It's Not Me Is It?

ok he might be in iraq but he seems to have a lot of time on his hands. if he need attention he can write you naughty stuff he doesn't have to write that to other women. he doesn't feel guilty at all for cheating on you. counseling is great but it only works if both are willing to work on it. he doesn't seem to even try. if my husband would try to pull that on me he would be on the street faster than he would know what is happening. are you happy? if not i think its time to change SOMETHING. good luck!!!!

This year I have been dealing with the same kind of thing with my husband. First, the girl he was talking to online and on the phone (who was also an ex) messaged me some of the things he was saying to her. It was all about sex and how much he wanted her, but in the end he claimed he was just "joking, pulling a prank" on her and there was nothing to it hence why she showed it to me to get back at him. Well, that blew over but in the process I found out he lied to me about not sleeping with her before we got together which was stupid to lie about. Well, I can tell you it only takes one lie to reset trust. More and more of these girlfriends started popping up (he left AIM open on our computer, I checked his email) and I found out this has been going on pretty much our whole relationship. We have been in counseling, working on our trust and communication, but that trust isn't completely rebuilt and honestly it may never be whole again. I can say we are better and he has completely given me access to his phone and emails so I can check and feel secure, but you really never know absolutely but we love each other. My husband did all of his "cheating" online, but if your's is taking this to that personal level than I think you are even more justified to question what is really going on. But do you know that he's meeting women in person for sure? I think you need to set the rules for your own life. Do you want to work this out? Do you think you can? I told my husband that I will not stay with him if he cheats on me and that is that. And most importantly, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. By cheating, he is seeking something that you may not be giving him, but that is not reason enough because he is a grown man and should ASK for what he wants. That is why communication is so important. But you must be willing to work with him, meet him, compromise. And if you two can't do that then your relationship will not last.
Maybe I'm throwing to much at you, but if you have questions or want to talk some more message me back. I've been there, but it CAN get better.

It's not you. The trust between you has been broken and he seems unwilling to help repair it. I too am a student and my professor recently gave us these guidelines to follow which I will print here. Sadly, part of you will always wonder with this man and is that how you want to live your life? My ex had an affair and turned out to be a liar of the worst kind. The opposite of responsibility is blame. Do you have children with this person? He doesn't seem to care about repairing the damage he has done. You may need to cut him loose and move on. I don't know that he can be trusted and you deserve to be happy.

DR. LEFEVER'S GROUND RULES FOR OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS

1. No opposite sex friendships that do not involve your partner.

2. Your partner is present during friendship activities more often than not.

3. Your partner knows each and every time you spend time with an opposite sex friend. This includes when, where, how long, and for what purpose.

4. No meeting with opposite sex friends behind closed doors or in secluded areas.

5. No meeting with opposite sex friends in any way that would cause a reasonable outsider to wonder about the nature of the relationship. This means, no late night get-togethers or phone calls, no innocent overnight stays, etc., without your partner present and in full agreement.

6. No private or secret talks with opposite sex friends, and no discussing personal topics without full knowledge and agreement of your partner. You don’t keep anything you discuss from your partner.

7. No working behind closed doors, sharing an office, or spending casual time at work with colleagues of the opposite sex without the full knowledge and agreement by your partner. This includes “only” going to coffee or lunch together. Fully disclose and discuss such activities and be completely forthcoming with details.

8. No flirtations, no matter how “harmless” you think they are.

9. No opposite sex friendships in which you invest more time than you do in your relationship with your partner.

10. No behavior that puts loyalty to your friend above loyalty to your partner.

11. It is not up to your partner to “get over” apprehensions or other emotions caused by your behavior—it is up to you to get over the behavior. It is up to you to change your behaviors in a way that makes your priorities clear and puts your partner first.

Share these with your spouse. If he is unwilling to follow these guidelines then you have your answer. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

No it is not you. IT IS HIM. Like most cheaters,he is trying to make it appear like it is all in your head. Tell him it may be just "talk" but it is disrespectful to you and your family and he need to stop it NOW! But truly the proof is in his emails. Print them and keep them for safe keeping for the legal stuff if and when you're ready to leave him. Good luck.

If it walks like a duck & quacks like a duck, it’s a duck!
You have to do what is best for your family, but it does not sound like to me that he has much respect for you. As another response says, you can notify his commander…it depends on how far you want to take it. Keep working on your independence, so when you have had enough of the lies you will feel like you can make it on your own. Forget about feeling guilty while he’s in Iraq. He’s certainly not thinking about how he’s stressing you out while you are at home being a single parent and trying to keep your family together.

He's proving to you over and over again that he can not be trusted. By continuing after he was caught and not ever being completely honest with you the first time, he's showing you that you won't be able to trust him in the future.

You need to decide if this is something that you want to accept and stay with him, or leave. Dragging it out isn't helpful to you or your kids, and they are the most important ones to consider.

Whatever you decide to do, please, please, PLEASE don't bad mouth your husband in front of them. As much of an a** as he has been to you, he is still their father. Let them grow up and figure it out later. It still bothers me that my father said so many things about my mother to and around me. I she did things that were wrong, but she is my mom and I still love her.

Good luck and be strong. You have a long road ahead of you, and you'll want to be sure you make the best decisions you can.

I am very sorry this is happening to you right now. How heartbreaking. I am a military wife too and my husband is in Iraq. This is not okay what he is saying or suggesting. No you are not putting up a fuss for nothing. He has a serious problem. Is he enlisted? Because if he is you need to get ahold of his command master chief and they will crack down on him. They don't tolerate it. Our neighbors daughter is going through the same thing and that's what they did to him is told the command master chief and the command pulled up all of his records, including financial and everything and put him into counseling. He is under so much careful watch that he can't do anything and get away with it.

FIRST thing you need to do is make copies of every email and every piece of evidence you have that would suggest adultery. Also, Print off phone records and financial statements. You need to do it before he can erase anything. Then you can go to the command and legal department on base and get some advise and help from them as well. Using the military to your advantage can help him change. My neighbor works for NCIS and you can put a program on your computer to be able to track exactly what he is doing when he comes home. You need to be strong and act on it now. Too many women feel sorry for the husbands and don't do anything, when you are the victim here in this situation. He is being totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. He will make it seem like it's your fault. That's how they try to justify their actions. Do you have a support system? You need to get a good marriage counselor to help you with this and give you support especially because you are going through a deployment. That in itself can be stressful. I will be praying for you. Please stay strong and let me know if I can help. C

Just because he's in Iraq doesn't give him the right to walk all over you. In the end, he will be the only one who has to answer to his actions. I think you already know the answer to your question. Just pray for God to reveal his purpose to you. You're in my prayers.

M E
I am very sorry to say that based on your email - you are with a man who doesn't respect you and is certainly playing the field. The email between him and that woman is entirely inappropriate and is a clear sign of trouble. While I do think some marriages can survive cheating and people can correct actions - it doesn't sound like your husband has committed to being faithful.

Good luck.

My advice to you is get yourself a job and start saving your money. Make sure you can support yourself and your child and move on. He is completely disrespectful to you and he has no issues being that way. He probably thinks that because you don't have a job and your own money than you aren't going to leave him. He feels he can do whatever he wants and there are no consequences. As a single mother, full time worker and graduate student I know how it is to have kids and support them alone. You have to love yourself and know that you don't deserve to be treated this way...no one does. If he doesn't understand that what he is doing hurts you and disrespects you than he doesn't deserve you. Period. It may be hard but in the long run you are much better off as well as your child. You obviously don't trust him and you shouldn't. Without trust your marriage is destined to fail especially since he feels he is doing no wrong.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Infidelity is very painful, but it seems you already know what to do. It's just a matter of when you are ready to do it. Look, anytime you find yourself in the position of snooping, sneeking, and checking up on another, there is probably reason there and this should be an indicator. Who knows why anyone cheats. I'm sure there are many reasons. The only person you can control is you. You have two choices, to stay in this continuous cycle, where there is a great sense of betrayal or to pull yourself and your child from this needless drama to a life filled with honesty. Remember, you are not a victim when you are in control. Good Luck, my heart is with you!

My friend, look at what you have wrote. You already know the answers to your questions. First you must realize that he is a grown man and you are a grown woman and if either of you choose to have someone on the side -- you will period. He is a grown man and has a family and if he has not yet learned that everything you do in life has a consequence and a repercussion then he still has some growing up to do.DO NOT let him make you feel as if you are crazy.Stop the roll coaster of emotions --it appears that he likes you there because he can flip it around on you and make you feel as if you don't have any self worth.In my opinion -- you need to stop allowing this man or any one for that matter to walk all over you as if you were the rug in front of the door.You need to forward think you options. Counseling in an effort that you and him did but it sounds like you are back at square one again. You truly need to go soul searching and find the inner strength to do what you feel you need to do.Your chilkd eeds you and all the enery that you are spending on this is not fair to your child. Think about how many nights you mope around or have somber days because you have seen another e-mail. However, remember no matter how angry you and your husband get at one another you have a child together whom is 1/2 you and 1/2 him so watch what you say and do because children are much smarter than what they are given credit for.If your child is of age to ask questions then re-assure them that mommy and daddy love them very much and it has nothing to do with them it is adult problems and that is all they need to know period. Of course this would truly depend on the age of the child.But I do hope you get the just of what I was stating to you. Go with your gut feeling -- your head (logic) and heart (emotion)will always battle but you gut won't lead you a stray.Again re-read what you wrote--- HEAD UP -- you are a somebody--Stay Strong and be wise.....Blessing to you ...M. of VA BCH VA

Well I know guys can be a little confusing at times, but as soon as i read he wasnt changing his pw because there is nothing to hide, all that came to my mind was he knows your going to look at it and maybe he doesn't want to be the one to 'leave' so its like he WANTS you to find it. Any man that has no respect for his wife/girlfriend would write to other women talking dirty. There should be no reason for it. Whats the point he has you to talk dirty to and more. I am sure being in Iraq makes him lonely, but like the previous message he has you to do that to. Counseling is a great start but also both has to be willing. Im also a military wife & I too get to wondering, so don't feel bad because think about it.... If you were to never find anything, he could do it over and over and everyone but you will know and then you look really dumb in front of everyone. Id rather be safe than sorry. Just talk to him again and tell him ' Im with you because i love you not because I have to be, so to get my trust back you have to be willing to show me IN ANY WAY that you love me, and writing other women is not helping or showing your love and respect for me' I know its hard hearing this, but you have to think about yourself sometimes. I hope everything works out, and i hope i was of some help!