Interfering Step-Mom

You don't have to allow the calls. Period. To threaten you with legal action is outragious. I don't know where and when it all went wrong but all parties need to find a way to co-exsist and co-parent this little boy for the next 10+ years. I suggest going to a family councelor and making a parenting plan with all roles clearly defined. Good luck.

it sounds like your ex needs to man up and take charge of the family situation in his court. Although I think it's a positive thing to keep the lines of communication open in a blended family, it sounds like she's doing the equivilent of peeing on your shoes, so to speak. Territories need to be defined. A mediator or counseler might be just what you guys need to lay down the ground rules. All issues regarding the child should really be between you and the ex. It's not like YOUR husband is calling your child up on their time and demanding to chat. Does she have children of her own? Maybe she is overcompensating because she was blessed with having your child in her life. I hope is works out for you.

As both a mother and yes also, a proud step mother, I encourage you to allow your son to have a relationship with his step mother. My step son was raised by his mother and raised well, but now he lives with us. I always tried to be a good step mother to him and to treat him as part of the family and yes, even take him out on family outings to places like go cart racing areas and bumper boats when he was younger. I know it is very difficult to let other people into your child's life in this fashion though as I recently had one of my very best friends tell me she thought of herself as sort of a second mom to my daughter. She also got a bit hurt when I asked other people to watch my daughter too when I left home to visit my sister for almost 2 weeks. She said I should have known she would be comfortable taking any time for babysitting that my family could not take or did not want to take. While I never was rude enough to tell my step son's biological mother how to raise her child, I am greatful for the relationship I have with my step son and to her for allowing me to do things like bring him to the amusement park even if it was just me and him.

It sounds like this woman is making things very difficult not only for you but also for your son. No child should ever be told that there mother, or any other relative in their life, does not want them.
What you need to do is start to keep a journal - every time something happens note down the incident and what was said in a clear cut factual way. Try to keep emotions out of it - just the facts. If you ever seek further action in court regarding custody or anything else, this will be very helpful and even though it is only your side of the story, you will have all the dates and will not only be relying on your memory.
The next time she calls I would also tell her that all her phone calls are being recorded - even if it is a lie. Or, if you want, you can purchase machines to record phone calls. If you tell her she is being recorded she may watch herself a bit more. If she doesn't then I would go buy the machine and record it. Tell your ex-husband too, he needs to understand that it has gotten to the point that you are feeling harassed and may take further action.
I am so sorry your little boy is having to deal with this situation - what a heartbreak. Good luck.

OMG - I feel for you and your plight with this lunatic AND your ex. Cos he obviously makes it ok for her to behave this way to you. I was a step(ped on Mom)once. I constantly went to www.steptogether.org for my answers. It helped alot bcuz you are talking to a whole group of step parents dealing with all kinds of things. Good luck and Blessings on you and your son. This is so hard - my prayers are with you!
S.

It's probably a tough situation on both ends, but just thank God your kids are not exposed to her more than they already are....she may be under a lot of stress and your husband may be telling her lies about you, but regardless, don't react to her when she is yelling at you - be the bigger person and don't tolerate that behavior. I would not stay on the phone with someone yelling...ultimately, you are the mom and have more control than she ever will, and she probably resents that, so just remain calm and rest assured that you are the one with the power and she can't have it no matter how much yelling she does.

if she ruely loves your son and wants to talk to him and he wants to talk to her then i see no problem. the more people he has in his life who love him the better. if you are worried about what she's going to say to him over the phone how do you live when he's over her house those 12 weeks a year?! i think you are being over dramatic on this issue...i dont know about anything else she does but with this i dont see the problem and my first insticts tell me you are just jealous of her or feel that she will take your place in your sons eyes. the better you get alog with her the better it will be for your son. she has the right to call him step-son and he is her problem sense he married your ex. there is a time when it's nat about us anymore...it's about the kids. if he is only at their house on rare occasions dont you think it might help him be more comfortable around her when he does go there if he gets to talk to her 1-2 times a week? have you aver asked your son if he even wants to talk to her?

Yes, it is wonderful that she wants to be part of his life, BUT the way she calls and speaks to you sounds like she just wants to set you off. And that is unacceptable. I would talk to you ex and her. Try to open the lines of communications. Try to get along. I know that it means everything has to be from you, but hopefully, in the long run, things will be better.

This sounds like a really tough situation. My ex-MIL was VERY much like what you're describing here. She liked to think she was in control of my children. I had to have a stern talk with her in which I set the rules, informed her that her calls with my son would be monitored at all times (and I do listen in on those phone calls) and that the calls would be limited. And yes, it was as simple as saying "this is how it's going to be. you either follow the rules or you get cut off". She didn't like it of course, proceeded to yell and swear at me. The first couple of calls with my son, I ended the call because she was speaking to him inappropriately according to the rules I had clearly spelled out for her. I reminded her of the rules and reminded her that she was being monitored and it hasn't happened since. She also used to call every day, several times a day and I ended up ducking her calls except for once or twice a month when I would let her speak (monitored) with him. She went to my ex to complain about me and he asked me if I was ducking her calls, to which I responded flat out, "Yes, I am." He had no response to that since there was nothing he could do about it. She stopped calling so much after that.

I realize there's nothing I can do about exposure to this woman when my kids are with their father, but my kids are with me the majority of the year and I control how things are handled in my house. It's very simple to block a phone number or just pick up and hang up once you know who's on the other end of the line. I also have a written list of improprieties on her part and if she ever wants to fight me in court, I will show up armed to the teeth (and yes, I threw out the restraining order threat too, but it hasn't quite come to all that yet).

The bright side is that being the primary custodial parent gives you more time to be open and honest with your kids, to show how much you love them so they will never believe the lies, thereby undoing much of the negativity encountered on the infrequent visits with the other parent. As your kids get older, they will see all their parents for who they really are, the good and the bad. My son is now 13 y/o and he's finally opening his eyes to everyone's true character. He no longer believes the lies he was told about me, though he was greatly saddened and disappointed to learn that others in his family would lie to him about such things.

I guess my advice to you is, record everything that happens, whether you write it in a notebook or record phone conversations. Monitor those phone calls that you get and don't hesitate to end the call if something you don't like is being said to your kid. It is perfectly within your legal rights to listen to your kids' phone calls and even open mail that is sent to them (once my ex-MIL realized she couldn't get away with saying things to my son on the phone, she started sending lots of mail with language I found inappropriate and was clearly against the rules I had laid out for her). It's probably a good assumption that this woman is being fed a bunch of lies about you by your ex, which only fuels the problem and makes her more aggressive.

Just remember, YOU are the mother, YOU are the one in control, YOU have the upper hand from any legal standpoint. She can't do anything to you that you don't let her get away with. So don't let her get away with it!

It is my understanding that only biological parents have any rights concerning a child at all. Period. If this person is browbeating you over the phone, hang up. She needs to have some boundaries set and enforced. If she persists in the abusive/annoying phone calls, I would consider contacting an attorney about a restraining order. I also would wonder how healthy it is for your son to be exposed to her without anyone there to observe or supervise. It is obvious that your ex has no control over her behaviors.

I would not worry about her taking you to court over the phone calls. This appears to be a controlling, possessive, unbalanced person, and you need to protect yourself and possibly your son from her abusive interactions. I find her behavior abusive to you, a matter of concern in reference to your son, and bordering on illegal harassment.

One thing I learned when my daughter was young is that a child can never have too much love. I also had to deal with my ex, his wife, and his parents. The more loving adults in your son's life the better off he will be. What could be wrong with that?? Ask yourself if this woman is a danger to your son. Would she hurt him? If your answer is no, why deprive him of the love he could receive. Set a good example for him that adults can all get along.

I have experienced both sides of this ...you see I am a step-mom and my Son has a Step-Mom. First you should count your blessings that your son has 4 parents! in the future (ie: teen years) this will be a wonderful benefit. Second perhaps a family meeting is in order just to establish some parenting guidelines. She is part of the family. Your ex married her and she is now a parent in this extended family. Lay down your swords and focus on the most important thing...your son.
I speak from experience...you have 18 + years to "deal" with his "other" parents. Make life easy.
I also would like you to print out your request and save it...open it in 10 years and you may have a nice chuckle...you see my friend...this is small potatoes! bigger battles will come.
on a side note... a very good friend of mine chose to ignore the step parent issue and they took her to court and got full custody of both of her children at ages 7 and 13. shocking yes...but the father and his family do have rights. abide by them and bite your tongue. please.
enjoy life!

Dear D.,

You have every right to be protective about your son. I would also suggest that you keep a journal or a log file of every time she calls and insists on speaking to your son. You are right, this is not normal behavior. Also, as much as i appreciate your reason to want to get along with your ex...i feel like you are spending a lot of time and energy in trying to reason with folks that cannot be reasoned with. Clearly your ex's wife finds it an infringement of her space that you are (and will continue) to be connected to her husband through your son. She is insecure about that fact that you and your ex will always have that bridge between them and there is nothing she can do about it. That fact alone is more disturbing to her than anything that can ever come out of your mouth. I suggest that you keep your poise. Stop reasoning with her. If her behavior persists you may want to report it which is why i suggest that you keep a log of each encounter. I know it is probably hard to do but avoid her as much as possible. Don't come in contact with her. Screen her calls. Be civil and poised whenever you do see her. Remember... keep your cool!