Kids to Help W/the House?

Every member of the house contributes to the household, end of story. Everyone has to do chores, end of story. Everyone is responsible for their own stuff, to their ability, end of story.

I read this earlier and then fell back to sleep, now you have updated with a SWH that has given me a completely different response.

You feel unappreciated. While, I think, that's understandable your attitude is a little ouf of place. Please go back and read Gamma G's advice. Then read it again.

Your post should actually be something along the lines of "How do hubby and I get on the same page as far as responsibilites for the home" or "How should I blend a family when we are not all on the same page as far as parenting styles go".

No, if your SD mom expects her to do NOTHING and her dad expects her to do NOTHING then (while you are crazy) you are certainly not going to win the "I expect her to act like a child who was raised in a responsible home" war..... which is what you appear to be waging.

She's bratty cuz her mom is bratty and her dad is doing nothing to help. You're focused on laundry and attitude of a teenager because that's easier to focus on than the fact that your husband made a baby with a woman, didn't stay to raise that baby and is now reaping what he sowed. This is fairly common and I feel very bad for this 15 year old who has NO ONE who is truly on her side.

You can be a b*tch... demand respect and whip her into shape..... certainly that's one option. Will it work? Nope, she's 15.

What I would do is what a lot of the mama's have suggested.... become her friend and her teacher. Prepare her to be the kind of mom she never had. The kind you think you are with your bio child.

Second, if your bio child is 4 (I am assuming, since you say you're only going to be a SAHM for another year) and is taking ALL your attention... so much that you can't spare an hour or two a day to parent your SD (not do her laundry.... but interact with her) then you are not raising your little one to be inter-dependent and function within a family. That's too bad. You're raising your bio-child to feel inherently different (and better) than your SD and that's too bad.... for BOTH of them and for you and your husband.

To pull a "i'm going to do nothing and see what gets done" smacks of immaturity on your part, both as a parent and as a wife. The responsible adult thing to do is start talking to your husband about what kind of home life the two of you want to have and how you are going to achieve it AS A PARENTING TEAM.
If you don't know how to communicate effectively this way, then I suggest you see a counselor (either alone or with your husband) who can help you (both) more effectively handle this situation.

I hope, for your entire families sake, you have a change of heart and can approach this from a loving but firm perspective. Otherwise you will be fighting a losing battle.

Good luck.

What I heard you say in this post is that your child is important and you spend all your time taking care of them and the SD is of no worth and you shouldn't have to do anything for them.

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities if this is really how you feel.

That said.

It's time to start being her teacher. Teach her how to wash her own clothes.

You start out like this.

Teach her about fabrics, weights of fabrics, colors, materials, etc...she can't do laundry well if she washes black pants with white tops. They'll come out gray.

Heavy garments like jeans and other heavy items can be washed together. They all dry on high heat and can take a long time.

Lightweight items like underwear and pj's need to be dried on low or medium heat so they need to be washed together.

Dark colors and reds are a good match because red fades a long time.

Then she needs to understand about water temperature. Hot for stuff that won't shrink anymore and what you want bleached.

Warm water for most clothes and cold for anything that fades a lot or that you don't want shrunk a lot. They'll shrink in the dryer but cold water might help.

Then she needs to learn how to start the washer and add the powder first. She can add the clothes after a moment. This gives the soap time to start dissolving and it won't stick to the clothes.

She'll also need to learn about fabric softeners if you use a liquid one. She needs to understand that if she adds it too soon it will stain the clothes and it will make fuzzy looking stuff on darks.

Then she can help you with laundry a few times with her taking the lead and you guiding her. Once she has this down well you step back and tell her she's responsible for her own laundry. Give her her own laundry day. You'll have to remind her several times before she gets it though.

Go through everything you want her to do.

If you want her to do a particular room then make a list of what needs to be done. Lots of small steps that can easily be done.

Toy room

Pick up all barbies and put them in the correct bin/tub

Pick up all the lego's, put them in the right bin/tub

Pick up all the balls and sports equipment

The more detailed and simple each step is the more she'll be able to do. Then she should be able to accomplish an entire room in a couple of days while she's still learning.

Be her teacher, not her boss.

Different houses, different rules. TELL her that.
And being this is your SD..... where is her Dad in all of this, with you?

Being in 2 homes is her reality. So just be perfunctory and tell her, that in YOUR home, it is different and these are the rules. She is not a hotel guest. She is part of a family.

And she probably does not even know how to clean or do laundry etc. because her Bio Mom never taught her or expects that of her.
So teach her... in a nice nurturing calm... manner. If you can.
Make it seem fun, somehow.
Or make her earn things.

Tell your Husband, you are not a Maid.
If my Husband told me that, I would be livid.
AND I would tell him off.
OR, make your Husband, do everything for his daughter. Since he wants to coddle her.
One day, she will be in college, hopefully, and has to know how to fend for herself.

The 2nd problem you have is that, your Husband has a chauvanistic view of you... and what your "role" is in the house.
He thinks, you just stay home, with a kid.
Again, I would be livid, if my Husband had that attitude toward me.
I am a SAHM. and I work part time and have 2 kids.
I WORK my butt off. Everyday.
It doesn't matter, if a woman stays home with the kids or not.
EVERYONE IS A PART OF THE HOUSE AND THE RUNNING OF IT.
Tell your Husband that.
Or make HIM... do it all.
And you and your child, go out.
For fun.

Yes, she should be doing chores. My 10 yo son is responsible for taking out all the trash and the cans to the street. My 13 yo daughter puts the dishes in the dishwasher away and I'm teaching her how to load them now. They are both starting to do their own laundry too. We are in the process moving to a larger house and I already told everyone that we are ALL going to be doing the cleaning and cooking. I'm going to come up with a chart that will change weekly so no one gets confused. If I were you, I would have a house meeting (get hubby on board first) and tell them you need to get everyone involved. She needs to learn to take care of a house so she can do it when she's on her own. Don't let this go too much further. Good luck.

Micky:

At 15 she better be doing SOMETHING!!

My boys are 10 and 13 - they take out the trash, help with the laundry, set the table, help with preparing meals (know how to cook simple things like mac and cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches, soup, scrambled eggs, omelets, etc.)

At 15 - I would tell her - this is your day to do laundry. I will no longer be doing your laundry for you. It's time you grow up and become a responsible young adult.

Part of it is the age. The other part is that you allow it to happen. If my kids give me attitude? I give them a chance to adjust it - or I'll adjust it for them. They know that's not fun. So they adjust rather quickly. Do NOT allow this to happen. You are the adult. You are the parent.

Get a responsibility chart going for her. If she doesn't like it - tell her that if she behaved better you would NOT have to do this. It's time that she "man-up" and get the jobs done. Vacuum, clean her bathroom, do her laundry, etc.

Good luck!!

As a parent you are preparing a child for the time in their life when they are on their own. That means they need to know how to take care of themselves. They should know the basics of every thing laundry, cooking, cleaning, yard care and car care.

A friend of mine has a mom who taught her nothing. Her husband had to show her how to run a vacuum, cook, do laundry and everything else connecting to taking care of their home. She is now in her mid 40s and still has trouble with a lot of it. You are not doing you child any favors by not teaching them to be self sufficient.

Tell hubby that if you don't "teach" her how to do housework, she will end up living in a pig sty. She will not understand that the dishes don't wash themselves; and the floor really has to be swept? and mopped!?! You really have to clean the toilet bowl? Really?

Hubby is doing her the BIGGEST disservice by NOT ALLOWING HER TO LEARN! It's not about helping you; it's not about being mean. It's about teacher her life skills!

Show him this - Micky's hubby - I never made my daughter help with the house. As an adult, she has NEVER thought housework was her job. As a result, her house has ALWAYS been a pig sty. Then she had kids - guess who cleans the house now! She's the ONLY person I have ever met who, at age 33, does not know how to clean a house! Do you want that for your daughter? Hope so, 'cause that's where you're headed!

She absolutely should be helping out. My 15 yo son takes out garbage, keeps his room clean, empties the dishwasher, puts away his laundry, and helps with the groceries. He also does yard work for extra $ and sometimes cleans the bathrooms.

Yes, I would. A 15 yr old can load a dishwasher, take out the trash, do laundry, clean up after herself, etc. Even if you are home, there are things SD can do for herself/for the household. I would lay out to him 1. what you do DO all day 2. the cost of a weekly housekeeper, and 3. tell him that if you don't pick up after SD all day, then her messes become his problem.

My DH, before he had custody, didn't want to "waste" his weekends making them clean up. Someone pointed out to him that the friend's parents never made him clean up, either. The friend was a mess who barely knew how to cook and do laundry for himself.

There is a huge difference between Cinderella and being able to fend for herself in the real world. If she doesn't learn at home then when will she learn?

I also think this is two fold. I think your DH had no idea what it's really like to be home with a little kid all day and take care of house and home and that he's sensitive to any perception of unfairness toward his daughter. If he thinks her doing chores at all is unfair, ask him why and listen to his answer. I bet it's more than just "well, you're home", deep down.

ETA: What she does or doesn't do in her mom's home is largely irrelevant. You and DH dictate what happens in your home.

I think the issue in your situation is that this is a stepchild and your husband is the only one with authority. That doesn't mean you have to be her maid. I guess you should just stop cleaning up after her in ways that are not bothersome to you. Don't clean her room, don't do her laundry, don't drive her places. don't buy things for her. Tell your husband to do it. So long as he is the only adult with the authority over SD, he is also the one that has to take care of all of that.

All Children, after a certain age, should have chores! They don't ave to have a huge list but some none the less. So to answer your question: No, you are NOT crazy for wanting your 15y/o SD to help out around the house!!

If she were mine, she would be responsible for:
Keeping her room clean
Doing her own laundry
And either unloading the dishwasher or loading the dishwasher at least once while she is there for the weekend (assuming you ave her every other weekend)

On top of all of that, it would also be nice if she just helped out with general straightening up when it needs to be done.

~I have 2 stepsons and 3 of my own kids + 2 nephews who are at my house all the time, I do not want any of them to feel like they are the maids so at my house we do a 'family 10 minute tidy' every day, where EVERYONE (including husband & I) get up, divvy up what needs to be done and we crank up the radio and Go Voom! Easy! That way we all feel part of the team/family and we all participate and help and no one person feels like they have to do more than anyone else, ya know?

I bounced around from family members and foster homes while growing up and I ALWAYS felt like the maid and it was awful! I promised myself I would never let my kids feel that way....but kids need chores, it helps build responsibility and they need to learn how to take care of themselves and how to keep a tidy house. Even my 9 & 7 y/o sons can move the laundry over from the washer to the dryer and my 9y/o knows how to start a load of laundry, it is an essential life skill they need to know how to do. Nothing wrong with teaching them and having them help out!

At 15y/o your SD should be mostly self sufficient and shouldn't be having NO chores, that is just ridiculous and is just teaching her how to be a selfish, spoiled brat.

I love the answer about teaching your daughter how to do things around the house. Your daughter will be on her own someday, she needs to know how to take care of herself and that includes keeping house and doing laundry. You are not doing anyone any favors not teaching her these things and making her a responsible person.

I can see how that could make a person get frustrated and feel underappreciated. I think there are different ways to approach
Household tasks that work for different situations. It sounds like you need and want help around the house. It's more about growing up and learning responsibility in my opinion. There comes a point when it is time to learn to do laundry. I feel for the kids, it's tough grow. At the same time I think people who share a household should all pitch in as a team. My older son takes care of his laundry since he was about 14. I started by having him bring his basket to the washer on the same day each week, then I introduced sorting the clothes. Then he eventually put them in and started the machine. From there I had to remind him to rotate the laundry. Years later, I still have to remind him to take it out of the dryer at times and put it away. He still does laundry on the same day he was taught to do it on. The beginning was rough and he wasn't too happy about not having something he wanted to wear because he didn't do his laundry. That happened a few times and it started to stick. Some of my friends have help around the house that take of laundry, so if that's the case I would have them take care of some other tasks around the house. Everyone should do their part.

I haven't read the responses yet, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating. I have 9 and 15yo boys, and they both help a ton around the house. They always have, so they help without question. Neither of them complains at all, and they both have good attitudes about helping.

Our 15yo cooks meals, cleans the kitchen, does ALL of the vacuuming, mows our lawn (several acres), keeps his room spotless (he inherited my OCD tendencies), helps with the laundry and helps with other things as needed.

Our 9yo is learning to cook a bit, helps dust the furniture, cleans all of the baseboards, cares for our dog and pig, helps me a ton in the garden, helps fold clothes, and keeps his room clean. He also helps with other things as needed.

In addition to all of this helping our family, it will also help the boys in the future when they move out and have homes of their own to take care of. They are learning valuable skills.

I guess the short answer would be, no, I don't think you're crazy for expecting her to help out. :)