Why Do We Become Angry When Someone Says Something About Our Kids

You seem to know that your kids have issues already which you are addressing as needed. I think you get angry because you are doing your best which isn't good enough in another mom's eyes. When the other mom brings up issues you fight back because you think she thinks you are a terrible mom.

I think you need to step back and put yourself in the other mom's position. Is her child being bullied by yours? Did you child lie about something that was important to hers? She isn't going to see how you are coping with your child since all she's interested in is her kid's well being.

This is easy. As mothers and Fathers, we are our childrens ONLY advocates. So....some of us jump at defending our kids when they feel they always get the raw deal. And some of us, tend to listen first. Does not make us bad parents either way. We are just doing our jobs the best way we know how. Even if it isnt the way you would do it.

because we take it personally instead of objuectively. put yourself in the other person's shoes to see what they are taling about.

It's typical that we get upset when others speak about our children in a negative way. I have a 16 year old son and he is a brat and a class clown...but if someone else outside the family circle says that, I get all defensive too. He's my baby.

There are reasons why kids act differently at home. Rules being the main reasons. We all have experienced peer pressure and the desire to fit in. Some kids turn into the popular kids, the jocks,, the class clowns, the geeks, the dorks...and the bullies. Bullies are generally those who are insecure (low self-esteem) and play a part in school to hide that fact. They think that no one will like them if they are "weak" or nice, so they take on a persona to either get looked up to or feared. It's a defense mechanism.

There are also cases where bullies at school are made to feel weak and useless at home by a parent or both. I'm not saying that's your case, but that's why they act out in school and society...the only place they feel they have any control.

BTW, I am a counselor at a juvenile detention center and a mom of four very different kids ages ranging from 22yrs. to 2 1/2 yrs. old.

Nanc

We moms love our kids so much, and they feel like a real reflection of ourselves. When someone says something negative about our kids or their behavior, it's very hard not to get defensive. Guilt, shame, protectiveness- these all come out very quickly!

Unless you are friends with the other mom, I think it makes more sense to speak with the teacher or other adult in charge. Let them handle the communication. If you are friends with the person, tread carefully and respectfully. This mom is probably not intentionally teaching her child behaviors that you disapprove of. And even a friend will feel attacked (and respond defensively), if you say something about her child.

It's a tough situation, and you have to weigh your choices carefully. If a child is in danger, then obviously that's the most important thing. So speak up! But if it's something regarding personal choice (hygiene, manner issues, etc.) then I would stay out of it.

We can only control our own responses, after all. Not anyone else's!

Dear Natalia,

I really recommend the book "Of Woman Born" by Adrienne Rich. Not all of it may speak to you, but the author writes beautifully and compellingly about the absurd expectations that our society has for mothers, and the limitless blame that all mothers experience. It's as though every kid must be above average in every way, and if a kid is just a kid -- with an unwiped nose or a public tantrum (mine always seems to save his for the grocery store), of if a child isn't perfectly socialized by the age of 5, than that kid must have a "Bad Mother." And we feel equal measures of guilt and anger. It's completely normal.

All that said, I want to, as gently as I can, recommend trying to see things from the other mom's perspective as well. Bullying is a huge deal. I don't think it should even be called bullying; that trivializes it, and the effect it has on children. I was bullied pretty much nonstop from kindergarten through 5th grade, was completely friendless, etc. The teachers did absolutely nothing, never reported it. More than anything else in my life, that has shaped who I am -- smart (sometimes anyway), and with a critical, questioning attitude, but also painfully shy and reflexively mistrustful. My biggest fear as a mom is that my son will go through that, and I want more than anything in the world to prevent it.

So, as the other mom approaches you, I imagine she's probably shaking and not sure what to say; she's probably feeling like a "Bad Mom" for the fact that this happened to her child. The urge to defend -- it happens simultaneously, on both sides.

I hope this made some sort of sense, and I wish you the best,

Mira

Hi N.,

Good Question, I've asked the same thing myself.

I would say this, our kids reflects us - our insecurities, our subconscience fears,regrets and we put so much hope and dreams into our babies.
We fall in love with them.
My daughter was my angel from heaven.
She was the glass of water to a thirst I didn't even know I had.
I think at that time if you told me anything contrary to what I believed ot the way I saw her (all sweetness and goodness) I would get pissed.
But a funny thing happened in first grade.
She was fighting with a girl in her class.
The mom and I loved each other (we're bestfriends now)and the girls could not stand each other.
The ugly side of my daughter reared its head.
She waited for the little girl's mother (the mom is a twin) to tell on the little girl. She did this every day until my friend called me and told me.
My daughter admitted it and cried.
I made her apologize.

The moral of the story?
After that I realized that she was a human being with all emotions associated with that - and that I would never put anything past her again - she's not an angel.
BUT, I still love her and support and protect her.

I think normal parents come to terms with this they don't say, "Not my child." they say, "What happened?" and try to find out the full story.

Some parents never come to that.

I know how you feel. The rules you play by as a parent are not necessarily the rules other people use to parent their kids. Many people are afraid to talk about what is wrong about their kids behavior because they think it will reflect on their parenting.
BUT what they don't seem to want to acknowledge is their parenting is still reflected in their children's behavior. If you are hiding some bad news about your kids, about anything and you feel shame you teach that behavior to your children.
That's my opinion and I want to add another possibility but from the opposite end of the spectrum, they are just judgemental and think they are better than you.

Hi Natalia,
As parents we love our children sooo much sometimes this can lead to denial about their behavior even when we have seen it for ourself. Not only, as humans, we sometimes have difficulty recognizing problems and flaws within ourselves. It seems you have accepted your kids as not being perfect and are aware of their flaws and wish to correct them the best that you can, but other parents often, cannot accept it and won't.
I had a mother in the past year accuse my daughter of doing some nasty things to her daughter. As the situation unfolded, it became apparent that her daughter was doing the nasty things and not just to my daughter, but to others as well. The mother could not accept it and pinned the blame on my daughter instead. There are a psychological terms for it called displacement or even scapegoating, but not everyone learns about it. I think better put, "the truth hurts."

Hi Natalie,
I think we love our kids sooo much and with all our hearts believe that we are raising little angels. When an outsider says something negative we want to rip their heads off. I think that's a natural response. I also think that one parent wouldn't approach another without cause (unless you know that they're completely nuts), and think we need to hear them out calmly. As kids get older they learn to fib. Whenever I ask my son why he got in trouble he either shrugs or says the teacher or whoever else hates him and he did nothing. It's all natural and we were the same way growing up. I think talking to your kids is great, but you'll never really know what happened. All you can do is teach them between right and wrong and pray it helps them in life. However, if someone accuses a child of being a bully I would take that more seriously and deal with them appropriately. Additionally, there may be a better way to approaching a mother of a child. More friendly rather than accusatory. Adults should be able to talk to each other, especiacially when it regards their children without acting like children. If that doesn't work, try talking to the teacher or counselor at the school.

K.

IT'S CALLED PRIDE!!!! and we all suffer from it some worse than others. It is embarrasing to be told of the bad our child had done. I speak from experience!! I have a strong willed, sometimes troublesome child in 2nd grade. She can be a dream OR a nightmare depending on the moment. I have to be careful to listen and then ask her (and others) the truth without jumping her case right away. I think we get more defensive if the parent it comes from has a trouble child and won't hear it but dishes it out! I had a person who thought their child "would never do that!" when I told her something I witnessed and then she replied "well, do you know what your kid did?" all with attitude!!!! I was ready to KILL her!!! I didn't doublt my kid had done "that" but she was not willing to admit her kid was wrong.

Our kids are our "pride and joy" so to speak and when they are being accused right or wrong it gets our defenses up. I try to say "Ok I will take care of it when we get home" and leave it at that. (Then I get to it at home!) Also if I need to speak to a parent about a problem I go IN PRIVATE and say something like "I just want you to know what happened (fill in when and where) between your child and mine." Then fill in the details without anger. Most of the time 1 child is not completely at fault (sometimes they are). Then if there were consequenses to your child from you tell them that to so you are accepting your child was not shameless and has had some type of consequenses for misbehavior.

We as parents know our kids aren't perfect we just don't want others to know because they may think that WE ARE NOT PERFECT! Us looking bad is also a HUGE part of the defense that rises!

Good luck dealing with problems in the future to all parents out there! Lets try to handle to problem the way we would want it to be handled if WE were the other side !!!!! A.

Thank you for your wonderful post..

I tend to think a child misbehaving becomes a reflection of their parenting. "I'm doing the best I can do, so not my child"....the first reaction is defensive...second reaction is to defend the child...when in fact they are really defending themselves.....
Excepting the complaint, listening, questioning and dealing with it properly becomes another problem to deal with in an already heavy schedule. In most cases when they finally get the child home, the child experiences the parents frustation instead of being questioned, and corrected on what he/she probably had done wrong in the first place.
It's takes a healthy self esteem and self confidence to realize the complaint isn't an attack on their parenting.

N.
it's simple, because you can't say something bad about my kids :)
i can say something about my kids, but you can't. i know my kids inside and out, all the faults and gold that they have. i don't need someone else to tell me something about my kids unless my kids have done something to your kids. that's it. and if someone says something about my kids, i'll call them inappropriate to their face and hope they never say anything again. i have had one instance from a family member saying 'poor their future husbands.' i thought it was inappropriate, hurtful and have never forgiven her for saying that.

oh yeah! this is tough. Especially in a small cmmunity
I think it is...because we see criticism of our children as a direct criticism of ourselves, our parenting, our family, our philosophy, even our religion.
You are right. Kids have many faces. Different environments bring out different aspects of any person. And kids are experimenting with who they are to themselves and to others all the time.
When I really need to tell another parent something about their own child, I try hard to frame my concern in a positive. I try hard to praise first and raise my concern second. I know it is hard.
And if I get a comment, I take it in and refelect before I speak. I think what we often miss in this exchange is patience. Assume the other parent is trying to make things right. Assume they know what is going on and have done theor best, first. I find that really helps.

And still tensions arise...

But the more we talk about it and consider how to talk to one another, the better we can get at commmunicating.
-M.

Hi Natalia
I love how you word your question.
Why can't you walk up to someone and tell them that their kid did something to yours? Because you are defending your child and they are defending theirs.
Everyone has different values, and just because you would never allow your child to bite, scream, hit, push, or name your poison does not mean that it is not allowed in another household. That is true whether it is at school or on a playground. A wise preschool teacher will remind herself often that you can't change what mommy allows.
We all know our children are not perfect, but since other kids are not either mom's should always wonder what happened before what you are telling them happened. You should too.
Let me just tell you about our oldest. We moved to a new home and therefore in 3rd grade he went to a new school. The rule in our house is no fighting. Kids were picking on him, you know new kid on the block and all. I kept telling him they would leave him alone if he just didn't worry about what they were saying. Finally it is escalating to not just words but hard "pats on the back". We would call hitting, shoving. His father finally said why do you let them push you around. Many weeks of this went on, and finally I guess he had had enough(he was willing to take our punishment for hitting) and he belted the kid in the stomach, big time, the kid went to the nurse etc. Long story, but the librarian never wrote him up. She said the other kid got what he deserved and he had deserved it for months.
Years later I asked the mom about it, she had never heard. They never called her. My guess is he wasn't supposed to do that either. From then on, sorry but if someone is bullying the rule was no fighting but you got one punch. Never did he need to do it again. Years later when I talked to the Librarian she said word got around that he was tougher than he looked.
I still don't advocate fighting, but neither do I think our children should be put in a position of Post traumatic syndrome, as I have heard about because teacher never caught the kids. Personally I think teachers should be more aware of what is happening in the classroom. Librarian was and never reported our son. Nurse didn't either.
My way is to let kids deal with their own problem their own way. If you see it, you correct it, and assume that others who are in charge are doing the same. If the child doesn't get caught then perhaps someone else's wasn't caught either. So they got away with something. That is called mercy, and I am thankful when people show me mercy.
Just some food for thought
God bless you
K. SAHM married 38 years ---- adult children --- 37, coach; 32, lawyer, married with 6 mo; and twins 18, college students after homeschooling with 3.7 and 3.8 GPAs