Dealing with Bullys

This is a difficult situation. You can talk to the daycare worker to see what she thinks of the situation. Maybe she can observe and let you know exactly what is going on. Kids have a way of telling their side and not the other side.

If you are together outside of daycare, maybe you should try to listen in and observe what is going on. What is being said before the bullying starts.

Hi T. I wish your daughter would just walk away when this bully comes around her. If her friends would do the same maybe this bully would realize what she is doing to her own self. I know when our daughter was herassed by her classmate she would cry and I told her if she didn't run he couldn't chase her. She finally listened and stood her ground instead of running and he found out he wasn't having fun anymore. This has been many years ago but good luck to your daughter. K.

I think that bullys are acting out from other things in their lives that are frustrating them. They take their frustrations out on others. The child needs to learn how to deal with anger and find better outlets for frustrations in her life.

As a parent, you have to protect your child. There will always be bullys in a person's life. If we can't handle it ourselves, we need others to stand up for us. Therefore, this issue needs to be brought to the attention of the daycare attendents. If it were ourselves and there was a mean person we worked with, we would bring that poor behavior to the attention of our lead, supervisor or manager. Mean behavior prevents cooperation, communication and a good working environment.

The daycare needs to punish the child for being mean and talk to her to see why she is upset. They can give the child an area to play by herself, craft items to draw out why she is upset, sports or activities to wear her body out to release pent up anger, etc. The daycare has a responsibility to take care of your children, as does the school system, etc. They have a legal responsibility to do something about the poor behavior and address the problem. The child probably needs family counseling to figure out what the real problems are because acting out is just a symptom of something more serious in her life.

I disagree on making her work it out herself. No child should have to put up with bullies, T.. And children who do, remember it all their lives - yes, seriously - all their lives. My mother was bullied, and is 78 years old. She remembers it like it was yesterday. My husband was bullied, and remembers it all too well.

We do not allow our children to be bullied. We step in when we see it happening, and reprimand the bully in front of everyone. Sometimes the bully's parent will confront us and we'll tell it like it is - we won't tolerate the child's behavior. Often, the parent is as bad as the child! Apples don't fall far from the tree, I guess.

Our children know that if we are not there, they are to 1) use their words, tell the bully to stop, 2) get an adult if there is one nearby, and 3) walk away WITH whomever is on their side. If there is a group, and most of the kids are uncomfortable with the bully, my 9 year old son will say, for example, "Jake, you are not a kind or respectful person, and I don't want to be around you. Come on, guys, let's get away from him." And the other boys will follow my son.

If it ever is physical, and walking away doesn't end it (the bully follows them) then they have my husband's and my backing on defending themselves. We don't care what the school policy is, if someone hits my kid repeatedly, and no one at the school is doing anything about it, my kid's going to hit back. Unfortunately, that has happened one time. (But the bully never touch my son again.)

Best of luck to your daughter. Please keep reminding her that you are on her side, and remember that you are her champion and protector. She is still a child. If she can't rely on you, who else can she turn to?

I feel your pain. I am a child care provider and have delt with bullies many times. My first instinct is to tell you to discipline the child with a time out each time she misbehaves when she is in your house. I am wondering now if the child is acting out to get attention. I was able to change a child's behavior by giving them attention when they did something nice. I know these nice times maybe few and far between but the child needs to be acknowledged when she does a nice or has good behavior. You need to protect your child from being hurt. Talk to the childcare and find out how the child was disciplined for making your child cry. They may not be able to tell you but let me asure you that most child care providers do not tolerate bullies. If this child's behavior is upsetting you this much you need to talk to your friend. Your friend may not see the behavior or choose to ignore the bahavior. You may have to show your friend the behavor by video taping the children playing maybe without the children knowing. I know this may sound bad but a child that lies makes their parent believe the lies until the parent sees the truth usually by witnessing the act them selves. The last thing I want to say is which relationship is more important you and your daughter or you and your firend. Good luck

I'm dealing with similiar situation myself- the best I can figure so far is to teach my children how to deal with peers who mistreat them- I want them to have the confidence and tools to handle bullies when I'm not around (like kindergarten this fall!). Truth is that this will be a repeating scenario as our children grow- just in different context. Philosophies aside, I've been trying to hang out with my friend "w/o the kids" and when they do play together, I discuss strategies for my kids if issues arise- especially to choose to walk away and tell the bully you're not playing with them if they act this way...

We are talking about 9 year olds? Nine is old enough that the children should own their actions and reactions. You will NEVER be able to change your friend's child, you can only give your child the tools to handle these situations.
Talk about it! In specific terms. Do not generalize to "when kids do this", name the child and say "when (mary) hits, or says means things...this is what you do". I have found that being direct with my children they get the message clearly and they learn that they can talk to me about things that are bothering them without feeling judged. Tell your daughter to walk away from her, to say directly "you're being mean, I don't like that". Teach your daughter to be the woman you would want her to be...confident, compassionate, forgiving, and just.
Another mom once told me that you have to let your children "own" their conflicts, she meant that you can't solve their problems and stress yourself over their inner and outer lives. They have their own lives despite how connected we as moms feel to them. Give her the tools and have faith.

As far as the mom goes, you may have to distance yourself or find environments in which there is less conflict...outdoor settings, sporting events, just not in the house where everyone is on top of each other.

Hi T.,
we too have a bully friend (my middle daughters best friend), the bad thing is, is this girl has everyone blind..funny thing no one ever sees their child being "the bad guy", I know my kids aren't angels and far from being saints, my kids are bullies at times too..I know that. The thing is, is how we adults discipline our children. Anyhow, my daughter and her best friends are now, not as close as they can be...I don't know what happened much other than her friend had called my daughter a fat nasty pig to my oldest daughter (due to the fact that she was irritated with her sister..(since she's older, she thought she can relate to my oldest..and able to knock my middle daughter down with the name calling and harrassing...and what happened it caused my oldest daughter to rebel and cuss at this little girl, she had gotten pretty irrate with her, due to the fact she broke her sisters heart. Not a good thing on either half. Than there she started cyberbullying my middle child with her friends and my oldest daughter, which I keep records of my kids and their activity. So than I put a stop to my kids being at the computer and saying mean things to and about other kids. We have called my middle childs mother and had explained what happend and went on between the 3 girls...she swears up and down her daughter didn't do a thing. We pulled up the archives and sent them to her email on which all 3 were saying to each other and all...she than tried to bring up the past things that happened in school which was already delt with by the homeroom teacher, the classroom teacher and the principal...along with the councelor and myself. I don't know how she delt with her daughter, but mine had written an apology note to the teachers, to the other students and to the girls that she was having problems with. Some times talking it over with the people who are taking care of the kids during the day/afternoon sometimes helps, and talking to both parents helps alot too..if they want anything done. I like to get to the bottom of things, before things get worse and than we have all this gossiping and bullying and school fights...We also talk to the kids about their situation and question them about it. We usually get everything resolved. :) Good Luck!

So you have a friendship that you want to keep. Then you have nothing to lose by being truthful. You need to let the mother know that because you are friends you need to be candid about the behavior of her child. Let her know that she is a bully and you have gotten to the point of seriously considering excluding her from activities because her behavior is so disruptive. Let her know that from now on, the bullying will not be acceptable at your house and if she is there and bullying others, you will put her in time out and you will have her call her mother and tell her what she did. (By the way, this is something that always worked for me with other people''s children: I make the child tell the parent what s/he did) somehow the threat of confession straightens up the behavior.) At least she will know why her child will become the most unpopular kid in the room. No one has told her the behavior is not okay and it has consequences. You are too busy consolling the victims. Meanwhile, she got her way.

I think you husband is correct. Let them work it out. We can't be there every second of everdyday to fight our childs' battles and what a perfect opportunity for your daughter to practice. Maybe offer her some ways she can handle certain situations and also provide her with support.

Hi T.. I would have a sit down chat with your friend when the kids aren't around. It is hard to believe that she wouldn't notice these things, but maybe she has tried to handle the problem and is out of ideas or ways to stop the behavior. Also, if your two young ones can't get along, well, you two adults can still be friends, just don't include the kids on your outings. Make it just mommie time. Best of Luck!

You have mentioned things that this child does so does this mean you have witnessed them for yourself. You should say something to this child WHEN you hear or see it happening. If your friend has a problem with you correcting her daughter then tell her the truth. No one wants to be around her. The daycare staff should be able to help you out in this area too because they should be informing the mother of her inappropriate behavior if they are not, they are not doing their job. It is your job to protect your child and if the other girl is getting physical with some of the other children it is no longer time to let them work it out. You could tell your child to just walk away but I know from experience that this does not always help. And as harsh as it may seem, if your being honest with your best friend doesn't go so well, you can always find another friend.

Up to a point your husband has the right idea. Your child may be over reacting because they are not used to being treated poorly by others and need to develope a shell as well.

How does your friend react when her child is lying about someone? Does she scold the child, let it go, what? Are the other children always the problem or does she see where her child is creating situations as well?

Praying about a problem helps us to deal better with it however, sometimes we have to talk it out at the source. If you do not let your friend know there is a problem with her child she may not be aware of it. I would take the time to discuss the problem with your friend. Tell her you enjoy her company, would like to continue to be friends with her but it will have to be at times when the children are not forced to be together if something can't be done to help her child to share and enjoy with the other children better.

I was an only child so I sympathize with your daughter.
It is all well and good to let them work it out on their own if they are just having a spat, but this is something different.
I would withdraw from these people gradually as long as "mother" refuses to curb her daughter's behavior.
Your first obligation is to your daughter, not to your friend.
Your so-called friend is NOT that when she allows her child to treat your daughter and others this way.
If she asks you why your relationship is changing, tell her.
Why would you subject your impressionable daughter to such negative and abusive behavior?
Look at it from her point of view...."Why does my mother let her 'friend's' daughter treat me this way?"
If you don't stand up for her, who else will?
I would never hesitate to correct another child if he or she was behaving abusively to my child or even another child....
especially in the presence of parents' who are in denial.
At the least I would remove my child from the situation.

Since this is your best friends child, I would have to assume she would want to know of the behavior, if she doesn't already. And that she would want to know that it is disturbing to you, and that you don't want your child(ren) exposed to it. Also, there may be something going on with her child that is making her act out like this that she needs to delve into.

I think situations is very touchy but if it is bothering you this much you need to talk to your friend. If you have been friends for a while she should know that you are not attackiong her child. The next time the child starts something ask the mother how she is going to handle it. If she doesn't respond take the lead and talk to the child yourself in front of her mother.
I had this problem with a good friend and I had to just start disciplining the child as I would my own. Eventually he realized he could not ast this way whne I was around. It saved our friendship. We are still friends and have been since the seventh grade.
Also I would talk to your own child, she is 9 so she can start learning how to deal with difficult people. Let her know what you find acceptable and explain that what the other kid is doing is not, then give her suggestions on how to walk away from the situation before she gets so upset that she cries. Good Luck K.

T.,

I agree with the other moms who say you've got to address it with the people at the day care.

I also think you should talk to the mother and bluntly ask her how SHE wants you to handle the dicipline. "You know that Susan and Mary have been having this problem, how do you want me to talk to your daughter about it when it happens, because It's at a point where I'm really going to have to intervene."

She's either going to balk at what you are asking, and here's where you can give some specific examples about what she's been doing to your daughter. No one wants to be reminded of the shortcomings of their children, and she may get pretty defensive. But remind her that you two are friends and that you want to work together to take care of the problem.

If your friend is not open to dealing head on with this situation, you'll have to actively distance yourself from this family.

Like the other poster said, give your daughter specific ways to deal with the bullying. "When Susan says THIS, tell her 'if you are going to continue to talk to me that way, I'm leaving'" etc. Do some roll playing. Get your daughter comfortable with using a strong voice. And remind her that she's worthy of a freindship with caring and sweetness. If 'Susan' isn't going to be caring and sweet, Susan is NOT ALLOWED to play with her. Tell your daughter that only good people are allowed to be her friend because she's worth it.

Good luck to you and your daughter. Let us know what happened!

J.

This is what I did as my own mother before me.
If I witness the childs bad behavior then I send the child home and tell her "When you can behave and get along with the other kids, then you can come back over but at least not until tomorrow" If you witness this again the next day she is over then push it to 2 days. The child and her parents start to get the hint there is a problem.
The Daycare personel should be the ones to handle the problems at the daycare. If you have concerns then voice them to the Director of the Daycare. I'm sure they are very aware of the problems already.

Hope this helps!!!!
Good Luck!!

As wonderful as your husband might be, bullying is not something you can leave to the children, hoping they will "work it out." Bullies should be confronted any time they act out. When the children are at your home, you should react to the bullying behavior at once by letting the bully know she is out of line and by letting the victim(s) know you're aware that they have been treated unfairly.

Bullying does not stop. If no one in authority takes action to nip it in the bud, the children don't get the idea that anything that's happening is out of the ordinary. Behavior patterns like this can be a powder keg for their development.

I don't know if you and your friend are fond of reading, but I have an idea.

I recently read a novel called "19 Minutes," by Jodi Picoult. It deals with the demoralizing effect bullying has on children and the devastation it can cause within their social circles. You could read it and then recommend it to your friend. That would be a subtle way of opening her eyes to bullying behavior. It's possible she might begin to see her daughter's behavior as a red flag, and she will address it on her own. If not, at least you will have a springboard from which to approach the subject with her.

Wishing you the best of luck.

It's awful to say, but girls are cruel to each other. My 15 yo niece lived with me for a year and she was bullied at school and on the school bus. My husband had the same answer as yours- she needs to learn to deal with it on her own, because that's how life is and we won't be there to hold her hand forever. We ended up having meetings with the guidance counselor to get a better idea of what was going on and see if she could help us take care of it. We also had to call the police about our neighbor kids because it got out of hand and the school wouldn't do anything to fix the situation. Unfortunately, this is a part of life we hate to see our children have to go through, but in reality it happens way too often. You definitely need to talk to your friend about this before it goes on any longer. She might be so naive to think that her daughter is sweet and innocent that she doesn't see her hurtful actions. This child is probably starving for attention and if she gets negative attention, she feels that's better than nothing. But it's not your job to build up her self esteem and praise her for her good deeds. That needs to start in the home. You need to protect your child first. After my niece left, we got to know our neighbors a little better and the kids turned out to be wonderful. Very kind and polite. Not sure if they needed the police to scare them into it, or if my niece provoked them into being cruel to her. Without witnessing everything, we'll never know. Good luck!

A friend of mine has 3 boys, and they're all brats to the hilt because she doesn't bother disciplining them. One of them cracked me over the back with his "light saber" (a long cardboard tube painted green), and kept going - the mother did nothing. Finally, I reached around, grabbed him, laid him in my lap, looked in right in the face, and said, "We do NOT hit." Of course, he started screaming "Mommyyyyy...." My friend said, "She's not hurting you." I was FURIOUS.

First of all, I'd stop inviting them over. You can't control other kids, or the way the parents choose to (or not to) discipline them. If your friend asks what's going on, carefully and graciously explain to her that you've noticed her child has a hard time around the other kids, and until those issues get resolved, you'd rather not expose her to your children any more than you have to at this point.

If I were a betting person, I'd say that this poor child is acting out to get attention from her parents...negative attention is better than none. Whatever issues come out during the play dates is a result of a more serious problem inside the home.

In a way, you're husband is right. Typically they can work it out on their own. You know how? One of the kids finally "has had enough", hauls off and clocks the kid, which usually puts a stop to the bully's actions. Not sure I completely condone that, but I wouldn't stop it from happening either. It's one of those "Karma" things - what goes around comes around.

I remember when I was a kid, there was this boy at the pool who just kept bothering me. One day, he threw a tennis ball at me - hit me right in the chest. I had had enough - grabbed the ball, chased him around the pool, towards the tennis courts, out through the parking lot....never did catch him, but never had him do stuff like that to me again.

Keep a watchful eye and see what happens, but meanwhile, I'd proably stop asking your friend over until her kid starts behaving.

You are in a tough situation. I've ended 2 relationships because of issues between their daughters and mine. I think your husband is right except maybe the school will have to handle it if the situation continues. YOu also have to decide what is important here and what the outcome is that you want. It is never easy. The one I handled tactfully and we talk infrequently but the other one we don't talk at all. Neither were my good friends. Obviously your friend needs to see this behavior for herself and the school may be a great way to get it aired out without having you to get involved but if that doesn't work you need to make a decision and then understand the consequences and let it go. Good luck to you.

I say do everything.
1-Teach (role play) your child how to handle herself; you can't alwats be there. It's CRUCIAL she learns how to look someone in the eye, not down, and be very clear she's not the one to pick on! My daughter has used "back off!!" and it worked instantly.

2-Heart to heart w/ the friend. Don't come across as assusatory or she'll be defensive.

3-Step in and speak to the child yourself the way a parent or caretaker should. I've had to do this in public places where I cannot locate a parent. Action should be SWIFT AND FIRM as soon as you see it start.
Have confidence and teach confidence to your daughter =)

T., one thing that really helped my son learn how to handle bullies was role playing. He and I practiced with the things he or other kids had been told, how he could respond, what the bully might say back, etc. Practice it more than once, until your daughter feels more confident to speak up and tell the other girl to back up and quit being such a brat.

Also, as noted in one other response, the day care should be doing something about the girl if she's causing so much trouble. Speak up and make sure they're aware of what's going on and have a plan to deal with her.

And not to be mean, but your husband had a typical guy response. My son's father would talk to my son and tell him to just punch the bully, with me saying no...that'll just get him suspended from school. You can never just ignore bullies and let the kids work it out. It just saps the self confidence straight out of the kids being bullied.

Good luck!

P.

I don't think that I would wait any longer to do something
about this situation, I would definetly start working on
get this thing resolved. I don't think the children will
be able to work anything out on their own if they could
they would have already done something about I. Even if you
lose your friend it's better to lose her then to lose your
children and sometimes we have to step in, if we don't it's
for sure that no one else will look out for them and it's our job to take care of them. So I would talk to your friend
and tell her how you feel let her know that her childs behavior is unacceptable, if she won't do anything tell her
they are not welcome in your home as long as her daughter
acts like that. Hope everything works out for you. I hope
you don't have to lose a friend over this either.

K.

Your daughter's happiness comes first no matter who it hurts along the way. Friends will come and go in her lifetime and it's a shame that you must teach about nasty behavior at this time but you must. You never want your daughter to come back later and say I didn't tell you because of how you handled that bully situation when I was younger. I would also notify the daycare that you don't want this to be an issue and if so they need to be seperated and you notified. Good luck with your situation.

Let thing work themselves out???? For how long? HOW much worse does it have to get?? Ignorance is NOT the way to solve it. That may be a man's way....but it's NOT the solution. Time tends to make things worse, not better.

Talk to the mother, pray (ventilate vertically and ask God to give you the words and opportunity) and jot down things you want to say. ASK is there is anything that she thinks your child is doing to provoke. This will tend to difuse things from the get go rather than approach with an accusatory tone.

THEN.....tell her your concerns. Ask her if she were in your shoes what she'd do. Approach her as a concerned friend and I think your friendship will be stronger. Let her know you have a concern for BOTH daughters and how this will effect both of them in the future. There is obviously a concern for BOTH of them.