I think my marriage may be ending soon and I have no idea what to do. I make a little over $20,000 a year and can't affort child care and an apartment. Any advice from other mothers who have gone through the same situation would be helpful.
Thanks.
Nothing has "happened" yet, but this seemed the best way to update everyone. I really appreciate everyone's support and suggestions. Today is my first day with a Therapist. I'm first going alone so I can find the words to discuss with my husband what is wrong.
I should say that there is nothing "wrong" per se with him. My husband is a kind and decent man, who would never hurt me or our daughter. The problem is with me and feelings or lack of feelings I have for him. It's hard for me to put the exact issues in writing, right now, so I'll just say that there are communication, money, and attraction issues in play.
I'm working on a promotion at work, so pray for me that it will come through. I will then be making about $10,000 more, which will put my finacial worries aside. I do expect to get child support from him, but I will not put myself and my daughter in a bad situation, should that fall through.
Thanks again for all your help!
Hi A.,
If you think your marriage is over, then you need to prepare for the worst. SRS will pay for your daycare or a good proportion of it. You can get support, you will get child support, if he is working. There are apartments that go by your income also. Do not panic.
I went through a similar situation before my daughter was born, it is a long story. If you want help or advise, please e-mail me at ____@____.com.
My Dad and I both recently went thru this. So collectively here is what we thought as important points.
1. If you can save the marriage do it but also recognize that not all marriages can be saved. (ex. Those who go outside the marriage generally will never quit, people dont basically change and you cant change them).
2. Church counselors dont replace marriage counselors. This may seem antireligious but we have seen some big failures here. Also, a marriage counselor isnt good if your spouse is
just not interested. Dont let the blame fall all on you. The marriage failed because 2 people couldnt make it work.
3. Dont Panic, seek your family first as a support group.
4. Friends can help but be cautious here. Beware, mutual friends or church friends tend to be tainted.
5. Yes, get a lawyer. AND BE VERY CAREFUL. Some lawyers charge flat rate, some charge time/hour. The hourly ones are more expensive. In either case you can get a good or bad lawyer who doesnt care how HE/SHE hurts you financially. You already know your soon ex will try to hurt you but so will your own lawyer.
6. When you get a lawyer, they will focus on finances, kids, etc. but you should know what battles you must win and what ones you are willing to lose. The court system will try find a just way to allow both parents to survive and that the kids are taken care of. Both parties will win and lose some, therefore you should know what battles you need to win at in order to survive/move-on going forward.
7. Start treating your spouse as a business entity. Its hard to remove our emotions, personalize our pain, etc. but if this is the path you are on, you will be better off. Time helps heal alot of things.
8. Enjoy your kids, dont put them in the middle. Of all of the bad going on realize that your kids were a positive result of your marriage.
We hope this helped. There are probably somethings we left out. But I hope you realize that you arent alone, there is some help, you will need to change and now manage these activities. But you will survive and live thru this and it is very likely that you may find that this painful event was one of the best things to ever happen to you.
Good luck and I hope your family will use this time to get closer to you as you will with them
Since you said you "think" your marraige may be ending I'm going to hope that you and your husband can work things out. The MOST important thing you can do for yourself is to try and stay calm. Don't go borrowing trouble respond only to the imidiate problems at hand. Work with your husband to make sure that your child will be well provided for in the event that you both decide that it is better for you to go your separate ways. Talk to someone you trust. Ask them to just listen to what you have to say without responding. Sometimes just the process of putting your feelings into words can help you figure out a solution. You can also ask your employer if they have crisis counseling available through the Human Resources department. Short term counceling can help you and provide good advice. Please, take care of yourself and your child. I wish you the best of luck. P.S. - If you are in danger leave now and take your child.
A.,
My heart goes out to you and your child. If in fact, you find yourself in need of a "plan" to economic independence, I highly recommend the Women's Employment Network. You can find them at http://www.kcwen.org/ and you can call them at ###-###-####. I realize you are already employed, but they do so much with women in your situation who need assistance with life transitions. They even offer professional case management for women who need special assistance to overcome personal obstacles, and it is my understanding that there is child care assistance/support available as you transition.
And on a personal note, I believe that when a door closes, God opens another. Please believe that you are strong and can meet any challenges that life presents to you.
My best,
Steff
____@____.com
Hey I have been in your shoes and it isn't an easy thing to go through. Don't be afraid to ask the state for help. I myself pay into the state to help mothers like yourself. The usually will help with daycare and such. If you need anyone to talk to my email address is ____@____.com
A.,
I am a social worker here in the area and I would be happy to help you find any resources that you need. You may qualify for child care assistance, insurance and other things in the community. Also you husband shoul have to pay child support and maybe alimony. Let me know if I can assist you. J.
Dear A.,
I am 44 and my marriage fell a part over a year ago and I was not working at all. I have a 6 year old daughter and sometimes we stuggle, but we love each other. My best suggestion is to make sure you get child support (help from the father) if not do what ever it takes through the State to get it, because thats own experince. But this is for my child not me, so I do not feel bad, there are to many dead beat dads out in this world. I want you to know it will be ok and have faith that God will guide you in all your paths.
Have you tried marriage counseling? That would be my first suggestion. If that does not work and you do seperate, then I would start out looking into apartments that fall under Section 8 Housing (where rent is at a reduced price b/c of your income). Second, I would check into getting onto WIC (helps you and your baby to afford food). Third, check with the state about getting assistance in daycare for your baby. I know there are daycares out there than help with low income parents. Fourth, I would check in getting your baby onto state assistance for health insurance (Medicaid or Medicare - I'm not sure which one it is).
Hope that helps out and gets you going in the direction you need.
A.:
I am sorry to hear that your marriage may be falling apart, but that doesn't mean that your life is. Keep in mind that you have a beutiful and special baby in your life. All the ideas mentioned are great ideas. I would also suggest that you two try some couples therapy, prior to breaking up. Don't forget, if your marriage does not work out, your husband would have to pay child support. Look into Government assisted daycare (really check out the daycare, as some of them are very poor quality), and head start when your baby is older. You would be amazed what you can do with your budget, in order to afford a place to live. Do you have a supportive family, who could help you out? A friend to split the rent? Whatever happens, you will be fine.
Good luck, A.
A.-
I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I don't know if you have thought about a stay at home business to support you & your 14 month old. I am building my business so I can leave corporate America. It's a wonderful group of people-the MOM team that is there to help support you-free training, free websites-no parties, no selling, no inventory. If you are interested, please check out my website-www.flexibilityandwellness.com
~D.
Hey A., I am sorry to hear that things aren't going well for your marriage. Have you considered going to counseling or anything like that? You can email me at my personal email address if you want to. It would be easier to chat that way. :)
I am a 27 year old working mom of 2 girls, ages 8 and 3. My home email is ____@____.com.
C.
