Hi Moms,
I warn you this may be long, and I apologize. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My husband's brothers and their families live in the northeast, and we are out here in Colorado. Obviously, we don't see his family too often, due to geography. However, I always felt like Brenda and Jan (my sister n laws) were my good friends. I kept in touch with both of them (via phone and email) on a regular basis. Last year, something very traumatic and devastating happened to me. It was brought to my attention that Jan has been forwarding all of my emails (confidential emails from me to her) to: Brenda, Eric (one of my husband's brothers), her sister, and her friend - all for the sole purpose of mocking me. Apparantly, Jan felt that my confidential emails to her (which varied from medical treatments for my son, to venting about our mother n law, and for asking her a question about a soap opera) were practically public knowledge, and she got her kicks out of disgracing me to a group of people. Regarding my venting about our mother in law - whenever I had a MIL story, I emailed it to Jan, only to discover that she forwarded all of my stories to: Brenda, Eric (my husband's brother), her sister, and her friend. She typed "Here is what S. said" and then forwarded it to all of those people. Regarding my email about my son's medical treatment - (both of our sons have Autism, and I wrote about what medications the DAN doctor had me giving him - you'd think she would have had sympathy and empathy, since both our sons have Autism, AND, since SHE was the one who suggested I take my son to a DAN doctor)!! So, after she read what I wrote about my son's medications, she typed, "SCARY?" and then forwarded it to her group of people. And now, the soap opera email. Again, I thought she was my friend, and I emailed her asking her if she watched my soap opera (b/c I wanted to discuss it). Well, apparantly, she thought I was such a stupid idiot for asking such a trivial question, that again, she typed "SCARIER?" and did her disgusting thing again, and clicked the 'forward' button, and off it went to all of those people. Not only was I furious with Jan (totally and completely done with her for life, by the way), I was also furious with Brenda (my other sister in law who was very close with Jan) for doing NOTHING to stop Jan's evil and cruel behavior. Not once did Brenda ever say to Jan, "Why are you doing this to S.?? She is our sister in law???" Not once. It must have been much more fun for Brenda to join in on Jan's "Let's make fun of S. club." Now on to Jan's husband, Eric,(my husband's brother) - he also contributed to Jan's dispicable antics by also doing nothing to stop Jan's behavior/emails. After all, he allowed his wife to disgrace his brother's wife! My husband told me not to worry, that we were DONE with Jan, and that we never had to see her again. Then, one night, Eric called and told my husband that he and Jan were getting divorced!!! I'm sure you can all imagine mine and my husband's sheer joy that Jan would soon be out of the family!!! Anyway, here is the problem: Eric and Brenda apologized to both of us for not doing anything to stop Jan's email forwards. So then I was expected to somehow, some way (after therapy and many, many nights of discussing what happened to me w/ my husband) get over this and move on. Easy for all of them, since this horrifying situation didn't happen to them. My relationship with Brenda has been (still is) extremely strained, since I know how close she always was (and probably still is) with Jan (even though Jan and Eric are now divorced). Knowing that Brenda still keeps in touch with Jan makes me sick. So, here is my problem: obviously, it is a given that Jan thought I was an idiot, and had zero respect for me, which is why she chose to make a mockery out of me to a group of people. Since Jan thought I was an idiot, wouldn't it be fair to assume that Brenda also thought I was an idiot, since she did nothing to stop Jan's email forwards?? (and because Brenda and Jan are so close). When I discussed this nightmare with Brenda, I asked her why she didn't stop Jan's email forwards, and she said exactly what I thought she would say. She gave me the politically correct answer and said, "I don't know. I just hit delete and went on with my day." What else was she going to say? "Yes, S.. I also thought you were an idiot and enjoyed receiving Jan's emails?" Of course she wasn't going to say that. I also asked Brenda if I was the family joke, and she said no. Again, was she really going to tell me the truth and say, "Yes, S., you were the family joke." My therapist said that Brenda is a people pleaser, and doesn't like confrontations. I believe that, however, does that mean that people pleasers don't have a conscience??? What I am very much struggling with is this - how am I supposed to have a relationship with someone who quite possibly (if not definately) thinks I am an idiot? Moms, I ask you this - would you have a relationship with someone who you strongly suspect (or know) thinks you are an idiot?? Of course you wouldn't! My husband wishes I could get over this and move on, which tells me he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. This is his side of the family, and he just wants this mess to be over with. I feel like some things are unforgiveable. I also feel like I really would be an idiot if I were to continue my relationship with Brenda. Brenda called me the other day (left a message), but I didn't call back. I obviously don't trust her anymore, which means I have absolutely nothing to say to her. I will not disclose ANYTHING to her about my life anymore, so what's the point in talking to her? Any advice would greatly be apperciated. Thanks in advance for reading this!!!!!
I would stay clear from Brenda if I were you. Your husband may not fully get how much it hurt you and may be upset that you can't just "get over it" but it is fully within your rights not to have to talk to somebody that you don't trust. If you continue to not return calls or e-mails she should get the message. Just be pleasant and reserved at family events. Good luck!
Hi S.,
First of all, let me say that I am sorry you went through this with family for goodness sake. It's bad enough people that aren't family will treat a person like this. Let alone family. Good grief.
Next, I'd like to remind you that Men just don't get into the squabbling and stuff between women, they don't get it. They don't really understand the whole feelings thing. As long as they can still scratch and have all the bodily functions and make their masculine noises, they are fine. They say "move on" So, don't expect too much from your husband.
I would say, be the bigger person. Talk to your husbands family, but be very careful what you say to them. I wouldn't share anything intimate with them. Keep things cordial. That is the perfect way to let them know that you are disappointed and hurt by what they have done, rather than telling them up front about it. Be supportive of them. Show them how family SHOULD treat each other. Every family is raised differently. I had to learn that the hard way as well. My family is very close and when one hurts, we all hurt. My husbands family.... not even remotely the same. They backbite, they fight, will go years without talking to one another. It's insane. My mother in law will even talk about me to my daughters. But my daughters know better. They tell her, not to. End of story.
Be the caring, gentle person and show them what FAMILY is about. If they don't "get it" then it is their loss. You will still be teaching your children in the meantime what it is all about to be in a family, and how to treat each other. Just be careful what you share in emails. I would still continue a relationship, but careful how close I got with certain details.
I hope this helps.
She's got issues. Don't let them become yours! I had a similar situation at work. I was so upset over an unfair situation that I went into an empty office to cry (for the first and only time ever!) No joke, on the corkboard in front of me was photocopy of the four agreements (I swear I looked up at it due to divine intervention!) The second agreement states:
Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Somehow that clicked and it has literally changed my thinking. SHE has issues. You don't treat someone like that without having issues and you can't expect a dysfunctional person to act normally! The people on her email list can either see that or they have issues too!
I would talk to her and let her know you felt she was mocking you by forwarding your emails and it hurt. Get it off your chest, learn she can't be trusted and move on to others that can! Good luck!
Dear S,
Iam pretty sure disclosing anything to Brenda would not be in your best intrest given her relationship with Jan.Iam so sorry that they betrayed you.Brenda may not have your best intrests at heart!Please be very careful!
I know from personal expierience with my own sis-in-law.I thought there was a closeness,trust and respect between us and I found out the hard way (like you did) that she is NOT to be trusted.Betrayal is a very painful feeling.My husband is the one that I really think of cause she is his sister.Its inconcievable and aweful what has transpired in the last year but I am never going to have anything to do with her or her family EVER again if I can help it.My husband supports my feelings and really it cannot be any other way.
Try to forgive and move on.You do not need in your life! Take Care,T.S.
