think of another way to approach things. The worse it could do is nothing. The best was that its a place for him to vent, and talk..
This was a GREAT thing. He even wanted to continue but our insurance didn't cover it and I am now not working.. so its too costly. We plan to take him back once i start working again.
My thing is now.. he still is lazy. They are teenagers.. thats the stage. They will get it when they decide they want something.. IE--drivers license, money for anything.. My stepdaughter goes to SDSU... and I can tell you she said it was a rude awakening of how to budget stuff..

the best way to find out what your step daughter is interested in (and believe me she is interested in something) is to ASK her. She might not be very forthcoming at first but about once a week or so ask her again. Let her know you would like to spend some time with her getting to know her better.
A good question would be "If you could do anything (legal) that you wanted to do what would it be?" Then sit down with her and (make your own too) list of what you would do if you could do anything. If she wants to try a hobby (my hobbies are beading and paper-crafting) then go with her and help her purchase some supplies and maybe a how-to book. One thing i've learned is that kids of any age really, really appreciate TIME with their parents even if it doesn't seem like it.
Don't pressure her to do things you think she should be doing but
sometimes forced family fun is in order. Do things together as a family. Don't expect your step-daughter to be happy about it and don't give up.
My 16 year old son used to get bad grades (and he is academically smarter than me) and was anti-social to the extreme then he discovered track/cross-country. We told him he had to maintain a 3.0 or better to be able to participate. And guess what? He has succeeded. He was getting a failing grade in one subject and rather than lecture him about how he wasn't going to get into the college of his choice because of it we just told him that he needs to bring it up to a passing grade. He did that so now we have raised the bar a little higher and we want him to bring it up to a C. We're not going to nag him about it. We've made our expectations clear and we will, about once a week or so, ask how his grade in that subject is and ask if he needs any help with anything.
I think the biggest thing with most teenagers is that they don't know how to set goals. They need to be taught. So if she wants to go to such and such a college then together research what is required to get into the school and sit with her and help her to set goals and then help her to achieve those goals. Not everybody is a self starter. Some people need to be led or shown the way until they have gained the confidence to pursue dreams.
Mostly she needs you to BELIEVE in her even when she isn't living up to yours or her dad's expectations.

Go ahead and help her Dad as much as you can, but it is up to her Dad to make the most impact on her. I've been there and used all the supports (consuling, church, extended family and school) My step D. ended up graduating high school just fine, but never held a job for more than a few weeks. She became her mother, and they are best buds. She spends all day with her mom, raising her kids. It's like the 4-5 years under our roof, was nothing to her...

Why don't you start walking with her in the mornings? My sister and I used to go walking or jogging before school when we were in high school. It would get her up and moving- don't ask- just let her know you need an exercise partner and you two will be getting up an hour earlier to go for a walk in the mornings. It would be a great way to bond with her and maybe she will open up to you before too long. this way you can find out more of some things she might like to try and encourage her to go out and try it- like music, sports, art, drama- something like that.
You don't' have to force the conversation anywhere and if you just walk in silence for a while- that's okay too. It will benefit you both in more ways than you think.
Good luck!
~C.