Misbehaving 21 Month Old

Well I have dealt with this with my own 27 month old by humor! I really just laugh and pick her up and tell her she is so silly with her yelling! It has lessened a lot, however her hitting is still in effect and unfortunately that is just a phase a lot of kids go through at one time or another and she gets punished for hitting like time outs and things taken away. Good luck!

Be firm...giver her the mad mom face and tell her to STOP. My 22 month old won't yell at me or talk back because the first few times she did several months ago I flicked her with my middle finger on her lips. And tell her .....you don't yell at mommy!

Hi A.,

As a parent coach, I help parents with these types of issues all the time. I understand how frustrating it can be. Attached is an article that I think will be of some help to you. If I can be of further assistance, feel free to contact me.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Let me tell you, timeouts never made sense to me...with my son its like giving him a pass to be away from dealing with what happened. So, I know what you mean.

Instead of timeouts, we do 'toy timeouts', so he loses whatever he is misusing for set amounts of time. He puts the toy in the box in the closet and I set the egg timer and we do 3 strikes and then he loses the toy for the rest of the day. Now we hardly ever put the toys in the closet, but my son hates losing his stuff and if its the focus of his moment losing it is even worse.

Screaming I found is a means to get attention, the typical 'Hey look at me and talk to me'. Has anything changes recently? Routine change can make kids snap just as easy as adults can, and it results in ways that are very similar to grown ups. This happened when my son started visitation with his Dad, and what I did was I would sit on the floor next to him and whisper with my hands cupped around my ears, "Mommy can't hear you when you yell" and "When you're done, I will help you". My son would scream in my face and sometimes hit me, but at that age it was frustration and lack of ability to really communicate what they want and need.

Once he was done we'd talk about why he was angry/frustrated/sad and I would explain that yelling and hitting was not an okay way to show Mommy what he needed. Always stressing that 'talking' is the best way to get Mommy's help and attention. It is tough to get past this phase if you don't remain consistent and calm. Being calm is the key!!! Don't let'em see you sweat (great advice from my Mom) and make sure they know you are the boss. Always keep a calm and even tone to your voice.

In the morinings my son is a little pill too. Some people aren't morning people and this applies to kids too. When we get up, I give him some time to wake up and then we talk about the day and our routine. He helps me make breakfast and then we get ready for preschool or to visit with his Dad. I've learned that if I give him time to get going he'll get going with less fight and less fuss.

Kids at this age just want attention and they will take it anyway they can get it, I'm not sure they KNOW it's misbehaving or being bad. That's something they have to be taught over time, so that they understand what they did is wrong and know why it's wrong.

Good Luck!!

You should check to see if her molars are coming in. That'll make anyone cranky!

Kids, toddlers, also get this way when they can't communicate what they are feeling... AND when they feel they don't have any sort of 'control' over their day or others.

Give her something SHE can control... or give her 2 choices: Do you want the ball or the doll? Then let her have it and play with it the way they want.

Toddlers also get like this when they are just over-stimulated, or 'rushed', or tired. Make sure she naps.

Also teach her about the names for feelings.... and how to communicate it.

It will take practice, but over time, it will get better.

All the best,
Susan

Hello A.,

Screaming drives me bonkers as well. In fact, it is the only thing about little ones that drives me bonkers!

I have found that screaming is "communicating" at this stage. In addition, they know more then they ever have but have no control because we as parents still see them as our "baby." It was at this stage where we began saying "Use your words" as an attempt to guide them away from screaming. It still works on our 12 & 8 yo. when they are upset.

For us, this stage was the "hey, slow down, ask me questions, teach me how to propperly communicate, give me freedom, give me boundries, give me consistency - I am going to make you work at being a parent" stage. It is a lot of work in the beginning, but you will go from terrible twos to teriffic twos.

Two year olds are really fun once we get to know them. They remind me of baby birds trying to break out of their shell..

Warmly,
S.

This book has some great activities & insight...
Natural Childhood by John Thompson

oh that screaming just completely drains me! I understand! My daughter is the same age.

I've never tried traditional time-outs, but I have done the "toy-timeout", losing the toy for a few minutes and it worked.

For crying, whining, & screaming, I try to calmly tell her to stop, but sometimes it takes a powerful loud "STOP IT NOW" to get her attention. Then I (try to) don't get what she wants until she has calmed down. That helps with preventing future temper tantrums because she learns they don't work. Tell her it is not okay to scream in the house/car and then immediately commend her for the quiet or normal tone. If weather permits, maybe you can let her scream--outside--a time and place for everything, right?

If she hits, hold her hands down and tell her hitting hurts and it is not nice. She is probably having trouble communicating (still not talking or a good vocabulary) and so she is also trying to express herself. Tell/show her what she can say/do instead. Even if she doesn't know those words yet, she'll hear them and will be using them soon.\
good luck!

Send her someplace where she cannot be heard by others such as a bedroom. If she's not getting the attention she wants, the screaming will stop. You can easily place her on a towel, or put her in a pack and play in a room for a few minutes. Communicate to her that every time she yells she's hurting everyone's ears and she will have to go on time out away from the family. Depending on how stubborn she is it can take up to 3-4 times of time outs for her to get the message.
Another option is to tell her that she is using her outside voice and take her outside to scream. Keep taking her outside every time she does it, away from everyone, and when she is done bring her back in.
Babies understand far more than they speak, so she should be able to understand this concept.

Haha! I hear ya! My 22-month old daughter has some similarities.

For screaming, our rule is that screaming is for outside only. So, if she starts screaming she goes outside (not always where she wants to be, especially if everyone else is inside). Our biggest challenge is during dinner, so if she screams, I just take her (in her chair) out (just outside the door by the table) while the rest of us continue dinner. Sometimes she is content to be out there (and it's quieter for the rest of us) and sometimes she wants back in (and she understands if she screams again, its back out again)! My challenge is in the car. Haven't figured that out yet.

As for hitting, I have a no tolerance policy for hurting each other. Kids that age have a very difficult time controlling themselves and are just learning how to do so. If she hits, it's an immediate time-out to her crib (not the best location, but haven't figured anything else out yet) for only a minute. She gets it. Then we come back together and practice "nice hands". The hitting seems to have mostly stopped. This approach uses the consequence (which helps with the self-control) and the empathy (showing her how to do it nicely).

I haven't yet solved the "mean voice." Mostly we ignore it so that it doesn't get attention. But, my 4-year old has a hard time with that and often yells back. So, we all practice using nice voices with each other.

This age is a challenge, so it's been great to hear some of the pointers from the other moms as well!

Hello A.. Ironic that you posted this, because my daughter and I were just talking about this a few hours ago. It's been a long time since I've had a two year old, but like I was telling her, I noticed that my 5 month old started yelling, and I believe it's in direct response to what he hears and feels in the home. I explained to both of my kids while I was pregnant that I didn't want this baby coming into a screaming, fighting hoursehold, and that he could hear everything going on, and feel it, too. Well, sure enough, he started yelling, as well as screaming (that's a new one tonight!) and I don't like it. I told my daughter when he is old enough (because right now I know he is just trying to commuicate) that screaming is going to be ignored in this house. I simply will NOT tolerate anyone screaming or yelling to get my attention. That said, is it possible to ignore her when she screams, and let her know that you will not listen to her/do what she wants, needs or asks, until she can calm down and TALK? I suggest having this discussion with her before it actually happens, so that the next time she screams she won't be surprised. I would simply sit her down, or hold her in my arms, and explain to her that screaming is not the way to go about being heard, and that she will be ignored until she can calmly communicate (to the best of her ability, of course!). Good luck to you and let us know what you decide :)

This is a display of her desire to control, so give her some. By this I mean, have her choose what she's going to wear, ask her where she would like to go (ie. to the park or to the beach?) Ask her what she would like to eat for lunch etc. I always use the word "choose." Giving her some control over her life might cut down the arrghhh screaming. These little people have been told what, where, and how for quite some time. They find it frustrating at an age where they're developing personalities.

My son was an easy two year old, but had his moments. I found that giving him some input and decision making power made him feel happier. He wanted a say in his life and I gave him an age appropriate one. He still acted out and tested boundaries. He found out quickly that I could find a corner ANYWHERE, that fun could be cut short due to behavior, and home was never too far away from the fun. After an episode that brought an end to fun, I told him that we could always try again tomorrow.

For hitting, I never said "no." They hear it a million times a day. Use "soft hands" and take her hand and show her how to touch. "We are gentle with ourselves and others." is a mantra at my house.

Good luck.

Hi A., Your little sweetheart, is testing you to the limits, but this behavior is only perfectly normal for the child who is allowed to behave in this manner, I know you are using time out, and you are right when you said it doesn't work. This is a difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is an on the spot action for unacceptable behavior, where as discipline is an action to modify the behavior, you said you are looking for positive discipline that is effected, but any discipline that's effective is positive. When our 3 kids (now grown) were growing up we didn't really do down out spanking, but we did do swats two, two swats, now did we make the swats count, you better believe it, my husband was more of the disciplinary, and if he ever had to swat our kids for the same thing more than once, it was rare. With our children we started discipline early so we had to tantrums, we had no screaming, our first son slapped my husband across the face once at 1year and 10 months, my husband gave him 2 good swats, and he never did it again, that son is 25 now and he tributes the man he is today, to the discipline and upbringing we did, all 3 of our children tribute who they are to our discipline and up bringing. We picked our battles, and with somethings it was a punishment, but for others it was discipline. Sweetie a 21 month old no matter how bad the behavior, do know it's bad unless there are consiquiences for it. And discipline has to have an impact on the child to where the child thinks to him/her self, I'm not doing that again, if you are disciplining a child for the same thing every day several times a day, then it's not effective or positive discipline. I've been a mom for 25 years, and a daycare provider for 12, I don't know everything, but i do know what works and what doesn't in most cases.I came to the conclusion when I was younger before having children that the term "Terrible Twos" was just away to explain away bad behavior. But she's still little, she is moldeble, just be patient, but firm, and once she learns you and your husband in in control her behavior will start to change, your 7 year old needs to be able to just walk away, when your 21 month old screems at her, and you probably wont like this, but if she hits your 7 year old, she needs to hit her back, not hard, but to let her know that she can no longer get away with hitting. I hope this helps. I am old school, but you know what sweetie, all the behavior issues that i have read through mamasource today, the majority of parents in my time did not have any of these issues, because in our day, discipline was not absent, and In don't mean time out, I mean discipline. J. L.

Hello A.,

Time-outs will not achieve what you are wanting. I presume you want your daughter to understand that the behavior in question is not OK because of the effect it has on others, right? Because you want your daughter to work through this behavior and become a "nice" social being - correct? By punishing her, instead you are turning the focus on herself. You are not bringing her to a place of empathy with others, instead you are teaching her that if she does the behavior, then she will get punished -- an egocentric reason for stopping the behavior, rather than an empathetic reason for stopping it.

If you want the behavior to stop, then you must try to understand the need your daughter has, and then help her meet that need. This could be simply a developmental phase that she eeds your support through (as one advisor said), or it could be stress-related. She may have a need for more 1:1 time with you. This is often the case when parents are going through stressful situations. And, our children soak our stress up -- the pick up all of our turmoil, and internalize it -- and the best way for it to come back out is through crying and screaming. So let her cry in your arms, and try to give her some non-judgemenal, loving time to just BE with you, and be heard by you. When she's done emoting, reason with her about not being able to hear her unless she talks to you.

I pasted a blog post on the topic below. I wish you the very best, Rachel.

"miss" behavior, not "misbehavior"
Every misbehavior is a symptom of a need that is unmet, or "missed."

In the words of Ruth Beaglehole, CNVEP, "Every behavior is a tragic attempt to meet an unmet need... tragic because the behavior in question will NOT result in the need being met."

It is our challenge, every time our child "miss" behaves, to determine what that unmet need is, and then help them to find a behavior that meets that need, rather than misses it!

Lots of Love,
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

http://rivieraplayschool.blogspot.com/

Hi A.,

It is really sad that "terrible twos" is considered normal, thus "acceptable." I like how Julie pointed out that it has been an excuse for bad behavior.

My advice is in the morning, if you can watch her while you are doing your activities, try to see the point when she starts acting up, specially if it's been consistently at the same time she's been doing it, something's triggering her outburst and that, unfortunately, sets the tone for the two of you the rest of the day. And then the next day try to distract her before that trigger moment. Pick her up before she starts screaming, give her a cuddle for a few minutes. Maybe there's an event that you are unaware of that is bothering her and if you can help her get over it, that might help.

God bless.

I am completely aware that this behavior is perfectly normal :)

A. dear,

You are not being strict enough my dear. It is hard, and you cant always see from the outside like we can, that your precious little daughter(and I mean that not sarcastic, she IS precious as my 4 yr old girl is!) is SPOILED ROTTEN. We all do it, and we have to change it right when it starts happening. Oh dont worry, you will find things that are effective. The things you are doing to dicipline are not working so you think, because you're giving in too soon. MEAN IT. Be tough, really strict, and tolerant of her cries because be ready, she's gonna pull all the heart strings she's got of you, and push every button she knows how to. It's gonna make you cry, but dont let her see that. DO IT NOW or you'll be sorry, and most of all, you are doing it for HER benifit. It is up to US to help them develope into a caring, loving, reasonable, adjusted human being.
She will try anything for attention whether it be positive(like OVER-loving you and complitmenting you to get what she wants), or negative attention, which is what it sounds like she mostly does right now, and it's working! Dont let it!

Write me back,

Wendy

I am right there with you. My 22 mo old is really very good, but he will completely ignore me sometimes!!!!!!! He does this purposefully!!!! I will say "eric lets go upstairs", and then he will walk toward the stairs, start going up, and then stop and go back down stairs and play with a toy. The thing that gets me is that he is smiling at me while he does it!!! He also will intentionally do something "naughty" and then turn around and smile and look at me while he is doing it. It is as if he is saying "aren't I cute?" Lots of time outs for us. Time out /or the threat of time out works really well still for us. I hope that doesn't change.

A. T

Keep up the good work, stick to your guns, stand your ground, I can't say enough. You seem to have everything in hand. Your two year old will learn, she is just a bit more stubborn than your oldest. I began teaching my three grown children and grandchildren their limits before they turned two or three so I personally never had to go through this later. I used to lightly slap their legs and tell them NO! They eventually got the hint before they were able to reach the "terrible twos." None of them really knew why, but they knew they could not do what ever they thought they wanted to. This was how I dealt with this behavior before they got to that age. I was told I was very strict by my daughter, but I will never truly know how because by the age of five I gave them choices like "go to your room or a spanking" most of the time they chose going to their room. Since you have already set the program, stick to it and stand your ground. Your daughter will learn, it just may take longer.

for positive discipline, ignore the behavior, do not do timeouts. it may get worse at first (she is trying harder to get your attention) but then it will go away. give a lot of happy attention when she does things you like.