Looking for Punishment Advice....

Please oh Please do not take her birthday away, you may downsize the party or extend the grounding after her birthday, my Dad took my 13th birthday away because I did not loosed 10 pounds, he gave me a month to do it and I only lost 7 , the point to this story is......I have never forgotten that and Im almost 40, but you do need to get it into her head that she needs to learn responsibilty.
There are so many sickos out there. She is a teenager and she will need to work her butt off to get her party. JMO

let me know how this turns out please, this is my worst fear- i have a 4 yr old, but i was one of these trouble children and nothing made me stop, i'm scared about my life 10 yrs from now

M., God is really using you. Your Mother and the children are so fortunate to have you to take care of them. They should be so grateful that they never put you under any more pressure or worry you but unfortunately they can't see that just yet. I would just have a little cake and present at home. Sounds like she may be headed down what could be dangerous roads if you don't be firm with her. Just let her know you love her so much you have to know where she is and that she should never leave one place without letting you know where she is going or without getting your permission to leave and go to another place. It is too dangerous these days. Too many things can go wrong. You will have to set a certain time that she has to be home by and it can't be so late that you won't be awake. Because you need to be able to talk with her and make sure everything is o.k. every time she comes in. If that doesn't work you may need to try to get some counseling for her. God bless you. You really have too much on you for your age.

I agree with the other moms. Don give in! She will only learn that she can manipulate you. If you fell really guilty, maybe a small cake at home after dinner, but I wouldn't do presents or decorations or anything. Once she sees you mean business you will se a change in her behavior. Just make sure you dole out punihments you are willing to see through to the end.

Wow let me first commend you for taking care of so many kids I think that is awesome! I am a young mother of 2 and it was not to long ago I was just like your niece. I thought I knew it all and no one could stop me. Let’s just say things got real bad before they got any better. Of course I take complete responsibility for my actions as a teenager however a lot of it was attributed to the people I hung around with. It was the older crowed they had no curfews no boundaries and I thought it was completely unfair my parents expected me to be home before midnight throughout high school. The best advice I can give is stick by your original punishment. I always had it in the back of my head that I could stay home for a week or so do some extra chores, be friendly and my parents would feel bad and let me off. Luckily I got out of a bad situation but it took about 2 months of no friends no phone no contact with anyone except my family. Sit down with her and discuss what is acceptable, give reasons not just because I said so. If you treat her like an adult she will probable be more receptive. I would look up local news info about young teenagers in trouble or other things happening around town and show her what can happen. Also there is a law in Texas that anyone under the age of 17 can not be out pase I believe 11 or 12 without an adult. This is punishable with a pretty expensive ticket. Let her know your not being mean just looking out for her. It sounds mean but it could be a huge wake up call. I hope this helps and didn’t frighten you to much. Good luck

hi,

my name is R. aguilar and i am a 24 year old mother. i was a single mother for a while and now, i'm married. even though sometimes i still feel single. i remember hard times i went with my mom. i use to sneak out alot. a big reason was that she didnt trust me and already expected me to be doing something so i acted out rebelliously and did what she assumed i was doing. also i'm a very private person so i just didnt like talkin about any relationships. also, when most kids ask their parents to do something they say no. my mom didnt let us do alot of things, she may thought they were bad so it was just easier to sneak out. but even though i may have did one thing wrong, at the party i never acted wild because my mothers teachings are always in the back of my head. so with all that said, sometimes the best punishment is to ignore and trust. hard head, need to fall hard sometimes in order to understand. let her be aware of the dangers, getting pregnant, or a stranger hurting her. Also I know it's hard to wear a lot of hats, like mother, you raising your neice and taking care of your mom, and going to school. I've started a women's club to help support moms who are trying to start a business or want a career or just even want help and support. It's going to be at the end of feb. I'm not sure where you live, but i live in new orleans. Hope my advice helps and you can email me if you need anything. ____@____.com in there. and God bless you. Finish school, i'm in school too.

Best wishes on taking care of your loved ones. God will bless you for this. Stand your grounds, I would have a family party at home, cake a few presents that's it. It is hard because we all love to give them parties etc, but last years our girls didn't get to go trick or treating because of some school issues. It was tough, but they survived.
This will show her and your nephew who is worried for his sister that you will not put up with this type of behavior. I am sure he will remember this in a couple of years when he starts trying these thing(assuming he does). Hope you get the guidance you need.

stick to your punishment maybe she will learn a lesson and plus if she knows you wi ll cave in everytime for her being good all she gotta do is do what she wants them be good whoa big whooop punish that girl she is 13 should be playing with barbies

I WOULD NOT give in. This day and time...the world is a very scary place. There are TONS of wierdos in the world. My heart was beating fast when I was reading your request. I was relieved to hear she had returned home, safely. How about having a "family" birthday? I have three small children and know, one day, I will have to deal with these things. Good job on raising your neice and nephews!

God bless you! I couldn't do what you do and stay sane. That being said my mother was tough on me when I left the house. I had a strict 11pm curfew and if I was 1 minute late, I was grounded. She wanted to know who, what, when, where, and how my evening was going to pan out. I wouldn't take her birthday away totally but I would only allow a celebration with the family and nothing more. As for letting her get off grounding for good behaviour, no way. Once she is grounded, she needs to stay grounded. No negotiations. My sister lets her kids off for good behaviour and because of that they don't ever take grounding seriously. They know that if my sister grounds them they can clean their room and she'll let them off.
As for that "I didn't think about it" business, she thought about it. She thought about what story she was going to tell you. Not to scare, you but when I did that business of telling my mom I was staying at a friends house, we were really sneaking out and meeting up with boys and partying. If she looked like she hadn't slept then you could take it a step further and make her take one of those at home drug tests from Walgreens or drag her to a doctors office and have her tested.

Stand your ground and do not give in. There's no telling what could have happened to her. She is old enough to know right from wrong. Taking her birthday party away from her is not a crime, nor will it scar her for life. The mother that posted that bit about her father doing that because she didn't lose 10 pounds is probably more scarred from that reason rather than not having the party. She didn't do anything wrong, your niece, however, did. Anyway, my point is, you are the adult, she is still the child. She is to learn responsibility and consequences of not following through. Tough love is just that, tough, for all parties involved. But don't postpone her grounding because of a birthday. If it's too much to bear, postpone the party until an undisclosed date (so she won't 'be nice' until then) at least until she understands that she must obey the rules.

Hello,
Of course it is your decision and you know your niece more than anyone on this forum, but I would say that I agree with her brother on this. Her birthday is a day to celebrate the entire year, and that would be punishing her for all year... even the parts where she did good.
I would set a reasonable consequence .. like no telephone, internet whatever for a certain amount of time, and stick with it. And of course talking (as opposed to lecturing) is always a good thing.. explain the dangers and the love you have for her... adn the position that it puts you in. Maybe if she is able to have empathy for your feelings then maybe she will be less likely to do it again.
Just my .02 cents and hope it works out!
A.
www.onlyonceimages.com/blog

First off, I would not accept her response of "I just didnt' think about it" when you asked why she didn't call you for a ride. This sounds very suspect. By her leaving the movies and her friends and lying to them about you picking her up makes me think she may have been out all night with maybe a boy. She hadn't slept??? Her story has too many holes in it. She left her friends and told them you were picking her up and then she told you that she didn't have a ride and stayed with a different friend? Yeah, she would lose the birthday party and a whole lot of other things. I really suggest getting in her business. With my 13 year old, I give her a phone curfew, I ask who she is talking too, I read her notes, I check her backpack, read her journal and everything, and she hasn't even given me reason to not trust her. Before she goes with any friends, I have to talk to their parents, they have to spend some time at my house too.

Doris is right... taking her birthday away is something that she will never forget WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE IT AWAY ALONG WITH EVERY THING ELSE!!! Not losing weight is one thing (I don't agree with that)... but what she did!!?? OH MY GOODNESS.... her life as she knows it should no longer exist! There is no telling where she was or what she was doing and I have a feeling you will NEVER get the truth out of her!
Set the punishment and stick to it!! I say NO BIRTHDAY at all! Matter of fact... if you really want her to remember... tell her that she will remain 13 until further notice (past her actual birth date) and whatever privilidges she was set to earn by turning 14 are GONE!