Judgmental Moms?

This has always gone on but it was subtle. You may see another mom with an out of control child or doing something you thought was wrong but you just rolled your eyes and gossiped if you knew them.

Now it is a blood sport!

With my older two I was always up at the school helping, I loved being around the other moms, with my younger kids I avoid the school like the plague.

These days it is the helicopter moms that are the problem. I would like to clearly define what is a helicopter mom. It is someone who hovers over their child AND feels everyone should hover over their children as well. These women have no shame, they will just walk up to everyone and anyone who is not parenting as they are, and tell them everything they think they are doing wrong. It caused the coining of free range and helicopter but more than some silly moniker it has caused damn near every mom to be on the defensive.

You get nailed by just one of those crazy crackers and the next person who even discusses milestones you are defending! Wana talk about household rules, defending, grades, defending!!!

I wish the moms here understood what it really means to be a helicopter mom, I highly doubt most of them really are.

I have, unfortunately, hit the point where when they get in my face I just say no worries, raise your kids as you like, someone needs to keep my fries hot in 20 years. Will that happen, I don't know, but it does make them shut up and leave me alone.

Three things that should be taboo at the dinner table are religion, politics and parenting "styles". Safe topics are "funny things kids said last week" and "minor/major accomplishments". Any talk of a "style" of parenting is always bound to get someones hackles up.

My advice is don't rise to the bait. My kid started kindergarten this last year and I've got to say, standing out in front of a classroom ten minutes before the kids are released with a bunch of hens, I can guarantee that someone is going to shock and disgust someone else. Try your best to be neutral and cut every "one upsy" off at the bud, or use humor to deflect the need to compete.

Mom1: MY son knows all his ABC's and 123's! I tried my best to make sure he knew it all before school even started. I wanted to give him a leg up on his classmates.

Mom2: Well MY daughter already knows how to READ. We hired private tutors! It was the right thing to do. I don't know about some of these mothers here who don't even bother to prep their kids before school starts. /big eye roll

Me: I'm just happy my kid stopped eating her crayons and yelling profanities before school started. Boy, I wasn't looking forward to those parent teacher conferences! Also, she's a biter. Have your kids had their tetanus shots yet?

Of course none of that's true. But you should hear the lovely lovely silence after I'm done talking.

Another trick is to always agree with the other person. It's a trick husbands learned early on, but it also works with our girlfriends. There's a saying that you can be right, or you can be happy. But you can rarely be both at the same time. So I mostly choose to be happy and let the other person think they are gods gift to parenting and I'm doing it "all wrong".

See, you got defensive at her comments like she was trying to criticize you and I don't think she was.
What works well/best for her kids is different from what works well/best for your kids.
What would be early pushing for one is right timing for another.
When she talks of what's working for her and her feelings - shrug off that feeling that she thinks her way is better for your kids too.
You ARE both right.
Hone your listening skills and don't take what you hear so personally.

I think it stems from lack of confidence, a very strong need to prove themselves the "best" hides a deep seated fear they aren't doing enough.
Or feeling guilty about not working and contributing to household finances so she has to prove how important she is as a SAHM. Deep down some moms feel they should be working and need to prove what a JOB it is to be a SAHM. Of course: Anyone who's ever been a SAHP KNOWS its a JOB! Our moms and granmoms never had to Prove it by being Super mom!

Some people take differences in parenting to mean, "Oh my gosh, she's criticizing how I'm parenting my child by saying she does it differently. She's saying her way works better and that must mean she thinks my way is wrong, therefore she's insulting me."

Well... kind of, yeah. Wrong for YOU. What isn't getting across is that wrong for you doesn't mean wrong for everyone. What also isn't getting across is that "disagreement" or "differences in parenting" doesn't mean "criticizing the other parent."

There's also a misconception that if you explain why you do or don't do something specific that that's being critical rather than informational.

We're all somewhere on the spectrum of being sensitive and self-conscious and unconfident about our parenting skills, and that's really what's coming out.

A., when I had my young kids, none of my friends and I argued over parenting methods. We didn't talk about it other than mentioning my kids' favorite toys and stuff like that. We never tried to "one-up" each other. We didn't have a "tight rope" to walk on. It wasn't important.

Why do you and your friend have to engage in this? If you didn't, you wouldn't need any tips.

Dawn

see i don't see that as a parenting thing...i see that as a personality thing.

most of us deep down think our way is "right" - that's why we do it.

but imo, it's just bad manners to play the game your friend did. rude. not being a friend. i would not be eager to hang around someone with this attitude. (it also speaks volumes - sounds like she is insecure about her kids being slightly behind yours - when there's not a thing wrong with that, as you say. every kid is different, every parent is different, and that is fine.)

My default when someone plays the "I'm better than you" card is silence. Most of my friends know better than to start that one with me.

I take all advice(wanted or otherwise) with a grain of salt and a smile.

If you start to tell me that {insert book here} or {insert doctor here} is the best way to discipline your child/do something incredible, I will smile, nod, and tune you out with a vision of you sitting on the couch in your XXL baggy Poison concert shirt and undersized underpants eating pork rinds and drinking Dew watching "Married with Children".

If you try to tell me "Ur doin' it wrong! LOL" and sound like you are speaking like "L33t5p3ak" and Valley Girl had a lovechild who's besties with a lolcat, while failbooking on your unaffordable Android that just came out today wearing so much gaudy "bling" that you look like a slot machine threw up on you, I will hand you a card http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v633/DinkyInky/artwork/... and walk away without another word to you.

This mom doesn't play well with braggarts. Well thought out advice, given in a no-nonsense, tell it like it is manner...that's always welcome. Try to make me look like I spent my child's early years covered in baby barf/poo/snot and decided to revisit the look today? Been there, done that, own the frickin' t-shirt(and rockin it with a pair of skinny jeans!).

My son's getting solid A's this term, and it's because I'm NOT AFRAID TO FAIL, and I'm NOT AFRAID TO IGNORE YOUR BRAGGING.

Getting off the rant-o-rama carousel now.

You're an awesome Mama, DEAL WITH IT!

It's difficult with people who truly want to have that contest. I'll be honest, when I posit an opinion/perspective that might be different than my friend's, I might mention something I have read, more to share information than anything else because I work in childcare and find the topic endlessly fascinating. I'm always learning, and like to share insights/helpful articles with friends. Using discretion means that I don't bring them up as an argument to a friend's position, but more as a "hey, did you read that? What did you think?" I'd say that, used this way, sharing information draws me closer to that other mother. Sometimes (a lot) moms need empathy, not another bit of advice. So I try to keep "are they asking for advice or just venting" in my mind for the moment.

I don't know if that is what your friend is feeling, or not-- competitiveness or a need to justify herself because she's still finding her way or feels challenged that you are doing things differently than she is. I do know that there is a whole culture of judgment/strong opinions on different aspects of parenting, and friction can arise very easily. We have a lot to learn from each other, however, the messages get lost in the comparisons. One easy example to call out would be Pamela Druckerman's book "Bringing Up Bebe", where the examples of French parenting are painted as perfection and American parents are universally vilified in order to boost her own argument. Tarring all parents with the same brush doesn't help in the least, and obfuscates the suggestions which might actually be helpful because we have taken such umbrage at the assumptions and tone the author uses in describing her prospective audience. The good points are lost because the presentation is so odious.

And this is what I think happens at moms groups or in those conversations: one parent wants to assert their opinion/idea/method, but instead of saying "have you considered" or "oh, you know, we tried X and it worked really well...something to keep in mind" (and keeping the conversation open), I instead hear absolute statements about everything from potty training to red-shirting, and many derisive statements to boot. This is where it's easy to get our hackles up. I think many of us have friends who parent similarly to us in some ways and differently in others-- if we can abide by those differences by acknowledging them with support and empathy, we allow more space in the friendship (much like any other topic)... if we are concerned about always 'doing it the best way', we're going to fail anyway.

My step-mom has a great saying: "You can be *right*, or you can have friends." I really like that one; it forces us to choose our ultimate priority and to act on it. I have friends who parent differently than I do, but all of our kids are happy and healthy-- and still young, too. The proof is in the pudding, but our 'little puddins' have about 15 more years to cook! Too soon to know!

I think "sharing" info becomes a bit of a "my way vs. your way" no matter what. You admit you push your kids, and by definition that may be off-putting to her. And there are experts who will argue every side of an issue (including the "pushing"), so when you say that you've never seen any psychological issues coming out of potty-training a 20 month old, you're ignoring the many studies that say it's a bad idea. I'm not saying they're right - I'm just saying there is plenty of research out there and plenty of parenting books that say just the opposite, in the same bookstore and alongside the books by people who potty trained at 20 months. None of us can keep up with every book written by a pediatrician or a child psychologist. We all tend to subscribe to the experts who agree with us anyway!

Women take a lot of heat as SAHMs - we don't get paid, we don't get time off, we're not valued by others (friends, our own parents, sometimes our spouses). So when we are contradicted in any way, we take it personally and consider it a challenge. Or we feel we need to justify our own philosophy. You have no idea how much criticism she might be getting from other influences in her life, or how much she's being told that her child's "delay" in ______(fill in the blank with walking, talking, eating solids, knowing letters and numbers, painting something to be hung in the art museum...!) is HER fault.

We need to admit that, while we say we don't think there's anything "wrong" with the other's approach, if we really thought it was "right", we'd be doing it! So I think it's better to stay off the subject entirely. At least with those whom we easily offend.

You can just have talks about children in general with some people, but not all.

It will depend on their maturity level and personality...and also on yours..

It is hard because some people just naturally feel intimidated and defensive in general. They make conversations based on or all about themselves, rather than be able to speak in general..

I have a particularly close group of women friends and will still do that! At the same time if one of us has a child who is struggling, we never say, well, if you had just... We still support each other through thick and thin.

I don't know what's inside of us that makes us competitive. I do know what's outside that does it. The slew of parenting advise of "experts", along with this study and that study, and this survey and that survey. Oy.

It makes you believe your child is a blank slate just waiting for your input or your chance to screw them up. So every decision is analyzed to death and each decision is huge and each grade they get is actually your parenting grade.

In giving media power to spew facts and not so facts, and I am saying we are just as bad, individually, we put enormous pressure on ourselves and by default, our kids. When TV was just about cartoons or the grown up news, parents just did. Now we have to listen to a world of inspection.

This forum also judges everyday. With very little evidence. But you can get a kind of middle of the road consencisis. There are extremes on both sides of a post but you can pan for the golden nugget of experience. Not so wthe pounding of information.

I guess what I am saying is some people take all that noise in stride and some take it as gospel. The truth is that most will be ok and some will fail and some will exceed. Same as every age on this earth. Keep gleaning for the nuggets and let others try to claim they have the perfect solutions because you can't stop it. But you can avoid it ; )

I don't get into the "best" parent conversations and change the subject. I tend to be like you and challenge my little ones because I know they are capable, my guy potty trained completely by 26 months. It doesn't make me the better mom, it just worked for us so is possible. So I share my advice only to be helpful and hopefully give insight.

Some parents were competitive before parenthood and it carries over. To me being the "best" parent is being the best parent to your own child, loving, training, guiding, teaching, disciplining in the ways that offer and brings out the best in them.

Don't get into the conversations, smile and move on, in the conversation or leave :)