Miscarriage - Los Angeles,CA

Sarah, I don't think you're crazy at all. I think other people are crazy for telling you that "you're young and somehow that should be a consolation." You're grieving. You lost your pregnancy and it's normal to feel the immense sadness. Your husband sounds pretty wonderful to suggest therapy. And you sound like an incredibly intuitive person who knows instinctively what to do.

My daughter was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at 4 months old. And we also had to grieve the loss of our "healthy child". Nothing anybody could say or do really eleviated our pain. We had to go through the process. We're still almost three years later, going through the process. But something that has helped me is to just "go with it" whatever emotion I'm having. Because it doesn't help to say, "I should be over this." You feel what you feel.

Good luck to you and your family and I wish you all the best. E.

A dear friend of mine has just gone through the same thing. She lost her daughter at 5 months for no apparent reason. They had an autopsy done which, unfortunately, did not tell them anything so just be prepared. It has been 5 months now and she is just starting to feel like she can carry on with her normal routine. It has taken a lot of meditation and introspection. It took a while before she was comfortable around people, she just wanted to be alone. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. People say things with the best of intentions to lift your spirit that, unfortunately aren't what you need to hear.

Any woman who has experienced a miscarriage, and there are a lot more of us out there than you realize, experiences a true loss. Be kind to yourself. Meditation will help. If you don't already meditate you can check out this link-

http://www.wildmind.org/

There are many techniques and many websites if this doesn't resonate with you. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Walking is a great way to clear the mind. This podcast came to me in an online newsletter I receive. It's beautiful and you may find it helpful.

http://www.askdoctorkeith.com/lostchildren.html

It will get better. Don't put any time constraints on yourself at this point as to when will be the right time to try again. Just give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally. Much love.

Sarah,
four months along is a huge loss - and yes, many women have lost the baby even later, but they weren't you. I am truly sorry for your loss. Folk just don't know what to say (and sometimes they just shouldn't say anything!).

My Dad oounseled: "Acknowledge your grief, & respect it..
one’s journey in grief is:
· Yours. Not like anyone else’s. Individual.
· Completely valid
· Not to be denied"

Please be kind with yourself, let the mourning run its course but don't forget the other people in your life who need your love and attention. Their real and immediate needs will help you get to the other side of the sorrow, even as their love and support hold you up.

& how do I know? I have, in all my life, only been preganant once -at 42- and lost it at 7 weeks. I have never again been able to get pregnant. For such an early miscarriage, it hit me pretty hard. I was desolate about so many things - the due date, seeing pregant women and strollers, et cetera . . . . and it hit my husband harder. We, and especially he had to make a concerted effort to seperate the ability to have a baby from being able to have a family.
happy ending? yes. We are adoptive parents and about as much a family as anyone could fathom.
I am sure that you too, with your husband, your other child, your friends, and family will find contentment and happiness again.

I wish you grace

Dear Sarah,

Losses are hard to have, they remind one of anything related to a past loss, like a relative, boyfriend, favorite toy, college applications and even lost luggage. Stay in the present , start to reason with every thing you are thinking about. convert your thoughts: feb 2009 is a month in your future that holds many wonderful presents, that you can't open until feb 2009.

I had 2 miscarriages before I carries five children to full term, one was at 14 weeks...outch! I was worried about my bodys ability to build a baby body big time. I already knew that life is the soul, souls are eternal and have many more chances to find a good family and body. they will even hang around to wait for you to get pregnant again. so carry on dont wait to long.

we found out that my lost baby had double cromo's= would have come out double headed and 9 feet tall :) so let nature do its thing.

besides that, go get evaluated by a chioprator, your pelvic may be leaning on your uthereus, therefore the body will expell if there is not enough room foe growth. ( the reason for my second miscarriage)

having already had one baby you have had alot of strain on your hips and back,could have caused the expelling.

cheer up, try again and start looking forward to 2009!

I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss. You are not at all crazy for being so upset. You need to grieve this loss in whatever way helps you the most. I'm so sorry that people are telling you about how you'll get pregnant again, etc... So many people just do not understand the pain of miscarriage and also just don't know what to say. I wish you healing with time.

Sarah, First off I am so very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in February of this year. I was not as far along as you but boy do I know the pain. I too for some reason knew that something was wrong, I guess it's that motherly instinct. All I can say to you is stay strong, your 2 yr old needs you. I have a 21 month old and he's the only thing that kept me going. We need to grieve so let it out. It has only been 2 weeks since your loss and your hormones are still unbalanced. It takes time to heal the heart. Surround yourself with loved ones if that is what makes you feel better, it helped me out tremendously. When you are ready to try for another child, it will happen. My heart goes out to you and your family. ~G.

Hi Sarah,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I had two miscarriages early on, which was hard enough. I could only imagine the pain you are feeling for losing a child at 4 months. Unfortunately miscarriages are common, but that doesn't make it easier to go through. People don't know what to say, they get uncomfortable, and they think they are being helpful, but they're not. My last miscarriage, my mom told me to expect that no one's going to have the right thing to say, because it didn't affect anyone one in the same way that it affected me. She was right. And when I expected it, I was able to offer them grace. :)

I don't know if you are a believer or not, but I must tell you that God was the one that brought us through the first miscarriage. I had a missed miscarriage and had a week to wait and pray before the tests confirmed that it was not a good pregnancy. At the time of the D&C, I should have been more emotional than I had been all week, but God gave me such grace and peace. My aunt gave me a CD of an old sermon that helped me out a lot. It turns out she listened to that same sermon on tape in the 70s after having her two miscarriages. I believe that I will see my babies someday. If you're interested in any of this, let me know.

I think getting away for a while is the best thing. I really wanted to do that. I just kept saying that I just want to go somewhere beautiful.

God bless you and your family.
M.

Sarah,

I haven't read the other responses, but don't be afraid to grieve for your baby. YOu had a little life growning in you and now it's gone. That's heavy. Spend some time grieving and then allow yourself time to heal. Counseling will help, but time will too. Hang in there.

God Belss you,
M.

my heart goes out to you. i have not gone through a miscarriage but you have every right to feel and think whatever comes. hopefully the joy of the memory of being pregnant for that time will come to replace the sorrow of your loss. you're in my prayers.

Sarah - I'm soooo sorry for your loss. At 4 1/2 months, that is so emotionally devastating. You probably want to seek a grief counselor and it's probably going to take at least a year or 2. I have a teenage son from a previous marriage. When I got married again at 40, I got pregnant right away, miscarried at 2 mos., the following year go pregnant and miscarried at one month. The following year we tried artificial insemination and that did not take. We gave up. A year and a half later, my sister got pregnant at 42 years old without trying and it was extremely difficult for my husband and I. We should have seen a grief counselor way before. I ended up getting pregnant a week before my sister's son was born, the doctor put me on a progestorene supplement and children's aspirin and at 45 years old I had a healthy daughter! But, I'll be honest; getting pregnant with her I believe saved our marriage. I think it was just so painful for my husband when we did not think we were going to be able to have our own natural child. My prayers are with you and I hope you will be able to overcome the pain eventually (it takes time) and will be able to have a baby in the future.

You're not nuts at all to be upset. I've always considered the platitudes, you're young etc, to be cruel as they discount your feelings. I would continue with the therapy. Also, ask your ob if there is anything she can reccomend, perhaps some of this is being exacerbated by the hormones. Good luck.

Hi, Sarah,

Please accept my condolences.

Near 40 and childless, after many months of very expensive ($40,000 in the end) and very invasive fertility treatment, I experienced two miscarriages. I was grief-stricken thinking that I would never have any children. (People who have never experienced miscarriage and even people who have never experienced miscarriage under the same circumstances you have have a really difficult time understanding what this experience is like. Try to keep that in mind when they say ignorant or insensitive things--basically say the wrong thing at the wrong time.) After my first miscarriage, my reproductive endocrinologist asked me to bring the embryo to the clinic, which I did. The staff through the embryo, my offspring, into medical waste. I was unhappy about that as it did not seem like a respectful way to handle a being whose heart once beat. As a result, when I miscarried the second time, I decided not to bring in my embryo, my offspring. One thing that helped me to emotionally recover was finding a way to acknowledge the existence of my offspring, although he/she was never born. I called some funeral homes/burial services and found out that people are not allowed to bury their unborn offspring in a cemetery if the offspring are less than 20 weeks gestational age. Because I miscarried my offspring before he/she had reached that age, I cremated his/her remains.

Becoming pregnant a third time and carrying that pregnancy to term dramatically improved my mood. Six months after the birth of my first live child, I became pregnant again. My second child is now 10 months old. The births of my two kids helped reduce the emotional pain of my miscarriages. I feel very lucky to have two healthy children as I know many people who wanted to have children who never got to have children, as well as people who had children who died young, or had children who were severely handicapped children.

Best wishes,
Lynne

you're not crazy, you're grieving. I've lost two and both times it hurt terribly. Allow yourself to grieve it's normal. A friend of mine is about to give birth and here is thenumber of her acupuncturist, Susan Minich ###-###-####. She is in burbank. Also, I recommend the book The INfertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. Excellent book on fertility and how to achieve a healthy pregnancy at any age. Best of luck to you.

I am so sorry for your loss. You need to take care of yourself right now and go through the mourning process that you need to do. Other people's intentions are to make you feel better, but obviously, that's hard to do in this situation. Just understand that their thoughts are good, even if their words aren't!

You'll know when the time is right to try again! In the meantime, you've had a loss. Mourn it.

C.