Marriage Issues - Ontario,NY

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

I., You sound very defeated and that has to change. You need to impower yourself not just for you but for you children as well. If you need to leave there are women's shelters that will help you to become a stronger woman and mother. You do not have to stay in an abusive toxic relationship.

I'm glad you are seeing an attorney and hope he/she will be able to help you. Because your husband has been abusive and owns weapons, I want you to have a back up plan. Please contact this agency and see what they can do for you and your children.

Women's Shelters Located In
Women's Shelters Located In New York. New York State domestic violence programs by county ... Ontario Domestic Violence Program (800) 695-0390

Blessings......

Keep us posted

Dear I.,

I’m glad you mother is there for you and the children. I’m concerned about your drinking. Unless your husband is a heavy drinker too, he could use that as the excuse why he is away so much and ask for custody of your children should you file for divorce or separation at this time.

In addition to your present counseling I encourage you to get in a twelve step program as soon as possible.

If you have a safe place to go, pack and leave. If not start making a plan. Save as much money as you can and start looking for a place of your own that you can afford. As mentioned by another mama, keep in mind you are entitled to half the marital assets and child support. The reason I suggest you move out is because of the physical violence, he may not leave voluntairly.

You might also consider attending services at few different houses of worship according to your personal beliefs if you don't already have one of your own, or finding a Russian community center where you would have support groups and not feel so alone. This would be good for you, your children and your mom.

Keep us posted, you will be in my prayers.

Blessings……

Most lawyers will give you a free consultation. I highly recommend meeting with a divorce attorney to find out what your rights are. Being from Russia you may not realize what your rights are. I'm not sure what the laws are like in NY but here in California I know that the husband will have to leave the house during separation (legal) and divorce because they want to provide a stable environment for the children. All property is also split 50/50 in addition to the husband paying child and possibly spousal support. Of course this is all assuming it's not a nasty divorce.

Some things to keep in mind though and this is for all women - the hunting is something he's always done and always will it sounds like. You can't change him. We as wives often want to change things about our husbands and often times these are things we knew about them when we married them yet we still think we can change them. Being gone on the weekends during hunting season may not be about him NOT wanting to be with you and the kids but about doing what he's always done. I'm not saying it's OK, just trying to help you understand. As wives we expect our husbands to know what we want and need from them - and when our husbands don't meet our expectations we get upset and hurt. Wives HAVE to tell husbands what we need from them whether it's helping with a load of laundry or being home to spend time with family. Maybe you can compromise on the hunting - he goes every other weekend or you look at the calendar to see what weekends you would like him home.

Talking with a lawyer will help alleviate some of your fears of not being able to support your children. After you have met with a lawyer think everything through - talk with your family, ask your husband/mother/mother in law to stay with the kids for a couple of days so you can go off and sort through things.Do this when you are calm and collected, not in the heat of an argument. Think about what you want and need from your husband, did you both really love each other before the children came (children are hard on a marriage!). I'm a firm believer that if you had a marriage filled with love before children then it's something you can often times get back.

Last - I am in no way saying you should stay in a loveless marriage or one that might be physically dangerous to you (referring to physical argument). I'm only saying to really work through everything before you make rash decisions. A separation may be what you need and I suggest a legal one if you do decide to go that route to protect your rights.

I wish you the best.

I agree, you need to get HIM out of the house...........go see Legal aid, or talk to someone.....(church, counselor, social worker...) Stop the drinking......it's bad for everyone....and doesn't look good in court..........

If you can, talk to your husband and tell him to leave.....make sure someone else is there with you when you do.........your Mom, Dad, brothers, a male friend, someone who can help if he gets violent.........call the police if you have too........

There are people who will help you.....battered women, legal aid, start looking around to see if you can get the kids on medicaid and you too......

Take care and let us know how you are doing......

I really think you need to get you and your kids out of that situation. It doesn't do anything good for them to see their parent's fight all the time. They'll grow up thinking that that's normal. Best of luck!

Okay I read your new post and so I went back to read this previous one.
My only question is this: can you see yourself without your children half the time?
When I was young, my parents weren't happy and I thought they should divorce but now that I'm older and have a child of my own I am glad they stuck it out. It was hard for my mom BUT NOW it is hard for my dad.
I would not stay if there is physical violence but if you are just talking about being home along or lonely because he is busy pursuing his hobbies hunting etc I wouldn't jump to divorce.
If he is physical, then that's different.
Personally as a mom, I would worry about a step mom being good to my babies.
If it is just a matter of your husband being gone a lot pursuing his hobbies, see if you can talk to him about being home a little more and helping a little more. I know it's hard but do this nicely b/c you can "catch more flies w/honey than w/bitterness". Most American husbands hunt/fish and I find......they do not help as much as anticipated w/the children. ;) They help some....but not a ton.
As for your depression, see if you can go see a counselor or ask your doctor for a prescription to handle the depression.
As for the lonliness, try to make a friend to have the over for lunch. Good luck and hang in there.