Married Son

Sorry to say it but sometimes guys don't no what's going on or how you feel unless you tell them. I bet if you told him how you feel he would do something to make you feel better. They are just totally oblivious (not all men, but I know a lot who are). My brother for example never visits my parents who live 10 min away unless he needs something!! lol I know this is not an intentional thing but just how he is. As he would do anything for them if they asked. My sister and I on the other hand visit my parents 2-3 times a week. The suggestion of having them over for dinner is a great idea which could lead to regular visits together.
Good Luck :-)

It sounds to me like you are a bit depressed and are having trouble dealing with an empty nest. I just read a post on here from another mom who has adult kids who won't leave the nest. She'd love to be living your life right now!
Can you remember what your interests were before you became a mother?
Travel? Hobbies? Reading? Crafting? Volunteering?
Join a class. Learn something new. Meet new people. Drop the kids/grand-kids a post card once in awhile from someplace you've always wanted to see (that will give them something to talk about).
It's a new chapter in your life! It can be as exciting as you want it to be.

I don't intend for this to sound harsh, but your son's primary relationship is now with his wife, especially if they are newly married (which it sounds like from how you phrased your question). If he's newly married, he SHOULDN'T be super connected to mommy - that wouldn't be healthy. Give the relationship time to mature and change into a new one.

Currently I live in a completely different state from my family, so if I see them once a year, that's a bonus. We have a good phone relationship. Your relationship with your son is going to change over the years, and you need to let him go as your "baby" and let him be a man with his new family in order to keep the relationship strong. Holding on TOO tight will only make him feel uncomfortable and possibly push him away.

The fact that he spends time with his in-laws, considering they are in the same town, is normal and appropriate and a good thing. You said yourself, you live an hour away - that's not convenient for frequent visits in terms of travel. Perhaps setting up a monthly family dinner at a halfway point would be a really nice thing.

I think you may be battling depression because your reaction to his having his own life so strong and negative. Please take care of yourself and your 13 year old who needs you and is YOUR immediate family of focus now.

I have two little boys and this post is eye opening "26 yrs, that's all we get?"
I am walking away with renewed awareness that every moment counts.
Because you are not extremely religious this may not make sense, but your son's ability to be an independent and loving husband/father is a wonderful reflection on your relationship and parenting. Our job as parents is to raise our children to leave. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh." Eph. 5:31 (also same reference in Mark and Genesis)
Hang in there and revel in the fact you have done a great job!!

Our situation sounds very similar.

My MIL complains that we don't see her, but she never invites us. She says "oh, I'm here, come by whenever." But that's not an invite. When we come she doesn't offer food to us or the children. In other words, it doesn't feel that it's particularly nice or special if we're there. She doesn't ever want to come to our house, because she feels it's too long a drive (45 minutes).

My husband didn't convert, but I'm Jewish and he's Catholic and we're raising our kids in a Jewish home. This wasn't a rejection of his mother or his upbringing, rather us coming to a decision about the best way to raise our family.

We also spend a lot of time with my parents. Yes, we live closer to them so it's easier, but also because I am very close to my mother. But also because the relationship with my parents is a two way street. My husband got laid off last year - it's been my parents who have called to check in on how we're doing, offering help and support. It's my mom who babysits, or who is available in an emergency. My parents invited him over for dinner to celebrate his 40th birthday party. His mom sent a card and a $25 check.

My suggestion to you is to figure out what you would like to be different, and then you work on facilitating that. I'm not exactly sure what you would like your son to do. You call, you chat, it's fine. How is he supposed to read your mind about you being unhappy about your relationship? What are you unhappy with? It's really not exactly clear from your post.

I don't mean to be harsh, but relationships are always a two-way street. You don't get to raise him for 26 years and then just sit back and reap the rewards. You have to keep reinvesting for him to feel the same way about you. Good luck.

not to downplay your feelings, but i guess i'm not seeing the problem... he's not a serial killer, he's not caught up in some religious cult - he's a married adult. a newly married adult. and what's wrong with him being catholic? i'm not a catholic, but i can't say i'd have a problem with my children making that choice as an adult. you talk on the phone once a week, that's prob about typical, maybe even a little more than typical, for adult children that live apart from their parents. he's probably just settling into his new life as a married man, trying to get his bearings. ask him to meet you for lunch or something sometime. if you think it would make you feel better, tell him that you're feeling a little excluded(again, say that YOU are feeling excluded, not that HE is excluding you - put all your feelings on YOU, not on what THEY are "doing/not doing" to you). tell him you'd like to get to know his wife a little better, maybe you could all create a standing lunch date for the first saturday of every month or something like that. don't sit back and stew over it, you will eventually become passive/aggressive in your resentment of his adult life, and that will really affect the relationship. you've done your job, just give him some space. good luck!

There is an old saying.. You daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life while your son is your son until he takes a wife..

I don't know at all, but there may be something to that saying. I see it in my brother even with my mother trying to get his attention more. I really don't have much experience with anything like that, but I remember that saying.

I think you are being overly maternal. Your son is 26-years-old and married. You need to respect his new marriage and understand that you are not the only woman in your son's life now. His relationship with his wife should come first. To nurture a good marriage, your son has to put you in the background now. That's how it should be. You've raised your son, and he is going on to live his own life now. As parents, that is what we all strive to do. An hour isn't that far away, you could try to make monthly visits with your son (and his wife) to bond with him. From what you are describing, it sounds like you have empty nest syndrome. I suggest becoming involved in extracurricular activities of your own, and possibly even discussing this with a therapist.

Try not to have an issue with him becoming Catholic it will not help your relationship with your son. Sometimes in marriage we do things for our spouse out of love. I became a Catholic for my husband. It meant so much to him. I was brought up United Church of Christ and even though I am now Catholic I will always have my beliefs from the United Church of Christ. It cannot just be erased. Continue calling him but maybe think of a few things to talk about first, something you have read or a movie you recently saw. See if you can have them over once a month for dinner or go out to a resturant. Have you tried telling your son how you feel? He might not even realize it. He could just be so focus on his new life that he does not realize how it is affecting you. It might just take some time. I wish you the best.

I have two grown sons. You have to leave them alone. They dont feel comfortable with a "mommy" anymore. After you allow them that time to be a man, they will come home to visit "Mom", not mommy. It's a hard transition on both ends. You daughter in law is still young and wants to feel like she is the number one woman in your sons life, and by all rights she should be. I hope you raised him to be a good husband and father. Don't call him every week if the calls seem strained, he probably dreads picking up the phone. Let him have his life. and when he calls dont BORE him or chastize him for not calling you sooner, that will just create more distance.

G., your son is a 26 year old married man. He has his own immediate family now. Appreciate him for who he is and don't push him away by being clingy/feeling empty. I believe you have a teenage daughter as well...enjoy and focus your time with her.

Have you let him know that you would like to be more a part of their lives? That you miss him? If you were very close, his version of it might have been a little different (he might have felt a bit smothered? I'm not trying to judge, just offering the thought that he might have perceived it differently).

Then again, he's a man, so he may actually be utterly clueless that you are missing him or your closeness, unless you actually come out and say something direct about it. Also, not all men are talkers or like to talk on the phone. So maybe an in-person visit would be better. Or, maybe accepting and realizing that he is not a talker and will never share the same way a woman would.

Regarding his choice of religion--that is his choice. If you wish to be part of his life, you do have to accept that it is his choice. And if you choose not to acknowledge that, then he will not share that (and probably won't want to share other parts as well). Even if you don't say anything overtly negative about his choice of religion, if you are disapproving, I'm sure he's feeling it.

I used to be Catholic and there are a lot of good things about it (as there are about most organized religions) just as there are bad things. My parents are saddened that I'm not practicing any more, but they accept it and love me anyway.

What do you want from the relationship? What do you want him to do? Tell him. He isn't a mind reader... You keep the calls light. He has no idea that you want more from your relationship. You think he should know but honestly - he doesn't have a clue.
You mentioned his becoming Catholic. Is that a problem for you? Does he sense that?
LBC

i go thru this with both my kids-weve had several battles over it...bottom line is...your the mom-your the rock-they know your there-love you to death-but just living their lives.my son lives 10 minutes away-im lucky if i see him once every couple of months-my daughter lives an hour away-i see her even less-yes its hard-miss them terribly-but dont look at it as a negative-hes secure enough with his relationship with you that hes able to get on with his life.he knows your there an loves him thru anything.my sons gonna be 29 on fri.you know wheres hes at?? florida on vacation-1st yr without being together on his bday.i was upset at first-but decided that was pointless-im glad hes man enough to do what he feels right with his life.so his bday present is me going over feeding the cat,chexing the mail an shoveling the stairs an walkway.you need to just let him live his life an you live yours.he knows your there for him.find a hobby-go for walks-back off him for a while.

My oldest son is 29 years old and has been married about a year and half. He lives a half hour away and his wife also doesn't like to talk on the phone and doesn't like to answer it most times. My kids were raised as Methodists and his wife's family has no organized religion either and it seems that in some ways he has picked up her beliefs or lack of them. Then I look at the work he does with Masons and Shriners and know that he has his faith and he will be ok.

He works for his dad and will come visit his dad after work in the shop but never comes in to see me, I do go out to see him but at times I am busy and don't get out there. I put this as a male bonding thing between his dad and him.

We lost our youngest son in an accident this year and that is really hard. I have watched some mother's take everything to heart and feel that their son's are turning against them when really they are just living their independent lives. That is how I choose to look at it with my son. He is independent and he, as an adult, will find what is right for him. To try to "mother" him at this point will just drive a wedge between us and that isn't what I would want. Letting go is one of the hardest things a mother can do but when you let go, you do get rewarded in return because they are more likely to come around more as they get older and have families of their own. Keep working at building a wonderful relationship with your daughter in law. My youngest son's wife and I are very close and when we lost him, she shared in my grief and she shares their little daughter with me very well. If you make a weekly or every other week dinner date with them to give them a chance to bond with you, you will be much happier. Do not bring up religion to them, everyone has the right to their own. My daughter in law (oldest son) was very worried that I would be upset with her lack of religion but as soon as I told them that I don't judge anyone for that, she relaxed some. Your son found religion that makes him feel included into his new life as a husband and that is ok.

I was not a Methodist until after I married into this family, although I did spend my earlier years going to a different church. I found that I am very comfortable with the Methodist teachings and love it enough to be a sunday school teacher and Bible school teacher. His new found religion is no way meant to be a slap in your face or to hurt you about the way you raised him.

My daughter married a man and lives next door to his sister and they have family dinners all the time. She loves it and I am glad that both my children have extended families who love them and aren't being judgemental or mean to them as a lot are in other families. Be happy that your son is accepted in his wife's family very nicely.

Empty nest doesn't always mean just when they move out. Good luck and relax, your son loves you very very much, he is just caught up in his own life right now.

When I first got married my MIL forged a relationship with me. She came out to see me and the babies, not my hubby. He was in school. She would come, clean the house, take care of babies and sometimes tell me to just go shopping. She didn't stay for dinner, she just wanted to see the girls and help.
I in turn always remind my hubby to call her on Sunday. I used to pick up the phone, dial her number and then say Here you just called your mother.
My MIL respected me from day one as his wife. It has made for a great relationship. Yes she has her quirks, but who doesn't.
If you are going to do something that she might like invite her and her mom. Once you and she become friends he will not be threatened by having to deal with mom.

i have been catholic my whole life so i dont think it is that. i think traditionally its the women the makes the effort with the in laws. dont give up on the relationship, keep trying dont give up the relatioship he is your son dont loose that bond. please keep in mind men are so different ( most of the time ) with relationships) my own dad rarely made an effort with his parents and if i didnt have the amazing mom that i have then i would not have had such a great relationship with my dads parents. my grandmom is still alive and in great health at 91 yrs. my own husband never called his parents enough according to me. my fil is a very easy person to get along with. my mil would scold my husband constantly when he called WHY HAVE YOU NOT CALLED, DID YOU FORGET YOUR MOM, now i am not making excuses for my husband no matter he should of called his mom. i am sure she felt hurt. in the beginning of my marriage she was always telling me how jealous she was of me. i tried my best to be the best dil..regardless of how she treated me he was still his mom. although i would of liked her respect.
if i were you i would leave a happy message on their answering machine. i would say i am stopping by to visit tomorrow and to bring lunch or take you out to lunch.
i have friends that are all religions so i hope that is not the problem. i will say a pray that everything is resolved.

G.,

I wonder how I'll do when my 14 year old moves on. He and I are very close, but marriage changes you, and it should. You say your son was not raised with an organized religion, but has become a Catholic. I don't know your religious background, but a Christian marriage calls for a man and woman to leave their parents, become one and lead their own life. It sounds to me that your son is trying to live a Christian marriage. I believe that is the best way to have a marriage that survives. Try to be happy that he chose a beautiful young woman to be his wife. Try to be happy that you like her!! I don't want to sound harsh, but you need to let your son be a husband.

You need to live your life and let your son settle into his. Back off some. Find activities you enjoy. Go bowling, volunteer at a library, school, or community center. Find a church to attend. It sounds like you feel you've lost your purpose in life, as though all you ever were was a mom. What did you do before being a mom? What did you want to do while he was at school? I don't think the problem is between you and your son... I think it's between you and you. If the sadness persists, consider seeing a counselor to help you ease into this new phase in life.

Good luck and God bless,
J.

I had a very close relationship with my mother, but we only talked on the phone once or twice a month. I was an adult, and busy living my life, and she was busy enjoying having all four of us gone! We visited on holidays and other special occasions. We lived only 1.5 hours drive apart. I don't think she ever thought anything was wrong with our relationship.

I have an adult stepson who I raised since he was in diapers. He is now 28. At 20, he converted to Islam (the closest his father and I came to religion was to be part of a Unitarian church for awhile) then moved to Saudi Arabia for six years to attend college. Now he is back in our home city, married, with three young children. I talk with him occasionally, visit his family when invited, give advice when asked for, invite him to visit when they can. He is a busy adult, with children, in-laws and other relatives, and in a full-time MBA program. I consider us to have a very close relationship. I will be available to help, listen, guide, when asked and to enjoy my grandchildren as much as possible. I have no specific expectations about amount of calls, visits, emails, etc that I should get from him. I feel it is mainly up to me to keep communication going.

Yes, his change of religion was difficult at first, given the views that many people have in this country of Islam, and given we did not know that much about the practice. But over time, it has given us much to talk about. His wife's family is from Somalia, and are wonderfully friendly people, so we have learned about a whole new culture that is now part of his life.

He probably doesn't feel support from you for him choosing a religion. To become a Catholic as an adult takes a lot of work and dedication. In addition, I am assuming he has a job plus a wife. He is super busy.

It may be the boy / girl thing. I have to remind my husband to call his family but we frequently see my family.

Good luck. He is only 26. Give him time to mature and your relationship will be there for both of you to enjoy.

I wanted to respond to Reverendruby. Catholics do not exclude others as friends and family if they are not Catholic. The Catholic church would never tell her son to ignore his parents. If anything, this is against the teachings of this faith.

Have you had this conversation with your son? It is very possible that he does not even realize he is causing you this kind of grief. Perhaps you both could make an effort to get together more often for a meal or activity on a weekly or bi-monthly basis? I do know that it is much harder to do things on a regular basis when you live some distance apart. I have always said I could never live more than 15 minutes from my mom. My younger brother is in the military and lives a great distance from us. My older brother is in the same town as my mom and my family, but he keeps such a busy schedule that we don't see him very often either, but when we make the effort,he makes more of an effort too. My husband is close to his mom, but since we got married I feel like I talk to her more than he does sometimes! She lives about a half hour from us and we don't see her nearly as often as my mom. So it just happens as people get caught up in their day to day lives..
The best thing to do is let your son know how you feel. Very often we come to conclusions that are simply not true. So just let him know how you feel. I bet you will find that he will be responsive to you! Good luck!

I just want to say that my heart truly goes out to you. I am not a mother of a grown son, but I have two little sons and it is my prayer that I will be close to them always!!!!! They are my heart!!! We live a bit closer to my mom and my husband's family is about 45 minutes away. Because I am close to my mom and she sees my kids alot, I try very hard to include my MIL in everything. I had her come dress shopping when we got married, had her in the room with me and my husband and mom when my first baby was born, always call her for advice about things. Because my husband is first a man!, and then a son, I try to really make a point to make sure that I always give her honor as a second mom and of course as Nana to her grandkids. I really hope your daughter in law will adopt this attitude bc she is the one that is the heart of that home now, so I say keep reaching out to her and showing he kindness and I think your son will return. I know the first year of my marriage was hard on my mom. Her co-workers used to call her "not Marcus", it was actually her nick name in her office. Her boss would say "there's Marcus and then's there's not not Marcus and you are 'not-Marcus' " They worked together forever so it was like her second little family. Anyway, just hang in there, marriage is a huge change, a spiritual conversion is huge, he is processing. You are mom, you are a rock that doesn't change in his mind/life and he just expects you to be there when he is ready to be close again, he is not thinking of your feelings at all right now, he just isn't. He probably has zero idea this is even a hard time for you. Just hang in there, be as supportive as possible and love that girl, whatever you do don't get at odds with her and all will be well:D Hang in there mama, you boy will come back soon enough and most likely with grand children to boot!!! Hugs to you :D

I'm not sure how participating in organized religion has "changed" him so much...
I think it is great that he has chosen to express his spirituality in a community settling.- and main stream at that. It's not like he's practicing the dark arts or something of the sort.

IMHO, you need to work with your baggage before you can effectively and genuinely reach out to him. Children emulate. What kind of relationship did you have with him when he was a child? Were/are you open with him? Have you shared your expectations with your son? Invite them to dinner once a month. Try to do things together.

"A son is son 'till he finds a wife..." how true... I am very sorry for you. I have 2 boys and a my friend has 3 so sometimes we joke that we have to get ready to play bingo in a nursing home where our sons will put us some day.
I think it all has to do with dinamics of a boys' marriage. If he is stronger than a wife he will keep ties with the parents, if she is the boss - she will stick with her family. I have an uncle who forcefully brought his mom to live with them when she got old and couldn't live alone against his wife's wishes and told the wife that he will be filing for a divorce tomorrow if she will not be civil to mom and will not help her. And, yes, I have another uncle who have not seen mom in years....
What you can do now, I do not know.... Maybe search your memory for what he likes and schedule an activity together: hunting, boating, cruise, go to a play. Keep conversations light and cheery... people want to be with people who are fun... not the opposite.
If his wife gives you a cold shoulder - there is your problem... she is thinking that she owns your son since she married him, very posessive even if she doesn't show it openly, she is not a nice girl. A nice girl would make sure her husband keeps in touch with his mom. Be sweet to her on the ouside to get her guard down and work-work-work to get connected to your son... it may not be too late...
If your son is soft natured and good hearted boy - he is easily stepped on by a wife. It's the spunky, rebelling, tough boys who usualy put the foot down and speak up for mom.
I wish you all the luck. I hope your son will not wake up one day a feel used by that family.

My twenty five year old son just got married. At first he called almost every day. Now that was weird and surprising. He doesn't call now. But was only very recently married. I think you have to keep trying. Just keep calling, visit whenever it's possible. Never give up. I will do the same. It seems so horribly painful. I too have cried and cried. I cried for six years while he was in the service. Then he got out and came back for a little bit and married a girl he met while in the service. I am going to keep trying. And I tell you to do the same. I didn't read the other posts. I don't know what they say but verbal advice from people is oh, just let him be and he'll call. Well, life is short (really and I had uterine cancer so I am fully aware of how short it could have been) and I will continue til the day I die to keep in contact with him, love him, love his wife and then the rest is up to them. Good luck and never hesitate to keep writing and let us know what is happening.

I don't know how much help I will be, but I will respond because you were looking for mothers of adults sons. My son is 25, lives an hour away with his girlfriend, soon to be fiancee. He was raised Christian but has chosen to walk away from organized religion (so kinda the opposite of what you've been through). Although I don't know what the future will hold for him because his future wife is Catholic and will probably want him to convert if they get married (which is fine with me). It's been a difficult 7 years since he left home. Our relationship went through some ups and downs, and the first year or two was full of many tears for me as I watched him make some terrible choices with his life. He would never call me, I always had to call him, and even then the conversations were strained. For some reason, when texting became available, that became a more comfortable way for him to communicate. Even now that we have an improved relationship (mostly due to him doing a lot of growing up), he still prefers to communicate that way. In the past year, he has come home to visit more than he did in the previous 6 years total. In all honesty, I still have to initiate conversations about 95 percent of the time, so I try not to be too nosy or intrusive. He is pretty open now though. I guess he just had to find his comfort zone. Hopefully your son will find his as well, as he is navigating a new season in his life with a wife. I do think it will get easier, for both of you, so don't give up hope. You will not always feel this way, I promise. I hope you won't mind if I say a prayer for you.

Keep in mind that men have a hard time dealing with clingy emotional women. I know how much you love your son and want to be a part of his life. I'm sure he wants you to be part of it as well. But he's a newlywed and needs time to settle into his new life with his wife. He's not shutting you out, only backing off for a little while. Take advantage of this time and do some things for yourself. He'll be back!!

I have a daughter 42 yrs old, a son 40 yrs old, a son 35 yrs old and a 15 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter. The adult children were raised in a Lutheran background, became Catholic when hub and I divorced because his new wife was Catholic. Dtr now converting to Greek Orthodox because new hub is Orthodox. We are close. Her choices are her own. Son 1 is gay and atheist. He is wonderful. Son #2 is Catholic, sort of. I feel close to my sons, but see them rarely. My teens are being raised in a Methodist church, which I have always been. Who knows what they will be, who knows how close we will be. My adult kids are in DC, SF, and Denver. I would give my life for them and they would give their lives for me. Sounds like you raised a great son who loves his wife and they are making a life together.

Hi,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Unfortunately, he is a married adult. Just because that worked for your hubby to be so close with his mom, doesn't mean your son will do the same with you. It doesn't mean that your relationship isn't close, its just different. As adults, when we grow up the whole process is about independence. Maybe seeing you more just doesn't work for them--- I would talk with your son and tell him how you feel. Maybe he has no idea you feel this way??? Just curious, what does being a catholic have anything to do with??? Are you also having trouble with his faith? Sorry, but that part of your post is confusing-I don't know what your point is, the fact that he is catholic. Hope this helps.
M

Have you tried talking to him about how he feels? Definately don't make it heavy and place blame, instead just let him know you would like a closer relationship with him and ask if there is anything you can do to make that happen.

You musthave something more to talk about besides religion. Can you find a common interest and maybe talk about that? Have you tried letting him know you would like to see him and his family more often? Have you attempted to go visit them on occasion? Maybe you could take them to lunch some weekend when they are free?

At 26 kids can still be discovering who they are and sometimes the parents get unintentionally ignored. My guess is if you continue to make attempts to be a part of his life he will eventually grow in your direction. Do your best to be a supportive pillar in his life so that he will always feel comfortable coming to you for anything.

All my best,
S.

This is a huge adjustment for both of you. I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely.

Try inviting them over for dinner. Perhaps after a few dinners you could set up a "weekly dinner" that they could come for. That would give you all a chance to bond and keep in touch, without infringing too much on his daily life.
You will want to figure this out before they have children for sure, that way you can assure that you are an active part of your grandchildrens' life.

Living an hour away is really not a big deal. Make the effort to go see them (planned of course, dont just drop in). Also, he is catholic now...support him that he has found a religion. Perhaps it was something him and his wife decided because they wanted to raise their future children within a church. Find something that interests you both and make it work.

I could not stop thinking about your question while I completed my morning routine of breakfast, pack lunches, get kids to school on time...

You are not alone at all. I have many religious (Christian) friends, myself included, whose children have chosen the exact opposite of what they were raised with.

I cannot for the life of me remember the name of a phenomenal book I read years ago when oldest daughter, now 22.5, was small. It was something about what NOT to do as a parent, rather than all the common parenting books of what one should do.

The psychologist couple who wrote the book were well known and established marriage and family counselors in the Mid west. Their combined years of practice exceeded 20+ years at that time.

Their premise, based on all the common issues they witnessed, resulted in a book of what people who sought therapy, mostly complained about. And a book about how to raise your children as to avoid these huge emotional conflicts later in life was born.

One of the recommendations was, that it is important to pick a religion, any religion, to provide a spiritual anchor later in life. Too many adults came in hopelessly lost, searching for purpose in this life. The adults who were raised in a free for all, you can choose for yourself when your older home, don't necessarily fare well spiritually later in life. The end up resenting their parents for not providing that structure and struggling without faith to carry them through.

I don't know if this fits with your particular circumstances. But it is what you happen to mention in your post, the religious choices of both how you raised your son and what he has ultimately chosen. He chose structure and ultimately an extremely organized church with dogmatic teachings and very black and white instruction as to whom is going to hell and who is going to heaven and there is little wiggle room.

He might eventually see through the judgemental teachings and learn to be more accepting of your choices.

It might help for you to show some interest, even at an educational level, of why he chose this path. There are many classes available at churches for 'non-believers.' There is no pressure to convert, just to educate. One is called the Alpha Course. It would help open that dialogue between you and perhaps bring you closer.

One more thought, is he at all threatened by you? Would he feel that you would disagree with his adult choices so he doesn't want to go there with you?

I wish that you both find a bridge.

Okay, my sons are still little, so I can't help you there. But I can say that I went through two long periods of not talking with my mother after I was an adult. It was something I needed to do to "break away." I am grateful that nothing happened to her during these times, but at the time, I wasn't thinking like that & it was what I felt I needed to do. We talk several times a week now.

My husband used to really enjoy talking to his mom - when she called every month or so. She was living in another country then. About 2 years ago, she started calling him several times a day - which drove him nuts. She also became really rude to me - I have no doubt that she believes he changed "for me" as well. In reality, he really REALLY needed to break way from her. His choices are his own.

It's wonderful that you like your DIL. But there has to be some strife. It sounds like you have feelings about the in-laws and the Catholic thing.

With the in-laws in the same town, it's good that they see them often. It may hurt for you - but it really is a sign that they love your son and their daughter and that they have forged a good adult relationship with them. My FIL lives 10 minutes away and until recently, we saw him once a year. What can I say? My ILs seem to think their son married beneath him.

As to the Catholic thing - if she is devout, then it's pretty much a requirement that the non-Catholic spouse-to-be convert - or the priest won't perform the marraige. At least that has been my understanding (I am not Catholic, but spend my formative years in a Catholic community).

My suggestion is that you reach out no more than once/month. Try to forge a stronger bond with your DIL. Maybe see if she can arrange to go do something with you and your daughter on occasion? And give it time.

By the way, I do NOT think "the son is a son..." thing is inevitable. I think we often make that happen by being possessive....whether we mean to be or not. I know plenty of familes where all in-laws are fast friends.

Good luck.

Did he get married also just 7 months ago? or just become a Catholic 7 months ago? I ask because it sounds as if your DIL- although nice- doesn't know you enough to feel comfortable just chatting with you. Don't take that personally, it takes a lot of time to get to know someone for some people. I am like that. I don't call my MIL just to chat, but I do talk to her on the phone(about once a month). And I love my MIL- I just don't really know what to say so I feel like an idiot! When she calls, I make my husband answer or I will let it go to voicemail because I am just not sure what to say. Even after almost 12 years of marriage to her son! I am not that way with my FIL- but I know him more. He has always made more of an effort to get to know me and talk to me. He travels a lot with his work, so he is often able to come visit and be with our family on his way too and from meetings that are in the area. I always feel really comfortable around my MIL when she is able to visit- she is a wonderful lady- but I just don't know her like I know my mom but I feel like I know my FIL like I know my dad.
So, maybe you could set up a "girls night" or do coffee or something with your DIL once a month- to get to know her better. Don't let religion get in the way- religion is supposed to strengthen and support families, so if it's in any way a sore topic for you- don't bring it up!
Help you DIL to feel more comfortable with you and not only will that relationship improve, but I bet your relationship with your son will also and you will have some great times with your future grandkids!
BTW- I was a head strong Mormon when my dh and I married- he is not really religious in any way- both my parents(Mormon)and his(Lutheran) were just fine with our religion or lack there of!
~C.

Sometimes in life child (young and old) do things we would not dream of doing. My mom god rest her soul would probably turn over in her grave for some of the things I have done like pierced ears, change religons (Catholic) and marry a military person. But this is life and we learn and grow from what we were taught to become independent individuals that are self-sufficient.

It sounds like the empty nest sydrome is hard for you. As others have said, find a hobby, join a gym class or take a class to fill that void. An hour away from home isn't bad - mine is 8 hours away so I would have to make arrangements to make sure all are home. But there are alternatives for me to stay in other locations in the town where they live. I too had a bit of feeling left out of things when my son first married but I realized it was a break from things as normal and that adjustments had to made on both parts. I do have a life separate from my children and it was easier for me to deal with it than it sounds like you since I work and have hobbies and take a college class.

It was nice that you did not try to change your husband when you married but many women and men try to do just that. Some changes work for the better and others don't. As far as religion goes it is person as to why he did what he did and maybe one day he will explain his reasons. Don't give up on him and don't judge him too harshly as it will push you further away from him.

Know that this too shall pass and you will get through the adjustment. Just do things for you and your daughter. Take that trip you have been planning to the islands and put your toes in the surf and enjoy.

The other S.